Internet Chronicle

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Félix Lengyel, better known as xQc. Mr. Lengyel was found dead in his apartment after friends became worried when he failed to go live for almost half a day.

Lengyel’s vast fortune has been disbursed to Blizzard Entertainment, Kick Streaming, and Twitch TV, as per his contracts.

xQc fan Herman Kilroy, a ninth grade student from Seattle, told reporters, “I was still going to watch but I was afraid to talk about him like we usually do at lunch. He was just so cringe, you know? But now that he’s dead, that’s kind of sad.”

Friends first became worried after xQC lost a debate with another content creator this weekend.

“After that debate, Félix was shaken. He came to hang out with me for a couple of hours and drink a few beers, which is very rare these days. I haven’t seen a lot of him. He was obsessed, he wouldn’t talk about anything else. He felt like Ethan had ruined his career and that he’d made a fool out of himself,” longtime friend Connor Morenstein posted to Lengyel’s facebook. “The rumor is that he hung himself with a microphone cable. Grim.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, media analyst with Google, told reporters, “We’re seeing massive fluctuating numbers coming through our content systems. My friend at Twitch says it’s the same over there. I’m afraid we’ve built our content up like a house of cards, canceling every potential franchise and promoting the most faddish nonsense for short term gains. This whole place is going to go the way of MTV.”

INTERNET — Famed chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador synthesized the world’s first industrial batch of the newly discovered room temperature superconductor LK-99.

“I’m etching the LK-99 6522 chips right now, and they’re insane man. This 8-bit chip from 1975 will compute about as fast as a top chip on the market, thanks to this new material,” Dr. Troubador laughed, “And it barely uses any electricity at all!”

Popping the indistinct grey chip into the back of a Commander X16, Dr. Troubador said, “The software and much of the hardware to allow an 8-bit machine to do the same tricks as a modern PC don’t exist, but I’ve ported a fully functioning Minecraft over using ChatGPT5.”

He grinned at the cameras as the modified Commander X16 booted directly into a fluid, beautiful Minecraft realm. The mouse and keyboard movements felt snappy and connected, in the way that only old computers can. “Do you know how fast we’re clocking the CPU? This thing is up in the Terahertz! And you wanna know what’s funny? What energy doesn’t go to computing is almost entirely emanated in T-waves. T-Waves! I’m already tearing down the T-wave gap, probably triggering a double technological paradigm shift.”

David Murray, creator of the Commander X16, will soon be richer than both Bill Gates and Elon Musk combined, thanks to the chips printed by Dr. Troubador. His Commander X16 computer provides a modernized 8-bit architecture which is optimally suited for adapting the new LK-99 terahertz chips from Lebal Drocer.

“It’s going to be some time before we can print a more detailed chip,” Troubador said, “Years, at the very least. So I suppose all current computers are now basically obsolete energy wasters, and we’ll go back to 8 bits for a while, or tie these onto the side as a co-processor for existing systems. But whatever, it’s hilarious how fast I can adapt software with ChatGPT5 doing all the tedious work.”