Analog versus Digital

It’s the great debate: is analog, with its potential for diversity, superior to the convenient but rigid lockstep of digital technology? Billy Walshe has argued the former and, traditionally, I side with him. But I have found a group of corporate researchers who don’t: twenty-five percent of all women.

1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test.
That’s why there’s Clearblue Digital.”
Clearblue television advertisement

Is this sort of thing really necessary? Throughout the entire history of human evolution, the billions and perhaps trillions (depending on where your definition of human draws the line) of people born and died to get us here did not need any kind of test. But, then smart people figured out how to tell a woman’s pregnant, so the pregnancy test came out. It was a great chance for us modern folks to say, “Oh shit.” Just like in the movies! What a novelty.

Okay, so the pregnancy test came about and life improved, but as a device, it remained simple and still has not become so advanced that it is more telling than a late period. But it would appear that some “researchers” concluded that in America (persumably this is not a commercial directed at Comedy Central’s viewers in Mali), a country where 99% of all women read, 25% of them can’t read a pregnancy test – or reads it incorrectly.

No, you know what? I almost believe it. Let’s get real about this. From personal experience, I can tell you right now that there are actually adult women who don’t know what ovulation means and therefore have no idea what the point of a period is. “Wow that’s a lot of blood! I must’ve had a lot to eat this month.” I know some women who might piss on this thing before you even have sex.

But let’s be fair to Clearblue. The company wouldn’t stand behind a claim, commercial or otherwise, if there wasn’t some merit to it. [Editor's note: at The Elf Wax Times, we blindly trust large corporations for your convenience] Someone probably did a very biased study, but I’m sure it was a study nonetheless. So I beg the question: what are these women doing? Are they delusional? Are they seeing shit that isn’t there? Are her eyes crossed from being beaten by drunk Larry who “don’t support no kinda pullin’ out” and it causes her to see a positive plus sign where there is actually a minus?

Are they just glancing at the strip to get an idea of what it might be and then throwing it straight into the trash before they’re certain? It seems like it should be more important than that. I think a pregnancy test deserves at least a double take, about as equally as when you’re about to pull into a busy street where they put Wal-Marts and Western Sizzlin’ steakhouses and all those other shitty chain stores.

“Well, you know doctor, I looked at it, I used my eyes, I waited fifteen minutes. I even listened to the litmus paper to try and hear whether or not the urine was absorbing through it in any telling way, but I just couldn’t tell what the damn thing said. The instructions on the paper were Greek to me. I sat there for hours, just waiting for it to come to me, but I honestly could not grasp the difference between the plus sign and the minus. And that’s why I need this abortion.”

Not believable? I agree. Who in the Lord Fuck are they talking to for these statistics? Were they standing outside of the Helen Keller School For The Blind when they conducted the poll?

If a woman genuinely can’t use a piss-on-a-stick pregnancy test then maybe she shouldn’t bring a child into the world anyway. Or if she’s really that stupid, maybe she needs a set of bowel tests, too, to know whether whatever just passed through their midsection is a child or dinner from this weekend. “Should I wipe my ass or call an ambulance?” Simplicity. “Yep, it was just shit.” Or, “Just as I suspected: a baby!” she’ll say to her husband. “And you said I should get out of bed!”

And don’t you know most of these women are fat, too. I’m talking about the dumb ones who can’t operate the piss-on-a-stick pregnancy test unless it’s beeping, displaying words, making announcements and congratulating them out loud. If they won’t look for a plus sign, they aren’t looking at the Nutrition Facts on the box of Hamburger Helper either. That’s why they’re fat and that’s why they need bowel tests. Am I pregnant? Have I always been this…sick?

So we don’t know, they don’t know if the baby inside them is coming or going. Maybe they just ate it. They look down at themselves and they can’t tell if they’re pregnant. They can’t even tell what sex they are. Eventually these morbidly obese piles of skin forget their gender because it’s been so long since they saw something besides tits above their knees, so even some really fat men have been found taking these digital pregnancy tests, pissing and then listening. Their diets have reportedly become so unhealthy that when they stop bleeding from their asses, they believe they’re missing a period and start to freak out. But they’re a placid people, sighing once per month in relief because they’re never pregnant.

Switching gears now…

And I’ll tell ya what else. They’re relieved, but not the most relieved. The person of highest relief would have to be chronic masturbator Bill O’Reilly. Well, to be fair, this guy actually physically spanks it just once a day but the relief he garners from it and his sense of accomplishment is unrivaled by any primate. That’s because for all those people that he fires each week of each month of each year, who for whatever reason does not meet his standard of devoutness in their pledges to limit freedom of expression, another packet of sperm is oozed into his scrotum via wormhole from a better, perhaps more heavenly dimension, as part of Mother Nature’s attempt to balance out the lack of decency in his soul. Except this egotistical fuck is so thick with evil, like the bile/liver-combination Hitler was probably throwing up as he committed suicide, that there is a shock-absorbing desktop so technologically-advanced that Clearblue had to come in and install this thing into the steel frame of the building under his desk in New York to prevent the already-reinforced foundations of Fat Fucking Government-Asshole-Sucking Media Mogul Headquarters from buckling under the sudden pressure of the resulting seismic wave of his orgasm.

In an interview with his spawn point, Mrs. O’Reilly – who is not the devil and really exists – the still-glowing mother revealed a sudden burst of pride felt and the inherent certainty she took on, as though it were knowledge she’d carried since her own birth, when she looked down at the little minus sign and knew she was pregnant with who would later become the biggest jackass of all mankind, her son, the laughing-stock of the logical universe, whose show is sponsored by the alleged stupidity of the women watching his program.

Clearblue. So pregnant you can hear it!

Cogito ergo Cogito

A Christian once asked me what my fundamental source for ultimate truth was. The answer might be unsatisfying, but it should be there with a little explanation. In logic, truth is defined as that which can be proven not false in every case. This applies well enough in mathematics and computer programming, but how about for reality? The problem with truth is that every case can never be accounted for. Quantum physics specifically denies it.

Consider a particle in your body, and all the aspects of it. It has among other properties energy and location. Upon measuring this particle’s location, accuracy is lost in measuring its energy. This is the uncertainty principle, and it is an observable phenomenon that Einstein could not disprove. For some reason, this lack of truth is built into the very nature of the universe. I could measure the energy of that same particle, but if I wanted to know the location, I would again lose accuracy. If I wanted to know both the momentum and the location of a particle the best I’d be able to do is estimate. I would still be left with a version of the truth based on two separate measurements that have a mutually exclusive precision. So I’m left with a measurable amount of precision, but not the truth.

So, am I saying that truth doesn’t exist? This is aesthetically painful to the human mind, but it is the strongest possibility. Surely a particle has a location, and a certain momentum, but I won’t be able to figure that out because of an aspect of the universe that is not currently understood. So what is my foundation of ultimate truth, if I cannot know the truth of a solitary particle?

This is a universe of measurable precision. When the human mind decides to believe in truth, there’s an amount of error that cannot be escaped. Truth absolutely must exist, and it may be glimpsed by humanity, but it is impossible to see from all sides without distortion.

A land called the Soviet Union

I started with “jerk off into a cup” – a natural launching point.

Holy dicks, what fucking day is it? Is it time for another? Yes it is.

I spent the day dealing with some very friendly people about a very unfriendly bill that has been sent to collections by way of some unpaid tuition at my money-grubbing University. Those bastards think they’re going to get $2,000 out of me, well they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll give them at least $12,000 more by the time I’m done with them! Those bastards will be swimming so deep in my hard-earned cash they won’t know what hit ‘em. They’ll drown in US currency. They’ll have to buy up some more ghetto just to make room for the new cash I want to give them for a degree next year.

That’s where I’m at now – it’s time to buy my degree. I’ve worked at papers and written and photographed and traveled and interviewed and even kissed Jane Fonda’s ass, as every reporter does at some time, or must do on their deathbed, lest they enter the gates of Heaven unscathed by a tired old clash of grandfatherly ideals. So now I’m paying for it, because you see it’s not your experience the industry wants; it’s not your carisma, or your talent or your motivation or even your childish enthusiasm they’re after. No, they want to know that you, too, shelled out an amount of dough greater than or equal to the worth of their own degrees before they’ll even open a god damn portfolio. So be it. I’ll buy the fucking thing and I’ll do it the honest way: by taking money for my sperm downtown.

Sure, I can jerk off into a cup. Have I ever done it before? Not in a cup, no. In a receptacle, maybe, and into a cup indirectly, but never “squirt in the cup, put a lid on it, enjoy your James ma’am.” Five, ten, fifteen years down the road, there could be me: child to a lesbian couple, or perhaps a hardline feminist with filed-down teeth and big gums who wears heavy red flannel and treks out to middle-school-age little league games where she is a stranger. That’s what I want for myself, right now. That’s my goal.

Really, it’d be nice to get all doped up and go to the dentist. My teeth are holier than the bulletproof Pope-mobile. I’m more sensitive to them, too. You can’t see the Pope in his little squad-wagon anymore. They don’t show him. I wish they would. As a child I used to love witnessing the Pope-mobile. It was hilarious. That was before I knew how to jerk off, much less into a cup. And that brings me back to it. Would the pope jerk off into a cup (assuming he had the capacity to engage in a sexually taxing activity like physical masturbation) to save a dying woman’s legacy? How about his own?

I hear we are winning in Iraq so now we’re moving to Afghanistan. Hopefully we will see the same success over there and we can even replicate it in Iran. The UN Chief would like to see that. Sooner or later we’re going to have to go dick against balls with Russia and it’s going to be gritty and you will not see a fear more sinister, more urgent than that which will be pumped out of live television, radio and telegraph broadcasts in our lifetimes on that fateful day when Russian bombers imposing over our inland suburbs like chicken-hawks. The pilots have to use the bathroom, too. “Is that frozen piss-sleet hitting the roof, honey, or is that napalm? I’ll check it this time, you went out last time…”

More on this, as events unfold.

2084

America as we know it is going to be dead very soon. Nationalism is globally waning. History has consistently shown Nationalism is a fundamentally evil belief. The sooner there is a single world governing body, the sooner we will be able to focus on issues that we can agree about. I’m talking about full global accountability, a power that supersedes a nation when the future of humanity as a whole is at stake. A body that will enforce environmental laws is necessary for our posterity to enjoy life as we know it. Nuclear weapons must be done away with if we are to truly ensure that life as we know it can continue, and all accountable nations must one day disarm them all. Terrorists and those who imprison them must both be fully accountable to a global government. A global government must have authority over the nation. The UN is not able to enforce accountability upon the most powerful nations, and therefore it can not in any way ensure a peaceful future free from man-made disasters. I do not perceive the UN ever filling this role, but a strategic alliance similar to NATO or the EU may. The role of this super-government must be limited to what can be done to ensure the survival of mankind. Space settlement should be a stated long term goal, given the disaster-prone nature of earth. We can only hope time is on our side.

Economic forces are slow, steady, and absolutely inevitable. Energy prices increase as more people demand more energy even while oil production tops out. Conservatives look to the past with gleaming eyes, their values born in a world without computerized machinery. Do they not realize where our wealth comes from? It is not from hard work. Pulling up on bootstraps isn’t it either. Robotic machines are the centerpiece of our wealth. Material and energy cost plus labor equals overhead. Labor is being phased out in America’s industry slowly and surely. The wealth that results from this will be ripped entirely from the hands of the market, and relocated to government control. These were are jobs, and human labor made it all possible to begin with. It is collectively owned and created by all of us, yet the ownership falls to a most fortunate few whose circumstances in life were a bit more lucky than your average guy. Thus, the trend towards Socialism is utterly inevitable in a Democratic system. Populism combined with massively imbalanced wealth will result in Socialism, at a randomized rate. In the past, Socialism has waxed during periods of economic strife. And now, you should be prepared to see things that once were considered Unamerican. We’re really that wealthy now. Computers and robots will soon be able to do things that were never possible before. One day, our own creation will become beyond us in ways we may not be able to understand. If computers are not the savior of humanity, nothing will ever be. Consider this the second coming-the true Messiah.

A day in the life

It’s been a while since I’ve had anything valuable to contribute but let me start off with an excuse: my life is retarded. I mean that literally, not figuratively, not “my life is a retard, lol, it can’t wipe its own ass,” nor do I mean my brain is as fucked up as it should be. Let’s just say my career is a Ford Tempo, the transmission’s shot and I’m stuck in first.

So let’s get right down to it and be real straight here. I took a shitty job in what is ironically the most beautiful, unhappiest city in all of Virginia. That’s because Roanoke is a basin, meaning it is surrounded on most sides by mountains. But since it isn’t completely surrounded by mountains, it owns peculiar weather phenomena collectively known as ‘thermal updraft’. Thermal updraft means that the most beautiful county in Virginia collects a negligible amount of rain in the summertime and snow in the winter. It is very basic and sees few extremes, not counting the population which politically, is extremely conservative. And that’s hilarious.

Like acid, I recommend the Nickels and Dimes lifestyle to anyone who hasn’t tried it at least once – especially yuppie, Starbucks-drinking assholes who call themselves young professionals and attend three-dollar plays at the local college theatre. That’s because this time spent living out my worst nightmare has given me time to assess what my life is really all about, as well as what my life is, what it is not, and what it has yet to become; I’ve also had a lot of time to sit back and figure out what I like about our world and what I truly despise.

Being a man, I have dreams. I am driven by them to do better things with my life than just feel good all the time and kick back to enjoy Futurama on my home-theater system with Dolby Surround Sound two-point-one and widescreen progressive scan. This is because my dreams don’t include these luxuries – at least not yet, anyway. So naturally I have nothing in my life, no things of great value (short of my delicious camera), no fast car, no hi-fidelity stereo, no big-screen TV, no PDAs, cell phone, or $300 sunglasses with matching buttplug. I have only one thing: the desire for a lifestyle that supports my anti-materialistic, anti-establishment, anti-grocery store, anti-dealership, anti-salesman, anti-control, anti-monetary, anti-social, pro-freedom (anti-reality), pro-critical attitude and thought process toward humanity and the forces that corrupt its potential goodness.

The following list of things are key contributors to the poisoning of our existence as men know it today:

1) women
2) greed & envy
3) 1+2

Women are the source of all jealousy, greed, hate, envy, desire and insecurity needed for one rock-virus such as ourselves to sustain its doubling reproduction every forty years. We always have to prove ourselves worthy of someone, something, or some status daily in order to “earn” our “right” to the fruits of the tree of life. Without a woman, there would be no need for expensive watches, nice suits or beautiful cars (not muscle cars, and not sports cars, because those are very manly things; but “luxury” SUVs, sedans and mini-vans are all shit we buy because women like it).

Women are the reason men die early. Subsequently, women are the reason men don’t mind dying early in spite of the horribly twisted fact that our counterparts live decades beyond their years of usefulness. This should confuse and infuriate us men, but it does not. This is because we get everything we want out of life by the time we’re thirty, and we still get to enjoy it for another twenty years past that, given that all of our drinking, cigar-smoking and partying don’t kill us before we reach fifty (fifty years is the target age for any real man; any later than that and you’re starting to get greedy but any earlier and you might feel cheated since you haven’t yet gotten to live long enough to see your wife hit menopause). Women, on the other hand, are never happy with their lives unless they have a man around to validate them by feeding them all the shit that women want to hear: how pretty and skinny they are and always will be, how intelligent they are, and most importantly, how much they are needed in spite of their inability to do anything for themselves. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true, because almost everything a woman says is a lie and they live under the illusion that we believe what they say and so they want to believe what they hear. Women hang on every word a man has to say about them because they know we are smart, strong-willed and driven, so our words are the only words they can believe in since women are too insecure and doubtful of themselves to maintain their own opinions and any real self-confidence or direction.

Watching young women try to conceive something besides a child is like watching a one-armed man jerk off while driving down the road. Something is always going to be left unattended and eventually there will either be a crash or the payoff will fall flat and never come.

Now how do greed and jealousy tie into all of this? Women gauge how much you “love” them by how jealous you are of the other men that they talk to. Not only is this absurdly reckless, it is irresponsible and dangerous to all parties involved. Women make men greedy because they believe the only way for us to show that we love them is to want them all to ourselves. This implies that men are as lazy as women and that we do not enjoy working to satisfy them in meaningful, lasting ways and that’s just not true. Women believe that if they say something, then it is true and thus will be written into the pages of history that you stifle and control them by giving them stability, peace of mind, comfort, warmth, power and self-esteem.

If a woman wants me to be jealous of a guy she talks to because they share a similar interest in books and t-shirts and painting and other feminine activities, I do just the opposite. I withdraw my support for her and suddenly the pseudo-intellectual tough-guy she was talking to doesn’t make her feel so special anymore. Suddenly she realizes she is an ugly and unlikeable person. This is because the puppy-eyes and failed attempts at romance from a spineless middle-aged man who might otherwise be a woman if it weren’t for that improperly-issued penis pinched between his legs doesn’t stand up to the lasting potency of a real man’s affection. This is because women like men who are in control of their lives and don’t answer to retail supervisors. Real men answer to their calling in life, the loudest voice of them all that tells them to ignore everything but the itching desire to shit out masterpieces like the one you are reading now. Real men who are motivated only by what they want get everything they want, and nothing they don’t.

Women take whatever shit life shovels out to them and that is why they cheat, lie and slobber on whatever crosses their path. It’s just whatever happened to be there. What a woman wants changes like the weather. The reason you can’t get too comfortable with the rain here in Roanoke is the same reason you can’t trust a woman. There are more reasons for them to go than to stay. Roanoke has thermal updrafts and it pushes the clouds out; women have moody upswings and when there isn’t a substantial man around to appreciate it, anything will do. Like water, a woman’s desire follows the path of least resistance. Because they have no soul that a man didn’t substantiate, they will always need a certain man for a certain job. I don’t make excuses for anyone’s incompetence but there’s always someone who will.

This woman is smiling because she has no accountability.

A man makes his own path and doesn’t listen to where people tell him to go or their directions on how to get there because he knows how to read a map – especially since he wrote the fucking map. My map takes me around greed and envy, past incompetence, through the layers of false personality, and over the walls put up by women, the government, colleagues, higher-ups, the company you work for, and into the ultimate success the soul that I built hungers for night and day, woman or no woman, school or no school, work or no work, house or no house, website or no website. This is the way I am and the way you are, and the way we are meant to be.

Relax, and enjoy what life doesn’t offer but you have anyway because you took it, like a man.

Opinion: Just Because I Live At This Apartment Complex Doesn’t Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me

Yeah, okay so I haven’t done this whole ear wax blog stuff yet because I don’t have to. But recently this Lebal Drocer company asked me to write something or they’d stop the nitrocious flow of cash that I’ve been getting for over 5 months now (its sweet, believe me loomwads). So I decided to write up a little opinion column for this little waxing elf enthusiast website (seriously what the hell kinda brokeback name is that anyway?)

So recently in the World of Nitro, I’ve began to notice a little trend that I’m not too keen about. It seems like ever since I moved from New Jersey (It’s Jerstrocious!) to this pitiful state, everyone just stares me down like a leper every time I step foot outside. What gives?!? Sometimes I’ll be simply grabbing a 48-pack of brews from the Nitromobile. Other times I’ll be just checking my mailbox, filtering out all the billz and wal-mart junk(the PITS!) and minding my own nitro business(as always). But no matter what, if the Nitrocity himself is outside, you better believe some complete noobody(noob+nobody, quote me!) will be staring me down like I was a TV set.

Now, you gotta realize the scale of noobwads that I get glares from. Its damn near everyone, dudes. The fat, single Tony Soprano-looking dude walking his yappy dog, the guys that believe they are in some kinda rap video at all hours, the fat ugly girls who just sit outside for no reason other than to be annoying, even the wastes of existence that live directly around me (“neighbors” as you call them). I realize you guys are just trying to live (very boringly), but c’mon, you don’t need to bring me down to your level. I got better fish to cook! I realize my hair is longer than yours, my wardrobe cooler than your nicest outfit, my lifestyle more nitrocious than your best night, but there’s no need to stare. Staring won’t get you any closer to being nitrocious. So next time, you happen to be outside, begging for attention with your disposable garbage music (play some Springsteen at least!), walking your dog in hopes of picking up college chicks, or drinking Budweiser Lights at the microscopic pool(seriously I’ve pissed bigger puddles), just ignore my presence because your not getting a free performance or a beer bong to the face out of it.

I’m starting to ramble so i’ll make my point simple: Just because we share the same apartment complex does not give you ANY right to look anywhere near my direction. There’s a million things to look at outside: the shitty cars, the shitty pool, the shitty other people who live here. Why must you choose me to point your vision-producing spheres at? Just because I am a renowned karaoke singer and all-around badass does not mean I’m your toy monkey banging cymbals. I perform for a minimum of 7 figures and unwarrantedly looking my direction just makes that figure rise as well as my inner-rage to shatter your face.

You don’t want to end up like this dude.


Whatever noobs, I’m gonna go get nitrocious. Jim Beam to da face!

Oh yeah, and coming soon, losers…
Just Because I Go To This University Does Not Mean You Have The Right To Look At Me.
Just Because I’m At This Drive-Thru Does Not Give You The Right to Take My Order.

IGNORANCE FOR PRESIDENT

Two political candidates are fighting to be The One who gets your vote this November (that’s only a figure of speech, your votes aren’t actually counted).Of them, both are liars, and the third?What’s his name, Loser McCain (L), he wants war so nobody’s voting for him.If you don’t understand that, then look around you.We’re more at war with ourselves thanIraq.Iraq?TheIraq War?What a sham.

The whole point of it is to keepAmericain the throes of its State-Issued Nervous Breakdown of 2008, not too dissimilar from its counteraction to the Summer of Love forty years prior, except this time instead of Love there was Fear and nobody in particular is at the wheel of this negative driving force.

Of course, that means for you there is something like one hundred thousand reasons to hide from your own government because technology is being used against us as a means for control.The Feds don’t show up at your house for nothing, no they appear because they’ve been watching your activity.They know what you download and know more about what you upload, so watch yourself.Images, words, video, information, a war on knowledge itself is being waged against not only Americans but humanity and what is forbidden is a regional delicacy, much like snails in France and cats in China.It all tastes bitter, though.

Sometimes all I really want from you fuckers is the ability to piece together a reasoning thought, but you can’t really do that, can you?No, that’s why you voted for Bush the second time around—because you’re an unthinking peon of the servant masses who is so easily swayed by the messages mass media is shoving down your throats that maybe you think it tastes good to act in favor of what the “adults” are doing.Well, I’ve got news for you kids, bad fucking news (but what does that mean? Good news is news too, right? Yeah, get a grip you tool) and it’s about some shit you aren’t willing to understand; think about this election right now.Really think about what the candidates mean to you.What’s the difference in John McCain and Barack Obama, and why aren’t people making more jokes about these losers?Is it because the political machine has managed to elude even the highest form of humor?Is this the Bible Incarnate?Far from it, but it may still yet be a signal of the apocalypse, if you consider the implications of any of these political jokers and compare it to your own basis for reason, which may or may not hinge on the conditional truth of a Sunday Hour Fairy Tale, brought to you by the Southern Baptists and Pedophile Catholics.This just in, you’re a whore.

So what do they mean to us, Galloway?Enlighten your readers.Well, that choice is yours.Wal-Mart or K-Mart?Sheetz or the WaWa?Constriction, or the Illusion of Freedom?Forget the Republican.People are sick of the GOP.If he gets elected, well we can go ahead and prepare for the freezing over of the Old Testament realization of Hell and settle in for a long Nuclear Winter.Buy canned spinach.So now you have a choice between someone who’s going to baldly lie to your face because you expect a little “politicking” from your elected leader (that’s how you know they’re doing their damn jobs), or someone who is going to lead you down a dead-end path of contrived forced progressivism.The choice is yours.Most of you have already voted.My sources are telling me you voted as I knew you would, and for your own sake probably should, so at this point I can only offer my apologies on behalf of the system that has failed us all again.If I had anything to do with it, you can bet your ass I’d write a very loud-mouthed bill that would not even be considered for a legitimate proposal and subsequent vote before the House or Congress – but we all know that as an institution they too have failed us and the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches are so out of whack that the poison is visibly oozing from them – internet porn rings, pedophilia, whorehouses, gay bathhouses – all part of the Washington Routine that you read about every week in the Post.But fuck pretending to be the president for your own crippled speculation. Oh, what the Hell, if I were president, I’d deactivate the nationally accredited police force and let the cannibals, thieves, dope fiends, degenerates, plane hijackers, murderers, rapists, junkies, and local state representatives pick your fucking bones clean because I despise you as a people, as a nation, as a fifty-year-old man sucking on his mother’s tits, because you’re a failure of an overweight Nation and you’re even a failure as a complacent people, and you’re a failure as a society, and you need to be brought down off that fucking high horse you’ve been trouncing around on since you discovered higher levels of consciousness behind the peel-off-and-win Burger King cup.

Getting back to my point:I loathe your existence.Your presence is poison.But here you’ll always be, populating this Fair Country, nodding in agreement to Dr. Phil and Judge Joe Brown, wishing more people were like Oprah, and guffawing at the atrocities CNN occasionally shows taking place in countries like Sudan and North Korea only to forget about it when your chunky butterball wife pulls another burned pot roast out of the oven in hopes that it makes your dick just hard enough to slide into her arid, sticky vagina long enough to deposit your Pepsi-ridden seed before falling flaccid at the sudden awareness of what you truly are in that orgasmic moment of painful, anus-itching realization that life, and indeed control over your life snuck away when you weren’t looking.

But either candidate can and indefinitely will ensure continuance of the aforementioned lifestyle.So go on.Fear and Ignorance is on the ticket. Vote for it.

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown,USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions.Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember.But how does one learn without asking questions?What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool.Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you.That should be proof enough for you, right?You read it in a history book, so you think you know without a doubt, without question, the way “shit went down” – that too is good enough for most free people, considering our history books are based on the collective journalistic consensus, kept fair and balanced by the embedded journalists of World Wars I & II, Viet Nam, Korea, but wait—what happened in Grenada?No, seriously…?The press were not allowed over there but isn’t that historical enough in itself?To anyone interested in freedom, it would seem like the massive cover-up of a ground invasion by U.S. forces is a very important thing to learn, perhaps even at a very early age, but you won’t find that little piece of information in any history book in America. “And we’ll never know why the government didn’t allow us to see what they did there, children, but hey—we weren’t supposed to know anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that…so…enjoy lunch and continue to limit yourselves by hanging around your waterhead friends and be sure to watch MTV when you get home.I just read on the internet that Justin Timberlake’s ‘new’ song is topping today’s requests on TRL.”The grim reality of Grenada looks like this:hundreds of boatloads of journalists, reporters, all variety of the press were turned away; those who refused to leave based on some poorly upheld ethical concept of “the public’s right to know” were arrested and detained, to later be sent back to the continental US after spending a couple of days in a Green Zone holding cell with complimentary slits in the chamber wall so the fine men and women of the New York Times and Washington Post could enjoy that fresh Grenada air.

No reporter actually made it to the island so we don’t know what happened there.Ronald Reagan’s official comments went something like, “We liberated a lot of people.”In fact, we can only assume that the government even calls what happened inGrenadaa success because no one knows about it.In the end what we have is a really big win for not just Operation Urgent Fury (presumably) but for our intelligence offices which had not yet even begun to encounter the modern-day problems of large-scale faulty information.The times get simpler the farther back one looks and the real meaning of that lies in the perspective we have on our own government; if the history books are based primarily on the work of journalists, why did we only learn the good things our government did?Sure, they allowed an abomination or two to sprinkle in, but only to keep one superficial step away from the overbearing clampdown status of Communist China.Any alibi, for perverse reasons, is aided significantly by the defense, “We might be crooks, but we aren’t killers.”We’d never do anything to harm anybody.We just wanted their land/ power/ oil/ religion to die/ cooperation/ subservience.We spread democracy.The negative media attention aroundLincolnhad grown a dull roar during his critical moments in office, but that depends on what you were reading at the time.Was it a pamphleteer’s handout or an established newspaper, and what was the difference?The winners write history and up until recently,Americahas won, or at least purported to have won everything it’s ever had a hand in, despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary.Scratch that –Americawill win even when it loses.

So what does that mean for you, dear readers?It must be broken down by issues of class since the line that separates objective truth from subjective experience has now been aptly scorched.Memorize the data, and keep your little contrary mouths shut.It’s for the best.Admire us, and stay in your place.Let mediocrity and state servitude be your good example, because rebellion, sincerity, equality and intuition are no longer American values.That all belonged to the hippie-peace-free-love squalor we extinguished in the Sixties – a charade that did little more than justify the inaction of losers and junkies and embolden the State by instilling Fear into the hearts of the masses.But it felt so real didn’t it?How should we know?Were we there?That generation is dying, not entirely from old age (although that’s a factor too) but from a deficiency of some sort.What’s lacking today is fiber and gall, and purpose.But nevermind, it’s time to straighten up and fly right.You’re forced by an invisible hand now to teach what you’re taught and use your filtered knowledge of reality the way one might use a hammer without a handle.Just sort of take what you have and make the best of it, which is always going to be less than satisfactory and far less than what they’re willing to give you to boot, but you’ll be held responsible for bearing that burden yourself, or else turn your back on the system and wait to be eaten by the wolves.Hey, I know it sucks but what else can you do without detonating a small bomb?This is why the masses are satisfied watching “expert” analysis of the news rather than the ‘actual’ news.“Why, this is the news.What’s your fucking problem?It’s on at 11 o’clock, what else does your sniveling ass need in order to qualify it as the news?”What they mean to say is “Hey it’s not rocking the boat, and I’m comfortable with my role as a human resource and I really don’t want anything more than that and I especially don’t want someone telling me that’s a problem.”Okay, we’re smart people, on the average, or at least our readers are, so who are we to complain about a minor filter on the news?Just because some talking head puts a negative spin on a Republican pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Filipino boys doesn’t entail negligence of facts and that sure doesn’t make it wrong.We compare all stories to the Ultimate Truth.That is because this filtration which can be seen with our own eyes is apparently easy to work around and we’re comfortable doing that, and while the notion of having an opinion dictated for you in light of the facts is a kick in groin, it pales in comparison to what constitutes filtration at the source—and that’s where it starts to get fucked.

Many news agencies believe altering photographs and video to make it “appropriate” for audiences is an acceptable, ethical practice. Should we censor photographs in the newspapers?This is a question people are really asking.But what we should ask ourselves is, how is this even a question of ethics, or more importantly, why is this a question of ethics?“Because people don’t need to see graphic scenes of war, you hedonistic filth-monger, wanting to flood the media with scenes of flood victims and piles of bodies.”Perhaps it is deranged or somehow depraved to want people to see the real story with their own eyes without first witnessing the softening effects of Photoshop.Don’t hurt yourself on that photograph.It might be depraved to expect people to want to know the truth, or much worse—want to think for themselves.That might however be counterintuitive to the operation of a good clean country like George Bush wants.It would also fail to satisfy the transparent desires of either Democratic frontrunner in this façade of an election falling at the end of the sour year of 2008.One thing that’s certain, and we can all agree:this year has so far been better than 2007, perhaps even stocked with less per capita bullshit, but still – it’s difficult to ignore the sensation that we’ve missed something spectacular – like it happened right before our eyes and still somehow we missed it.That sensation is the by-product of an illusory trick played on us by the media giants who selected a candidate to win earlier this year.

What we can expect to see and hear around us in 2009, then, is a whole myriad of half-wit ‘free-thinkers’ engaging in political discussion based on a trifling of facts leaked by their mainstream news outlets.Quite the informed discussion, no doubt, taking place in every Starbucks across America—chock full of blame and lacking in substance, but what’s important is that finally the political left can relax after they get a president who they feel represents them and maybe the fear of this whole failing country will subside temporarily.But what does that mean?Very little to us, and soon enough it will mean less to you, dear readers.Living a filtered reality seems like a nice safe and blissfully ignorant sort of existence but the painful truth of the matter is that most people are happy with it.But not us, here at the Elf Wax Times.We want to see an antenna poking out of someone’s head, and abrasions on the film, and some asshole mucking up what would otherwise be a good shot – that’s reality, and truth, and needs to be left the fuck alone.And while three vague images of war being spliced together to make one very gruesome scene is captivating, it’s a god damn lie.Ordinarily, we here at the Times might embrace such a thing, but the fact that it is played off as anything more than basic entertainment is a slap in the face to our common values of decency and honesty, of our gullibility when it comes to taking the word of the press.To be told a lie is the truth.How far of a cry, then, is it to say that everything we know about existence could be one hundred percent false?How many times does the news, or a class, or a preacher, or a hobo inspire you to ask yourself that question?Here’s a tip:we exist only as a figment of our collective imagination in regards to what we believe ourselves to be a part of.Now alter a photograph of that.The expansion of the mind counters any argument that the human race is solid or long-lasting. What we believe people are and are not has less than nothing to do with what the Universe mapped out in its violent, birthing flicker at the release of all known energetic potential almost 14 billion years ago.

April Fool’s.

EARTH SAVED, ARTSIFIED BY NOTORIOUS PESSIMIST

EARTH, MW–In what appeared to be simple verbal observations of nature and it’s beauty, a notorious pessimist has seemingly mended the fracture of space-time continuum, sparing humanity’s precious existence. Not much is known at this time, but experts say by just sputtering a few thoughtful words on the fruitfulness of the mountain lands, this notorious pessimist, who remains unnamed, may have singlehandedly saved billions of lives from a mad world gone wax’d.

Tragically, as a result of the spoken examinations, the world has now become overly pretentious and artsified, leaving every solitary statement to appear groundbreaking. Scientists say it appears as if our planet is now one giant, spherical, art school. They have also dreadfully mentioned that this “artsy fartsy” Earth may be worse and more harmful than it was earlier today, before the pessimist spilled his heart out about nature.

AREA PESSIMIST SPEAKS OUT AGAINST MAIN MAN, CANDY LAND

More on this story as it develops.