Humanity brought to its knees, there’s never been a better time to invest

Iranian warship transits the Suez canal

Iranian warship transits the Suez canal to fuck with Israel and Syria like it's nothing.

IRAN GEARED UP FOR WAR

INJECTS TWO WARSHIPS

“Hate filled radiation bombs dropped on the fields below burned all the people alive in their homes, like pathetic voles,” said Vice Chairman of Radiation Bombs Senior Palmer, head of AT&T.

For Israel to bring the hatebombing against Iran, “there’s got to be at least 100″ fighter jets in the sky, refueling mid-air during their thousand mile journey. “That way you kill the most innocents,” Palmer added. Lockheed Martin’s written all over this shit. Halliburton? Where are you.

Analysts predict the Israeli fuckstorm over nuke country could have “deep, long-lasting effects” on the region. Dr. Felix Clayborn of the Chronicle Institute of Hatenology said the rocket fire could theoretically be seen from the moon, “which is pretty fucking awesome.”

Meanwhile, South Korea carried forward with a military exercise punishable by North Korean military action. North Korea recently exploded a nuclear bomb underground with which inside sources say Kim Jong Un is preparing to rape the world “like a big radioactive dildo.”

Financial analysts have predicted unprecedented spikes in gas prices. “It’s going to fuck us for a long time,” lamented Clayborn, who is not an authority on the subject.

Lebal Drocer Space Technologies spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers said the fallout after global thermonuclear war is going to suck pretty bad.

“Human life on earth could be eradicated as early as Fall 2014,” prophesied Sakers. He also said gold will never cost nothing, adding that it will always be worth something. “There’s never been a better time to invest,” he explained.

Call 1-800-GOLD-HORD and ask how to put a lien on your firstborn child to gain access to hot new premium membership options. 1-800-GOLD-HORD

Was there a 9/11 on the Internet I didn’t hear about?

THATS JUST LIKE THE 9/11 OF THE INTERNETAnd did the Jews do this one, too?

Ask Robert Mueller, Director of the FBI, and he’ll tell you government agencies need to change their organizational structure “in the same ways we changed to address terrorism.”

Mueller then said intelligence agencies “have to share information” just as “we had to share intelligence in the wake of September 11th…we have to build up the collective addressing of that threat, in the same way that we did so and broke down the walls in the wake of September 11th.”

In retaliation for the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center, indefinite detentions became commonplace as American leaders ordered outright assassination of American citizens. In other cases, innocent people are still being held against their will on mere suspicion. So what will the undoubtedly heavy handed response be to the forthcoming “9/11 of the Internet?” And will it, too, be a false flag operation committed by the Jews to make people believe it was an inside job?

I really want to help Robert Mueller make everyone safer. My only wish is that he could have taken our freedoms before we ever had them. But there is only 200 years of law obstructing true justice, and hell, we’ve overturned older civil rights laws than that!

EDITOR’S NOTE (WTF EDITION):

CBS “News” bragged in an article  about CBS Justice and Homeland Security Correspondent (in other words, Staff Propagandist) Bob Orr’s Christmas day “prediction” that problems relating to cybersecurity will match the severity of “terrorism,” and that we’re “long overdue” for an act of cyberterrorism against infrastructure. The fact that “cyberterrorism” can only occur through infrastructure notwithstanding, why is CBS patting themselves on the back for predicting changes they played a role in creating?

“We’re CBS Fucking News! We either set the agenda, or report the plans already beset by the Overlord. You decide!”

UPDATE: And why do you need to rearrange the FBI when your current practices are catching the “cyberterrorists” just fine?

Intense outpouring of hate

Lush RimjobDuring an AmWay pitch

I WILL CUT EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, DON’T KNOWBODY MAKE A MOVE.

I hear you all talking about me behind my back. I know them things you been saying about me. You think I’m a punk.
You think I’m going to back down?

Shit, I own a fucking business. (Emphasis added) I will rape the teeth out of your mouth until all I’m left fucking is a complaining, bloody gumhole. And then I’ll come for your slutty daughter.

RAPING ALL THE DAUGHTERS – that’s my business. (Emphasis added)

NOW SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME SELLING AMWAY.

LauraPlushy follow-up

Laura Plushy is quite possibly the dumbest nearly-sexy person I’ve ever seen.

Laura Plushy is the kind of girl to whom I might lie about my name when I meet her, just for the sake of impregnating her and never contacting her again. Yes, I would do that. And yes, I would get an AIDS test soon afterwards.

Because that’s all she’s good for. ReplyGirl? That’s lower than a callgirl. Dirty, dirty girl.

Bitch, you are disgusting. But I should clarify, you are disgusting in a way that makes me want to water you like a garden with my seed, and never look back. You do this to many men. That’s why you have so many views, but so many dislikes as well.

I think you’re so profoundly gross, that I don’t quite know how to hate you. So if possible could you please reply to this in a video?

Works Cited

Be a YouTube Reply Girl

We here at Chronicle.SU have quick and simple way, an easy way, to rake in tens of thousands of subscribers on Youtube with very little effort. These views can quickly be turned into cash around the home, as long as you follow a few simple rules and are approved for a YouTube partnership, which we guarantee. This simple method contains a few simple secrets which we will provide to you, our loyal cult followers, at a low, low price. Follow these three simple steps, easy steps, and you will be on the path to  not only riches, but fame and popularity with the online world like you have never imagined.

Step 1: Preparing for your first video

First thing you’ll need to do is make sure you have a camera, or basically any footage at all which won’t get YouTube on your ass for copyright infringement. This part’s actually not that important at all, content is completely irrelevant. There just has to be a video of some sort.

What’s vitally important is that there must be clearly visible cleavage shown in the image YouTubers are going to see before they click your video.

Next, find some YouTube video that’s just now starting to get a ton of visits which hasn’t already been swamped with reply videos. Upload your “reply” using all available optimized search terms. The combination of tits will attach your video like a leech to the underbelly of the internet and you will make tons of money this way. Keep making the videos until your income stabilizes and never forget the tits.

Step 2: Create a pyramid scheme

This part isn’t so straightforward until you really get good at the first bit. All this video uploading and recording is time consuming, so after a while you’re going to want to compartmentalize this knowledge into a get-rich-quick scheme and then sell that, rather than doing all the work yourself.

Start each “reply” video with a short infomercial which links to your ad-infested homepage. Write a few rambling blog posts on a locked blog and charge each person ten dollars for the secret millionaire knowledge.

I have sold the secret of YouTube tit reply video scamming to several young women who are now prospering thanks to their remarkable cleavage. They may get a lot of hateful comments, but one intrepid YouTube entrepreneur I inspired, TheReplyGirl, is now able to go to college because of her titshare program. She has also influenced other women to show their cleavage in reply videos on YouTube, and the Internet community is much enriched thanks to the startlingly insightful opinions the new, growing class of Reply Girls.

 

Step 3: Masturbation

 

Kim Dotcom is just another white collar 1% criminal

We don't own the copyright to this image. Unfair use.

Federal agents have come down hard on Megaupload, seizing every little bit of property they can get their grubby fed hands  on. Anonymous has unleashed the floodgates of cyberhell, causing its collective consciousness to go into a raging seizure, lashing out at anything and everything that moves. DDoS attacks on three letter government web servers have been the major response, but the latest victim, CBS, was temporarily deleted. These attacks, dubbed #OpMegaUpload, come in the wake of the internet’s defining moment of activism, in which Wikipedia and Google participated in a blackout to spread awareness about the Stop Online Piracy Act.

What Anonymous hasn’t looked into, however, is the man they are defending. Kim Dotcom, owner of Megaupload, is an obese multimillionaire and also the world’s top player of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. He has such incredibly bad taste that he fills his front yard with life-size statues of giraffes. Both bad taste and insane amounts of for-profit piracy are completely forgivable, and should not be held against Kim Dotcom. Editor’s note: I’m going to miss watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on MegaVideo, knowing that the ad revenue is buying some fat hick the ultimate lawn ornament arrangement.

Kim Dotcom is not just guilty of crimes we all agree with, but he has also participated in some very typically 1% criminal behavior we must condemn. In 2002, Kim Dotcom was found guilty of the largest insider trading scandal in German history. Kim flooded some company’s stocks with a bunch of money, promising investors the company would turn around. Once the stocks surged from this news, the fat man sold everything, robbing everyone blind. Like a little 1% bitch, he fled to Thailand, where the feds promptly caught up to him. Dotcom was given a slap on the wrists and a small fine for an abusively rich man. Kim’s recent arrest required police to cut open the safe room in his gigantic mansion, where he was found playing Call of Duty and masturbating to the thought of how he was so rich the cops couldn’t even arrest him.

Copyright infringement has become somehow more menacing to twisted world authorities than insider trading. On one hand, a person who abuses their wealth to indirectly steal millions from investors is punishable by a 100,000 euro fine and 20 months in prison. On the other hand, copyright infringement will result in this same person’s entire fortune being forfeit and will put his ass in the American gulag for decades. Despite this glaring injustice, the opinion of the author remains steadfast. Kim Dotcom deserves this punishment, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.

Suspicious death of Anonymous target Deanna Despain raises questions about Barrett Brown

“The best way to proceed with a controversial plan is to implement it first and then slowly prepare others to accept it.” ~ Barrett Brown

City Clerk Deanna Despain was recently doxed by Anonymous and subsequently found dead under suspicious circumstances. Barrett Brown has refused to comment on this matter.

Barrett Brown is perhaps the most well-known heroin addict in the world, representing hackers from the Anonymous collective. Like others in the media, Brown has little or no idea what Anonymous actually is. To him, it’s just a springboard for his own personal agenda, which includes taking baths on TinyChat and purchasing his own Texas compound like his hero David Koresh.

Barrett Brown was named this year's most despicable person by the despicable people at Gawker.

After the recent Stratfor hack, Brown scrambled to defend the theft of credit card information, arguing that “the hacking team that obtained this information did not break down the doors of the target, point guns at children, and shoot down any dogs that might have been present.” If this group of hackers had the capability to do these things, and it served their agenda, it’d be bizarre to imagine they’d back down because of their upstanding moral character. Another document from an Anonymous representative denied the attack altogether, receiving more support from Anonymous than Brown’s statement.

“Sometimes I feel left out because I don’t really know much about computers and everyone I interact with talks crazy future gibberish.” ~ Barrett Brown, spokesperson for Anonymous

Barrett Brown has a history of making unverified statements to stay in the public eye. Brown tweeted, “Those in Asheville, NC should watch movements of District Attorney Ron Moore at this time,” implying that information about Moore’s criminal activity would soon surface. It did not. Brown also famously claimed that a member of Anonymous was abducted by the Zetas, but this was not true. Brown’s home address was then published by Anonymous, and he appealed to Occupy DC for funding so he could escape certain death at the hands of the Zetas to the safety of New York. After a few short weeks, Brown returned home, now entirely safe. Brown’s most laughable red herring to date has to be the “Barium issue,” which he has used only when the news cycle has become completely dry.

 

Are Occupy Wall Street, Antisec, and Anonymous losing relevance?

We haven’t tried much, and it has all failed. Overlapping values, trending #revolution on Twitter, video evidence of wrongdoing – could not rescue our society from the bonds of greed, nor could it free us from tyranny. Peacefully.

In fact, a year later, we are less free. Every privilege we assumed was a right, and every ounce of security we felt buckled under the pressure of a thousand guns turned on 100,000 protesters, peace taken by force, and won’t be returned. Peacefully.

Anonymous could barely turn out a swastiget in Habbo Hotel, forget a fucking legitimate protest. These kids are young, mad, and they just barely know why. Scientology? If you want to protest a dangerous, dehumanizing cult responsible for the embezzlement and conning billions out of innocent people, why don’t you protest “Billy Graham, Oral Roberts, and all the other evangelists who save.” Pick any branch of Christianity and you’ll find a more rampant, systematic con-job operation than Scientologists, in all their scientific wizardry, could invent. Peacefully.cat

Protesting at Wall Street proved, once and for all, that no amount of begging will dry up the greed overabsorbed into the sopping wet hearts of corporate American CEOs, bank presidents and politicians. Protesting the federal government without ten million dollars is like showing up to Wal-Mart without ten dollar bills. If you want something, be ready to spend. That’s Lesson Number One.

Lesson Number Two: In 1976, Buckley v. Valeo decided spending money on campaign contributions is free speech. Did a panel of judges, thoughtful men of experience and wisdom, really not stop to consider, “If spending money is free speech, then isn’t absence of money the absence of speech?” Alas, whether they did or did not dissent is yesterday’s question; now, more than ever, politicos are in the pockets of corporations, financial schemers and worst of all – bankers.

The conditional response to force, is sooner or later, going to be force. I am not condoning violence, but I see us going down that road – once the fragile computer geeks and straight women get out of the way, of course. Then, there’ll be true change. When men own men again, there’ll be revolt.

So what if Occupy Wall Street “opened the dialog” like it didn’t already exist in print. The Occupy movement was misrepresented in television, we all know it was, so stop watching television. They’re the ones you’re protesting, you stupid fucks!

#OWS was a “test run” for what, exactly? Future failures, or the police? Because I look at the police, and they got their exercise, alright. Every precinct near a medium-sized city got to play with a bunch of new toys and spray neat and interesting colors into people’s faces. People who just sat there. On a sidewalk. On phones. Shit, there were so many consumers at this anti-corporate protest, anybody old enough to remember the 70s is hard-pressed to see what is the matter with those rich kids on TV, getting maced and beaten.

#Antisec, trying really hard to attach to our anti-banking, anti-finance sentiments, is making up hacks and reaching for literally anything that makes them look rebellious, even the names of innocent, elderly citizens. No thanks, Sabu, I already have a phone book. Also, I should direct your attention to what I thought was an obvious fact: that you’re doing a valuable free service to the shit-eating 1% out there who couldn’t be hassled to pay experts to ensure the protection of their own customers data.

“Great vulnerability checking! I’ll write the check out to Anonymous.”

-CEO, Bank of Unfairica

The status quo is, in and of itself, cancer. Therefore Antisec is AIDS, Anonymous is cancer, and the Occupy movement will be a time on which we look back and say, “Damn, I should have stood up and hit that motherfucker back.”

[ Editor's Note: Antisec was barely worth mentioning, and Old Brutus is an asshole for doing so. However their decline signals the disappearance of the last substantial online collective. The Antisec movement, having departed from LulzSec, is no longer funny, and in fact pointlessly contrary to their purported goals of creating instability by attacking networks. ]

Antisec is not Anonymous

“You cannot arrest an idea,” was Topiary’s last message to Anonymous, but he should have mentioned you can kill an idea. The internet counterculture known as Anonymous, which is actually not a hacking collective, found its most unifying moment coming to the defense of Wikileaks and the freedom of the press. Now, a year later, a small group of supposed Anons have assaulted Stratfor and made themselves direct enemies of the freedom of the press. Rampant misinformation has led the majority of Anons to support this action, and it seems the general belief is that Stratfor must be evil as it was hacked by Anonymous. In truth, Stratfor’s benign publication has been disrupted unfairly and without reason. The Anonymous subculture is in danger of losing all credibility, but more importantly all online Anonymity has been put in jeopardy by the actions of the very few.

Antisec and their leader Sabu, the small group which took credit for this hack, appear to act out of pure opportunism as a matter of course. While their belief that bad security, in itself, warrants exploitation has been expanded on at great lengths, it is actually completely contrary to Anarchist thought. Anarchists criticize those whose authority is gained solely through use of force, and support authority only when it has been proven entirely necessary. Antisec has used force time and time again, serving little to no positive purpose for society and ultimately placing the very concept of anonymity in a negative light for no reason at all. For example, Antisec’s Chinga La Migra release offered up thousands of e-mails from border police, claiming that this action would expose corruption. Not a single case of corruption was exposed, but the sensitive personal information of many border police was. Military Meltdown Monday, another attack carried out by Antisec, yielded 57,000 e-mails containing sensitive personal information of officers and no cases of corruption. Shooting Sherriff’s Saturday, yet another attack targeting law enforcement, yielded information from 77 different sheriff’s offices and again, revealed no cases of corruption and publicized the personal information of officers. Antisec’s use of force in these attacks and on Stratfor is demonstrably without purpose, the actions not of righteous Anarchists, but opportunistic criminals.

Antisec is treading on thin moral ice, engaging in some of the very same activity the US government used to weaken Wikileaks. Sabu claims to have stolen over a million dollars from the credit card accounts found on Stratfor’s servers, a punishment which can be compared to the pressure put on Visa, Mastercard, and Paypal to stop the flow of funding to the defense of Wikileaks. While Sabu also claims to have donated this money to charity, this arguably puts Antisec in a worse standing as the charities will likely have their accounts frozen and only suffer a loss. Misinformation has spread about the nature of Stratfor, maligning and misrepresenting its activities. It is entirely possible that this activity has been purposeful, as the campaign of disinformation against Wikileaks was. Antisec does not stand on the moral high ground, as I believe most Anons do.

Anonymous can disown Antisec. In the past, Anons have disowned wayward operations by general consensus. For instance, threats made against Westboro Baptist Church were completely disowned and written off as infiltration by the Phelps family. The most damaging attack against the Playstation Network, which took place at the height of Operation Sony, was denied even though the hacker left the Anonymous mantra on the Sony server as a calling card. Actions which run contrary to the sensibilities of the Anonymous subculture or are extremely unpopular are in fact always disowned. That’s why I wrote this press release on Sunday, disowning Antisec’s attack on Stratfor. The intentions of Sabu and his crew are increasingly unclear, and it is time for Anons to think critically about whether this type of behavior really represents Anonymous. This struggle is not just about saving face for the internet’s biggest counter-culture, but helping to preserve a future where online anonymity is a protected right.

How the Grinch stole Lulzmas

EDIT: After posting this article, Sabu clarified that his tweet did not, in fact, mean that he had stolen from the accounts of 90,000 law enforcement agents, journalists, intelligence community members, and whitehats. The part about journalists was actually shorthand for “corporate media executives,” and of the 90,000 accounts mentioned, only a few were stolen from on Christmas.

This is the tweet that caused so much confusion

Only Sabu and the Grinch steal on Christmas.

In the past, attacks on the media have been one of the few taboos among hackers in the Anonymous collective. And rightly so, as Anonymous generally stands firm on the issue of freedom of information and especially freedom of the press. With the exception of relatively harmless LulzSec defacements of NPR and The Sun, this has been one of the unspoken rules followed by the collective. That is, until now.

Merry Christmas! Unless, of course, you happen to be a journalist for a corporate “white hat” news outlet. In other words, an enemy of “the people” as defined by dear leader Sabu. Sabu tweeted out his Robin Hood hit-and-run on Christmas Eve, a present to all who follow his glorious command. That’s right, the bank accounts of journalists were raided to help make a million dollar donation to Sabu’s unnamed charity of choice. Possibly Hamas, as his Twitter avatar suggests. Only the Grinch steals on Christmas, doing it all for the lulz. Maybe Sabu’s just trolling us all for teh Lulz, too. He’ll come riding down the mountain with all the presents and all the little Who reporters will get their Christmas back.

Christmas this year isn't all bad, at least Boxxy showed some cleavage. Well, I'm not sure what's growing in her hair there.

This is, in effect, the same tactic employed by Mastercard and Paypal to punish WikiLeaks for publishing the cablegate documents leaked by Bradley Manning. If you disagree with what someone says, punish them financially – to hell with the freedom of press! As bankers, CEO’s, and other white collar criminals rob everyone blind, Sabu has decided to rob what he calls “white hat corporate journalists” because they have big ol’ corporate accounts and they aren’t starving or anything.

This move is so blindly stupid, so incalculably bad, so patently dumb, the only logical conclusion is that Sabu and his crew are working for the government to make the nebulous Anonymous collective look bad and help hasten SOPA and the oncoming forced Facebookization of the internet.

Merry Christmas! Anonymous is now fully integrated into the hate machine of one country or another and Sabu’s manning the helm, steering for ultimate destruction of the Fourth Estate. Does he work for Iran, the US, or Hamas? No one knows! What’s clear is that he obviously doesn’t work for Anonymous.