Hacked Justin Bieber e-mails pressure girlfriend into abortion

Our sources within SwagSec suggested that Gomez complained about forced anal sex in one hacked e-mail.

Early Tuesday morning, “cracktivist” group SwagSec released a pastebin of hacked e-mails between Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez. In one e-mail, Gomez breaks the news to Bieber that she is pregnant. It appears that Gomez is also upset with the state of their relationship, and Bieber suggests they should “break up for real this time.” Bieber then instructs Gomez to kill the unborn baby.

“also u should probably look into getting a abortion if ur really pregnant” ~ Justin Bieber, in an alleged e-mail to Selena Gomez.

These e-mails seem to confirm the recent rumors of a breakup between the famous couple, and SwagSec suggested deeper sexual problems. It is likely that Bieber continually forced unprotected sex on Gomez, preferring to leave her with a self-satisfying ‘creampie’.

Rage comics are killing Reddit

Well, I tried to declare the death of Rage Comics last week, but it seems they keep coming back to life in increasingly terrible forms. They’re killing the Reddit community, infecting all other subreddits with stupid emoticons and unfunny memes. People continue to tell their pitiful life stories, hoping that the trendy little stick figures with funny faces will bring an added value to the insipid narratives with the misnomer of ‘Rage Comics’. They are hardly comics, funny only for how terrible they have become.

This is the story of a butthurt loser who keeps making the same mistake over and over again like a full retard. I'm sure he feels really great, hanging around the parents of his ex while he suffers from blue balls because he isn't getting laid. This guy didn't spare a single detail, causing me to actually rage. I also want to know what the fuck that black box in the last frame represents.

This must have been a really sweet and enjoyable comic for this guy's roommate. Except for the fact that he really only made it to selfishly leverage karma points on Reddit. Oh, did I mention the vacuum of humor in this comic caused my bowel to prolapse?

Oh, I get it! Michele Bachmann's a retard. Somehow it's only fitting you've applied rage faces to her quoatations with complete indiscretion. Just another pitiful Redditor, desperate for Karma.

Well congratulations, you met someone famous. Fucking original, witty, and hilarious! Exactly the kind of stuff I want out of a comic strip.

Here is another example of hilarious humor in some random Redditor's daily life - except the only real joke is a witless reference to Fabio. Pro-tip: Sticking a "rage face" on someone famous doesn't make your comic funny.

Well, here's another example of a perfectly unfunny situation that some loser from Reddit has filled with references to famous movie lines in a hollow Seth MacFarlanesque attempt at humor. Before you make a comic like this, you should take out the pop culture references and ask yourself, "is this even remotely funny?"

Exhibit A: Redditors are unable to communicate with others except through rage comics.

Exhibit B

Without a doubt, rage comics are worse than they were last week. If this trend continues, I project that by the end of the year all rage comics will cause readers to suffer crippling sympathetic embarrassment and cry from the shared butthurt. Also, cocks.

Topiary Awaits Hearing as Speculation Mounts Hilariously

Ryan Cleary in Court

Uglyman Ryan Cleary exits the courtroom where lulz took place

Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.

But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.

Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”

Dolla dolla billz, y’all.

Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.

Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "bring-your-wives-to-work-day."

Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "Bring-Your-Wives-to-Work" Day.

“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.

“Also, cocks.”
-The intern

Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”

In  the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s  face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.

“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.”
-Sabu

Isle of Yell – Troll Capital of the World

“u jela?” ~ Jake Davis

On Sunday authorities revealed that Jake Davis, known to millions as the troll-happy spokesperson of Lulzsec, hails from the Isle of Yell. Etymologists believe ‘Yell’ may have derived its name from the Proto-Norse word ‘Jela’, which is the stock response given to any non-natives of the island.

Windhouse is the most famous haunted house in Shetland, only a few miles from Topiary's home. Legend says Windhouse is inhabited by Trolls.

There are many rich legends of Trolls on the Island of Yell, which date back centuries. In the 1880′s, local lore holds that a shipwrecked sailor of the seven proxseas used a saw to kill the Troll of Windhouse. Bright green grass marks the place where the Troll died. Some say that the spirit of Trolling still haunts the isolated teenagers of Yell.

Left with little else to pass the time, Jake Davis was apparently quite fond of online chess. Davis, obviously quite intelligent, assessed the butthurt of those who were jelly with the aid of a perfectly designed assessment form.

Nearly 900 people live on the barren island of Yell, so Davis may find the social interaction of prison life quite stimulating. Faced with no other way off of Yell, Davis may have only disengenously supported the cause of LulzSec for the chance to get somewhere warm and populated with soil that will support the growth of plants larger than shrubberies.

BREAKING NEWS: Presstorm Media Raided for Retardation

We’re pleased to announce that the Columbia Police Department raided Presstorm Media early Friday morning in an ongoing operation against libertarians who need to take their anti-psychotics.

AntiVigilante could not immediately be reached for comment, as a badass muscled cop was busting his head. Witnesses to the early morning raid, which commenced with police ramming an armored SWAT van through the back wall of AntiVigilante’s  mobile home, held that he could be heard screaming about “statists” and “the motherfucking gold standard.”

“Yeah man, and then this cop took oneathose extendable clubs and straight up rammed it through that fool’s skull. Shit was tight!” said neighbor Sean Hernandez, who commented on AnonOps IRC.

Chronicle.SU contacted the Columbia Police Department for comment on the random roundups of suspected seditionists. Spokeswoman Cori Bennett said agents “administratively arrested Blake ‘AntiVigilante’ Pierce as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”

Presstorm has deleted all traces of Antivigilante from their web site, under an apparent threat from law enforcement.

A response to /r/politics removal of self-written opinions

Moderators in/ r/politics have stepped up the war on bias in their subreddit:

“As many of you surely know, we recently started cracking down on misleading and editorialized headlines in this subreddit. This was done in an attempt to make /r/politics into an unbiased source of information, not outrage and opinion.

However, that effort is basically futile if nothing is done about self-posts. The problem with these is that they are essentially opinions, and there is no article to “fact check”. Their headlines cannot be considered editorialized if there is no factual background to compare the title to. The way the rule is currently structured, an outrage-inducing, misleading headline could be removed if it links to an outside news source, but left alone if it is a self post, which gives even less information but still conveys the same false ideas. This has greatly contributed to the decline or the subreddit’s content quality, as it has begun to revolve more around opinion than fact.

Furthermore, the atmosphere of the post is suggestive of one “correct” answer, and disagreeing opinions are often downvoted out of sight. That type of leading answer is not conducive to the type of debate that we’d like to encourage in /r/politics.”

In what seems to be an attempt to squash opinions that are not ‘factual,’ Reddit Moderators have disabled all self-written editorials. By posting a link to this article, I am defying this rule. However, I write for a ‘news’ outlet, so apparently my opinion is more valid than yours. I ask you this, fellow Redditors, what happens to the discussion in /r/politics when we try to surgically remove bias like this? You think it will really help?

The fact of the matter is that context is far more important than the presence of verifiable ‘facts. For instance, some describe healthcare benefits for teachers as an entitlement. Healthcare is an entitlement, and that is a ‘fact,’ but the use of ‘entitlement’ to reference the concept of healthcare frames it in a way that introduces bias. Now if I was to say “taking away health care from teachers is equivalent to a tax increase,” that is also a ‘fact.’ Yet those who describe healthcare as an entitlement would hear this ‘fact’ and complain about bias.

Tl;dr, bias is not in any way related to a lack of “facts,” but an inescapable product of the way we choose to describe concepts.

Now say we step into the larger realm of that which is unverifiable. I’m talking about Evolution and God. We can talk about overwhelming and rigorous evidence for Evolution, but the concept of Evolution is not a verifiable fact. It can’t really be proved or disproved. Similarly, there is no way to prove or disprove God. I know this may upset a lot of Redditors, but there is overwhelming and rigorous evidence for God, if you ask those who have dedicated their lives to studying the topic. At a fundamental level, there is no such thing as a fact. If you’re raging out at your computer monitor right now, look up Heisenberg and his Uncertainty Principle. The inescapable conclusion that there is no way to verify absolute truth is actually an excellent thing, because the moment we attempt to solidify our ideas into facts, they no longer have room to grow. If Newton’s Theory of Gravity was considered pure fact, Einstein’s theory of relativity would have never been accepted.

Tl;dr, overwhelming and rigorous evidence is never equivalent to absolute truth, and this is actually an excellent thing.

Finally, I’ve reached the heart of the matter, opinions. Presenting concepts without bias is impossible, and attempting to reach an ultimate truth is also impossible. What are we left with? We’ve got an endless string of ever-improving theories and concepts that seem to be growing at an exponential rate. In the world of politics, we call these day-to-day theories editorials and opinions. If we want to really embrace growth, we need to fan the flame wars and feed the trolls. We need to know what ideas resonate, and provide an echo chamber optimized for that purpose. By putting Redditor’s personal opinions apart from /r/politics in a vain attempt to weed out bias, the moderators will put the dampers on great ideas like mine. Here’s my opinion: We know the consensus of Reddit is not equivalent to fact, and we’re not all a bunch of morons and idiots who need your protection. If I can post other people’s opinions and political cartoons, why can’t I post my own?

Tl;dr, the moderators of r/politics are misguided and drunk with power. They’re possibly even trying to enforce their own biases. Also, I admit it, I’m trolling, spamming, and breaking the rules and I couldn’t care less.

Pierre Dubois AKA Topiary V&

Wednesday, Scotland Yard announced they finally arrested LulzSec publicist Pierre Dubois, leader, propagandist, statesman, and owner of many bitcoins. When arrested, Topiary handed the police “investigator butthurt forms” which they refused to fill out. Dubois was arrested in the Shetlands, while on the run.

Topiary is currently being waterboarded by US agents as they repeatedly scream demands about Sabu, Hamas, and Al-Qaeda. Topiary has promised to respond only with internet memes.

Pierre Dubois’ Legacy

Pierre spoke to Tyler Bass and me over the telephone on June 13th, and I asked him if he felt what he was doing was reckless. ‘Reckless’ was not a word in his vocabulary.

Pierre Dubois is the inventor of the social DDoS, which uses a Twitter account to crash weak web sites, simply by linking hundreds of thousands of users to the same site. Chronicle.SU has been a repeated victim of social DDoS, first on June 13th, and again on July 16th. Pierre Dubois was also known for once popping into a Chronicle.SU Piratenpad session, and social DDoSing it into oblivion.

LulzSec to compromise PayPal accounts

Today, Lulz Security announced plans to compromise the overall security of PayPal, Inc are underway. In a panic, consumers have begun to withdraw their funds to invest in food, gold, and survival supplies.

A stand-in spokesperson for LulzSec said the group hopes to garner personal information from the upcoming hack of the world’s most popular paysite. The motive for the planned data breach was not immediately clear, but internal sources at PayPal hold that old Whitman appointees participate in open communications about bestiality and the trading of child pornography.

However, analysts have suggested that LulzSec are shifting the dreaded Lulz Cannon to the PayPal accounts of millions in a last-ditch effort to gain as much funding for future Anonymous operations as possible before they are all arrested.

In a leaked document from US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Clinton suggests LulzSec is tied with Hamas and Al-Qaeda. Sabu stated that he is in no way tied to Islamic terror, despite the use of the Hamas insignia as his Twitter icon. Clinton said Sabu is also known for keeping photos of Hamas founder Sheikh Ahmed Yassin on his bathroom walls, where he neither urinates nor defecates, but “goes number 3.”

Cyber-activists have targeted PayPal in December over its complicit behavior in the suppression of WikiLeaks and Julian Assange. Fearing the kind of attacks LulzSec now promises, PayPal began working closely with Federal investigators two days after the first DDoS attacks.

In retaliation for December’s PayPal attacks – which were themselves retaliatory – the FBI is raiding every home matching the IPs found on a list of tens of thousands handed over to them by Radware, PayPal’s security firm and professional narcs.

Financial adviser Ricky Munichs, from the Chronicle Institute of Monetary Law said, “Until someone acts, the police state continues to protect PayPal from its own inhumane actions. For anyone interested in justice FOIA and politicians can’t bring, this is a godsend.”

LulzSec reported to us in an exclusive interview that this new attack will be vastly different, as the “Lulz Boat, with her upgraded armaments, is full steam ahead and docks tonight, among the unwatched ports on the shores of PayPal.”

President Obama confesses he ‘Fears the Beard’

Brian Wilson's powerful glare caused Obama to lose control of his prostate, leaving his pants full of a mixture of semen and urine.

President Barack Obama met the freakiest team in baseball yesterday as he feted the San Francisco Giants for their stunning World Series win during an awkward gala in Washington.

The Giants — known for their money, success, fame, glamor, and extreme homosexuality — marched into the East Room of the White House and shook hands with the puzzled commander in chief.

‘Then there’s the guy with the beard,’ Obama quipped as he nodded to star relief pitcher Brian Wilson and his bushy, foot-long-long whiskers and Mohawk haircut.

‘Underneath Brian’s beard, and the Spandex tuxedo and the sea captain costume and the cleats with his face on them, is also one of the most dominant lovers on the face of the planet. He gave me the high heater, you know what I mean?’

Wilson’s beard so delighted Giants fans during last year’s championship games, that as his pitches stymied the Texas Rangers, they chanted ‘Fear the Beard!’ – a slogan Obama paid tribute to.

‘I do fear it,” the president deadpanned. ‘I fear the snake in his pants more, to be honest.’

Also on hand was Giants legend Willie Mays, who Obama noted was just a 23-year-old outfielder when the Giants last won the World Series in 1954, still a New York team at the time.

Obama recalled Mays flying on Air Force One as they flew to the 2009 All-Star Game, with Mays on the flight as Obama’s guest. ‘I sat on Willie’s lap for most the flight. He has amazing genitalia.’

‘It was an extraordinary trip. Very rarely when I’m on Air Force One am I the second most impotent guy on there. Everybody was just passing me by [and gushing], ‘Can I get you something, Mr. Mays? A blow job? Rim job? hand job?’’

Next, Obama smoked a fat blunt with razor-thin pitcher Tim Lincecum, also known as ‘The Freak’ and ‘Big Time Timmy Jim’ for his shaved balls that whiz past hapless fappers.

‘America learned sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy with the deceptively large testicles, so you and me,’ the president told Lincecum.

‘The Giants may be a little different,’ Obama added, but ‘one thing they know is how to perform proper fellatio … They are characters with character.’

The team presented Obama – an avid baseball fan – with an autographed No. 44 Giants jersey and a team buttplug.

‘I want to wish the [Giants] luck the rest of the season, unless the White Sox are in the Series,’’ said Obama, a lifelong Sox fanatic.

What Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r have in common

Anders Breivik and th3j35t3r are both extremely conservative Islamophobic terrorists, willing to target any groups who enable or promote acceptance of Islam. On Tuesday, th3j35t3r attacked web sites and Twitter accounts belonging to Lulz Security in his never-ending struggle against Islamic jihad. Like Breivik’s attack on the campers at Utoeya, th3j35t3r has since explained this action by linking LulzSecurity.com with the spread of Islam.

DDoS attacks infringe on the fundamental human right to a free internet and can only be justified through the same twisted ideology that led Anders Breivik to kill nearly 100 campers at a youth retreat for the Labor Party of Norway. That is, the publicity Breivik and th3j35t3r hope to garner for their cause justifies their horrifying actions.

Another similarity between Breivik and th3j35t3r are their laughable and lavish methods. Breivik spent thousands of Euros equipping his rifle with a red-dot sight, high-end clips, a custom stock, specialized rounds and even poison to inject in the bullet tips. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r spends thousands of dollars on computer equipment he believes is necessary to carry out his attacks. We have every reason to believe that th3j35t3r is in fact a Mac user. After each DDoS attack, th3j35t3r treats himself to a three course meal in a high class restaurant as Breivik did during each stage of his bomb-making.

Breivik was also an admitted steroid addict, using the drugs to keep his morale up. He often lifted weights and wrote of his improving physical condition. It does not take a large stretch of the imagination to envision th3j35t3r, in the midst of a DDoS, lifting weights and injecting himself with a cocktail of steroids and testosterone.

Breivik enjoyed World of Warcraft, but it is more likely that th3j35t3r only plays Call of Duty, seeing as he’s an ex-marine. In all likelihood, th3j35t3r has killed more Muslims than Breivik, although each supporter of multiculturalism killed by Breivik counts as only 1/3 Muslim.