HANDSOME GODLIKE KILLER ENJOYS POST-SHOOTING FAME

god shooter HANDSOME GODLIKE KILLER ENJOYS POST SHOOTING FAME

Grady Pines student Jonathan Lupton becomes Godlike Killer in the pages of history

Stealing Hearts, Absorbing Souls

MOBILE, Ala. — At least 32 students were killed and 21 injured at Grady Pines High School in one brave student’s glorious quest for power.

Jonathan Lupton, 16, said he achieved post-human omnipotence following his legendary rampage.

“I breathed in their power, one by one as I absorbed their pure white souls,” Jonathan said as authorities stuffed him into an armored van.

There are still questions among the mass media circling Grady Pines High School, such as “What books does he read? What were his favorite movies? What videogames did he play? Where did he get the idea?” — all things which can be gleaned from Lupton’s myspace but until recently were ignored by the victims.

Lupton encouraged herds of new followers to keep up with his blog, str8shooter.tumblr.com and minute-to-minute (anti)social updates on Twitter.

CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, FOX News and RT are awash with features probing Jonathan’s home life, motives, attitudes, values, web search history, sports, hobbies and cryptic Facebook profile. With his face on every channel, #WWJD is trending on Twitter as the YOLO generation asks itself the question on the tip of everyone’s tongue: What Would Jonathan Do?

Before dying, Alina Sexton, a supple 15-year-old blonde, withdrew a T-Mobile 4g smartphone with unlimited anytime minutes and data, and posted pictures of the aftermath to Instagram with the caption, “lyke dis if u cry evrytiem :’(“

Other students used a popular image relay software called Pictochat to share alternate angles of Mobile’s newest celebrity.

Dreamy photographs of Jonathan surfaced, depicting a chiseled jaw line and dark, handsome frame as he stalked over the fallen husks of the weak. His thin-lipped smile is a mouth-watering temptation for swathes of Mobile area daughters just asking to be victimized.

Tomorrow’s Hero, Today

“He’s a role model for all future school shooters,” said Mobile Chief of Police Dick Vanderslaugh. “Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

“Little Jonathan raised the bar today.”

Police Chief Dick Vanderslaugh

Legislators have already stepped forward with pre-written laws to demonstrate what an impact driven young people can have on American life, if they could just set their minds to it.

Alabama State Rep. Blaze Hayden, D-Ala., said his team of lawyers have written what they call Lupton’s Law, named after the shooter, to restrict sales of a third gun attachment. “The law must adapt to our changing youth,” Hayden said.

“Kids these days are more accurate than when we were kids, shooting up schools,” he added. “We owe it to today’s youth to present them with a challenge. Just think — if we took off laser sights — what tomorrow’s youth could achieve. Kids these days can’t hardly line up a red dot, much less squint down over the iron sights.”

Latest reports indicate Jonathan has begun work on an inner lair — and has sunk into a nest in his jail cell — in anticipation of a Charles Manson-like existence.

THIS DISCUSSION IS OVER.