Fred Phelps
Charges: Hates homosexuality so much that leads a nationwide picketing campaign so hyperoffensive that his Church is unanimously reviled by queers and virtually all Bible thumping homophobes alike. Along with daughter Shirley, will drag homophobia into the public spotlight wherever it might seem least helpful or appropriate as long as it garners his “cause” attention. Harasses widows of heterosexual soldiers at funerals because their beloved were employed by a government that does not stone proud faggots (yet), but is in fact disgusting for completely irrelevant and more glaring reasons. More typically, simply torments loved ones of anti-gay hate crimes.
Exhibit A: He and daughter are such effective, soul-sucking brainwashers that Fred’s granddaughter declines relationships because of delusion that world will end in her lifetime.
Sentence: Passed-on paranoia wipes his genetic material from the pool in unforeseen victory for evolutionary process.
Seung-Hui Cho
Charges: With apparent indiscrimination for his supposed “deceitful charlatan,” “rich kid” or debaucher detractors, murdered 32 students and faculty at Virginia Tech, and brutally injured others. In suicide video effectively egged on already burgeoning surveillance/police state into enforcing existing classist boundaries and Youth Fear. Simultaneously and indefinitely ended all criticism of dramatic fiction in collegiate Creative Writing more dispassionate, productive, and less patronizing than “Is this student . . . OK?” In continuing cowardice and derision for life-sustaining communicative confrontation, then turned gun on self.
Exhibit A: Executed an elderly Holocaust survivor in cold blood.
Sentence: With Junior College student onlookers in his periphery sporting gold chains, jingling new Mercedes keys in their pockets, counting on their trust funds and playing beer pong with Hennessy, has to dig own grave before – his own balled-up, hackneyed drafts pressing out of his ruptured esophagus – being torched alive, impaled upon a cross, and left to bleed to death. Dies unsatisfactorily enough like Jesus Christ as is forgotten immediately.
Deryk Shlessinger
Charges: As enlistee son of holier-than-thou guru/right-wing physiologist and faux psychologist “Dr.” Laura, maintained a MySpace page so clearly venting the kind of homicidal and misogynistic psychopathies of service in Afghanistan that an Army spokesman had to baselessly imply that it was the work of “our enemies” just to control backlash. War pornographer. Produced and captioned a series of images and cartoons illuminating the disturbing inner viciousness his acting out it is our patriotic duty to ignore.
Exhibit A: “Yes FUCKING Yes!!!I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyperfocuses these traits into my job of running around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it..and some that don’t.”
Sentence: Cuckolded by multiple peacenik gold-diggers. Bonus inexplicably denied upon discharge.
Larry Craig
Charges: A cottager, Republican Senator, and “nasty, bad, naughty boy.” Only the most recent in a seemingly unending line of prominent, gay-bashing right-wing closet-dwellers and/or pederasts including Foley and Haggard who have now completely destroyed irony forever. After expressing support for an Idaho ban on same sex marriage and swatting down measures that would add sexual orientation to existing hate crime statutes, caught in police sting trying to score some form of sodomy in an airport bathroom from a stranger. Attempted to use credentials to dodge charge before pleading guilty, and then publicly regretted doing so in a pathetic ruse designed to fool only young children and naive Jesus Freaks.
Exhibit A: In a subsequent press conference, perhaps the most Freudian phrase of the previous 365: “Thank you all very much for coming out today.”
Sentence: Locked inarticulable by pride and ambition in closet. Forever. In the meantime, must remain vigilantly distant by coercing “lovers” into silence using threats of audit or FBI harassment.
Paris Hilton
Charges: Basks in the attention of a nihilistic broadcasting legion that will bark her name a light year before the words “famine,” “charity,” “peace,” “acceptance” or any syllable in kin to catharsis or meaning for the human spirit. Unbridled and decadent use of Power Drugs and moreover – with absolute legal immunity from the simplest demands of public road safety – common booze as the poor pass life behind bars for slinging grass on foot. In the context of Gandhi’s social sins, the penultimate wealth-without-work spawn of commerce-without-morality.
Exhibit A: “Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” Yeah, like her Dad.
Sentence: Like half of the Earth’s population, to never pick up a telephone again. Even for an in-helicopter “[giggles]”-ridden interview.
Alberto Gonzalez
Exhibit A: “There is no express grant of habeas [corpus] in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away.”
Randall Tobias
Exhibit A: Addressing frontline,
David Vitter
Charges: Vitter, a Republican Senator and former congressman, has exploited his façade marital fidelity in obscenely hypocritical acts of citizen puppetmastery, hiring hookers on-and-off during the previous decade and even booking the “D. C. Madam” brothel during a roll-call vote. Solemnly knocked his congressional predecessor’s resignation for adultery as a clear omen that Bill Clinton should have stepped down, too. Meanwhile, wifey cluelessly joked, “I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”
Exhibit A: This gem to explain his abstinence-only education voting record: “Teaching teenagers that saving sex until marriage and remaining faithful afterwards is the best choice for health and happiness.”
Sentence: Mrs. Vitter makes good on once-jovial threat and patriarchal Senate slices one from its members.
John Yoo
Exhibit A: Exchange between Notre Dame Law Professor Doug Cassel:
Cassel: If the President deems that he’s got to torture somebody, including by crushing the testicles of the person’s child, there is no law that can stop him?
Yoo: No treaty.
Cassel: Also no law by Congress. That is what you wrote in the August 2002 memo.
Yoo: I think it depends on why the President thinks he needs to do that.
Charges: Monstrously callous cherry-picking of Iraq intelligence regarding
Exhibit A: “I wrote this testimony myself. It has not been cleared by nor shared with anyone in the Pentagon, the White House or the Congress until it was just handed out.” Equally damning even if true.
Orenthal James Simpson
Charges:
Duane Chapman
Exhibit A: “It’s not that they’re black, it’s none of that. It’s that we use the word ‘nigger.’ We don’t mean, ‘you fucking scum nigger without a soul.’ We don’t mean that shit. But America would think we mean that.”
Isiah Thomas
Charges: Multi-millionaire suspended in evil hallucination that “racism” and “reverse racism” connote meanings any different.
Exhibit A: In videotaped deposition: “A white male calling a black female a bitch is highly offensive. That would have violated my code of conduct.”
Sentence: Court-ordered sex change and subdermal eumelanin plants.
SHITPOSTS