Snowden sells Data to USSR for $10 Billion

Comrade Chapman smuggled plans which were vital to the Soviet Union.

Comrade Chapman smuggled plans which were vital to the Soviet Union.

MOSCOW, Soviet Union — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker and expert hacker, sold four laptops full of the most secret documents containing, among much else, UFO technology and ocean-floor nuclear facility designs. The KGB, the Soviet Union’s premier security agency, paid Snowden $10 billion.

Capitalist leaders continue to lie in the faces of their wage slaves, who remain distracted by Capitalist media’s expert commodification of a backwards racial caste system, which has been in place for centuries.

The seafloor nuclear base plans have been hidden inside a micro-drone entrusted to Anna Chapman, the most famous female KGB agent from the USSR. She is romantically involved with Snowden, who has quickly forsaken his Capitalist family of Pigs and even accepted a hacking job with the KGB. Comrade Putin was overjoyed and used the “red telephone” to gloat to the effeminate President Barry “Barack” Obama and crack jokes at his expense.

Snowden’s UFO technology allowed Soviet scientists to quickly adapt SU-35 fighter jets for submarine operation. By analyzing the plans of American ocean-floor nuclear facilities, a single torpedo fired from an adapted SU-35 destroyed Capitalism’s greatest weapon.

6 comments to Snowden sells Data to USSR for $10 Billion

  • Barry

    To me its a shame that the word CAPITALISM is constantly confused with CORPORATISM of better CRONY CORPORATISM that we have today. Most modern western governments are completely under the control of bankers and large corporations, and therefore work & legislate according to their bosses dictates.
    Ron Paul has often mentioned this problem and says that in true CAPITALISM the people would be free to trade in an open market and natural market forces be allowed to operate, without corporate/government interference.

  • Anonymous

    this is a hoax, this website has a clear hate campaign against everything non-communist [which failed btw, ANARCHY FTW!] or is a very lame attempt at parody.

    • Anonymous

      I hope parody – as bad as it is. I really think this article meant to say “Russian Federation” since the Soviet Union ceased to exist in 1989….

  • Anonymous

    she is not that pretty.

  • Mata Hari

    Jesus fuck can’t you people write about anything important these days, like say Casey Anthony’s recent pregnancy rumor or the overdose death of the kid from glee …

  • Helen Mertz

    Typical man, selling out his country just so that he can dip his wick (and have $10 billion in cash). I bet Ms Chapman’s been around the block a few times, in fact, woman to woman, hers is probably the size of a bucket.

    Although, I also wouldn’t be surprised if this little Miss Mata Hari drugged him with some kind of pheromone potion, so perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh in our judgement of Edward.