Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

Glenn Greenwild admits to affair with Edward Snowden

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

HONG KONG — Witnesses tell the Internet Chronicle they saw Journalist Glenn Greenwild and Edward Snowden “drunk and making out” in public before police escorted the couple back to a hotel room. Recent reports show Greenwild’s boyfriend, David Miranda, was detained at the border in London while under pay of the Guardian for muling Snowden’s secret documents.

Internet Chronicle contacted Miranda, who fumed, “If it’s true he’s been banging Snowden and putting me in the crosshairs to keep the Snowden story going for a few more days then it’s over. I knew Glenn could be a dick, but this is just too much. We do not have an open relationship.”

Glenn Greenwild told Internet Chronicle reporters with his characteristic malice, “David and I have always had an open relationship, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. I told him dating me has its negative consequences, and you wanna know the truth? Me and Edward have been sleeping together for a long time before Edward even worked at the NSA. I love Edward. He loves me, and that’s why he got a job at the NSA and gave me the files. If David really loved me, he’d be begging to mule more files, but no, he can’t get over his jealousy for Edward. It’s over”

The Internet’s Top 10 Top 10

Nothing brings inordinate amount of Internet Traffic to amateurish writing like uselessly posturing pieces of art in pointless lists which imply one piece of art is better than another. 

1. Top 10 Most Gruesome Torture Methods (Cracked)

Yet another banal walk through torture methods that everyone already knows about somehow seems more interesting when juxtaposed with descending numbers. This is standard practice for Cracked, the site where humor writers go to die. Nowhere do they mention the greatest form of torture, electromagnetic neuromodulation. When neuromodulated, not only do you have no idea who is torturing you or why, but you can be made to sleep or blasted with extreme pain at any moment. Do you have Narcolepsy or Migraines, or is the Illuminati targeting you with neuromodulation? Hopefully they are, if you write this kind of swill for Cracked. Top Ten Lists on Cracked would top any list of Gruesome Torture Methods I could come up with.

2. Top 10 Top 10 Lists (TopTenz)

There are a legion of people who get off of work every night and find the most satisfying way to wind down is to read top ten lists, and of course they need a central location that arranges the top ten lists in a way that they can best access — Top Ten Top Ten Lists.

3. The Top Tens (TheTopTens)

The Top Tens is much like TopTenz only not as good. Hah! This is why Lists are Awesome. There are hundreds of these kinds of Top Ten aggregation web sites, but the ones that arrange Top Tens into Top Tens are by far the easiest to navigate.

4. Ten Bizarre Things You Can Get From a Vending Machine (ListVerse)

This is a great top ten list because it’s actually an advertisement for stupid business ideas which will fail miserably. This is posted on an old-style top ten aggregation web site, which means it doesn’t list all of its top tens in one centralized top ten list, even though the site contains nothing but top tens. Get with the times, ListVerse.

5. Time Magazine’s All-Time Best Lists (Time)

This isn’t a Top Ten, and it doesn’t even number the lists against each other, so the lists are not in any order I can get off on. However, there are hundreds of Lists, which proves that even legitimate magazines now have an office dedicated to cranking out enumerated lists. If only they would get with the times and enumerate their list of lists so I could finally decide which one is definitely the best.

6. Top 10 Interview Questions and Answers  (About.com)

There’s really nothing funny or entertaining about this list until you envision an employer who got all of his or her interview questions from an About.com Top Ten List and hired only people who also got their answers from the same About.com Top Ten List. That’s how excellent businesses like ListVerse and TopTenz got started.

7. The Top 10 Best Cities to Move to Today (The Onion)

A rollicking and hilarious ride through some of the fakest cities you’d never want to move to. Or, if you are fooled by the subtle satire, these actually seem like pretty nice places and you might be slightly disappointed to find out they aren’t real. Trolled once again by the Cyber-Bullies at The Onion.

8. The Ten Best Top-Ten Lists (Alternet)

The author of this article shares the same point of view as I do but then expresses it like a goody-two-shoes and tries to find Top-Ten lists that aren’t what I’m complaining about. A top ten list of lists that may actually be worth reading.

9. Ten Worst and Best Foods (Center For Science in the Public Interest)

This list doesn’t tell the poverty-stricken obese masses how to afford a diet of Wild Salmon and Unsweetened Greek Yogurt, but a Top Ten list is exactly the solution you’d expect from a bunch of namby pamby activists who believe in changing the world with stupid propaganda.

10. This List

That’s So Meta, Bro.

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Canadian PM Against Human Trafficking Totally Looks Like The Human Trafficking Type

Stephen Harper has that look on his face | chronicle.su

Canada’s ultra conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, bears the resemblance of your typical sexual predator.

His wavy, artificial, parted hair shell – his coy, lazy smile and sloppy gaze, and his unbuttoned shirt and dad-glasses don Harper with the unassuming appearance of an aloof summer camp counselor, youth group coordinator, or varsity league football coach.

Regular sexual intercourse with young boys on the ‘whore boats’ of Lake Superior gives a man that uncanny glow, which Mr. Harper seems to shine everywhere he goes.

Harper, who stated that his government is “firmly committed” to combating human trafficking, was probably referring to the firmness of his dick for aboriginal prostitutes who, because of their marginalized positions in society, are offered no real protections from exploitation, but instead are issued politically convenient promises.

Oftentimes these people who are most against prostitution are the worst offenders.

Tyler Bass, Chief Executive

Many First Nations women, children and even babies are trafficked throughout Canada by the Harper regime under the umbrella of their own “protection,” similar to the Bosnian girls being trafficked out of their own nation into Europe and Russia by the UN peacekeeping forces designated to protect them specifically from that behavior.

Sometimes women are even trafficked across Lake Superior into the United States, author Dave Dean tells us. But mostly the Harper-sanctioned trafficking occurs within Canada, where his tyranny reigns unchecked through the alteration of federal documents.

“Oftentimes these people – typically they’re these hyperconservative types – who are most against [prostitution] are the worst offenders,” said Tyler Bass, Chief of the The Internet Chronicle’s Washington, D.C. bureau. “Like Republican Senator Larry Craig, for example: Craig of course was the outspoken anti-gay politician who was caught soliciting sex from strangers in an airport men’s room. You see this all the time in politicians.”

The Harper scandal is only just beginning to unfold, so monitor hashtag #harperscandal and stay tuned to The Internet Chronicle for the latest sensational headlines and more, brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This broadcast issued graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We Own Capital.™

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor's note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

Illuminati No Longer A Conspiracy Theory

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”

The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”

Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”

Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”

Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”

President Obama Pardons Chelsea Manning

WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.

As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.

Twitter Pissing Contest Shatters World

Dan Danwald's freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.

Dan Danwald’s freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.

INTERNET — Wednesday, secret documents reported on by the world’s greatest investigative reporter, Dan Danwald, sparked a rare outburst of dissension within the keyboard freedom movement. In a scathing blog post loaded with the fine writing of a beginner, Tob Tobson fired a shot across Danwald’s bow, rightly accusing him of withholding the documents at the detriment of freedom. Danwald quickly fired back, saying that withholding the documents actually increased freedom by preserving security, a common point of view of the police state, but Tobson was not shaken, even after withstanding hours of cyberattacks and trolling via the Twitter social media site.

Tobson maintained with indeterminate language that the content withheld by the Danwald could lead to a more informed popular debate, and therefore more freedom, flying in the face of decades of Baudrillian Media Theory and common sense. However, our editors confirm that the idea of changing the world with propaganda is the root of all evil and Tobson is correct in asserting that the documents should be released, although saying that this should be done merely for the sake of the historical record and the benefit of posterity does not win Twitter Pissing Contests when freedom is on the line.

This rousing and fanatical debate came to a crescendo when Danwald pulled his secret trump card, intimate sexual knowledge of the leaker, Eddard Snow, and his intentions. According to Danwald, Snow wanted him to keep the documents as secret as possible while maximizing their profit potential. As a result, Danwald and his big business associates have held back as much information as possible so as to keep the public wanting more.

In a second scathing blogpost by Tobson on Thursday, Danwald was taken to task for the odious Twitter Debacle of the previous day. Not only that, but Tobson jumped on all of Danwald’s most vulnerable locations, likening the debate to a knife fight. Tobson wrote, furiously, that Danwald wasn’t really doing what Eddard Snow wanted. He asserted that Danwald did not respect the spirit of Eddard Snow’s intentions, which Tobson is more attuned to then Danwald, despite lack of an intimate sexual encounter in Hong Kong. Tobson angrily wrote that Danwald only half-bakes his reports and does terrible things such as consult with sources in the evil National Spying Agency to “strengthen” his story.

Quoting himself in italics, Tobson accused Danwald of being an Elite with an unfair Media Monopoly on Eddard Snow’s secret documents and called Danwald’s Mega-Elite boss a booby head before promising a third and even more scathing blog post in the near future. Tobson managed to draw enough power off of Danwald in the encounter to amass a Kamehameha wave, but when this energy attack was released, Danwald and Tomson were left floating in space among the debris of the now-ruined Earth.

David Miranda unveils Loch Ness Monster Coverup

David Miranda announced the UK's ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.

David Miranda announced the UK’s ongoing cover-up of the Loch Ness Monster.

LONDON — After landing in Heathrow, Glenn Greenwild’s life partner David Miranda had his electronic devices confiscated and was cavity searched under UK terrorism law. Authorities accused Miranda of carrying documents that were intended to aid a terrorist organization.

Miranda held an impromptu press conference with Greenwild, telling reporters, “The files that I was carrying contained secret details of the Loch Ness Monster that have been suppressed by the Royal Navy for decades. The Navy has tamed some of these species of ancient underwater dinosaur because they are highly intelligent.”

Greenwild, grinning to reporters, narrated a slide show of official government photos from the secret “Nessie Training Facility” in the Shetlands, where the animals have been genetically engineered for salt water. “I’m no biologist,” said Greenwild, “but introducing a highly intelligent and potentially invasive holdover from the cretaceous back into the oceans might be something the public should know about.”

Miranda and Greenwild french kissed after Miranda told reporters, “This ordeal has only brought us closer together than ever.”