Category: Obituaries

Another one bites the dust

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Ethan Klein dead at 40

JERUSALEM—Fans mourn the loss of Ethan Klein, cult YouTube phenom and podcast host, following a fatal cardiac episode.

Klein built an online empire with his “H3H3” brand – later shortened to “H3” – combining a unique blend of celebrity gossip and online trolling. As his star rose, Klein leveraged his gains into the “Teddy Fresh” fashion line – whose stylings centered childhood innocence and play. Many however found his public persona to be distasteful, often citing Klein’s lurid fixation on the opposite sex. Where H3 satirized targets for their womanly shortcomings, Klein himself fell prey for a very different vulnerability: his Judaism.

The backlash was co-ordinated in the belly of the grimm web, where legions of suggestible imageboard posers were directed to enact Judaism-related abuse at the behest of Daniel Keem “Star,” while the lion’s share of the trolling was spear-headed by alt-right darling Ricky_Vaughn99. Klein defied the hateful stereotyping with a wave of frivolous lawsuits, but it just wasn’t enough.

After a decade of turbulence, the Kleins took a sabbatical to Tel Aviv, offering moral support to relatives in the IDF amidst regional tensions. When President Donald Trump declared hostilities open, panic broke out as Iran announced the first missile salvo.

“Oh shit! This is it! This is the big one!” Klein reportedly exclaimed, before fighting his way to the bathroom. After an hour spent incapacitated with his bowel, concerned family checked in, but found Klein had expired in the tumult.

Panic gripped many in the region as Qatar’s $1billion early warning radar was knocked out in the initial clash.

Ethan is survived by his wife Hila Klein and their three sons. She attributes her husband’s failing health to a decade plus of cyber abuse.

Hila Klein. Inconsolable at the loss of husband, Ethan.

“It just sucks, you know? We’ve had to deal with these people for as long as we’ve been online. Ethan had Tourettes, and I watched as he degenerated in front of my eyes. New ticks and spasms came about the worse the abuse got. We’d get prank calls from people claiming to be Aryan nation or domestic terrorists. At one point we had a visit from the FBI regarding a credible bomb threat. But ever since October 7th these progressives started harassing us as well. In fact, they pretty much took it over. They tried to get CPS to take our children away by saying we were eating dog faeces. Then they started turning our friends and collaborators against us, first Hasan Piker, then Ian Jomha. I’ve been working on this make-up line for two years but they harassed my staff till they all quit, it’s practically dead on launch. Now this. My husband gone. My children without a father. I guess they finally got what they wanted!”

Chronicle reached out to Ian Jomha for an explanation on his position, his anger was stark, “look, I didn’t like the guy by the end, it’s no secret. The feuding got petty, I’ll admit, but that shit isn’t just one-sided.”

“That shit isn’t just one-sided.”

Grieving at the Western Wall has been ongoing.

Jomha described a lengthy tit-for-tat that culminated in an unlikely irony:

“My wife and I do commentary on 90 Day Fiance on our twitch stream. Well one of the cast this season was an Iranian marrying his way into the US, but the whole time he won’t shut up about how glorious America is and how oppressive Iran is. It’s like, dude, they have aircraft carriers en route to the gulf of Oman, are you kidding me? This is blatant propaganda! Of course I’m calling that shit out!”

Klein seized on the opportunity and brought the Iranian in question – Mahdi Jahromi – onto his H3 Podcast. As Jahromi told of the regime’s brutal whippings, Klein introduced him to a very western form of punishment; the humiliation ritual.

Jahromi could no more comprehend Klein’s denigration than he could the Trump admin’s threat to bomb his countrymen.
“Come on dude, look at him, he’s faking it! He’s not anti-war, he’s just saying it for the pussy!”

Jomha was resolute in his stance, but it just wasn’t enough. Quickly, the very same nihilists that hounded Klein into a decades long mental health spiral now turned on him for insufficient jingoism.

Ian “Idubbbz” Jomha. Viciously mocked for his anti-war values.

“This is the worst thing in the world to say I told you so about, but, well, shit, I told him so!” Jomha was audibly despondent on the call, verging on tears, “what’s it all worth, man? I used to work with this guy. Then he starts crashing out over the genocide and everyone’s like, what the fuck. I tried explaining to him what the military were doing, but he treated it like it’s just more gossip. There he is waving the Shah’s flag on his podcast. I’d just about written him off, his brain was so scrambled by propaganda. Then this war actually breaks out, just as I warned him, and then his heart fails? On the damn toilet? I mean, I wanted the last laugh, sure, but not like this… Not like this…”

While Jomha’s emotions on the matter were palpable, many in the comment-o-sphere attribute this to firebrand wife; Anisa Jomha, for whom he is accused of serving as a mouth piece. Chronicle reporters reached out to Jomha (Anisa) separately, but were astonished by her doctrine,  “I spit on that Zionist pig’s grave!”

Discourse rages online about Anisa Jomha’s divisive third worldism, oft likened to her mentor and surrogate father; Muammar Gaddafi.

When pressed for specifics, Anisa deferred to modern history. “Qaddafi’s teachings still hold truth here, we must pursue the Third Universal Theory now more than ever,” she said. “What do you think happens exactly when the Islamist yoke finally falters? Tehran has been modernising for years, cultural standards soften despite what Zionist vermin claim. Do you expect them to just kowtow to yet more fanatical hicks? No! True liberation for Iran will come only at the hands of the People’s Congress, and with them, the fall of Baal, his acolytes, and the dream of Babylon’s rebirth. DEATH TO AMERICA! DEATH TO THE EPSTEIN CABBAL!”

When asked for any final thoughts on the drama, Jomha was curt, “I don’t know, maybe if he’d just cleaned up after his dog none of this would have happened.”

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Editorial Obituaries Special Interest

Julian Assange attacks deceased digital humanities author David Golumbia

Dr. David Golumbia died in the Fall of 2023.

INTERNET–For some reason, suddenly, David Golumbia is attacked after more than a year of being dead.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange went in on the late doctor during a twitter tirade on main.

Cyberlibertarianism: The Right-Wing Politics of Digital Technology

Dr. David Golumbia (posthumous release)

Suddenly, Julian Assange has attacked a dead guy. In Julian’s post on X, The Everything App, he said a bunch of shit. Read it below. Sources close to known individuals in contact with people working near the publisher of leaked governments say: Assange used X because it “felt right.”

David Golumbia lived his life making himself a threat to power.

FILE PHOTO: Assange received news of his failure in the Australian election and called on Anonymous to destroy his enemies.

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News Obituaries

“Liver King” Brian Johnson dead at 43

Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening.
DENVER — Fans mourn the loss of Brian Johnson, the social media fitness superstar better known as The Liver King. Johnson was found dead of cardiac failure in his Denver apartment Sunday evening. Best known for promoting a raw animal organ diet, Johnson secretly consumed thousands of dollars of testosterone and steroids each day.
He was 43.
Johnson’s assets have been seized by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.

An Experiment Gone Haywire

 

CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers told reporters, “How we still lost money on this deal is a testament to the safety of our synthetic super steroids and testosterone. No creature has ever had such high levels of power in all of history.”
The power level was so high, Sakers said, that experts believed they were previously impossible, “From what our analysts could tell, the AI-derived shock patterns in our latest electrostimulation rigs were the only thing keeping him alive, at the end.”
Paramedic Hugh Cygnus was first to arrive at the apartment, “We found him layin’ there still wired up and twitchin,’ but he had no pulse. When I zapped him to kickstart his heart, I saw every fiber of muscle in his body resist, and a flash of light shot out of the tips of his toxic hair. That’s when his heart blew up, and his eyes turned red. I figured he’d went Super Saiyan but in the end he was dead.”
First responders said when they arrived, it was unclear what caused the sudden cardiac explosion. That is, until a second paramedic arriving on the scene discovered Johnson was still connected to live electricity, running from a standard wall outlet, directly into electrodes stuck all over the cadaver’s thin, papery skin. 
The former Liver King was described by Officer Jake Furley as a “grim, blood red human lightbulb, still twitching and clutching his phone. Arcs of electricity were coming off of him, discharging into the carpet along lichtenberg figures.” Furley added, “To be honest, I drew my sidearm because I felt he might suddenly stand up and tear down the whole damn building with his teeth.”
The surviving paramedic was in such a state of shock and disbelief at what he had seen, that he did not realize an electrical current passed through Johnson’s body and into his own, completing a powerful circuit that instantly dysregulated his breathing.
Startled, Officer Furley emptied his pistol into the already-dead Liver King, which he said he regrets, “I didn’t mean to desecrate his body but under the circumstances, I hope the Liver family can understand it was an honest mistake. But you should’ve seen it. My God. After a few minutes the muscles in his entire body flexed all at once, finally caving in his bones. Blood flying everywhere. But what a relief. All those wires going into him, the fucked up artificial intelligence twisting all his muscles around like that? It was a total bad trip, man. Kinda ruined my life to see it all.”
Cygnus said he applied an equally unconventional method to bring his electrocuted colleague’s breathing back into check.
“He nearly damn died,” Cygnus said. “But I gave him an emergency puff of colloidal silver, off the mobile colloidal silver generator and lung delivery system installed in every Preferred Ambulance Service unit.”
Not only is this a pioneering approach to silver ingestion, but it is also the fastest method of delivering the silver content directly into the lungs when targeting the respiratory environment.
Cygnus said when his colleague came to, he was again stricken by Johnson’s unusual appearance, who looked, in life, much older than 43.
“He said, ‘Why’s he red! Why’s he all red!’ I said, ‘Son, he was already that color, when he was alive.’ Boy said, ‘But he looks all burnt up. Hugh, I cooked him.’ He said, ‘I seared him like a steak.’ I said, ‘Son, that man burned bright when he was alive, so that all may see.’ Now look at me, and gaze no more upon him.”

Thin Blue Line — Cutting out the FAT

 

Lt. Barry Dingle said he was “very familiar“ with ancestral living, and the technique of self-administered muscular electrostimulation, because other Houston Police Department officers have since adopted the practice after witnessing Johnson’s success story on YouTube.
“My guys used to be soft, fat, ineffectual slobs who got winded just from gooning their micro,” Dingle said. “Under Johnson’s careful instruction — rest his soul — my boys set down their chicken tenders and Cokes, and picked up a diet of raw animal parts, testosterone replacement injections, and spray-on steroids. Gear. Mr. Cygnus will attest that since this so-called fad diet took off, the results in his emergency room speak for themselves: Due in part to roid-rage, and other parts raw muscle gains, police and deputy wives are now being hospitalized at a rate Houston has not seen since the Oilers competed for the championship in the American Football Leagues of 1960 to ’61.”
Although Johnson leaves behind a legacy of fitness awareness, he also leaves a mountain of debt which must be repaid by his surviving family, despite corporate sponsors seizing all contractual assets, including his home, gym, and workout equipment. Analysts say these assertions could play out in the courts for decades to come.
For now, the Savage Liver Boys – Rad, and Stryker – have lost a father, Barbara has lost her husband, and an entire Kingdom has lost its liver.