‘N Sync announces reunion tour

Boy Band ‘N Sync has arranged a tour of the United States and South America to kick off in the summer of 2013

INTERNET — ‘N Sync, famed “Boy Band” heart-throbs of the ’90s, have signed on for a Summer 2013 tour to span the whole Western Hemisphere. J.C. Chasez denied rumors of such a reunion tour earlier this year, and other members have made similar statements to the media in the past. It is not immediately clear what changed the musicians’ minds, but some industry specialists speculate the explosive interest in second-hand copies of their albums in developing countries may be a reason for the reunion.

Especially under the repressive dictatorships of Rafael Correa and Hugo Chavez, ‘N Sync is finding thousands of new South American fans every day. “It’s like the ’90s just hit Venezuela, and the kids there can’t get enough of ‘N Sync. Perhaps the lighthearted bubblegum R&B gives the downtrodden and oppressed a vision of greener pastures,” said Ursula Fulton, pop culture expert at New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development.

Members of ‘N Sync are yet to comment on the upcoming tour, but the aged fans at home in America are absolutely excited at the prospect of a nostalgic reliving of the halcyon days of the ’90s, when all was right with the world.

Hurricane Sandy Threatens White Communities Along Eastern United States

white-guy-scared-of-bitchstorm

Chad Lemieux fears the possibility of being unable to charge his phone.

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.

Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”

Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.

“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”

Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”

President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”

It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.

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Felicia Garcia pulls an Amanda Todd

Get used to the Teenage Female Bullying-Suicide Heroes

NEW YORK — Fifteen-year-old Amanda-Todd-Wannabe Felicia Garcia jumped in front of a train after vicious bullying, following her appearance in a football team gangbang video passed around her high school. The male members of the gangbang were greeted with high fives and mute admiration from school teachers who saw the video. Over 200 of Garcia’s classmates were present at the suicide.

Knowing, from the example of Amanda Todd, that her death would lead to unlimited posthumous social acceptance in the face of bottomless rejection by the repressive sex-negative culture of America, Garcia threw herself into the train with cold confidence, by all accounts.

“Just before she fell, she said, ‘Finally, it’s here,’” said Brager. “It was the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.”

This is yet more undeniable proof that a firm clampdown on freedom of speech should take place immediately. Young girls are going to start dropping off like lemmings because of this totally brand-new phenomenon of “slut-shaming” that never existed before Anonymous comments on the Internet. The oncoming string of teenage suicides has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the worship of Amanda Todd.

Violent J of the Insane Clown Posse diagnosed with skin cancer

Here is a rare photo of “Violent J” without his carcinogenic face-paint.

DETROIT, MICH. — Joseph Bruce, aka Violent J, founding member of the Insane Clown Posse, released a statement to fans Friday canceling further tour dates pending his recovery from skin cancer. Doctors say the cancer was caused by carcinogens in the oil-based “dark carnival” style face paint, which Bruce wore at home and for all public appearances.

Oncologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said, “Sadly, the face paint not only caused the skin cancer but it also hid the tell-tale signs of growth before the tumor became deadly. Violent J is putting up a strong fight, but at this stage his chances of survival are slim.”

Over the course of a year, the survival rate for skin cancer that has progressed to this stage on the face is estimated at about 10 percent. “We’re hoping for a magical miracle,” said Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp, Bruce’s babies’ momma.

Shaggy 2 Dope, another member of the Insane Clown Posse rap group, stated “I’m switchin’ to motherfuckin’ safe face paints from now on. All you other juggalos out there, spray-paintin’ yourselves ‘n shit, y’all need to get real. Clown makeup ain’t no joke no more. Woop woop!”

Fans of the Insane Clown Posse were recently declared a gang by the FBI, and crimes by so-called “Juggalos” now carry extra sentences in some urban areas.

 

Amanda Todd Faked Her Death

This image was posted by the Snobs at the New Yorker, in a serious-sounding opinion on the dangers of cyberbullying.

Amanda Todd never died; she transcended the mortal plane to become The Patron Saint of Internet Meme Suicide.

Her viral video, I’m sure, is a perfectly fair and balanced account of her life which spread like a disease through the internet only as a consequence of how true it was. Nothing suspicious about it at all.

In death, she is a sacred celebrity, the most valued of human beings, and her enemies are being punished. This can’t all be by design, of course. Innocent young women would never create emotionally manipulative videos. Amanda Todd’s salacious underage topless pics, which were oh-so-innocent, are more widely distributed than she could have ever imagined. She has both exacerbated and escaped her nightmare scenario, bringing a whole new suicide format back from beyond death.

“Oh, isn’t that sad suicide note video just awful?” Retweet. Share. Like. Repost. “Those bastards who drove her to post this video are to blame.” ~ The People Who Are Really To Blame.

You gullible pieces of shit.

Do you not realize what you’ve done? Now every fucking time some depressed, attention starved teenage suicide video goes viral, the millions of views will be a measure of how much you are to fucking blame for every girl who is inspired to copy her.

This isn’t even the beginning.

Amanda Todd felt “like a joke in the world,” and now she’s a bigger joke than any other suicide in the history of the human race. She’s died to bring forth the rotten fruit of social media suicide fame.

 

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REAL THEORY

Soulja Boy Reveals Illuminati Association

YPSILANTI, MI–Early Wednsday Morning, Soulja Boy announced his affiliation with the Illuminati while at a party with Lil Tunechi, Sabu, Nicki Minaj, Topiary, Barrett Brown, and many others. The new album “Souljanati” will explore his Masonic rites and explain the reason why Michael Jackson had to be removed from the fold.

Lil Tunechi and Soulja Boy celebrated by snorting a carefully-arranged hashtag-shaped line of the best Colombian Fishscale Cocaine, which they chased with a bottle of Robitussin. Jennifer Emick, the gracious host of this party and 33rd degree Illuminati Leader, immediately turned away all Souljaboy fans who didn’t bring her a generous offering of malt liquor, thus denying them entry into the Illuminati.

Ron Bryn arrived late, rambling to himself about Neal Rauhauser, and licked the table clean of all traces of cocaine. Later, he attacked several partygoers for their role, as he described, in “Adrian Lamo’s menacing Nazi sockpuppet network.”

Meanwhile, some guy named Shm00ptheGod had a really great jerk session and he didn’t even use lube this time.

Vote Looming, National Geographic to Exhibit Dubious, Politicized bin Laden Raid Narrative

WASHINGTON – The trailer for an upcoming film on the U.S. raid that killed Osama bin Laden inaccurately represents tactics and techniques, thereby overstating pre-operational uncertainty regarding the terrorist leader’s hideout presence. While producing “Seal Team Six: The Raid on Osama bin Laden,” which National Geographic plans to air in the 48 hours before Election Day, Kathryn Bigelow consulted with senior White House, Defense Department and Central Intelligence Agency officials.


On its YouTube channel below the video, National Geographic writes, “Don’t miss the World Premiere of National Geographic Channel’s very first feature-length film inspired by true events.”

To synopsize the trailer, as two men surveil from an adjacent structure the Abbottabad, Pakistan compound using conventional photography, actor William Fichtner — his character, “Guidry,” briefing seated intelligence analysts — relates that an al-Qaida courier has identified the location of a “suspected” high-value target.

As the trailer flashes to distant, blurry image from an unmanned aerial vehicle of an individual’s far-away profile, Guidry says that analysts have recognized “a man who appears taller than the rest.” A brief flash at 30 seconds — and again later in the trailer — shows aerial imagery, emphasizing the distance at which the CIA supposedly had to observe the target.

Then, a still shot of President Barack Obama and a voice-over together communicate that the president is staking his re-election on “this call.”

At 1:30, an authority, presumably a military official, asks, “So you’re still not sure if the target’s in there? You’re still not 100 percent?” To this Guidry replies, “A hundred percent’s hard to come by these days.”

John Young of Cryptome.org on August 6, 2011 pointed out problems with these types of hyped uncertainty claims as to bin Laden’s presence in the Abbottabad compound.

With emphasis added, most of note in relationship to this trailer are:

1. “A British newpaper Independent got the drawings shortly after the raid (a third floor added later). These detailed plans show the underground septic system for the house, a favorite means of gathering DNA and other evidence of occupants, as well as running sensors up the waste lines.”

2. “2. CIA has a slew of sensors to establish who occupies a structure, where they are located, what they talk about, when they eat and sleep. Sensors that read signals of window panes from distance, sensors down plumbing ventilation piping, sensors attached to plumbing and electrical systems, sensors attached to reinforcing bars sticking out of the top of the bin Laden House, sensors on drones and in nearby structures and heaved over and buried in the walls and dropped on the roof. Sensors in food supplies and medicines and clothing and vehicles. Tunnels under the house, piece of cake, water table not a barrier. Remote capture of emanations from electronic devices and video displays.”

3. “Not true that drones, [satellites] and ground-based cameras could not photograph bin Laden sufficiently to identify him” — emphasizing the proximity and size of the hill overlooking the walled terrace. The hill also overlooks the closed-in balcony on the third floor.

Hill Overlooking Walled Terrace, via Cryptome: Imagery of the distance and consequent operational uncertainty implied in the National Geographic trailer mislead.

Following up on Freedom of Information Act requests, in May Judicial Watch detailed the level of White House-facilitated Defense Department and CIA briefing given to the creators of “Zero Dark Thirty,” a topical Sony Pictures film Ms. Bigelow was producing simultaneously, including her meeting with the CIA.

In one of the emails Commander Bob Mehal, a communications adviser to the intelligence undersecretary of defense, reports to Defense Department Public Affairs, that “Zero Dark Thirty’s” writer, Mark Boal, had made overtures to DOD by saying that Mr. Boal was not interested in disclosing techniques, tactics and procedures, and that Mr. Boal “indicated that he was proud of not giving anything away in” the Bigelow-directed “The Hurt Locker.” Commander Mehal related that “USDI” — rather, he speaking for the Office of Defense Intelligence Undersecretary Michael Vickers — told the “Hurt Locker” writer that the bin Laden operation involved a “60-80% of certainty based on the Intell [sic]” and constituted a “‘gutsy decision’ by the [president],” adding that White House “involvement was critical.”

In reference to the larger-screen account of Operation Neptune Spear, “Zero Dark Thirty,” New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd wrote in August 2011 that the White House was “counting on the Kathryn Bigelow . . . version of the killing of Bin Laden to counter Obama’s growing reputation as ineffectual,” adding that Ms. Bigelow’s production would “no doubt reflect the president’s cool, gutsy decision against shaky odds.”

In response to complaints of “Seal Team Six’s” politicization of events, National Geographic released a statement:

SEAL TEAM SIX is a film that will provide our viewers with the first full length dramatization detailing one of the war on terrorism’s most crucial and historic events. It also showcases the extraordinary bravery and resourcefulness of the United States military and national security teams. The National Geographic Channel has no political agenda, and believes that audiences can and will judge projects of this type on their own merits. National Geographic Channel also has a reputation of getting inside access, and bringing big events to our viewers first — for instance, we were the first and only network to have an exclusive with George W. Bush for the 10th Anniversary of 9/11 (our highest rated show last year). SEAL TEAM SIX is a drama inspired by the real events of how the U.S. finally found Osama bin Laden in the network’s first feature film and scripted project marking the continued expansion of our programming. [emphases added]

OpenSecrets.org, a database maintained by the Center for Responsive Politics, accounts that Ms. Bigelow donated $200 to President Obama’s re-election effort in November 2011. “Seal Team Six” Director John Stockwell donated $250 to the campaign August 23. Those are the creators’ only known direct-to-candidate political contributions for the 2012 cycle.

Xzibit, of Meme Fame, to Portray “Mule” in “Seal Team Six”

Gangnam Style Touches Every Part Of Our Lives

EARTH – Gangnam Style has finally reached the eyes and ears of every living human being.

Gangnam Style is pouring from every orifice of the Internet and daytime television. Gangnam Style permeated American culture faster than you could hook a USB stick up to it via Ellen, Shoenice, local weather guys all across morning news and YouTube user holy-fuck-let’s-not-get-carried-away-with-ourselves-oh-what-the-hell-the-faster-you-can-make-them-the-better.

Gangnam Style took the world by storm

Gangnam Style took the world by storm.

Indonesian day laborers, Thai sweatshop workers, the American homeless, people in South and Central Africa have come into close personal contact of some form with Gangnam Style. Even Eritrean refugees, once forced by the government to spend their entire lives face down on a bed of sand, are now allowed two provisions: the continuation of life in a sand prison, and enjoyment of Gangnam Style in as many different configurations of which they can think.

Played in every bar across the planet, individuals who once chose to suffocate themselves with alcohol to escape from the very reality Gangnam Style satirizes, are now caught up in the number one PSY’Sssick beats of self-awareness-pumping Gangnam Style. Get all in that decadence InFiltrator style, and pump, pump, pump it up. And blow it down.

Gangnam Style

Gangnam Style is more than a style.

Gangnam Style is more than a style.

Gangnam Style has so fractured the spiritual world, cult voids that once insulated us from the vacuum of transhuman insanity are bleeding onto the pages of human history because they’re allowing Gangnam Style in schools. For some, Gangnam Style has replaced God. More literal translations of Gangnam Proverbs differentiate Gangnam Style from PSY, its creator. Fundamentalist Gangnam Style has solidified in the brittle cracks of the fractured cult plane and begun to infect the consciousness of world leaders.

The United Kingdom Parliament, for example, has been replaced by a mathematically perfect array of beautiful young women on all fours, poking their asses toward the sky. Prime Minister David Cameron’s new role is to stand over them, fixated on the boundless sexual potential of iPhone-hungry children just starving for exploitation, and to celebrate this bounty with caricatured renditions of Gangnam Style.

No one can really say what’s next for PSY, or if the Gangnam Style worldview is versatile enough to adapt to the shifting cult plane.

Dozens of Gangnam Temples have already sprung up across the East Coast. There is even debate whether to allow a controversial Gangnam Temple to be built near Ground Zero in New York City, for fear it could spark waves of ironic self-protest against the Capitalist agenda that control-demolished Towers 1 and 2.

TL;DR Those towers were meant to fall, and Gangnam Style took them down.

Sent from my iPhone

The Evil Hierarchy of Reddit Moderators

Reddit Moderator

Increasingly, all people are being turned into objects. This is more than a gender issue. This is the death of the Subject. Nobody has truly come to grips with the horrible alienation of Social Media. On r/creepshots, people have entered a sick feedback loop that we all know ends with ragdoll porn and sex doll necrorape fantasy. Sure it’s legal, but so is investigating the identities of the people who moderate it.

“What kind of person would want to sit around and moderate Reddit all day?” ~ Viciously Raped Sex Doll

Adrian Chen is a dickhead who constantly steals his ideas from Chronicle.SU, and Gawker is a piece-of-shit tabloid, but Violentacrez, a person who didn’t even take elementary precautions to protect his identity, cannot be doxed. Just because he’s your friend and he’s being attacked by a tabloid doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice the freedom of speech.

In this day and age it’s so common for meaning to be inverted by a small group of people who control media. Just look at the way Christians claim that abortion is an affront to religious freedom. Censoring Gawker in the name of freedom of speech is the same thing. Your bff, Violentacrez, might have been unfairly treated by someone trolling for tabloid hits, but is the answer really abusing your power to censor an entire media outlet? Why’d you even bother with the SOPA blackout?

I’ve had my run-ins with Reddit Moderators in the past. In fact, Chronicle.SU is banned from r/politics. By banning Gawker, a small group of people have ONCE AGAIN proven they are merciless tyrants.