President Obama OKs Plan to Remove All Curvy Profiles From OKCupid

“Nobody wants ‘em anyway,” added the President.

That people corner all the fungus in your frame

take it easy

I wanna live a life in vain

Make it women

god damn humanity vortex

You sit there with your fucking smartphones (smarter than you are), eyes sucked into them like a god damn humanity vortex. Is there anything more important than a fucking text message in this world? How about the fact we are all walking around in a motherfucking society?

“Nah, man. Nah, you see there’s this person sent me a text.”

Yeah, I get texts too and I don’t live to check and reply to them. I let that shit wait, why? Because it’s a fucking SMS sitting on a SIM-card. Why should I give a fuck somebody text me? You know what I do when I get a text? Options > Erase All. Because I don’t fucking care about your texts OR your phone calls.

Obama likes to Occupy Wall Street, if you know what I mean folks. I mean he is IN THOSE FUCKEN OFFICES REGULATING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER – just kidding, deregulating neoliberal globalism FTW UP IN HERE. WHERE MY BANKERZ @

“We’re right here sir.” Oh, good. Present thine penids so that I may sucketh thee.

Bankers present penids.

MMMMMMM THAT’S GOOD CAPITALISM! FREE MARKET SOCIETIES HAVE FEWER CHILDREN AND FEED THE CONSUMERIST APPETITE, APPLE PRODUCTS, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES, FLAT SCREEN TV’S, MOTHERFUCKING PLASTIC SHIT.

Fuck you.

Sunday Prayer for the Internets

This prayer is for all the thousands of visitors funneled into Chronicle.SU from google, believing they have found a pornography web site. Take your hands off your penis and kneel for this. When your family left for church this morning and you refused to go, we know it was so you could masturbate to Internet porn when everyone left the house. This prayer is for you.

Let us pray.

Hallowed be our Lord and Savior Inglip, director of cats and CEO of the Internets.
On this Sunday, make us strong oh Lord, for we have sinned.
We have walked through the valley of the shadow of /b/,
We have bickered with your followers on Twitter,
We have masturbated to your porn twice a day,
And we have streamed illegal content directly into our hard drives.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into Anonymous,
For thine is the glory,
The Power
And the Internets

Amen

Totallyfalse.info Leader “Done In”

totallyfalse.infoLadies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that our dear compatriot Nick Maccombs of the totallyfalse.info has abandoned helm of the fine publication totallyfalse.info.

It is my regret to inform you all Maccombs suffers from Parkinson’s disease, which is no laughing matter. Additionally, he has finally succumbed to a long battle with Alzheimer’s. Nurses close to the editor said he’s “all fucked up” and “pretty much done in.” Nick has forgotten his passwords to everything, and is no longer capable of going online.

It is with great pleasure I announce chronicle.su hereby reserves the right to the Maccombs estate, including the domain totallyfalse.info, as relinquished upon apprenticeship to Lebal Drocer, Inc. and her subsidiaries – [outlined in the Legal section of this site.] This includes all intellectual property rights and access to personal finances.

Let us pray:

Dear Lord, we ask that you protect Maccombs on his holy quest. We ask that you make all the dinosaur bones go away, so that people will stop pointing to Nick as proof of your nonexistence, Dear Lord.

As I walk through /b/ in the shadow of death, I need do no evil, for you are with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort and pleasure me.

Amen.

Amen.

All rise.

Except you, Nick.

Rest in Peace.

This message brought to you infinitely by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

As a friend, Barrett, please take a look at your life

As a fellow Representative of Anonymous and friend of Barrett Brown, I have been shocked by recent statements he made in regards to #OpCartel. He posed an open threat to the notorious Zetas, timed perfectly to coincide with news of a major book deal with the decidedly anti-Wikileaks corporation Amazon. While 99% of Anonymous clearly and categorically disowns Brown’s pet project #OpCartel, he works the phones day and night to convince the world the fight is still on. Did Barrett Brown forget that the Internet is serious business?

It is of course absurd to suggest that Brown should remain silent simply because his actions will put lives in danger. This is much more important than that and he’s killed people with Anonymous press releases in North Africa before anyway. He instigated the Arab Spring. Hopefully, this time an army of angry kids in Guy Fawke’s masks will emerge from the shadows, knives in hand, and slit the throats of Zetas with magic dox to steady their hand. Or, in reality, a few wild accusations will be made with questionable evidence obtained through illegal hacking.

Barrett Brown has already connected District Attorney Ron Moore of Asheville, NC with the Zetas. There’s no story. No evidence. Just baseless claims that Brown can only substantiate with stolen information he has not yet made public. Even in a world where rules are quickly changing, that’s not ethical or responsible. Rupert Murdoch uses these same tactics. As #OccupyWallStreet protesters chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!”

Brown has become the first person to ever post a will on Pastebin, outlining a confusing essay contest that will distribute his funds to Tanzanian villages via an essay contest.

Extra Credit:

Barrett Brown once recorded an argument with his girlfriend’s roommate and posted it on Reddit. In the video, which has been deleted, he angrily lists the publications that he has written for to prove he’s winning the argument. This has become his mantra of self-importance, repeated with a practiced swagger. In Anonymous, this is called a “namefag.”


 

 

 

 

Alfred Allwyn: Leader and spokesperson for the world

“I’ll go after that drug cartel and I’ll have more fucking money, glory, and pussy than a single man can handle,” he thinks. Alfred does a lot of meth. The book deal will buy him more meth to fuel his efforts in outing members of a drug cartel who are working with the Mexican government. Or perhaps he’ll just continue to make self-important videos talking about the operation. What’s the difference?

Alfred Allwyn is, in his own mind, humanity’s greatest writer. He was run out of the world’s leading cybergang after convincing the public that he was an important leader when he was not. Today, he’s come back with a vengeance. It’s just a damn shame that Alfred’s drug dealers are too afraid to do business with him.

“We’ve got the information on this bastard sent to your people. Talk some sense into him. He’ll do whatever you tell him to, as soon as you put the pressure on. We’re just as opposed to the cops as you guys are and we have no reason to white knight.” The outdated answering machine clicks and hums as it automatically rewinds. Hernando Alvarez smiles to himself. The cybergang hates this weaselly gringo as much as he does.

Alfred opens his front door, there are visitors. He ushers two enormous hispanic men into his apartment and not without hesitation. The bigger man asks for a glass of water, and when Alfred turns towards the kitchen the smaller man kicks him in the back. They are both on him, one crushing his throat with his knee and the other pinning his flailing legs to the ground.

“We’re here from the cartel. We don’t really think you’re a threat to us yet, but we were convinced by your internet friends. They really don’t like your big mouth. Open your big mouth so I can see if there’s anything of value in there.”

Alfred opens his mouth and the thug takes a careful look inside. Like lightning, the thug draws a knife and yanks a bloody tongue from the dark abscess and nonchalantly throws it behind him, accidentally hitting his partner.

The men leave with no further comments, their job finished.

Barrett Brown, Barrett Brown, everybody knows what’s goin’ down

Barrett Brown has come out to support the latest Anonymous operation targeting members of a Mexican gang that allegedly kidnapped and released an Anonymous member. Brown claims to have access to e-mails giving information on the Zetas.

From CNN:

Brown, the Texas man, said he planned to use a computer database to methodically sift through the e-mails he receives, verify them with the help of an experienced journalist and a cartel expert and then possibly release names — or entire e-mails — in small batches over time.

Brown asserts, “The fact that there are lives in the balance here does not differentiate this operation from previous Anonymous operations. Particularly those in North Africa.” Brown’s life is now certainly in danger, as he has openly threatened to play a part in exposing Zetas. North Africans might have been interested in punishing Brown if they weren’t busy fighting revolutions. Gaddafi is a somewhat more distant threat than the Zetas. Doesn’t Brown live in Texas?

No, his rationalizing won’t save him now. He knows it. Give it a little bit of Glenn Beck style fatalism, for spice, and take a drag off of that cig. “Things are going to get pretty serious in the US sooner or later anyway,” and voila. Another droning, self-important Barrett Brown video.

We contacted our dude in the Zetas for meth, but we also asked him what he thought of Barrett Brown. He laughed. The meth dealer had been a member of Anonymous ever since the #ChingaLaMigra leaks that released the names of all the officers who had killed his fellow gangsters in a recent raid. “Yeah I know Barry, he comes to me all the time for product. Where he gets his cash I don’t know, but there’s an endless supply.”

Zetas do not forgive

Zetas do not forget

Expect Zetas

 

SungYun67: mmmm yeah…u like that..mmm you tiny titless hot bitch..mmmm

Many years ago, in the days before Omegle, there was AOL Instant Messenger. AIM was one of many great places to find masturbating people who want to have cyber sex with a stranger. Participants in cybersex explore fantasies with random strangers as long as they know the secret answer to ASL (Age/Sex/Location). It is of course 12/f/cali

SungYun67: asl
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: 12 f cali
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: wana cyberz
SungYun67: 17 m i
SungYun67: il*
SungYun67: sure. is my age ok?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: yes
SungYun67: cool. what do u look like/pic?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: i have no boobs yet but im devloping still my mom says
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: sorry
SungYun67: its ok
SungYun67: i dont care about boobs that much
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: ok can i give you head
SungYun67: are u hot?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: yes
SungYun67: wanna describe yourself?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: i have a huge cock
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: wait..
SungYun67: ur a GIRL
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: no i have big tits and a horny wet pussy
SungYun67: u said ur developing…
SungYun67: just tell me the truth, i dont care
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: i want cock and im 10 years old im a freak ih ate myselh
SungYun67: why. dont hate urself
SungYun67: so, u lied about being 12, too?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YES IM SORRY
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: IM ONLY 10
SungYun67: its ok
SungYun67: is it ok that i talk to u?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YES CAN WE CYBER
SungYun67: tell me what u look like, so i can imagine what u
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: I AM TINY LIKE WEIGH 60 POUNDS
SungYun67: how tall?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: ABOUT 4’9Cybering
SungYun67: cute
SungYun67: blonde?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YEP
SungYun67: really?:-D
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: UH HUH
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: LETS CYBER START
SungYun67: what’s ur name, babe?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: MELANIE
SungYun67: whatcha wearin?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: my pajamys
SungYun67: what are they like?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: just panties and a big shirt
SungYun67: mmm
SungYun67: what color panties?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YELLOW
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: HEHEHE
SungYun67: mmm. thongs?;-)
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: MY PRIVITS ARE GETTING ALL WET
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: NOO
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: MY MOM QWONT BY ME THOSE
SungYun67: ok. -i bet your pussy is still hairless…mmm
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YES
SungYun67: so, u wont get in trouble if we cyber?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: NO THEYRE GONE
SungYun67: good
SungYun67: want me to start, baby?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: YES PLZ
SungYun67: *i come into your room, since your parents are gone. i lock the door and pull down the blinds. i then lay u on your bed*
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: will it hurt
SungYun67: no baby..i’ll be gentle;-)
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: ive never felt this way b4
SungYun67: do u trust me?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: yes
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: i am tuching myself
SungYun67: *i then hold u down as i press my lips onto yours and then opening our mouths to french kiss*
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: what does your penis look like
SungYun67: it’s big and hard, baby
SungYun67: didnt u learn what it looks like?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: yes i was jsut wondering
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: do somthing
SungYun67: *our tongues touch and we tongue kiss and exchange saliva. then i go down to your neck and nibble ur neck*
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: heheheheehe
SungYun67: u virgin, baby?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: yes
SungYun67: mmmmm
SungYun67: *i lift up your shirt and start to kiss your shoulders then chest, rubbing and then sucking on your tiny hard nipples*
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: that feels good do mroe
SungYun67: *i rub on both your nipples and suck on them as i kiss your belly. then i grab your panties and lift your hips, then i slip off your panties slowly*
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: oh god im tuching mysef
SungYun67: mmmm yeah…u like that..mmm you tiny titless hot bitch..mmmm
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: Who is this?
SungYun67: ?
SungYun67: what kind of question is that?
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: What kidn of person are you, saying these things to my daughter?
SungYun67: ?
SungYun67: ok, im confused. goodbye
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: I am on the phone with AOL/Time Warner right now, and I am going to have the authorities take care of this.
SungYun67: whatever
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: What were you saying to my daughter??
Rebelyus Pnk Grl: She’s crying!!

 

 

What is the Chronicle.SU?

The chronicle.su is what would happen if websites could have babies. It is what would happen if the Huffington Post had a four way around the world with motherless.com, 4chon.org and pravda.ru but we don’t know who the parents are.

We’re integrating like a motherfucker baby.

Herman Cain: Trolling America

Herman Cain

Herman Cain, seen here in ecstasy, releases a quiet fart before thousands of people during a Tea Party rally.

Sexual harasser and Black Republican Herman Cain bought himself Presidential Publicity last week in another spiky thrust of his fake presidential campaign, selling hundreds of thousands of books each time he utters the phrase “999.”

999 is a self-help algorithm designed by Herman Cain to prey on your weakness. Cain demonstrates all the political prowess of a true Tea Party frontrunner, including self-hatred, the ability to exploit any situation for a buck, and a distinct determination to sodomize the Vice Presidential nominee of his choice, provided it costs him the election.

But is a truckload of pussy and book money all that Cain hopes to gain by running for president? In his latest ad, an image of a man dragging a cigarette is followed by what can only be described as a trollface.jpg. See for yourself:

Hint: while watching this video, press 9 as many times as necessary.

Problem?

He squints his eyes and widens his grin perfectly, letting all of America know that they have been trolled. It would have been better for Cain, whose campaign organization is one smoking man, to not even waste money on this ad. However, top analysts of the E.W.T. Political Institute suggest Cain had to gloat in his own way about all the money he’s made selling books, and could think of no better gesture than to offer the nation a close-up image of his shit-eating grin in real-time.

Eli Wesley, Chief Emotional Pathologist at E.W.T. said Americans watched anxiously as Cain’s eyes softened from conviction into hateful fear before a deflated smile crept across his face. “And in one final boastful moment, you could actually feel his pain radiating outward, becoming yours.”

Meanwhile, in the real world, everything political actors do is satire in itself, of the system that put them on the stage. And that is why America is the greatest country in the world. We don’t mind politics being a glib reality TV series instead of useful policy making. Hell, this is much more entertaining. But they’re less like Justin Bieber and more like that house band that played out on the deck of the Titanic as it sank. Just plain creepy, but that’s only because it’s Halloween! See? Trust your government, America!

And for Halloween, Michael Moore is dressing up in blackface as Herman Cain, as he similarly has leveraged #OccupyWallStreet to sell his book, which is entitled “Here Comes Trouble.”

Sell the fuck out of that book, buddy boy. Sell it until your big fat heart stops.

This story is part 1 of a 2 part series entitled “What was the deal with Herman Cain?

#OccupySuburbia on October 31st


This video of police state brutality has created a nationwide grassroots backlash with more unrest to come.

On October 31st, millions of unsatisfied American families will march on suburbia wearing masks in a show of support for Anonymous. This march is planned to last from 7pm until midnight, and like #OccupyWallStreet, protesters can expect to be fed by neighbors sympathetic to their cause.

The Black Bloc’s violent anarchist tactics are expected by police, so many local departments have doubled their patrols. Should any of these anti-capitalist protesters come to your front door begging for a handout, remember that the police are only a phone call away and all too glad to fire a few rubber bullets into a crowd of uppity Marxists.