You’ve found the cow level

Meet Your Soviet Chronicle staff

Formerly known as The Elf Wax Times, The Soviet Union Chronicle is operated by a diverse, hostile group of writers consisting of only white men. What makes a group of white, Christian males diverse is their little differences, mainly that some choose to inject their heroin while another might ingest it. Also, some of them are brown, not white at all.


Ronny “Wayne” Nitro

Our Beautiful Leader, The Founder of All Things ELF WAX and THE GLORIOUS CHRONICLE[SU] OF AGES

Kilgore Trout

Executive Editor

Media Mogul [Rupert_Murdoch]

Executive Editor


Our Drug Abuse Statistical Average Goes Down With Every New Hire!*

Old Brutus

Old Brutus once changed the face of music, and now he changes minds.

The Cold Hard Truth

War-hero, accomplished columnist, and Chronic Legal Representation.

Tyler Bass

Tyler Bass reports from Washington, D.C. No, seriously.

Viet Zam

The most lovable, and mysterious Elf Wax Times writer, Viet Zam had no name to match his worldwide infamy and no one knows what ever happened to him.

Loki & The Hecktones

Once clapped their hands along to Phish on iTunes for forty five minutes while chanting Soviet mantra.


Charlie was a loser.

Hateful Man

Hateful Man is neither Hateful nor a Man. He is the stuff of legends. And men. And hate.


The good shit.


*for the first few weeks



Ian Murphy

Ian Murphy decided to write for the Chronicle because it’s so much better than the shitty ass Buffalo Beast. Any articles written or edited by him at the Beast are actually managed by his army of Haitian slaves, who incidentally account for up to 40% of the Beast’s “readership.”