Better Late Than Never! – The Internet Chronicle’s Tax-Day Tips for Tax Protesters

EAGER, ARIZ. – This tax day, the legacy of tax protesters still lives strong. And perhaps among the most famous Americans in their number was Bill Cooper, who now resides in a cemetery just off of 356 South Papago Street in Springerville, Ariz. Hanging in the area near Mr. Cooper is not much that Google Maps seems to want to comment on – a baseball diamond, a fenced in area to take a stroll – no webcam footage.

All that looks available of the area is a single Flickr user with geotracking on a digital single-lens reflex camera. That there is tax-dodging country.

BeholdAFailedCourse 300x176 Better Late Than Never!   The Internet Chronicles Tax Day Tips for Tax Protesters

How Not To Dodge Your Taxes

 

Here is  The Internet Chronicle’s guide to fearing the IRS, who is like Seal Team 6, but more omniscient.

  1. The heat will probably be really hyped up, even if you’re just really just a self-sufficient survivalist. You’re no more in the “militia” than Zimmerman is a “neighborhood watch enthusiast” like the liberal media down at Raw Story said he was.
  2. If it looks like refusing to pay you your taxes will cost you your life, anyway, make sure that you try to frame the feds for murder like that 2009  census worker who died of guilt.
  3. Don’t do as Ed and Elaine Brown did, those 2007 tax protesters who eventually had to peacefully take the fall. Don’t tell your local paper you don’t want to pay school and town property taxes because the “[the school and town] don’t provide me any services,” and so “I’m not going to contribute to them anymore.” This is a negative PR move. The self-interest will be too obvious. You need principles, principles, principles.
  4. When you’re fleeing to get back in your house like Mr. Cooper did, make sure you keep your hands in front of you. Any ambiguity about their placement might be a bad move. Before firing those final, lethal shots, law enforcement authorities said the host of shortwave’s “The Hour of the Time” fired at them, low, with his back to them.
  5. It turns out documentarian Aaron Russo was dead wrong, too, and Title 26 really does mean you have to file and perhaps pay net income taxes.
  6. Most Americans find it difficult to particularly closely associate Freemasonry with Zionism. If you’re going to Be Like Ed Brown and create an alternative historical narrative to support your all-important principle you’ll going to need to really hold out, you’ve got to make sure you can convince people of something not altogether intuitive. And fast. You’ve got to get the public on your side not too long after the feds finally turn off your electricity.
  7. If you want to Be Like Ed Brown, you might say : “The entire American government is fiction. We created it, didn’t we?” This statement might really throw a wrench in the gears of that negotiation scenario, considering that you might as well be arguing with a cartoon character.
  8. No matter how dire negotiations get, calling up Ruby Ridge’s Randy Weaver to add positive spin to your front-yard news conference is just an awful idea. It’s not going to help you hold out any longer or increase your food supplies. Again, it’s attention you just don’t want, no matter what a raw deal the Weavers got. How did Milton keep his job so long in Office Space? By speaking up?
  9. If you believe, as Bill Cooper once did, that the aliens are manipulating secret societies, there is no logical reason to fear the secret societies’ omniscience. Who knows, then, what kind of hair-brained excursions the aliens are actually sending the Freemasons or the Zionists on? And who knows why? Perhaps on your behalf?
  10. Be poor. Own as little as possible before you begin your tax strike. Not only will this delay that initial audit, but since, if poor, you only have a chance of receiving a refund by filing, absolutely no one will care that you broke the law and didn’t file. Because it lacks self-interest, the only protest the public will really care about is your turning down that refund!
  11. Finally off of the credit card grid, you will probably need to hunt for sustenance what you can’t manage to sneak through the standoff, so get a scoped Browning 03-06 to nail womp rats. Make sure you don’t put fancy rails on it because, in Bill Cooper’s case, the film “The Hour of Our Time” says the feds claimed to have confused that humble Browning with an AK-47.
  12. Again, as Ruby Ridge’s Randy Weaver can tell you, there is never a compelling reason to go outside, especially to lead that news conference.
  13. Make plans for a burial on a plot of land somewhere that can take mail. We’re not aware that Cooper’s grave can even take mail. Allowing those cards to rush in will at least allow your final resting place to become a shrine at an exponential rate.
  14. Until the 1913 insurpations of the 16th Amendment and the creation of the Federal Reserve are finally undone, contact the John Birch Society in order to be shielded in an Eric Rudolph-esque underground railroad.
  15. Get a guru. If you’re Ed and Elaine Brown, make it a Crumb-esque Mr. Natural type, like the Browns’ mysterious long-haired, robe-wearing “Sonny.” If you’re Mr. Cooper, and if you can’t settle with the guy who wrote “War Is A Racket,” make it the first secretary of defense, James Forrestal. According to “Dark Sun: The Making of the Hydrogen Bomb,” a close friend of Mr. Forrestal “found him in his darkened and shuttered house that afternoon whispering of Communist, Zionist and White House conspiracy, floridly paranoid.” The friend “bustled him off to Florida for a rest, but when vacationing [Undersecretary of State and future Defense Secretary] Robert Lovett met his plane, joking about golfing, Forrestal told the Undersecretary of State, ‘Bob, they’re after me.’” Given how many superpatriots like Eugene McCarthy worshiped a guy like that, you’ll gain a lot more sympathy with the law-and-order crowd if you can associate as much as possible with you an ideological leader like that.
  16. As it were, the secretary of the Treasury keeps a list of “frivolous excuses” that they’ll come down harder on you for using because they know that you’re just trying to use the Amnesty International flood-them-with-paperwork tactic. Do not toy with the IRS. They will punish you more for stalling tactics. Yes, they know you weren’t named in all caps.
  17. Speaking of which, when the feds finally come to your door, have ready on your smartphone a copy of that video of Harry Reid saying that paying your income taxes is voluntary. No matter how wrong the majority leader from Nevada was, the feds will be hard-pressed to explicitly shout him down right now, even if he admits he’s wrong. As long as this ex-cop’s at the top of leadership, his erroneous claims may still be of some safe PR administrative stalling value.
  18. Make sure that your employer or employers have your address and zip code written correctly on your W-2s. But you really should have done that a while ago – not that any of this will matter because you’ll be turning in your forms blank.

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