LONDON — Fans mourn the untimely and tragic death of singer and entertainer Justin Bieber. After collapsing on stage, Bieber was rushed to hospital, but despite the best efforts of doctors Bieber passed quietly Thursday evening.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, in a brief press conference outside the hospital, said, “Bieber’s heart gave out, but we are still trying to determine the cause. These kind of fatalities are often associated with drugs or heart defects, but the coroner’s report should bring light to the situation.” Angered at this statement, the crowd of fans attending the press conference assaulted Dr. Troubador, who was slightly injured before police intervened.
Some “Beliebers,” as fans of Bieber like to be called, have refused to mourn the pop star’s death. Unconvinced that Bieber has actually died, some accused the singer’s managers of keeping the young teen heart-throb to themselves. “He’s just too good for this world,” said one stony-faced fan. “They want him all to themselves. I know he can’t die like this.”
Makeshift altars have been erected in public places around the world as other fans attend vigils in Bieber’s honor. “Today my world died,” said Bieber fan-club founder Jessica Kim, “and no one can ever take his place.”
Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, “Trick” did not show up to defend himself from the haters.
ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.
Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”
Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.
Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.
Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.
It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.
Voting Rights Act Section 5′s Covered Jurisdictions, which are More Racist
WASHINGTON — When Wednesday John Roberts and the solicitor general questioned whether any southern concentration of racism was a rationale for Voting Rights Act Section 5′s constitutionality, cynics responded as though the chief justice was blind to a vicious national legacy. One American Prospect article — leaning on a 2005 analysis that concluded the U.S. South was especially racist — was redistributed through Twitter at least 300 times over a day.
The American Journal of Political Science analysis, aforementioned, “Old Times There Are Not Forgotten: Race and Partisan Realignment in the Contemporary South [PDF],” concluded “the regional gap in racial conservatism has not closed since [the end of the Civil Rights era.]”
The exchange between the justice and administration lawyer was in the context of a Supreme Court challenge to the decades-old Voting Rights Act, by Alabama’s Shelby County — a challenge on whether mostly southern states, due to Section 5′s “preclearance requirements,” should have to run voting-law changes by authorities in Washington.
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: General, is it — is it the government’s submission that the citizens in the South are more racist than citizens in the North?
GENERAL VERRILLI: It is not, and I do not
know the answer to that, Your Honor, but I do think it was reasonable for Congress –
CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Well, once you said it is not, and you don’t know the answer to it.
GENERAL VERRILLI: I — it’s not our submission. As an objective matter, I don’t know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that Congress had before it evidence that there was a continuing need based on Section 5 objections, based on the purpose-based character of those objections, based on the disparate Section 2 rate, based on the persistence of polarized voting, and based on a gigantic wealth of jurisdiction-specific and anecdotal evidence, that there was a continuing need.
Preclearance requirements mandate that nine states, and localities in seven others, get federal clearance before modifying voting laws. Under the challenged Section 5, localities and states serve in discrimination cases as plaintiffs, who in turn file grievances with the Justice Department.
At The Nation, columnist Ari Berman weighed in Wednesday evening, espousing that southern voter suppression attempts in particular were alive and well:
“[S]ix of the nine fully covered states under Section 5 passed new voting restrictions since 2010, including voter ID laws (Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, Texas and Virginia), limits on early voting (Georgia) and restrictions on voter registration (Alabama and Texas), compared to only one-third of noncovered jurisdictions during the same period.
In a possibly foreshadowing 2009 decision involving a Texas voting district, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority’s 8-1 opinion, “The evil that [Section 5] is meant to address may no longer be concentrated in the jurisdictions singled out for preclearance. The statute’s coverage formula is based on data that is now more than 35 years old, and there is considerable evidence that it fails to account for current political conditions.” As preclearance opponents argue that the South’s legacy of systematic voter fraud and intimidation is too far in the past for such stringent federal oversight to be relevant, what is clear is that state and locality requests for voting law changes have seen a steady dive, according to Civil Rights Division data.
The political science journal’s authors, Nicholas Valentino and David Sears, went so far as to suggest they were “underestimating true regional differences in racial conservatism, because of white Southerners’ greater tendency to hide true prejudices, and underestimating true regional differences in the linkage of racial attitudes to partisanship, because such correlations should contain more error in the South.”
ix of the nine fully covered states under Section 5 passed new voting restrictions since 2010, including voter ID laws (Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, Texas and Virginia), limits on early voting (Georgia) and restrictions on voter registration (Alabama and Texas), compared to only one-third of noncovered jurisdictions during the same period.
ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.
Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.
Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.
Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.
Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at 540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.
Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.
Will the US Airways-American Airlines merger, yielding a super American, cost consumers more?
WASHINGTON — Consumer welfare in the balance, US Airways and American Airlines representatives faced a House Judicary subcommittee, as the Justice Department weighs a merger that would see the two airlines become the world’s largest. While consumer advocates warned of increased airfares, US Airways VP Stephen Johnson and American Airlines General Counsel Gary Kennedy touted heavy union support for the merger, announced February 14.
Business Travel Coalition Chair Kevin Mitchell remarked before Subcommittee on Regulatory Reform, Commercial and Antitrust Law, “If you use the logic that you always have to get bigger to compete with the next biggest carrier, we’re going to end up with two megacarriers,” adding, “the logic is flawed.”
As US Airways and American Airlines currently compete in a Raleigh but not Charlotte, North Carolina hub, Representative George Holding (R-NC) asked American Airlines General Counsel Kennedy about Raleigh-to-Washington travelers’ future rates. If the two airlines were to no longer compete in Raleigh, he asked, “Do you anticipate that the fares would go up significantly?”
Mr. Kennedy replied, “Any discussion about fares or that sort of planning and strategy is something that’s down the road for us.” He said that airline fare discussions would take place “probably not until after the merger.”
In a letter to the attorney general and the Transportation secretary, Senators Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Lee (R-UT) urged the cabinet members to evaluate the American-US Air merger for Hart-Scott-Rodino Antitrust Improvements Act compliance, in light of past airline mergers. “It will be important,” they wrote Tuesday, “to determine how these mergers affected consumer prices, baggage and other fees, frequent flier programs, and airline service.” In 2008 Delta and Northwest merged; in 2010, United and Continental; and in 2011, Southwest and AirTran. The senators’ Antitrust, Competition Policy and Consumer Rights Subcommittee is set to review the proposed merger March 19.
Before the Antitrust Subcommittee, Representative Tom Marino (R-PA) shared pre-congressional professional experience in which, he said, he was told mergers would reduce cost. He then asked the airline representatives, “What’s going to happen in the first six months, in the first year, in the first three years [after the merger] about pricing?”
Mr. Kennedy said that the airlines “don’t know what will happen.”
“The airline industry is, as I’ve mentioned, a highly competitive business,” said Mr. Kennedy, “and with very thin margins. And that’s going to exist after the merger as it is today and that has an effect on pricing and what those levels are. And so I don’t know what will happen with pricing. We’ll simply be competing on price and schedule and future as we do today.”
Complicating weighing airlines’ respective costs per mile is discounts provided for frequent fliers and differing baggage costs.
WASHINGTON — Wednesday, secret documents unearthed from Andrew Breitbart’s trove of files on President Barack Hussein Obama detailed a long-term homosexual relationship between the president and one of his barely legal congressional pages.
Among the meticulously vetted documents, the president was caught writing, “I’m so sick of having sex with Michelle, and I’ve started telling her [my lack of interest in sex is] because I’m plagued by the fear of another large magazine clip killing a school full of children. She has no idea this gun control thing is just all about implementing the big FEMA plan to wipe out Breeders and Christians.”
The White House has condemned these documents as mere forgeries along the lines of “birther” claims, continuing their policy of answering to any conspiracy theory that might threaten their hegemony.
In another email, the president said, “When a Muslim becomes a senator, he’s allowed to be gay with as many young men as he wants. That kind of power comes with the turf, bismillah.”
Outraged Tea Party delegates have called on Oathkeepers, a group of hardline “sovereign citizens” from the military and police force, to defend the Constitution against the Gay Muslim onslaught, which has culminated in the election of Barack Hussein Obama, the Manchurian Candidate summoned from Hell by 10,000 demons and the sure sign of the impending apocalypse.
You’re starving, alone, and scandalously dressed like a Communist superhero, but do you eat off the tree of hegemony and find yourself trapped by its tendril-branches?
Familiarity is a result of sedimented experience which, when functioning properly, allows us to move through life almost without conscious thought. It’s easy to pay complete attention to audiobooks while using dangerous woodworking tools when one is familiar with the shop and all the various material manipulations that take place there. This kind of situation, where the body performs in a familiar sphere, seems to lend more power to conscious thought and amplify concentration. Other familiarity-building routines for the body like yoga, martial arts, tantric sex, and sports are often purported to have this same effect. It should be no surprise, really, that kinetic engagement with the world should stimulate all parts of the body, including the brain.
In complement of kinetic familiarity there is artificial familiarity. You may have read other works by me or, in fact, read this same piece repeatedly. I do change, but with enough sedimented experiences of this change, reading something new I’ve written would still be a familiar experience. This is not a bad thing, but I can’t gesture, smile, or involve my body in this exchange. Granted, we are both performing familiar kinetic routines when I type and you click around with your mouse, but these are secondary nuisances to be done away with as quickly as possible, or so it would seem. I do not use a pen or a printing press, and you do not read paper because these impede artificial familiarity. On the surface, this is fantastic because I could never afford to print as many copies as this site distributes digitally. However, something very pernicious is going on, worthy of all the scare packed up in the word ‘artificial’. At the same time as the divorce of the familiar from the body deepens, artificial familiarity becomes more and more superficially like kinetic familiarity. Photographs become colored, move, then become three-dimensional, and bodily sensations which seem entirely kinetic are produced just by watching 3d blockbusters like Avatar. The impetus for this amplified artificial familiarity could be found in civilization’s lack of intimate naturalistic kinetic familiarity, or perhaps it has got something to do with the dualistic religious fetish for that immortal spirit outside of the body. We have, after all, told stories for as long as we’ve had words.
Augmented Reality, referring to future devices along the lines of automated navigation systems, is perhaps an overly optimistic phrase. Rather than augmenting and adding to the richness of life, as the woodworker listens to audiobooks while at work, Augmented Reality seems aimed at replacing as much kinetic familiarity with artificial familiarity as is technologically possible. Indeed, artificial familiarity may go much further than that, at which point it becomes true Artificial Familiarity or AF–which is how I would characterize Augmented Reality. It’s not hard at all to imagine that a sufficiently advanced AF device could completely replace the human capacity to become familiar with the world, which sounds like a horrifying proposition, but the human tendency is actually to dislike and fear the unfamiliar, so a device that would completely eliminate the unfamiliar would sell quicker than the iPhone. In short, kinetic familiarity’s being usurped by artificial familiarity, and AF systems are working on taking that over for you next. Things may very soon be much worse than Baudrillard, Heidegger, or Marx probably ever imagined. Move over, Constituting Yourself, hegemony’s got you all figured out and you don’t know how much you’d love to finally know what it is you love.
INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.
AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.
The release comes as a shock to the intelligence hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”
As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.
Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.
Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”
While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”
Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.
Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.
In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.
Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.
All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.
INTERNET–Sunday, internet tabloid and subpar hoax-generating hate machine The Onion called 9 year old actress Quvenzhané Wallis a cunt in a tweet which was quickly deleted out of shame. Internet commentators did not mince their words over this controversial tweet, calling writers at The Onion ‘jackasses’, ‘morons’, ‘retards’, ‘niggers,’ and ‘cunts’. Feminist groups have been outraged at the indiscriminate, virulent use of this slur, which they say was completely out of the context of satire. A spokesperson for mothers against bullying said, “This tweet sets the tone for a nation of cyberbullies who are already tweeting out millions of c-words at innocent young women who will end up self-sacrificing themselves. Amanda Todd, our great hero, has shown us that there is no other way out. Either we must crack down on bullies or our children may die a terrible death, and that crack down starts with satire web sites like The Onion.”
These are the first rumblings in the Troll Crackdown, according to Trolling Expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. He explained how this new trend will end, “The mothers will gang up, opposed to trolls, but over time they will become trolls. They will converge on courthouses, legislatures, and executive offices with cherry-picked stories about how awful satire is, and the next thing you know, the mothers against trolling will have trolled our ideological state apparatuses into regulating free speech out of existence.”
KIM JONG UN’S REPTILIAN FOREHEAD DIMPLE INDICATES THIRD EYE ILLUMINATI CONNECTION CONFIRMED
PYONGYANG–New evidence links Kim Jong-Un with a cell of Anonymous North Korean hackers, reports The Hacker News. Kim Jong-Un was reportedly “d0xed” as a part of an effort to shut this cell down by social engineers who reportedly tricked Un into revealing his penis for the webcam.
Recent pictures featuring Un showed a pronounced reptilian dimple in the third-eye portion of his forehead, as Un’s hands formed a pyramidal symbol of the Illuminati. Un wore a pin which some analysts believe could only be the Official Anonymous DPRK logo.
Kim Jong-Un has written over 10 million zero days in pure assembly, and currently has a secret backdoor in every American Government and Utility Computer System. Un, using AnonForecast as his spokesperson, has decided to make his big push, releasing the personal information of millions of mostly innocent government employees.
Kim Jong-Un is also th3j35t3r.
Kim Jong-Un is a hacker and proud member of Anonymous DPRK