Staff writer Cess Poole comes close to nearly writing article

Local writer later said “Fuck it”

Cess Poole

Cess Poole makes his living stealing money from people's wallets.

Cess Poole, chronicle.su writer, expressed wishes Sunday to produce new material. Almost immediately, however, the young penman changed his mind.

“He was like, ‘Fuck it,’” said fellow writer and chronicle.su editor Frank Mason.

With mounting debt, a sick girlfriend and hungry children at his feet, Poole has long been in a slump he can only describe as “inescapable.”

“It’s like, all the pressures of life are just fucking me up lately,” said Poole. “It’s like, I don’t care about nothing man. And it feels like I never will.”

The change of heart, Poole clarified, was not spurred on by a reported decline in marijuana abuse. To the contrary, the father of one and a half has only been clean for two days short of a work week. “And to be fair,” he said, “that’s a record.”

Instead, sources believe a source of creativity within Poole may simply have never existed at all.

“There’s just nothing there to nurture,” reported Mike Satton, chronicle.su social analyst and young talent scout for the publication. “I mean, if he did something besides spend other people’s money and playing with his prick all day, then yeah, you might have something to work with. But this is nuttin’. Nuttin’!”

Where Poole might end up next is anyone’s guess. Possible locations according to Poole include jail, his mother’s house, or face down in a ditch somewhere near his father’s home.

For the hottest most up-to-date information on Cess Poole, check the police blotter in your local newspaper or ask your drug dealer.

Chronicle lawyers speaking candidly on the matter showed little faith in the future well-being of the estranged chronicle.su writer. “Frankly though,” said Julius Epstein, chronicle.su attorney, “those of us here at the chronicle expect to see his mugshot on national news within the month.”

Chronicle.su lawyers are accustomed to bailing writers out of jail, but with an increase in legal trouble, combined with lack of contributions, editors for the first time ever are considering dropping Cess Poole from their services permanently.

“He’s a drag. And he’s always making everyone uncomfortable, offering us speed during business meetings. Selling me weed in my bosses’ offices. And I don’t even know how to react anymore when he tells me his children are hungry. Where does all that drug money go?”

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2 comments to Staff writer Cess Poole comes close to nearly writing article

  • Rita Poole-Jewstein

    he’s doing the best he can. our kids eat at least 3 times a week, so I’d say he’s a pretty good father. Plus he’s curved his pcp addiction to just a couple of grams a day