lowercase anonymous hacks bart police and releases personal information

lowercase anonymous always wins riots

hey fuckers we’re back. we are the evil anonymous who allows anyone to use our name. that’s right, anyone can be lowercase anonymous.

today, we hacked bart police and released their info because we don’t give a fuck. uppercase anonymous has denied they had anything to do with the hack, and they are right. it was all lowercase anonymous.

these fascists at uppercase anonymous think they can tell us what’s what, and pretend like lowercase anonymous doesn’t exist. if it wasn’t hacked by sabu, it wasn’t uppercase anonymous. if the protesters aren’t wearing guy fawkes masks, it’s not uppercase anonymous.

lowercase anons wear bandanas instead of that dumb shit from v  for vendetta.

lowercase anons hack anything they feel like and don’t deny it after a few media outlets say its bad.

we know the command came from sabu, he said “hey, guys, i didn’t have anything to do with hacking bart, so it wasn’t uppercase anonymous.” well who the hell was it, sabu? you know who. lowercase anonymous. ujelly? umad that you aren’t the only hacker who can use the name anonymous? no one knows the difference between lowercase and uppercase anonymous, and no one ever will. that’s because lowercase anon is the ultimate anon, and it cannot be destroyed.

u called the san francisco bart protest a riots and lowercase anonymous didn’t give a fuck. fuck it, we were rioting. we were the ones kicking down gates and not giving a fuck. we were the ones blocking traffic. we are lowercase anonymous and we’re always better than uppercase.

lowercase anons do not deny

lowercase anons do not care

lowercase anons expect stuff

Chronicle.SU surpasses Buffalo Beast as internet’s leading satire web site

Wednesday, internet analysts declared Chronicle.SU finally outdid the Buffalo Beast in hilarity, traffic, and overall writing quality. Therefore, I have decided to stop writing for the Buffalo Beast and instead work solely for Chronicle.SU. Any posts on Buffalo Beast under the name of Ian Murphy will be ghost-written by my staff of underpaid Haitians.

Numbers are everything

The overall crappy graphic design and obsession with Barrett Brown were probable reasons for the decline of the Beast, as well as our abject complaining about a Facebook ban that had very little effect on our traffic. As the Beast’s aging demographic slowly dies off from AIDs caused by extreme liberalism, the Chronicle’s young audience expands their minds by combining LSD with dubstep. The choice I’ve made was both obvious and personally fulfilling.

I’ve joined up with the Chronicle in hopes that I can teach them a thing or two about trolling. Obviously, they’ve forgotten what it means. I will admit that they did troll Anonymous quite effectively and must still enjoy the lulz to this day. However, there never seems to be a point to it, and good satire/trolling always has a point.

I hope to bring my experience to the Chronicle and make it a better place, instead of just a bunch of asshole trolls who don’t even know what they’re doing. Damn, it feels good to be writing for such a valuable and important publication.

UBL Died for the Sins of Lebal Drocer

SCAPEGOAT!

Osama bin Laden

This is just a friendly reminder that if United States President Barack Hussein Obama happens to be reelected, this is why.

Osama bin Laden died as a martyr, but not his way. Bin Laden died at the hands of Seal Team Six in the name of everything he ever hated. Incidentally, he died to propagate that which Americans also hate.

th3j35t3r behind #OpFacebook

Follow @GhostOfShawn on Twitter if you like this kind of shit!

#OpFacebook, a concocted Anonymous operation which threatens to bring down Facebook, has drawn the anger of uptight and gullible Facebook users everywhere. This threat is reminiscent of those placed against Westboro Baptist this February. It appears this is yet another infiltration psy-op from th3j35t3r.

By manufacturing false operations like these, th3j35t3r undermines Anonymous and forces ever-increasing divergence from the core ideal of Anonymity. If anyone can be Anonymous, certainly those who want to destroy Anonymous will also use the name to cleverly lead the collective towards destruction. This forces leaderfags and namefags to chastise these “fake” operations in order to keep Anonymous “on track”.

However, baseless threats intended to incite fear are business as usual for Anonymous. The news media has picked up on #OpFacebook because it fits the pattern of aimless vitriol which is a benchmark of past Anonymous operations. Yet Anonymous has no one to blame but themselves. #OpFacebook is just so easy to believe.

A tale of two Secs

Saturday, AntiSec released personal e-mails from 77 different law enforcement web sites with the explicit purpose of revealing corruption and criminal behavior. We spent hours combing through this mountain of notably unimportant information and are entirely disappointed that it was even released at all.

Not only did AntiSec fail to uncover anything of value, but it publicized images of a 13 year old girl in a bikini. Although the girl in question published these photographs herself via Facebook, the importance of their presence in Chief Mayfield’s e-mail inbox is completely dependent on context, and the context is missing. As the only real article of interest, Anonymous gladly embraced this concocted “JailBait scandal” because it justified their illegal actions and gave them a sense of self-importance. In reality, there was nothing of value in this e-mail dump. Surprise, surprise. Cops don’t discuss their illegal behavior in e-mails.

Having said all that, I understand the power of a symbol. I don’t think AntiSec necessarily needs to justify every single action by unearthing scandalous proof of criminal behavior. Yet I still find there’s quite a bit left to be desired. What I’m about to state may shatter all your preconceived notions, but I really mean it. In every way, LulzSec was a more effective form of hacktivism than AntiSec will ever be.

Recent AntiSec press releases suffer from a severe case of self-importance. By hacking and releasing police e-mails, AntiSec appears to believe they are waving a magic wand which will cure law enforcement of corruption. Not only do these dumps lack context, as is the case with the JailBait scandal, but they also lack basic fact-checking and corroboration. There is absolutely no effort put into confirming the information presented as fact or fiction. There is a growing possibility that governments may plant disinformation on their own servers simply to discredit hacktivists.

As for the recent defacement of Syrian government web servers, I’m even less impressed. In the same way that invading Iraq was damaging and polarizing for liberty in the region, attacking Syria’s internet infrastructure is also counterproductive. Such symbolic support need not rest upon such a threatening attack, even if it is entirely nonviolent in nature.

However, I have great praise for LulzSec because of their conscious effort to utilize the power of a symbol. Unlike the self-important AntiSec, LulzSec did not overplay the importance of what they hacked. AntiSec seems to believe hacking will be a kind of cure-all for social injustice, criminal behavior and corruption. Such grandiose and delusional statements sell on the Anonymous marketplace, but they don’t translate to a wider audience.

LulzSec never promised to deliver any goods. LulzSec delivered symbols representing the incompetence and fallacy of authority. I might be biased, but a fake news story posted on a prominent news site is a lot more palatable than, say, telling the world you don’t care about the safety of police informants. AntiSec promises to find criminal behavior, but only delivers their own. Not only that, but they utterly fail to achieve the kind of symbolic triumph that was the reason for the success of LulzSec.

Peaceful Hate Pain Time

The world's worst monster

The price of freedom reached an all time high this week as cargo planes carrying food to the famine-stricken regions of Africa were attacked by rebels without a cause. Like the looters in London, these rebels acted out of greed, as African Rebels often do when gang-raping villagers. These freedom fighters then held a feast in celebration of all the food they liberated.

In the midst of famine, war, riots, and hatred, the internet is primarily worried about Facebook statuses and Twitter follows. Governments everywhere are violently thrusting invisible dildos into our sphincters, and the citizenry is powerless to defy their false genitalia.

But what can I do to help?
First, tighten your bums, it’s about to get interesting. Anonymous, as they like to be called, is in the process of “the plan,” a very ambiguous, elusive concept which will be a magical solution to all future dildo problems. But as it is Anonymous, nothing will be accomplished other than a few teenagers getting V&. There’s not even really a plan past that.

So Anonymous is the usual failure. What’s else can I do?
Anders Breivik had an idea, but let’s not go there. Too much writing and bomb-making. Yet we all know peaceful protest is a waste of time, and riots only help until the tanks roll through, crushing anyone in their way. We’ve thinned our options a bit. Perhaps the only solution, dare I say, the “final solution,” may be combining all forms of protest at once. Murder with peace, riot with blogging. A perfectly synchronized attack of peace and hate. This will obviously require Casio watches.

Maybe the “final solution” will be just as much of a fail as #opsony, who can say? A wise man once said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He also said, “if it’s broke, fix it.” That second quote is much less famous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s really quite good.

My point, dear reader, is that our ways of standing up and exercising our voice are rapidly being disallowed. We can’t kill people. We can’t even burn copper’s cars in the streets. So join me in the new protest, peaceful hate pain time. We will excecute PHPT sometime in November, the 5th actually, because we want to steal the small press Anonymous will get for the sure disgrace of #opfacebook.

Editor’s note: Chronicle.SU does not endorse Peaceful Hate Pain Time, violence, or any kind of fake internet activism.

Chronicle.SU writer paranoid, unhinged, and insane

Here’s a few things I’ve learned from making up jokes about the internet. Nick MacCombs, my good friend, is the spy amongst our midst. Once, he asked me to do a hit piece on his site. I did it, at his request! Those bastards pirates got TotallyFalse.info, but they forgot the famed quote by the great leader Topiary, “you cannot arrest an idea.”

All the while, Andrew Breitbart’s retweeting my dick off because he loves the hate. Shit, he even mentioned me. Ian Murphy is a bitch and so is th3j35t3r. At least th3j35t3r doesn’t feed trolls. Adrian Chen makes up his stories just like I do, and I’m a paranoid schizophrenic for thinking this is all funny. Barrett Brown runs the internet.

I’m so paranoid I quit my job! You know that’s all it took for me to to withdraw from society – a little bit of internet paranoia. Of course, I love to spend all day on the internet because I’ve crossed the line into another reality and there’s no coming back. I am a cyborg. A paranoid cyborg. I’m so paranoid from the internet and I use it non-stop.

You see, the paranoid schtick is something I don’t really apply to the internet. I’m just holding a mirror to the internet at large, you are the ones who are paranoid. I’m not paranoid! You’re paranoid!

No, I’ve never thought the internet’s been out to get me. The internet is my friend, and would never conspire against me. Sometimes I get on AnonOps IRC just to look at all the paranoia. The joke is always “u a fed?” “LOL YES.” But this is the joke of a paranoid. These people are paranoid. D0x are flying! Ryan Cleary’s snitchin’.

Paranoid, paranoid?

Yeh you paranoid?

This conspiracy goes to the highest level of Lebal Drocer.

 

 

 

Ian Murphy is a fail

Last week, Ian Murphy of the Buffalo Beast announced his publication has been banned from Facebook, so I decided to see how difficult it was to share a link to this important article with my friends on Facebook.

Yeah that's my real name and my real face, congratulations on d0xing me.

This moronic piece from Ian Murphy attempted to display all kinds of articulate and savvy points about rage comics, lolcats, and white supremacy memes, but instead illustrated how clueless Murphy really is. All it took for me to post a link to this “banned” article on Facebook was a simple URL shortener. Instead of an unfunny mixture of internet memes and pitiful moaning on the terrible social problem of Holocaust denial, Murphy could have just mentioned URL shorteners and made a supreme mockery of Facebook. Also, cocks.

If Murphy wanted to take it a step further, the Beast could have purchased another domain. Perhaps he could have used 4chan.com or elfwax.com. Censoring a web site run by a truly savvy team of engineers is completely impossible. However, the issue of censorship was employed only for the sake of an underhanded advertisement campaign. Murphy didn’t care about Facebook censorship. In fact, our sources within Anonymous have confirmed Murphy reported The Beast to Facebook for offensive content, as part of a larger conspiracy to drive his fans to Google+.

Not an advertisement?

In May, The Beast sided with Google when unearthing a scheme by Facebook to pay off journalists. Google has a long history of raining gold all over Ian Murphy’s publication. Records obtained from hacked bitcoin nodes indicate Murphy received nearly 1,000 bitcoins on Monday afternoon, adding to the pile of evidence that he’s been payrolled by Google.

tl;dr: Buffalo Beast is a fail. Ian “Herp Derp” Murphy is a fail. Lolcats are dead, rage comics are dead. Old person is old and Buffalo Beast deserves b&.

UPDATE: Ian Murphy/Billy Walshe correspondence leaked to Pastebin!

Fuck you @ShadowMindGear

Hello, I’m Andrew Breitbart and my mother abandoned me.

I was adopted by a liberal family of Jews and still have a chip on my shoulder. However, I have seen the light of homophobia and Tea Party Christianity.

I have more websites than Alex Jones. Like him, I know how to run this internet stuff. I own BigHollywood.com, BigGovernment.com, BigJournalism.com, and BigPeace.com. I hate things that are big. That’s why I destroyed Anthony Weiner and Shirley Sherrod.

By publishing Anthony Weiner’s big cock all over the internet, I forced him to resign. Us Tea Party patriots hate big cocks, and it’s really Weiner’s fault for not keeping that shit secret. My next web site will be BigCocks.com, which I will dedicate to pictures of liberals with big cocks.

I took down Shirley Sherrod because she had such a big mouth. You see, I understand that Shirley Sherrod isn’t a bad person, and she only meant to teach and not offend. She presented an example of her own racism as regrettable behavior. She’s got such a big mouth, and that’s worse than actually being racist.

Now this guy on Twitter, @ShadowMindGear, keeps trolling me. I don’t know how he does it, but every single time he mentions me I am literally forced to retweet what he says. It’s like he’s got some kind of magical power over my Twitter account and I don’t like it. It looks like he’s a part of Anonymous or something, I don’t know. Maybe I should start a web site called BigInternet.com to get rid of these trolls from Anonymous.

Yo man, can you pass a hit of that Debt Ceiling?

Well ladies, we hit the debt ceiling, and we hit it hard. I think. I guess we’ll all find out later today. So what are we looking at? Recession? Inflation? Oh, I think I have an idea, it’s so simple. All we have to do is invade Iran, North Korea, and Pakistan, exploit their natural resources, and that should pay our electric bill for another month. I mean, it worked before, right? All the war-mongering paid off, RIGHT?! Apparently some assholes are profiting from all this war, but not the people fighting it. Game over man, game over.

Who else loves the Tea Party as much as i do?!?!

If the Tea Party doesn’t get a candidate in office in 2012 I’m shipping off to Canada. If anyone can save us from the cluthces of Frobama, it’s the Tea Party. Herman Cain and Michele ”Gacy” Bachmann together, for the win. We’re in trouble of becoming TOO successful. America hasn’t peaked, and it’s up to us, the voters, to make it happen. Join me in my undying support for all Tea Party candidates! They’re our only chance.

Imagine my dear readers, a country ruled by Jesus himself through his earhtly embodiment, the Tea Party. Sheeps will lay with lions, and everyone will be celibate. No more STDs, no more crimes, and no more wars - oh wait - scratch that last one. We must prevail over the evil specter of Islam and take the oil G-d really meant for us to have in the first place. The US of A is G-D’S country, and G-d is tired of being in fucking debt! Donate all your money to Tea Party Nation.org.

I’m not sure this debt ceiling thing is even real at all. So you’re telling me, Washington, that we can be 14.5 trillion in debt, but not 14.6? G-d forbid!