Pro-life scientist clones thousands of “aborted” babies

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

Babies that were once aborted are getting a second chance, thanks to breakthroughs in robotics and industrialized human cloning.

WISCONSIN — Scientist, Polymath, and newly recognized Saint of the Divinity Megachurch Consortium Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proudly announced, “Thanks be to the grace of God and the miracles of modern science, that today a thousand babies, once aborted by mothers, were saved.”

Through an underground network of dissident health industry workers, the DNA of every American child aborted in a licensed facility has been collected, cataloged, and preserved. For decades, the problem of cloning this database of nameless children has been solved, but breakthroughs in rapid prototyping, robotics, chemical synthesis, and virtual reality have allowed for the final steps of the subversive pro-life scientist’s crusade against abortion.

Dr. Troubador said, at a raucous press release, “We’ve been able to clone children since the 90′s, and I predicted it would be only another two decades until we could automate the raising of a child and provide for their material needs entirely in the dumpster biosphere. It wasn’t hard. We took out their DNA – from the trash bins behind Satan’s clinics – and plugged it into a computer,” Troubadour said.

Dr. Troubador has been able to quickly produce thousands of prototype incubators, which auto-install into most standard dumpsters and run entirely off of solar energy. The incubators have a robotic unit that will sort edible materials out of the trash for the babies, as the babies are entertained by a never ending stream of church propaganda, Fox News, and bible study.

Dr. Troubador wrote of some risks while in the early stages of his project and still in the stage of collecting DNA from aborted fetuses back in the 80′s, “There is a small risk that the purifying food re-synthesis unit will fail because of overly toxic trash, robotic failure, or a lack of biomaterials or moisture in the dumpster. However, I’ve calculated that only a handful of these babies will die this way, and that we’ll at the same time successfully bring back potentially millions of aborted babies with this technology. If some die, they can always be cloned again.”

Tammy Faulkland, 34, said she was shocked to discover with her aborted child who had been extracted, as DNA, from a Planned Parenthood dumpster more than five years ago.

“The baby was a-layin’ there in the dumpster watchin’ a screen like that man in A Clockwork Orange, just absorbing all that religious hate,” Faulkland said. “I just about didn’t recognize him, in his little box in there. Son of a bitch looked just like his daddy, but in a clean little box instead of him covered in piss and used condoms.”

Faulkland said she did not ask for her child back, but by miracle of God and science, he appeared.
“It’s a lot like the story of Jesus,” she said. “He was gone one day, and then later on he’s back, like a zombie, except he wants everybody to think and believe just like Him in perfect uniformity.”

Dr. Troubadour’s incubators are indistinguishable from traditional dumpsters. From the outside, they are green, blue, black; some have lids, and some do not; through neoliberal powerhousehouse Lebal Drocer, Inc., they are much more.

“The likelihood of you throwing a baby or fetus into a 3D-printed Lebal Drocer-brand Refuse-Reuse-Reanimation Facility is upwards of 99 percent,” Troubadour said. “If you throw a baby or a fetus, or a dead cat – or anything – into one of our mass-produced facilities, there is a good chance it will come back as a pro-life freedom fighter.”

Already, churches aligned with Dr. Troubador’s project are urging their congregations to “throw away more food” to feed the aborted children being raised in dumpsters. This Sunday, Pastor Mel Frederickson addressed his megachurch congregation, saying, “Today is a day like none other, because today I can announce that every child ever aborted is going to be brought back to life by Saint Troubador! Through God’s Grace the leftovers of society, thrown out because of Satan’s planned parents, are going to eat on our leftovers. But thousands of babies, brought back to life in every county, town, and city means there are going to be a lot of needy, and the church needs to take them under our wing. Give more to the trash. It’s as simple as that.”

Corporate troughs like Burger King, McDonald’s and KFC have instituted strict “pro-waste” policies, insisting on permanent termination of any employee caught using expired food at home, or donating stale bread to soup kitchens. Representatives from Chic-Fil-A said they now throw away half of every food order, to save America’s godless unborn.

At a Chik-Fil-A in the Clarksville Mall, manager Strom Stormerson announced that every Sunday, his Chik-Fil-A franchise will be serving free chicken sandwiches, limit one per customer, but he hopes customers will chip in and buy at least two orders of filling, delicious waffle fries.

“The secular left who thinks the world owes them a hand-out finally has one,” Stormerson said. “Here’s your fuckin’ handout, faggots: How about a free chicken sandwich that some unappreciative high school kids will order – just so they can throw it out – and feed our blessed child army.”

7 comments to Pro-life scientist clones thousands of “aborted” babies

  • sp00k

    “Sleazy motherfuckers lifted my thanatos narrative on @shoenice222 then framed me as the “troll”. Callin’ you a troll fishfag is like sayin’ Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni was just a house painter. Satire is a dying art.

  • antisectarian

    Will someone please hurry the fuck up & write the #fatsabu article. Guess crime does pay as long you’re willing to snitch. Regardless what an individual’s opinions are, this quote from Hammond is a damning statement in terms of how far the US government will do to further their geopolitical interests “What the United States could not accomplish legally, it used Sabu, and by extension, me and my co-defendants, to accomplish illegally,” Hammond wrote. “Why was the United States using us to infiltrate the private networks of foreign governments? What are they doing with the information we stole? And will anyone in our government ever be held accountable for these crimes?” Worst part is A LOT of kids were psyOP into these illicit activities, some got caught but Hammond was the one they used as the fall guy, especially b/c of his political beliefs. There are no good guys, bad guys any more, just interested parties w/ psyOPed drive agendas using kids and idoits (waves at some of u in the jesterfag group) for pawns in this unending geopolitical (cyber) warfare farce. anonymous you haz lost the game so long ago it ain’t even satirical anymore.

  • sp00k

    Well one could argue that being the fbi’s bitch for over a year was punishment enough, but I personally believe u never turn on ur friends and if u do the crime, you do the time with your big boy pants on http://rt.com/usa/161764-anonimous-hacker-informat-sabu-monsegur/

  • sp00k

    I am at the hospital right now w/ tons of electrodes attached to my head. Send help, I think they’re gonna give me a lobotomy, but hey it might be an improvement, no?! I also acquired a new smartphone,that is not a crappleJ0S4KTb.jpg

    • I’ve been trying to email you but it bounces back.

      • sp00k

        Ya I should try proof reading a bit more often lol. Shit became more real when we found out recently the gk had a stroke or a series of strokes when they were invitro. And don’t worry I am not dying. Had to do a sleep study at the hospital overnight, hence me looking like Frankenstein there. Anyways both u can interrupt sp00kenese by now. Just having a pedicure right now, so seeing what’s going on. Like wtf are u nigs on strike over here. Write something already damnt, as long as it’s not about gg or Snowden or both. Like the jesterfag group, those two are irrelevant too.
        http://rt.com/usa/161764-anonimous-hacker-informat-sabu-monsegur/ lol that RT spells anonymous w/ an I,lol fuckin’ Russians

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