POLICE IN TIMES SQUARE HAVE GASSED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE 99%
New York–Occupy Wall Street protesters were gassed today by police officers who were covering their badges with duct tape. After being herded into a paddywagon, tear gas cannisters were deployed on innocent protesters who were completely peaceful and in fact already restrained.
Video equipment was destroyed and phones were confiscated by riot police, who also deployed an LRAD sonic crowd control device to control the peaceful protest with rays of concentrated pain.
Peace officers removed sim cards from confiscated mobile devices and stamped them into pieces before protesters before throwing the phones away, presumably in an attempt to destroy evidence of wrongdoing.
New York City is on the brink of martial law, and hundreds of FEMA vehicles were spotted crossing the Brooklyn Bridge earlier today.
Unconfirmed reports surfaced of Black Hawk helicopters being spotted in the skies over Times Square and around Manhattan.
Area residents are reportedly “grateful” for police efforts to bring down the noise level in surrounding areas.
“They just wouldn’t quit with those drums,” complained Marcy Hennegan, 43, a high-rise resident around Zucotti Park.
Protesters were heard screaming out “Why?” while onlookers chanted “Shame! Shame! Shame!” over the sounds of orange gas lines hissing, fed into the open slots of various police vans in the area.
This Sunday Catie Wayne, known for bubbly youtube videos under the alias of Boxxy, released a minute-long video of her new character 3v3. 3v3 is completely indistinguishable from Boxxy except for the fact that 3v3 has some kind of hideous neon rat’s nest in place of her incredibly beautiful dark hair. To top it off, the video is shot in some fucking public place on a damn smart phone or some bullshit while 3v3 yammers on about how she’s recording with the terrible rap group Little Kinky (who are so suck she has to be sleeping with them). Fans of Boxxy have been decidedly pissed and have widely expressed the sentiment that they are no longer fans of anything Catie Wayne touches.
Here’s the terrible advertisement video for Catie’s upcoming shitpile – the only interesting part being a slight tit bounce around :50.
This drech has got to end, Catie.
Fans have to be asking themselves what the fuck is going through her head. The nose ring, the blue contacts, the squid from Uranus growing out of her hair. Now I don’t want to take away anyone’s right to self-expression but this is just a complete trainwreck, possibly signalling the end of Catie Wayne’s internet career. We just can’t possibly be expected to fap to this.
I heard about Madison rising today on the Glenn Beck radio show, introduced by the woman who reads headlines as if she is not a part of Beck’s program.
Madison Rising’s song, “Honk If You Want Peace,” depicts Occupy Wall Street protesters as “tie dye slobs” and tells the story of a female protester who has been fatally injured by her own misplaced convictions.
A mother’s scream, the father races over
His little girl sprawled helplessly
He lifts her up upon his shoulder
And they run frantically
They’re in the car, it won’t be far
Their angel they can save
But as they turn the corner
She’s destined for the grave
Jeering mobs and tie-dyed slobs
People lying in the street
Whistles, drums and megaphones
This music is for people who really like Nickelback, but really can’t stand anything that doesn’t have a conservative message.
This live performance for Fox News features unbelievably anemic vocals and lyrics that are painfully stupid.
“Amen to the ones on the battlefield
Amen to those who fall
Amen to the [American] women and the children
Gettin caught between it all”
A perfunctory listen will reveal that these lyrics were not written by musicians. In fact, the phrases used by Madison Rising are assembled by a think tank and successful songs are then constructed from these phrases by a focus group of middle aged white men. Then, the lyrics are set to the music of songs that were not quite good enough for Nickelback.
Newt Gingrich knows about history and shit. He’s a historian. Preparations to return America to the way the founding fathers envisaged – allowing only white landowning men to vote – are already underway. Unconstitutional features of modern government such as Medicare, Medicaid, and welfare will be wiped away as blacks are re-enslaved. That’s how the founding fathers wanted things, and we all know God inspired them.
But what we’re not paying attention to now is Callista Gingrich’s fucking insanity. This woman will peck your fucking eyes out and her face is made of plastic because she’s an alien. Newt Gingrich is also an alien, as we all learned in Men in Black.
Its the MIBs – unh. They won’t let you remember.
But no one cares that these fuckers are aliens, because they’re too focused on who is more of a conservative. It just dawned on me, Occupy Wall Street is today’s Boston Tea Party, but in an Orwellian twist the modern Tea Party is actually a bunch of regressive aliens. Think about it, dumping corporate swill into the Ocean in protest of the abuse of power and hatred of the British King. Basically that’s how I feel about that.
Anyway, back to the aliens. Will Smith doesn’t have to cuss to sell records and that’s what makes him great. It’s guys like him that the aliens, following the example of our founding fathers, will be kind to. He will be a house slave, spared the pain of the cotton field.
The Occupy movement has successfully shifted the public’s attention to the corrupt influence of corporations over American government. At the same time, it has pushed the limits of free speech about as far as local governments will allow. In many cases the protesters have forced confrontations with police, highlighting every egregious use of force with the aid of youtube in a way that is both profoundly important and at the same time incredibly annoying. Each arrest is met with jeers from protesters who apparently don’t understand that being arrested is a part of civil disobedience. It seems they do not believe that their symbolic encampments are, while inspiring, almost always illegal. This kind of thinking is completely removed from reality, but that can apparently be fixed by using the incredibly creepy human microphone to repeat passages from the constitution as each protester is arrested.
A similar kind of activist dissonance is even more egregious and disturbing within the Anonymous subculture, which claims responsibility for organizing the Occupations and the Arab spring. In response to the financial blockade of WikiLeaks, a sickening product of extralegal pressure from government, Anonymous successfully perpetrated a string of high profile denial of service attacks. The comparison between denial of service and the sit-ins of the civil rights era has been made repeatedly by Anonymous and its supporters, but no comparison could be more nauseating. In the bizarre world of AnonOps IRC, the arena where these attacks were coordinated, a pervasive and infectious paranoia was evident in the constant discussions on how to best remain anonymous and completely unaccountable for the “cyberactivism” that was taking place. Not only did these “activists” take every precaution possible to avoid identification, but the laws which were broken are actually in place to ensure the freedom of speech and integrity of the internet. Anonymous may have worked for a noble cause, but the means were more akin to those of the masked Klu Klux Klan than those of civil rights activists. Thankfully, AnonOps no longer coordinates denial of service attacks.
It is worth noting that most Anons are probably not supporters of this kind of wholly destructive action. Anons are generally just young people, enjoying internet culture and not participating in much more than internet memes and occasional trolling raids. As in previous countercultures like the Punks and Hippies, what truly defines Anonymous is opposition to all that is sanitized and corporate and not the actions of whatever small group gains the most notoriety. That’s pretty much true of the Occupiers as well. Both these movements have self-organized, and as each is set in direct opposition to corporations, both naturally mimic corporate structure. It is helpful to think of groups of Occupiers or Anons as franchises acting independently of one another and beholden only to the three ring binder of cultural norms, which if broken will result in revocation of franchise status. This is a rare event, but Presstorm was an ideal example. Presstorm was a group of mostly Anon supporters acting as a media outlet covering issues mostly of interest to Anons. The editor-in-chief published a long editorial sharply criticizing Occupy Wall Street and over night Presstorm was disenfranchised, disavowed, and under denial of service attacks.
Although there does appear to be an informal kind of accountability for extreme cases like Presstorm, this is really where the franchise analogy breaks down. There are no headquarters for Anonymous or Occupy and no central organization to keep out the insane and destructive. In lieu of any unifying authority holding these movements in line and on message, there’s a few powerful labels that are used liberally to fix any inconsistencies. Should someone make outrageous comments, vandalize, or engage in any other deviant behavior, he or she is immediately deemed an infiltrator and associated with whatever enemy is most convenient. While it’s true that agent provocateurs have been used and are still used to discredit popular movements, the hysterical overuse of this point by Occupiers is laughable. With regards to AnonOps IRC and its media front end, AnonNews, one particular publication understood this mechanism and hit the nail on the head.
As it stands, both Anonymous and Occupy have won over supporters, gained media attention, and forced discussion of their issues upon the general public. Both have been fraught with negative press because of the not-so-peaceful nature of their confrontation with authorities, while at the same time highlighting a few major issues of public interest. Non-lethal violence against Occupy protesters is often shocking, as exemplified by the UC Davis pepper spray incident, Scott Olsen, and Tony Bologna. As for Anonymous, sometimes the bad boy hackers actually root out important facts. Private security contractors are using social media to manipulate people in conflict zones, as revealed by the Anonymous attack on HBGary. No one would know about it if it wasn’t for Anonymous. But are these things going to actually make a change for the better? Realistically, both of these movements are playing a zero sum game or worse, winning a few small victories at great expense to their cause.
Anonymous and Occupy aren’t situated on terra firma. In their dogma, the ultimate goal is to eliminate corporate and government structures in society and replace them with the same decentralized organization in which they are situated. In this utopian vision, perhaps legitimate authority will only take the shape of denial of service attacks and infiltrator witch hunts. This particular brand of magical thinking, in which the ongoing peaceful “revolution” will overthrow all existing power structures, is probably a symptom of the young and idealistic who are not yet willing to bend to reality.
The tragedy is that revolution, and not reform, is all that Occupy and Anonymous will accept. Running politicians (But not Michael Moore?) out of the encampments is a fun sport for the Occupiers, and harassing politicians and businessmen with crank phone calls is former Anonymous spokesperson Barrett Brown’s favorite hobby. I don’t think either movement is going to accept the cold reality that reform is the best thing they can hope for. Symbolic tent cities aren’t going to cause a revolution. Denial of service and harassment is worse. The people who want change need to work in a positive way with those in power, but the powerful who have tried to reach out to Occupiers have received only vitriol and hate. Anonymous and the Occupiers have fantasies of a better world, but the scumfucking Tea Party’s plans are already in motion.
George Ouzounian, failed blogger and former telemarketer, recently released his second book, I am Better than your Kids. For the past few years, Ouzounian has pored over thousands of children’s drawings to find the worst examples for this new book, which basically sucks dick. Maddox, as he is also known, is himself a terrible artist who refuses to use anything more advanced than MS Paint for his shitty web site which looks like it was designed in North Korea.
To promote a re-release of his first book, The Alphabet of Manliness “Extended Edition”, Maddox created what is possibly the gayest and most poorly drawn animation of all time.
Yeah, this really makes me want to buy your book.
Maddox chugs a tiny bottle of not-so-hot sauce while wearing a fake plastic crown that doesn't even look remotely real. What a faggot.
There’s only a few reasons why Maddox would have released an extended version of his book, all of which make him look like a complete cunt. Perhaps the first iteration lost a ton of money for Amazon, the corporation that caved to government pressure and wouldn’t host WikiLeaks. Damn Maddox, do you hate freedom? I wouldn’t be caught dead making deals with those baby fuckers. Then again, maybe Maddox was just inspired by George Lucas and decided to milk his stupid fans out of a little more cash. Fuck his Muslim ass. This pitiful animation clearly demonstrates how piss poor Maddox is at everything. Unsurprisingly, he’s failed at just about everything he’s ever done. Oh, that is of course except for making fun of children’s art.
In 2006, Maddox did a two hour talk radio program for Maxim Radio on Sirius which failed miserably. Maddox created a YouTube series, and I would embed it here if it wasn’t so absolutely unbearable to listen to his snide, shitty, monotone voice deliver emotionless rants at breakneck speed. More recently, he worked on a reality television show for Spike TV which also failed miserably. Hey Maddox, maybe you should think about going back to telemarketing.
Maddox is so fucking anti-vegetarian I got the impression he eats nothing but meat. But in a recent blog post, Maddox wrote that he didn’t like steak, fried seafood, fried chicken, ribs, hamburgers, or deli meat. I can only conclude that Maddox subsides only from ingesting his own steaming piles of shit, slathered with generous amounts hot sauce to make him feel less like a pussy.
Awww, was little Maddox belittled by his father? It inspired him to do so much better, and just look at him now, appearing on local television wearing cheap costumes. How special.
When I was a fucking kid, me and a couple of friends made a few calls and discovered George’s phone number, which we immediately called. He tried to deny he was Maddox for a few seconds, but that lie was too transparent for us, even though we were children. Turns out Maddox is only smarter than some kids, and we were not among them. Maddox asked us what we wanted and we kindly asked for a case of beer, which he agreed to give us. Maddox never delivered, because he is a stupid shit-eating liar. So is Maddox really better than our children? He can’t draw any better than most kids and he can’t even get a lie past a couple of teens making a prank call. Maddox, you owe us a case of beer you monumental pussy.
Two complete loser fans of the Chronicle.SU hijacked the comment section earlier today for an exchange of weak ass insults. The old woman, Spook, attacked soon-to-be-dropout Geo’s verifiable unwarranted self-importance while continuing to taunt Geo successfully using logical fallacies and immature insults. Geo struck back with his generalized righteous indignation, belittling Spook for her obvious lack of sophistication.
The Chronicle basked in hatred as the writers and editors absorbed the malice from this flame war like the emotional vampires we are. Hyper-aware that this is all just a pissing contest to win the Chronicle’s undying attention and respect, Chronicle staff was entirely indifferent, only interested in instigating the hatred via direct messages on Twitter.
Spook’s former Twitter handles were released to Geo and the US government via pointed tweets. Her paranoia was palpable. Geo quickly seized hold of this weakness and now appears to have the upper hand, chastising Spook for her homophobia as she continues to insist that Geo is in fact a faggot.
Both parties need to step it up and resort to the most desperate measures possible.
Don't be fooled by this picture. Gloria's gained a lot of weight lately after finding out her husband only sexually harasses ugly women at work.
Herman Cain’s wife is mad as hell that she hasn’t been the target of sexual harassment in nearly 15 years. She’s filed for a secret divorce under pressure from militant Tea Party militia men acting as Cain’s personal guard and trying really hard to prove that they aren’t racist. Secretly, they loathe Cain because he has more money than them.
Anonymous hacked Herman Cain’s wife’s e-mails to find this bullshit out and asked Chronicle.SU to disseminate the secret divorce. While no one on the internet really gives a fuck about Herman Cain because he’s a capable public speaker who knows when to 999 instead of John Wayne Gacey, Anonymous is fucking pissed off because that’s their default state.
At the next debate, before taking a drag off of a cigarette, we expect Cain to sexually harass Michele Bachmann and then give his slow troll grin for the cameras.
The following is a transcript of Herman Cain committing statutory rape on one of many hundreds of pizza delivery wenches he raped while CEO of Godfather’s pizza, as released by Anonymous.
Yeah baby you like that?
Yeah I fucking like that shit baby, give it to me.
Oh looks like your vagina is ready for sex, I will give you a generous raise after this dicking.
Fuck yeah nigga, you’re a big man.
Yeah I like it when you call me nigga, bitch. Swallow that cum. Yeah bitch.
Motherfuckers at the NBC
Don’t know how hard it is bein’ me.
All I wanna do is a drink a little, talk a little,
And fuck ’til I’m free.
God damn motherfuckers at the NBC
All I am is God,
All I am is wrong
All I am is Cheech
I am Tommy Chong.
To each his own
I am the one
I am the son
Of benevolence won.
I am the antichrist
I am the gun.
I'm not some confounding
some loud-talking resounding
asshole like you.
NBC: I am me.
And I say
This just in:
At least four high level Lebal Drocer Senior Executives are suspected of embezzling a total four and a half billion dollars from investors since 2007.
I am the antichrist
Authorities allege Raleigh Sakers, Lebal Drocer CEO, spearheaded the operation one day when he ran out of batteries for a personal voice recorder, which he never turned off. Ever.
These allegations, Sakers contended, are untrue.
If convicted, Raleigh T. Sakers, better known as the Transcendental Man, faces life in prison with no opportunity for parole. However, sources say this is nothing new. In 1987, Sakers was sentenced to ten years in prison for vehicular manslaughter when he was found guilty of intentionally running over a best friend in a brand new Mercedes E Class sedan.
Owner and proprietor of Lebal Drocer Holdings, Sakers enjoys a life of luxury and wealth through corporate sponsorships garnered from chronicle.su, the Elf Wax Times, totallyfalse.info and presstorm.com. Insiders, whose names which journalistic integrity compels us never to share, told chronicle reporters presstorm.com is an asset Sakers chose to let dissolve after its leadership self-immolated during the summer of 2011.
Sakers reportedly said, “I don’t give a fuck if it’s just one person. She isn’t doing a housewife’s work,” before slamming a door on the hand of his youngest daughter Mita, who is five and screamed out in angst when Sakers told the girl he “did that on purpose.”
Prayers of the chronicle.su staff and undoubtedly the entirety of her readership go out to Raleigh Theodore Sakers in his time of trouble. We would also like to recognize Pepsi Co., Starbucks, Genocide and NATO for all of their efforts in our similar quest for capital. Godspeed, and amen.
Every day some troll’s pity story is voted to the front page of Reddit. Apparently, there’s good money to be made from trolling such a gullible social network. Everyone on Reddit believes anything!
“Oh, woe is me, Reddit. I’ve moved out because my parents were tyrannic christians and life is so hard/I had to get an abortion. Please buy my book/reddit gold. It’s about a narwhal who fucks a robot to death and kills the tea party forever. Give me tons of up votes so I can laugh at you circlejerk candyasses. tl;dr atheism ron paul hurrdurrr.” ~ Reddit Troll
“It feels so good to upvote that Mmmm yeah, doing something good for the world right there.” ~ Average Redditor
Reddit agrees - ”You can help someone by upvoting!”
4chan has the kind of trolling awareness Reddit and other social media sites completely lack. Liars and trolls scam gullible Redditors every day. When ‘newfags’ on /b/ get trolled, it’s only part of a learning process. The creation of new copypasta and other memes is the aim of any true oldfag /b/tard. Reddit only gets creative to get points in a made up “karma” system that doesn’t mean anything. Redditors commit vile acts of fanboy sin in the process of acquiring “karma.”
This pizza looks like shit.
Hi, my hobby is photoshopping ridiculous Reddit bullshit onto camgirls for "karma" points
This is Reddit's favorite meme because they're all stupid fucks who can never tell if they're being trolled or not.
Editor’s note: I am, of course, an occasional Redditfag myself. I can’t help but be drawn to the one good rage comic per day, buried in layers of fail comics that aren’t really comics but people’s sad stories. Reddit is continually trolled into oblivion and I occasionally do my service for them. All those ugly chicks in /r/gonewild getting praised by karma whores, all the watered down memes. It’s not just that I have a thing against Reddit down voting most Chronicle articles, it’s that I know how to social engineer them to get the up votes. If /b/ is a bunch of coked-up lemmings, Reddit is a load of sperm ejaculated by a meth addict. You just have to give them meth. The little spermies sing, “when does the narwhal bacon? midnight.”
Extra credit: Cross-post good trolls on Reddit to 4chan and tell all the Redditfags to GTFO when they rage out and accuse you of cross posting from Reddit.