I was born under a mountain on top of an iron geyser. The doctors said I was anemic.
So they want me to write this bio about myself for you. Here it is.
When I was thirteen, I figured out I could write because some bitch asked me to do it for seventh grade English class. I said alright and I put pen to paper. We were supposed to write something like three stories a day. Or a week, I don’t remember. Either way, what the fuck kind of class was that?
I wrote one story per week, carefully carving my characters out of paper and raw imagination, making C’s.
Fuck her. Let’s see. Oh yeah. Her name was Mrs. Doll. Or maybe it was probably Ms. because who would marry that fat hog bitch? Fuck you, Ms. Doll! You were cruel and ignorant.
Anyway, after having sex with Ms. Doll, I was promoted to the rank of Writer, First Class. The work was shit but payed alright, except I was pissing it away on cocaine. I was about fourteen by that time.
Ms. Doll was too loose for my liking, or at least that’s what the coke would have me believe, so I started fucking her daughter who was my age and sat right next to me in her class. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, “she’s too old” and all that. Hey, I’m not picky. Bitch could squirt her come all the way across the room, and it was a big classroom.
That, too, got old and I dropped out of middle school. I left that place in the dust. I might go back and further my education someday, but until then, I am living the Elf Wax dream.
So right now I’m writing for The Elf Wax Times, hocking their stupid paper wherever I’m at, like a two-bit whore, but one day I’ll blow this joint for something better, something bigger, something….yeah….something glamorous. Fuck this shit. I want to snort coke off a Thai hooker with Jeff Goldblum, AHHHH GOD YEAH THAT’S WHAT I WANNA DO. That’s what I really wanna do. Dare to dream, kids.
Actually you know what, Elf Wax ain’t so bad. I am a rich motherfucker and I’m impregnating women left and right who don’t even know me, spreadin’ that SEED, BITCHES! I’m the fucking leader of Truth and Freedom, and you can too! SIGN UP. JOIN THE GLORIOUS, MOST RIGHTEOUS FUCKING MONUMENT TO THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH THIS SIDE OF CHINA! JOIN! THE ELF WAX FUCKING TIMES!