Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

29 comments to Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

  • And I have one question….why can’t we post a picture on here by our name so we can see what each other looks like who are making these comments??…You let Frank Mason post his…right at the top of this page!!!!…talk about unfair!!!!

    • Kilgoar

      Use your Gmail address and it will automatically insert your avatar. COWARDLY ANONYMOUS CHRISTIAN.

      • Thanks Kilgoar…you’re very sweet for a cowardly anonymouse …sorry, anonymous…mous…not mouse!…start again, for a cowardly anonyMOUS dude hiding in the dark!….where satan dwells!

        • Ramona

          Kilgoar lied!….I’ll post my own pic…yep a 5’8″ older lady will take you all on spiritually….Ya’ll need a little spiritual light in here….praying for you Kilgoar….:-D….Jesus loves you! and so do I….♥♥♥photo.jpg

          • Kilgoar

            hey ramona post your contact information so we can chat about jesus, i’m very interested all of the sudden

            • you're in danger

              be very careful here kt. don’t you known, Satan can assume the form of a seductive temptress. this could be a trap.

            • u r a sick fuck.
              we all know u r desperate billy, but hook up with that delusional tranny granny. just sick!

              • Oh my my my Cho Cho…..is that your best ignorant words you could find…..Hey, listen!!!….Ut Oh….your woman found you!!!!…..Here’s some of my delusional words, “I’m putting you on a prayer line!…and there’s no where for you to scurry to….oh, ps…JESUS loves you!!!…..as for me, I’m having a hard time doing that right now…:-Dimages?q=tbn:ANd9GcTzAudJ_vXLW3tem9JbwxXH9BqJL95cak6uovoigF_y6swwmQYjHA

  • To Eric
    P.S…..at least you believe Jesus exists…you can’t call yourself an atheist…you talk about him in the present tense…and know this all of you…I’m not a shaking in my shoes scared Christian who won’t fire back at you…I don’t believe in a watered down message of Christ going on these days…You either receive AND make Him your Lord and do His Will or sit in a lukewarm church and He will spew you out of His mouth…just like you spew filth out of yours…:-Dimages?q=tbn:ANd9GcTDh612hM6VF0JaISDjzO_nFf2JSzIVncMBZYWuPq_v_2yQTIqNpA

  • To Eric…You’re just the kind of person that satan has a hold on…you say things you will regret, one way or another. Things are gonna start being weird in your life because I’m putting you on a prayer line…:-D …….There’s nothing you or satan can do about that!…and the filth that comes from your mouth you seem to think it’s ‘shocking’…everyone, including myself, has heard it all before, and the worse you try to make it sound, the more ignorant YOU sound….lol…give it a break!holy-spirit.jpg

  • God created hell for satan and his followers…take time to look that up…..hey you can google it!…You’re ignorant of Gods plans….and YOUR god…satan…he’s tricking you isn’t he??…the bible says Jesus sits on His throne and laughs, because he sees satan’s time coming…hope you have a blast at that time!!Jesus+Laughing+2.jpgJesus+Laughing+2.jpg

  • You are ONE SICK doomed to hell person….I ask that God shows you the REAL hell…..yes, I believe He will!!!!

    • He already has: your comments. If God created Hell, then he must have created it just for me, and that means me and Satan should get along okay. Now, I hope it really exists or else I’m going to be sorely disappointed. Still, you have to wonder why, if God created Satan, he hasn’t destroyed him yet. Maybe Satan is better, and hell is the place to be, and the true work of the devil is tricking everybody into going to Heaven, where boundless torture awaits?