Snooki missing and presumed dead after Hurricane Sandy

Fans are already mourning the loss of Snooki

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, N.J. — The bloated corpse of Snooki was allegedly recovered and then dumped back into the sea Tuesday after the MTV star went missing early Monday evening.

When whaling experts off the Atlantic Coast noticed a disturbance in their dragnets, they claim to have pulled up the bloated, lifeless carcass of Jersey Shore starlette Nicole Elizabeth Polizzi the reality television “actress” widely known as Snooki.

Coast Guard Captain Jacob Funkhouser, who found the body, said he could not believe his eyes. And since this particular whaling expedition was a capitalist venture, Funkhouser said, there was just not enough space in the hold of the S.S. Bismarck and jettisoned her stinking, lifeless body.

It was definitely her.
Captain Jacob Funkhouser, S.S. Bismarck

Internet Chronicle reporters interviewed Funkhouser on the deck of the S.S. Bismarck. “It was definitely her,” Funkhouser told reporters, slamming a defiant fist down on the platform where he sat. “Even though it was all purple and puffy, I’d recognize that face anywhere. Now that I look back on it, we could’ve made more money selling the corpse back to her filthy rich guido family than I’d get from a big, juicy Sperm whale.”

Though he lamented losing the chance to capitalize on her fame, Funkhouser said he does not regret the decision to jettison Snooki’s body, saying “America dumped Bin Laden, so I did the same for Snooki.”

Snooki leaves behind an infant child whose birth raised controversy after critics labeled her a “negligent monster . . . incapable of motherhood.” (NY Times, 2011)

Known for drinking and getting punched in the face by better people, Snooki capitalized on a baffling book deal that was displayed prominently in bookstores alongside, or ahead of, the works of sociologist Cornell West, popular scientist Niel DeGrasse Tyson and satirist David Sedaris.

It is unknown how Snooki was initially blown out to sea. Sources close to the reality TV star said she was drinking profusely during a Hurricane Sandy welcoming party, and disappeared in her Scion Monday night, a car known to float in less than six inches of water. Authorities have declared her a missing person but are currently occupied with more important recovery efforts.

62 comments to Snooki missing and presumed dead after Hurricane Sandy

  • :/

    Noooooo Snoki cant die i love here

  • Cyber Link

    Lol … okay….whatever douchbag ? u fail at trolling… u probably look like a troll too… u dont give ur self a name like “kirby” for no reason without being fat!…. im sure you hear that alot “goober gobblin fool” which is why u tell other people that to make ur self feel better …. im sure ur a jersey shore fan too to top it off lol ur pathetic ….

  • Cyber Link

    LOL! hilarious… r all the articles on here this fake?!. im new so idk…but hilarious that anyone would even think of taking this article seriously … seems like a fifteen year old wrote this for laughs.. should have included the whole dam cast… XD

  • DickDelicious

    Bye Bye Snooki, you piece of deadass dogshit.

  • Katie Qwertyuiop

    You guys are retards this is a hilarious joke of an article. If Snooki was dead you would have found out the second it had happened because it would be all across the news and the TV when ( or before ) this article was posted, on October 30th, I’m 10 and I know that this is a joke, what has this world come to??