Snowden unveils secret drive-by neuroimaging program

A new NSA program to drive-by neuroimage citizen's dreams is in its first stages of testing, says Snowden.

A new NSA program to drive-by neuroimage citizen’s dreams is in its first stages of testing, says Snowden.

MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.

Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, “The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”

The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.

Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.

6 comments to Snowden unveils secret drive-by neuroimaging program

  • A Neuroscientist

    This is hilariously implausible.

  • dreamour

    There is already too much soft & hard propaganda on the Net. Intelligent,unbiased, accurate, timely, and geographically narrow as it is wide information is all that people want in real NEWS. I personally don’t like the “Mad Magazine” approach to truth and prefer the undoctored truth as it actually is. If I want a sensational face on the pumpkin I’ll carve it myself. The above article .. in a word .. sucks.

  • ED SNOWDEN

    twitter.com/EJosephSnowden IS FAKE FAKE FAKE!!!!!!

    YOU FAKE BASTARD! Real Ed Sonwden dont have twitter account!! LULZ

  • Duncan Grail

    Dear Editor,

    could you please make a slight correction to my other post. Between the words ‘I’ve’ and ‘suffering’ could you add the word ‘been’ – if the answer is yes, then GOTO 10, if the answer is no, then GOTO 20:

    10 Thank you!
    20 Bitch!

    Apologies for being anal about this, it’s just that what with me being impotent, probably due to the x-rays, it’s the only kind of anal I can engage in!

  • Duncan Grail

    It’s the logical extension of the pre-crimes division of the surveillance state. With these x-rays being sufficiently strong to penetrate bricks and mortar, it begs the question as to what kind of dose some unfortunate soul caught betwixt agent and target might absorb. This is probably one of the sources for the increased cancer rates.

    It also begs the question as to precisely how invasive this scan is. If this has been going on for 3 years, then it could be the cause of the impotence that I’ve suffering from. After a while, it becomes tiresome having one’s wife refer to one as ‘Mr Floppy.’ I digress, my personal travails are naught compared to the global ramifications of this project. Keep the revelations coming (unlike me!).