Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

29 comments to Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

  • eric

    fuckin hot game if u ask me … my cock gets rock hard just thinkin about popping some rounds into faggot christ. i’m gonna have my own second cuming just thinking about what i’m gonna do to that so-called son of god! everyone knows he’s really nothing more than the bastard son of the whore of nazareth … what was her name? oh, yeah, mary! lol it’s gonna be fucking hot to see the faggot squirm when he’s in my crosshairs!

  • unrelated to topic

    Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for any inconvenience

  • Engineer

    Hell yea. Now I get why there is a so-called “second-coming”. His second-coming is in this game. The hype on this alone will sky-rocket his fame. You know he used to be famous from that book- you know ummmm, oh yea- the Bible. The kids who actually weren’t forced into a religion will now have a new-found opinion of what they had recently thought of Christ. Personally I believe being able to pop a few rounds into jesus would be fucking hilarous

  • bigfoot

    Sounds like a great game can you become jeebus and shoot lightning bolts at the living or will you become 500ft tall and smite the peons with a magnifying glass like we all did at one point or just party drinking wine and eating fish with bread while walking on water?