INTERNET — Thursday, BioScientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador invented a new kind of squirrel. The Hyper Squirrel is barely able to hang on because it’s so tiny it can’t compete with the predominant species, the American squirrel. Already, Hyper Squirrel activist groups have rallied to support the Hyper Squirrel’s equal rights and diversity. Larger squirrels will be humanely caged and removed from the Hyper Squirrel’s natural environment at the Troubador Polytechnical Institute’s campus.
Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We plan to expand the invention of new endangered species to an industrial scale and open up franchises in every major biosphere on the planet. This will both speed up evolution and provide the planet with enhanced biodiversity, possibly curbing the threat of global warming. These fast-evolving trash squids I’ve been working on will thrive in that hellish whirlpool of plastic human detritus in the Pacific and absorb carbon dioxide.”
Anonymous Scientists at DARPA criticized Dr. Troubador, saying, “We’ve all known about the climate change hoax for a long time, but if Troubador wanted to speed up evolution I suggest he just introduce invasive species to new parts of the world. We’ve been doing this for years. Whatever animal consumes the most is of course the most evolved, the antithesis of something like that puny Hyper Squirrel. What he’s doing is slowing down evolution. I’ve been working on this terrible plague to unleash which, when it runs its course, will basically make us immune to any foreseeable biological alien attack. It’s not a doomsday project, just a cosmic immunization. One day we may even kill and eat the aliens, if we continue steadfast with such projects. We’ve been working with the airline companies for decades on this. Another thirty years or so and we’ll be in the clear.”