Personal Chainsawfest review/opinions

Yes in my opinion Personal Chainsawfest is the a mix of the new and old styles of music. I remember when I first heard it, I was sitting at my computer eating Fritos Brand Corn Chips refreshing Elfwax Times over and over to get the latest news. The next thing i know im having ear orgasms……. multiple ear orgasms! Personal Chainsawfest is the ballad i have been waiting for ever since purple rain hit stores. In my opinion it should be played during all elevator rides that go above 50 floors and or during passionate moments between a loved one.

Elbira Massey

Elfwax Times Ocillating Fan Club

All Women Born into Adulthood

Kay S. Hymowitz may have you believe that there is a new generation of “Child Men” out there to make women’s job of trapping men into their idea of a happy and “adult” life very hard. Here’s what she has to say in a nutshell. And a link to her article, which I did actually read. Her ideas of women sound like snippets out of an idealized version of “Sex and the City.” And every guy out there is just like “Fry” from Futurama, just so you get the gist of things.

With women, you could argue that adulthood is in fact emergent. Single women in their twenties and early thirties are joining an international New Girl Order, hyperachieving in both school and an increasingly female-friendly workplace, while packing leisure hours with shopping, traveling, and dining with friends [see “The New Girl Order,” Autumn 2007]. Single Young Males, or SYMs, by contrast, often seem to hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up, playing Halo 3, and, in many cases, underachieving. With them, adulthood looks as though it’s receding.

She then lays into every single comedic act from Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart, the creators of South Park, Adam Sandler, Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Steve Carell, and Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpsons and Futurama. She moans about Sci-Fi, and sports that “simulate war” like football, and all martial arts. She also attacks video games. With all the talk of child-men she never even mentions Andy Milonakis or Peewee Herman. Granted she does bring up more misogynistic entertainment icons like Tucker Max and George Ouzounian (Maddox) of “The Greatest Website in the Universe,” but come on. What kind of dipshit still reads that shit after they turn 17?
The fact is they are no part of “the media.” They’re just guys like me who can figure out how to post things on the internet. Everyone has that power, Kay, I think you know. If it wasn’t for the internet, maybe people with rotten-to-the-core ideas like Maddox would not corrupt our boys into permanent childhood (happiness). The difference though, is that Maddox is joking, and you are dead serious. Kay’s point is now obvious.

Not only is no one asking that today’s twenty- or thirtysomething become a responsible husband and father—that is, grow up—but a freewheeling marketplace gives him everything that he needs to settle down in pig’s heaven indefinitely.

This is what I have to say in response Ms. Hymowitz:

FUCK THAT! GROWING UP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BECOMING A HUSBAND OR A FATHER. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE WRONG MESSAGE.

Do not blame the free market for the fact that women want to find a husband and men just don’t give a fuck. I am not a pig for being who I am, but you are a TRUE BITCH for suggesting that marriage to a woman is the only way a man can ever grow up. That is totally false and offensive to both men AND women of any intelligence. All I have to say is I hope your type fades away. Stop watching TV so much if you’re so fucking smart. It gives you the wrong idea about the real world.

 

FAN MAIL!

Greetings viewers! Welcome to the program! Long time, no blog, eh? (writer’s block, i mean, strike)

This week we had a very special fan submit to us a very special feedback comment on our newgrounds page*.

*For those who haven’t seen, please. Enjoy for yourselfs. HERE or THERE. AUDIO GALORE!

Anywho, our good #1 fan/friend/stalker(MIRITE?), FLASHMX, sent us these (very) kind words!:

“What are you talking about? Did you listen to the same song I did? It was bad, it was loud, it was chaos, it was BAD. The votes say it all, I don’t care if people found it useless, its one out of some hundred that people did so, its a bad song, thats it. Chill”

To which ELF WAX replied:

Flash-MX wrote: What are you talking about?

EW: The dreadful uselessness of your reviews.

Flash-MX: Did you listen to the same song I did?

EW: Not only, Elf Wax birthed the auditory brilliance which you deny.

Flash-MX: It was bad, it was loud, it was chaos, it was BAD.

EW: Welcome to Elf Wax, nube. (bad and BAD are still the same word no matter the capitalization.)

Flash-MX: The votes say it all, I don’t care if people found it useless,

EW: Elf Wax doesn’t care that you don’t care.

Flash-MX: its one out of some hundred that people did so,

EW: Thx 4 thee math.

Flash-MX: its a bad song, thats it. Chill

EW: You’re a bad song. That, is it? Cool. THANKS FOR BEING A FAN! XOXOXO!

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer Inc. 2008.

What a swell gal! Here’s what else it had to say!

“Elf Wax is just some Manson rip-off who thinks making music that makes no sense is art, its crap.”

Put THAT in the Rolling Stones newspaper! Ya can’t make that up, folkskis! We actually love mansions! Lebal Drocer has provided us with 5… each! Ha! Who laughs last, laughs in the end! quote me.
That’s it for nowz! GREATBYE!

In Lebal Drocer Inc. we trust.

Bigfoot the Martian

New analysis of Mars rover imagery by the college-educated geniuses at NASA has revealed stunning new proof of life on Mars. The mysterious nature of the creature, as it looks back at the rover with its strange gait and human-like curiosity makes it 100% sure to Nasanauts that it is indeed Bigfoot. Could he be investigating the monuments of Cydonia? This much is true: Bigfoot must be much more clever than we are. The Bigfoot have made it to Mars, and probably have gotten as far as Jupiter, which begs the question: Jupitorians are definitely Bigfoot. Somehow they have overcome all physical limitations through some sort of “Mind Over Matter.” Next time you see Bigfoot disappear behind some trees, do not follow him, or you may end up walking out from a cave on Mars, and hell, if you don’t die instantly from the life-forbidding conditions, Bigfoot may kill you. That would make you the 3rd person to ever have been eaten by Bigfoot. Thank you for visiting Elf Wax, your Marinoia Depot.

Bigfoot, imaginary or Communist?

Bigfoot, according to believers, would be the largest Ape known to man. How then could they elude detection for so long? How do these creatures survive without leaving a mark on the environment? The perfect answer to the Bigfoot question is beneath our noses, and has been all along. Bigfoot is a communist. Somewhere, probably in a cave, a commune of Bigfoots are leading a simple life, helping each other out, and not leaving a trace. There is just no other way that a population of enormous apes could survive in today’s world without succumbing to the evils of communism. I suggest that Bigfoot populations may actually be devolved hippie populations, which have grown hairier and smellier, and may in fact be the sole provider of drugs to America. After winning the war on drugs, how am I so blazed right now? It’s as simple as this: Bigfoot is a Communist.

Dick Means Business

Silly Mahmoud should know we are the only country allowed to have nukes.

Cavemen. Neo-Con Propaganda?

How does a 30 minute commercial sound? Awesome, right? Featuring Nintendo Wii and Car insurance-slinging cavemen! Well, they don’t talk about car insurance, but they ARE weird, invasive, creepy, and always say really inappropriate things. LOL!

The cavemen actually buffoon “liberal” ways of life. We have 3 cavemen: one is a creep, one’s a metrosexual stoner mooch, and the other is a perfectly good guy, but oops, he dates a different Genus. “Keep your Penis in your Genus” LOL!!

Well, what else did you expect from a TV COMMERCIAL SITCOM? Yes it has the “we’re socially awkward” humor that you love from the commercials. But it boils down to a mockery of people that exist in real life, and at times borders on a modern-day Blackface routine.

It’s a miserable failure at dry humor and all the characters are easy to hate.

Plus, this creep is a caveman:

The Tyler Bass Interview With “The Most Hated Woman In America,” Shirley Phelps-Roper

Shirley Phelps-Roper: Well, the lord Jesus Christ told us what it was going to look like when the last days came, when it was time for his return, through the clouds, in a flame of fire, with the shouts and the voice of the Archangel, and the trump of God to execute judgment on this generation. He told us what that would look like. You can find that at Luke 17. The overarching answer is that no man knows the day nor the hour, but he said you’re going to know it in years, it’s easier to discern the signs of the times than it is to discern the weather, and you know how easy that is.

Tyler Stephen Bass: Yeah, that’s not too easy. But it’s easier than the weather, so it’s there.

SP: Exactly, and weather isn’t really all that hard. You got a pretty good idea of what’s going on, and it says you look at the sky, and that was in the days of Christ that they know. So everybody throughout the ages has a pretty good idea of when a storm is coming.

TSB: Pastor Phelps commented in a video produced within the year that the mockery done by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert was a sign that the world was about to end.

SP: Exactly. That’s a harbinger! That’s a harbinger of this time because they have made such . . . When you say that the lord is coming, or that he’s going to execute judgment, or more specifically, on the ground that this nation America is doomed, you’re just joking and making a joke.

TSB: Do you subscribe to LeHaye’s Left Behind theories? Not the dramatization of it, but do you think that the disappearance of Christians followed by 3-7 years of hell on Earth, as it were, is what the Bible communicates? And do you think that that’s true?

SP: Well, of course, you have absolutely nothing in the scripture that says that. Nothing. It’s all just a . . . I don’t know where he gets that idea. What you have in the scripture is that, as it was in the days of Lot, as it was in the days of Noah, that is when god was prepared to destroy in the [world before the flood] and to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Those conditions will exist when the some of man returns. All of this stuff where you’re going to have Christians [disappear], no. It means that there’s not anyone hardly left on this Earth who will serve god. Hardly anyone. You know, there were eight souls that went onto that ark, and by some accounts there could have been as many as 16 billion souls total on the Earth. So you know that that’s one of the conditions. Another one of the conditions are that those people who would serve god are going to be evilly treated. They are going to be treated awful. They are going to be marginalized and demonized and vilified. Who does that to Mr. LeHaye?

TSB: Do you think it will come through a nuclear apocalypse, or do you think it will come from literal fire from the sky, from the burning of seas, all of these images we see? Will it be something overtly supernatural or something that is-?

SP: No. No. No, no, no. Look, you look to Jude. You know Jude? Second to last book of the Bible?

TSB: Yeah, uh, I’ve heard of it. I haven’t read it all the way through.

SP: And Peter II: 3. The last book of the bible was written by Jude, who was one of the two brothers of the lord Jesus Christ, who wrote a book of the bible. And the other one of his brothers was James, who wrote the book of James. And he says this: Even as Sodom and Gomorrah and cities about them are set forth for an example, giving themselves over to fornication and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire. Peter II says this: And knowing all of these things will melt in a fervent heat, what manner of persons need to be in all holy conversation, raise your matter of life and godliness. So you know that the destruction is going to come in a fervent heat and in the Revelation, it describes what is going to happen to this nation, the destruction of this nation is going to be abrupt, a woman in travail, who abruptly finds herself in hard labor. It’s going to be gruesome, destructive, and the whole world is going to be watching in horror. So those words should help you out with those concepts. But the bottom line here is simply this: Read those words. Pay attention to those examples. You know, this nation has a great big, If you forget the lessons of history then you are . . .

Together: . . . doomed to repeat them.

TSB: Right.

SP: Do you know what I am talking about, when I’m talking about the holocaust. If we forget it, we’ll repeat it?

TSB: Yeah.

SP: We have forgotten the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in this nation.

TSB: Do you believe—

SP: Every person in Doomed America should have a PhD in ancient Sodom and her destruction, and in the [world before the flood] and her destruction. But they don’t so much as mention Sodom.

TSB: How was Sodom destroyed?

SP: FIRE AND BRIMSTONE RAINED FROM GOD OUT OF HEAVEN! Now, you can go on the Internet and you can find those archaeologists that found that location where that happened, and it is so awesome because that stuff that fell from God out of heaven, it annihilated everything! The heat was so hot, it is a perfect example of – they found it, and it wasn’t terribly long ago and they have a video clip where they show that . . . They got some of those leftover pellets that were not completely consumed, and put one on a spoon and lit it up, and the heat was so hot that it melted the spoon!

TSB: Gravy.

SP: It had a sulfur substance, and there’s a lot more words that I cannot remember right now. It was so awesome, and it helps you to understand that god is not limited. We think we know so doggone much, but our minds and our knowledge are so finite, but god says, my way, as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways above your ways. So when you start thinking about what god is going to do to destroy this Earth and how that’s going to look, forget that! Think this! Obey his commandments! Here is the conclusion. Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter! Fear god, and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man, for god will bring every work into judgment and all your secret things, whether they be good or whether they be evil, so your thoughts ought to be to “What manner of person am I going to be?” in all holy conversation and godliness knowing that shortly, knowing that shortly, no matter what, no matter if you live after 70 years or 80 or 90 or 100! Then, you ought to draw a line around the galaxy, and put a tiny tic mark on it, and the tic mark will be too large to represent your life on this Earth as compared to eternity because it goes on forever and ever. What’s going to happen to you when you quit this life?

TSB: Are you asking me?

SP: No. I’m just telling you.

TSB: Oh.

SP: These are the things that you ought to be thinking on. All of this talk about when the lord’s coming, well, the evidence is in, and right now what the evidence looks like is that it’s going to be shortly.

TSB: Do you believe that there’s been a rise in homosexual behavior in America?

SP: [laughter] You’re kidding me, right?

TSB: No! I’m not!

SP: I don’t think there’s been a rise in the behavior. What there’s a rise in is this nation rising up with one voice like one man to say, “It’s OK to be gay.” That’s what there’s a rise in.

TSB: Right.

SP: There’s a rise in enablers, those who take pleasure in those filthy perverts instead of doing their duty to them, and saying plainly to them, god hates fags, and if you lead that manner of life, you are going to die and split hell wide open! And so if you value your never-dying soul, don’t do that! And then, stay away from them! Don’t engage in their conduct! Don’t encourage them, because you will be a partaker of their sin!

TSB: Do you believe that homosexuals are actively or inactively a factor in god’s wrath in the end of days?

SP: Oh my gosh! You are kidding me, right? If you have not read Judges 19, 20, and 21 where it describes how . . .

TSB: Assume I haven’t.

SP: And it’s almost identical to Genesis 19 where Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, the description of those filthy perverts, the language is almost identical several hundred years later. Fags doom nations. They wiped out Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them, and they almost completely annihilated the tribe of Benjamin! In fact, they never recovered. In fact, they are not even counted as a tribe hardly. When they speak of the two southern tribes, it is Judah. They don’t even mention Benjamin!

TSB: My understanding from reading the gospels is that the followers of Jesus believed that the apocalypse, the end of days would come very soon, within their own lifetimes. Is that – ?

SP: No, that’s not right.

TSB: Yeah, I didn’t think you’d agree with that.

SP: Those guys knew just like we know. Paul, knowing that he was about to die, the last book he wrote, the last chapter of the last book, he says plainly the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, that “doomed America” or not. Their own lust they heap to themselves. Teachers, having itching ears. That is, they are listening what do the people want who have turned away from the truth, and for that, they have been turned unto fables. God, he says in the old testament several times that he will choose their delusions. That’s what Paul is talking about. You’ve been turned unto fables. You’re deluded! God have given you delusions so that you would believe a lie.

TSB: When did you come to the conclusion that god hates fags, homosexuals? When did this come to you?

SP: Whenever I was reading . . . I think the time when I actually thought on it, because, you know, when I was a child there wasn’t any discussion about homosexuals. When I was in law school, a girl who was in law school with me was telling me about some friends she had back home in Missouri and blah, blah, this and that, and they’re gay, she was telling me.

TSB: Right.

SP: And so she says, “What does the bible say about that?” Well, I knew that I had read Romans I, and I remembered when I read it I thought, “Hey, that sounds like when I heard about what they did to homosexuals, that’s what this is.” And knowing that, I got that out and we read it, and you know, there dawned another conclusion! If they were leaving their woman to change their actual use to that which is against nature and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, men with men burned in their lust one toward another, working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which is fitting. I mean, you know that’s pretty plain language. And then, furthermore, you gotta go over there to Leviticus 18:22, where it says thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind, it is abomination, and Luke 17 at that same place while I was just telling that he describes for you how it’s going to look before he returns, and he says, right on the heels of that other word, he says, remember Lot’s wife, and then in Leviticus 20, he fixes the death penalty for those things, for those conducts.

TSB: Your church’s hatred of homosexuals is very well known.

SP: Our church’s hatred of homosexuals? Good grief!

TSB: Well, you guys don’t like homosexuals, right? Because god does not like homosexuals, am I right?

SP: We are the only people on the face of this Earth. Your said our church’s [views] is well known, so, in other words, our doctrine is well known. That’s what you are saying. Our doctrine and the scriptures are crystal clear. We are the only people demonstrating any love for these people, for these homosexual beasts. The scripture calls them brute beasts. They are to be taken and to be destroyed. It’s god’s hatred, and we’re telling you what the standard is. And we are doing that because of our love for our god and for our fellow man.

TSB: I was just about to ask, since the bible says that the end of the world is easier to predict than the weather, and all the signs, the bible also says, will not be completely hidden, do you feel that it will be within my lifetime, your lifetime? I’m 21 years old.

SP: I’m absolutely positive that it will be within my lifetime.

TSB. Right. This is what I really wanted to talk to you about. Tons of people in this culture, even people you would say are not following god’s law, agree with you that the world will end within their lifetimes.

SP: You know that’s not any coincidence. Who do you think-? Don’t you think that’s the problem with this arrogant nation? You do error, not knowing the scriptures nor the power of god. When it comes time, don’t you know that those people will know that it is the time for the lord Jesus Christ to be born on this Earth? We’re all looking for it.

TSB: The bible says it will come like a thief in the night.

SP: Exactly!

TSB: So what makes you think that in your lifetime it is likely to happen? That’s what I am really curious about.

SP: Because . . . I’ve got scripture for you on that.

TSB: Do it! Pull it up!

SP: When you see . . . it’s the Parable Of The Fig Tree! It’s the Parable Of The Fig Tree! Just a minute. If you want me to tell you this in better terms, in clearer terms, you ‘re just going to have to give me a second. It’s the end of the day and I’m tired.

TSB: Sure.

SP: You’re going to have to let me pull it up, OK?

TSB: Sure. Take your time.

SP: Hold on. I’m cleaning while we’re talking, so I’ve got to get back over to my –

TSB: Sounds like you’re a good multitasker.

SP: Yeah. When you have 11 children and activity all day and every day, you have to be a good multitasker. All right. Are you ready for this good stuff? It is good stuff.

TSB: Fire away, Shirley.

SP: I think it’s Matthew 21. No, sorry, Matthew 24, but it’s the same thing in another Gospel. It’s Matthew 24, and it’s so awesome. All right . . .

Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and puteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh

OK?

TSB: OK.

SP: Everybody knows, when you are looking at the trees in your neighborhood, you have lived and you have lived all your life, or long enough to know the signs of the seasons. Now listen to this next verse . . .

TSB: OK.

SP:

. . . so likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you . . .

Now, listen. Here is the key to answer your question.

TSB: Right.

SP:

. . . this generation shall not pass ‘til all these things be fulfilled.

Now, he gave the parable of the fig tree before, you understand, I just gave you the part now about learning the parable.

TSB: Right. I was citing that before. That’s what confused me. Because that would seem to be speaking to the audience that originally heard that verse before it was written down.

SP: No, no! No, no, no! It’s the generation that sees the events, OK? Not the generation that is seeing him talk about the fig tree, see?

For whosesoever the carcass is, there will the eagles be gathered together.

You know what that’s talking about right?

TSB: The eagle is talking about the United States, right?

SP: No. Wherever you have got the carcass of the lord Jesus Christ, there his eagle saints are gathered together with him.

Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken.

You’re getting a little bit confused about those stars, and so forth? They’re talking about the shaking of the nations. That’s talking about how when you look up in these nations, that across the international landscape, there are great shakings going on. Powers, people are rising up and people are falling down. That’s the powers that are shaken.

TSB: Do you believe that’s unique to our times? Is it a symptom of globalism or globalization?

SP: Wait a minute.

And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

And you look up and you can see other harbingers of that time.

TSB: What is a modern harbinger of that time? What do you see in current events?

SP: Well, the whole globe, almost without exception, has risen up with one voice. People who do not join in would be called the statistically insignificant minority. [they] have not joined in to say it’s not OK to be gay. And, look, do you understand that is says that the whole world is going to hate you. Did you see that documentary out of the BBC?

TSB: No. Which one?

SP: The one that they did about us, and you know what they titled it?

TSB: Oh, yeah. The Most Hated Family in America!

SP: Exactly! And not only that, we’ve been hearing from all over. Did you see the Jeremy Kyle show?

TSB: Jeremy Kyle, huh? No.

SP: It’s been recently. It played, it aired about less than week ago. Just like that BBC, and almost immediately, it’s uploaded now. If you go to Jeremy Kyle, or you put my name in, you’re going to find those. It’s four clips, that show. Those people, it’s all over the globe. You know, when they arrested me last Tuesday –

TSB: I’m sorry. Actually, I wanted to tell you I’m really sorry about that. I don’t think that people should be arrested for burning or messing up the flag. I think that’s inherently against –

SP: You mean, or having their ten-year-old child standing on it?

TSB: Yeah, or even having their ten-year-old child standing on it.

SP: Which, of course, I didn’t have him stand on it. He stood on it his own self. That’s been his whole life, that little boy standing on flags.

TSB: I thought that was unfair. I really thought that was unfair. I don’t support all the stuff you do, but I felt like their putting you in jail for your child not respecting America and burning a flag is actually fairly un-American, to be frank with you.

SP: Exactly! And he didn’t burn the flag, he just stood on it.

TSB: He just stood on it? Whatever. Sorry.

SP: Here’s the point. Here’s the point about that. That article, AP story?

TSB: Yeah.

SP: It circled this globe. You just go in and put that article in and you’re going to find it in Beijing. Every part of the globe, and I’m telling you what this means is that the lord Jesus Christ, who holds the keys to the doors of utterance and who opens those doors and no man can shut them, is bringing these events on apace, so that we can fulfill another prophecy in Matthew. I think it’s 24 where it says that all the nations are going to be preached to. These words are going to go into all of these nations so that the end can come. So I’m telling you: events are happening apace. The works that are going on in this country. Look, can you give me one second?

TSB: Sure.

SP: Thank you.

TSB: You were talking about these events that were going on in this country. I was really interested in what you thought.

SP: Yes. Ever since bimbo, bombastic, big-mouthed, blowhard, bastard Bush took office, we have had the first and the worst and the most of anything. The worst homeland terrorist attack, as they call it. The worst so-called natural disaster. The worst massacre, you understand?

TSB: Which natural disaster are you talking about? Are you talking about the tsunami?

SP: Well, there you go. You got several, don’t ya? You’ve got Katrina. And here, let me say one word about that, one word about these natural disasters. This nation is the glory of those spectacular events to their great goddess, their false goddess, Mother Nature. And the lord god, whose name is Jealous, who says that is my glory, and I will not give my glory to another. Every time this nature and any freak in her calls out an act of nature, they enrage their god. That is his glory. He calls the whirlwind his fury marching through the land. That’s his actions.

TSB: When people talk of nature, I think they’re often describing how something’s happening, and when you say it’s an act of god, you’re saying why something happened, and I don’t think it’s –

SP: No, no, no. Don’t you dare go trying to separate god from his actions. Don’t do that. That’s foolish. That’s his actions! It comes from his hand! He says, shall there be evil in the city and God has not done it?

TSB: I don’t think really it’s a separation. You can say god did it, and I guess, you know, fair enough, but that doesn’t describe how clouds form and move and it doesn’t mean it will happen randomly by chance and there’s no meaning to it.

SP: Yeah! Exactly! And the wonder and the majesty of his deeds and his power and his ways! And it should give a person a reason to bow and praise the god who created the heaven and the earth! Who put out the stars and put them in their courses, and created every creature and every thing! He needs nothing from us! He asks nothing from us, except our obedience, and he says that in the scriptures. I didn’t ask for anything from you except that you obey my commandments. Did you have a computer bible? If you don’t, go online and do bible.com or something.

TSB: Bible gateway. Yeah.

SP: And you do a quick search, a quick word search and put in “keep my commandments.” You will be amazed how many times – not in the old testament, but in the new testament – Jesus Christ said, if you love me, keep my commandments. This is love of god that you keep my commandments and that they are not grievous!

Distance, Decisions and Destruction

As the New York Press’s Matt Taibbi pointed out with some disdain for peers, any story shows its true weakness that could have been written in one room with a television, a Rolodex and a telephone. So, it is with sorrow that I admit I could not make it up to the Homestead resort to catch Sen. Allen’s first debate with the competition. After winning the June 13 primary against Harris Miller, Democratic challenger Jim Webb is to face off against Republican incumbent George Allen this November. According to yesterday’s Rasmussen poll, Allen and Webb are squared away with 500 random likely Virginia voters at 47 percent and 42 percent respectively. By the June 22, the Israeli-Lebanese conflict had already escalated 10 days. Any mainstream cable news network was flooded with coverage.
At the American Bar Association event, George Allen was a firm supporter of Hezbollah’s status as “terrorists.” He boasts, “[Connecticut Senator] Joe Lieberman was my Democrat partner on having the Europeans list Hezbollah as a terrorist organization to interdict any financing of Hezbollah.” Syria and Iran are behind financing the group, he adds.
Amid serious unrest in southern Lebanon, President Bush expressed his confidence that our atypical allies could be brought around to ending violence. “You see, the thing is,” he explained to U.K. Prime Minister Tony Blair, “what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s all over.” Hezbollah, literally translated as “Party of God,” is a civilian and military group formed in the early 1980’s to fight Israel.
Jim Webb says, “Hezbollah is a direct result of the empowerment of Iran, so now we have a larger problem to deal with.” At the same time, Webb says he seeks cooperation from countries in the Iraq region.
C-SPAN ran a fascinating yet extremely awkward interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, courtesy of CBS. Mike Wallace keeps trying to get him to address the widespread concern that his military forces were supplying Hezbollah with rockets, and Iraqis with Improvised Explosive Devices that kill American soldiers. Invariably, Ahmadinejad changes the subject, firing back cryptic questions such as “Why are Americans killing . . . Iraqis on a daily basis?” and “Are you the representative of the Zionist regime or a journalist?” Ahmadinejad clearly sees himself as justified because the United States has not secured Iraq, and provides Israel billions of dollars in aid and military equipment every year.
Even having visited Iraq on several occasions, Sen. Allen’s retrospective about the Iraqi infrastructural overthrow stays positive. “It’s a country that is very grateful,” says Allen. “The people, regardless if they’re Shiite, Sunni or Kurd, are grateful for America liberating their country.” Jim Webb, on the other hand, reiterates that the Iraqi War has been a strategic failure.
By all of the most recent accounts of Iraq opinion, that nation’s people are not grateful. An ABC poll last December reported that half of 1,722 “randomly” selected Iraqis say that it was wrong for the United States to have invaded, up 11 percentage points from the previous year. The London Sunday Telegraph reported the results of a British Ministry of Defence poll. Conducted conspicuously by the British, it appeared last August that “65 per cent of Iraqi citizens support attacks [on Allies] and fewer than one per cent think Allied military involvement is helping to improve security in their country.”
Facebook.com provides a good way to track down people in the United States as exasperated with one another as they are with war in general. One American alumnus of New York University, identifying himself only as “Judah the Maccabi” started an online group based on the “top 10 reasons” he supports Israel. Throughout the course of the battle and resulting Aug. 14 cease-fire, 8,931 Facebookers joined in what I can only presume is agreement. In a message to me, he says, “We support [military campaigns] when they have to do with hunting down the terrorists that kill our innocent civilians (including women and children), which involves going to war with the bastards.”
I also got in contact with City University of New York (Baruch) student, Dardan Beselica, an Albanian man. He supports Hezbollah along with others in a significantly smaller Facebook group. In contrast to the current administration, he does not see Hezbollah as terrorists. As he says, “I acknowledge and condemn resistances that sometimes apply terrorism as part of their struggle.” Whether your definition of “terrorism” includes the oblique aiming of Katyusha rockets into populated areas, or accepting massive “collateral damage” for the sake of deterrence, is upon a grave stake.
Beselica’s specific responses to my questions happen to highlight major ideological differences between the two Facebookers. For your consideration, the following dialogue is constructed from my correspondences.
“Judah” expressed his support for Israel first and foremost “because Israel is a liberal democracy, the only one in the Middle East. It provides a model for future democracies in the region.” However, Beselica says to the contrary, “It claims democracy, yet it illegally occupies land and treats the inhabitants therein as 2nd class citizens.”
“Judah” says, “Jews should have sovereignty over their eternal homeland (ever hear of the Bible?), no matter what anyone says. After living in exile for 2000 years, we deserve it.” Beselica alleges views of an Orthodox Jewish acquaintance accounting for 70 different Torahnic interpretations. “[His account] perplexed me and made me realize Zionism truly lacks a sound argument.” Those interpretations also seem to inform Beselica that exiled Jews must not return until the Messiah’s return.
“Judah” notes, “Israel preserves and has made accessible the holiest sites of my religion, regardless of my faith or religious background.” (“Judah” himself professes Judaism.) Beselica says Israel merely claims to uphold secularism if, again, its theological interpretations branch 70 disparate ways.
“Israel has one of the most moral armies in the world,” says “Judah”. “In order to limit the loss of human life, Israel frequently puts its soldiers at risk through house-to-house combat instead of more secure air strikes against hostile threats. Additionally, the Israeli Defence Forces, or IDF, drops leaflets telling civilians to leave an area (which consequentially gives away the element of surprise to belligerents), all in the interest of preserving the sanctity of human life. In both cases, this minimizes the loss of civilian casualties.”
Note the costs of this terrible war. Lebanon grieves 1,300 dead and 3,600 wounded civilians. Israel suffers the loss of 43 dead and 1,350 wounded civilians. Its military honors 117 dead and 400 wounded. Hezbollah itself claims only 85 fighters lost, but the Israeli Defense Force claims more than 500 dead. Five hundred thousand Israelis are displaced, along with 1 million Lebanese.
“Israel has thousands of prisoners in its jails,” says Beselica. “In fact some of them are democratically elected members of Palestine and/or Lebanon’s parliament. Others have been in jail for perhaps dozens of years. Unfortunately, Israel has in the past been known to practice torture as well.”
The two strangers bemoan histories racked with pride and blame for entire ethnic and religious groups. “For over 3,300 years, Jerusalem has been the Jewish capital of the world,” says “Judah”. “I feel that Jews before the creation of Israel and local Arabs had gotten along fine,” says Besilica. “To this day, refugees in neighboring countries hold their original keys to the houses that were demolished within Israel,” he adds.
The Israeli military campaign, contends “Judah,” was conducting exactly the same thing the United States is doing in Iraq and Afghanistan, “except these terrorists have a different name for their group – Hezbollah”.
Last month in a Honoluluan bar I ran into a young Army man, Sam, who seemed barely my senior, if at all. Even during transit through the idyllic Oahu, his thoughts opened up back in Baghdad, undistracted by the nearby stranger lurching back from our concrete stoop to puke into the wet sand.
Sam’s appraisal of the help-to-hurt ratio of U.S. occupation today? “I’d say it’s about half [good] and half [bad].”
Sam reported that some Iraqis would indeed walk up to him in the streets and ask to shake his hand, to thank him for his work. “Still,” he said, his eyes far off on the urban strip-lit Pacific, “I can’t help but scan the sides of these roads for people sitting down, acting funny.” On the way back to the airport, I tried to imagine getting anywhere near under that much scrutiny, having to examine the imminent possibility of an Improvised Explosive Device. I shuddered.
Gearing up for the November 7 ballot from their podiums – even with millions of dollars in business interests in contest – Allen and Webb lightheartedly sought catharsis for the defeat one of the men will find. “We’re going to have a beer November 8th, one way or the other,” says Webb. “All right,” says Allen.