Staff

Raghubir Goyal

INERRANT LEADER OF CHRONICLE.SU FROM WHOSE SMILE EXTENDS WARM SUNSHINE, WHOSE TENDER SLEEP HERALDS THE SOMBER DARKNESS.

It is not clear when Raghubir Goyal assumed control of chronicle.su, but official documents suggest nothing existed before his time, until he thought of it, manifesting chronicle.su through transcendental acts of pure will and aggression – the creation of all things – such that we only exist in the perfect mind of the one and only supreme leader, Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal.

Media Mogul

I’ll take The Man Who Owns The News for 500, Alex

“This mysterious and dark unseen harbinger of truth is most famous for appearing in this publication’s feature story on a topiary garden suicide.”

What is The Sun?

 @lowercaseanon

The great troller of trolls who troll trolls, @lowercaseanon fucks the minds of young anons who think they know what they’re talking about. His insightful editorials create dissent and divide anonymous from Anonymous.

Frank Mason

CHRONICLE.SU is proud to announce the departure of America’s favorite author of the fictional children’s hate series “Your Body And You: The Evil Within” - #1 New York Times Bestseller. He hates you, us and the readers but we love to pay him. Nothing will stop his drinking. He is presumed dead, or dying.

Ol’ Brutus

If it hit the mainstream media, then chances are Old Brutus ignored it. Grizzled from the hardships of an overly privileged alternative 90s lifestyle, this Chronicle writer redefined a generation. Having lived among the rich, entitled middle class youth of previous decades, he became disillusioned by the apparent absence of a rich, meaningful culture that eluded him and his brothers but was fabled to exist – somewhere, sometime. That time, Brutus decided, is now.

Edward Snowden

Ed Snowden is the Chronicle’s top reporter in the field. During the first protest of the Afghanistan War, and the first protest of President Hussein Obama’s War Actions, Ed Snowden reported live by sending photographs in real time to The Elf Wax Times.
Thanks to Ed Snowden, this publication beat every institution in the world to the story as it happened, threading the Chronicle.SU into the main pillar of Democracy forever.

Kilgore Trout

Famed destroyer of AnonNews and author of many hundreds of purposefully abject “Anonymous” press releases, Kilgore Trout is a source of cancer on many internet message boards. Trout is also known for hateful exchanges with AnonOps administrators, and once got an AnonNews moderator banned forever, by forcing him to overstep his bounds.

Ronny Nitro

Founder of America’s most trusted underground publication, The Elf Wax Times, Ronny Nitro is an unstoppable force who has proven himself capable of shitting out prodigious beacons of truth without looking back to see the steam rise. He went on to become a wealthy, successful filmmaker.

svirgula

Svirgula is Chroniclespeak for Quality Over Quantity. This writer who rarely sees the light of day and only emerges to assassinate, similar to the trapdoor spider. Also like the trapdoor spider, Svirgula has a cool name.

Anton OyVey

Anton OyVey, notably connected to the Bohemian Grove and radio personality Vince in the Bay, was the first Earthling to prophecy Texas Governor Rick Perry’s entry to the 2012 Republican Race to return Whiteness to the White House.

lowercase anonymous

lowercase anonymous is the motherfucking shit. lowercase anonymous could be anyone at all. no one can be kicked out of lowercase anonymous. lowercase anonymous famously ousted barrett brown and ridiculed uppercase anonymous into oblivion. as the inventor of lulzsec, lowercase anonymous frowns upon the extreme faggotry of antisec.

Cess Poole

Cess Poole is the ambiguous bastard that loses his train of thought too easily and fails to use punctuation and capilization and is the world’s foremost leader in run-on sentences. Also, drugs.

27

Twenty seven is perhaps the most important number of all time. As it is three raised to the power of three, there are many seemingly magical properties which baffle the layperson. The most important of which is that the greatest musicians immediately die after twenty seven inglorious years.

Adrian Chen

Self-informed and self-important, Adrian Chen educates his sources on various topics – not the other way around. He is known for hating the inaccuracy of the Chronicle more than he hates WikiLeaks, but writes for us anyway because in doing so, it is the only recognition he can garner from his Dad.

 

Alistair Rowntree

Inventor of the Rowntree interdimensional stargate, Alistair passed into another dimension in the fall of 2010. His legacy lives on in the hearts and minds of all Chronicle writers, along with a multitude followers of the religion he invented. Rowntree fashioned a bus into an interdimensional form of transportation, known as the Tardus, and is rumored to be traveling with Biggie and Tupac.

Alec Empire

Atari Teenage Riot’s founding member and creator of hardcore electronica, Alec Empire is also an advocate for information freedom fighter Ryan Cleary. Of German descent, Empire tours the world making big bucks riding the coattails of trendy activist movements like Anonymous. Alec Empire fits in quite well at the Chronicle.

Andrew Breitbart

Andrew Breitbart occasionally contributes to the Chronicle, and is known for his famous attack on Anthony Weiner. As owner of bigCocks.com, Breitbart is ever the refreshing voice.

Barrett Brown

After falling from his position of power as the leader of Anonymous, we accepted Barrett Brown as part time contributor to the Chronicle. He works for extraordinarily small sums, the lowest in fact, we have ever paid, writing entire articles for a dimebag of cheap heroin.

Charlie

Charlie is a useless, pitiful bitch. Nobody loves Charlie. He is presumed dead, or dying.

Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi

The Tripoli Strongman, notorious for giving notes to Charlie Sheen on the subject of winning. Currently, Gaddafi is cornered like a rabid dog, ready to gnaw his way out of the trap that has been set by Western powers.

Your Facebook Stalker

This man is a rapist who masturbates every time a girl adds him on Facebook or uploads her beach photos. Cyberstalker extraordinaire.

Geo Hotz

“Geo” killed four men in Reno just by contemplating it. He once got sued by Sony and gave up his life as a murderous hacker to pursue a career writing for the Chronicle.

Hateful Man

Filled with hate, this man is best known for his extended tirades against Jews, the Internet and the mainstream media. He also hates women.

The Hateship Alliance

Bro-love that once hinged on hate itself later became a lasting bond stronger than the Communist Bloc – and more relevant, too. Comprised of literally thousands of lulz boats, the Hateship Alliance will never die, and sails the seas of human disease, looking for her next unfortunate bounty. She is hungry for dissonance, and armed to the teeth with nuclear death.

Loki and the Hecktones

Loki and the Hecktones are an underground street-beat jam-band with no grasp on reality whatsoever. Their lives consist mostly of “finding doses” and tripping shrooms, apologizing to people, and writing the occasional chronicle.SU article.
When articles happen, it is usually the accidental byproduct of a chemically-induced religious experience brought on after intense, nightmarish introspection. This is normally followed up by ego death and rambling, incoherent e-mails expressing love and distrust for chronicle.SU staffers.
The Hecktones have not been heard from since before Bonnaroo ’09, but they are presumed alive and well by their own definitions, which does not exclude the possibility that any one of them is dead. [citation needed]
Loki was last seen on the chronicle.SU arrest reports for simple possession and lying to a police officer. Bond was set at $4,500.

Masta420Chiefa

Who let this lame fucker in here?

pukedkittens

Originally crafted as a catch-all, this author is the pair of dirty, used underwear shared by all new writers before they are permitted to go commando.

Willy Taes

You love Willy Taes because he regurgitates the diarrhea squirt forth by the self feeding mass media fearstorm, and it makes you feel good about yourself.

Elf Wax

Elf Wax is the original news hatemachine, now a monolith serving as a testament to God’s irrational anger and jealousy.

Viet Zam

Dissenting Viet Nam veteran known here only by his internet handle was last seen wearing a black hood over his head, being carried away by friends.