Take the Troubadour Challenge

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Real doctor

Sup fellow dudes? I bet ya can’t finish a single round of Civilization V in one sitting.

Hi, I’m Angstrom H. Troubadour, M.D. I’m here to invite you to take the Troubadour Challenge.

The Troubadour Challenge is an annual event held twice yearly, every six weeks out of the month. We here at the chronicle.su bet YOU can’t complete a single game of Civilization V in one sitting.

It is well documented that sitting in one place drinking sugary drinks for hours, days, or even weeks at a time, is good for your health. Lebal Drocer Labs produced data to suggest prolonged stages of sedentary near-motionlessness can have a hugely positive impact on internal organs and digestive health. The Troubadour Challenge is a fun way to improve the risk of cardiovascular disease while having fun at the same time!

As a reward to those who stay up all night long drinking Bosnian coffee and beer to complete my challenge, the chronicle.su is flying YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES out to into the hairiest war zone of your choice. That’s right. YOU get to pick which hot bed of violence we fly you out to!

If you can contain Gandhi’s nuclear army for 50 turns, pull off a culture-tourism victory and shame a civilization into embargo, we’ll even throw in a return ticket, First Class, free of charge.

You must document your quest using IRS Form 2553, keeping careful notation of turns as you crawl toward glorious victory, or embarrassing defeat.

You must make no reference to chronicle.su or Lebal Drocer subsidiaries, and you may not allude to your intentions on the form and submit it electronically via eFile to the Virginia Corporation Commission, or your results will be thrown out. Furthermore, by participating in this contest you will be subject to retaliatory litigation by our lawyers.

The Troubadour Challenge is a proven weight loss method. Don’t even stop to eat. I guarantee it!

Take the Troubadour Challenge today!

Dog the Bounty Hunter tortured and murdered by KGB

Dog The Bounty Hunter was captured by the KGB on live television and tortured, to the delight of Snowden fans.

When Bradley Manning apologized for doing harm to the nation, a legion of supporters who spent the past two years proving such a thing was impossible lost their minds. Before posting a torrent of grainy old pictures of Manning as a child, many said, “How dare you criticize Manning for apologizing.  He is not your icon, he is a human!”

Forget the Stalinist Show Trial and the cell tower neuromodulation mind control. It’s obvious we can’t trust a word Manning says anymore, so we’re left to grieve over photos of him as an incorruptible child. We ought to be talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. Didn’t you hear? He’s sniffing around in Russia for a billion dollar bounty on Snowden. Fans of Snowden naturally are not too impressed with Dog, but they are singing high praise for the KGB’s potential brutal torture and murder of Dog. Because, you know, fans of Snowden are fans of freedom.

But Dog isn’t really going to Russia, and the KGB no longer exists. Too bad, because I wanted to see someone opposed to Snowden brutalized on television. Maybe we can look at how Barrett Brown and Anonymous exposed many things that may have been as significant as Snowden’s revelations but never got the time in the spotlight. I mean, you can’t really trust those Anonymous pranksters not to stick some fake file in there when they’re already in your PlayStation ruining your game of Call of Duty. What would you do if you were charged with popularizing leaks for that kind of an organization? Other than spending a huge amount of effort denying he’s done just that, Barrett Brown threatened an FBI agent and his family in a set of videos so he could capture his own arrest, live on video chat. But of course that didn’t get him the attention that waiting a few months could have. Democracy Now and other unbiased activist news sources like Russia Today can’t mention that incident now that Brown is a sideshow to Snowden. However, Brown is just like Socrates, and to be clear, all he did was post a link! 

Forget about Snowden’s lost leaks on subterranean UFO civilizations, HAARP, and Chemtrails. Those are illusions created by the Elites, just like Bradley Manning’s apology and all of Barrett Brown’s threats and lies. This is just like the Matrix, only Real! Take a red pill to filter out the lies, but don’t be disappointed when you find out Reality is just a heap of secret government documents in a big tent filled with petulant, mendacious, power-obsessed armchair activists dying to string Dog the Bounty Hunter up and celebrate his slow suffering at the hands of Snowden’s KGB protectors.

Rush Limbaugh Endorses Marijuana

stoned

Rush Limbaugh says he used marijuana to recover from opiate addiction and now supports legalizing pot.

EIB NETWORK OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE — Controversial Conservative Talk Radio Mogul Rush Limbaugh endorsed medical marijuana legalization on his show Tuesday, and told Internet Chronicle reporters smoking the “Mary Jane” helped him recover after a scandalous opiate addiction. Rush pontificated in front of the golden EIB microphone, “All you listeners out there in flyover country, I know this might scare you a bit, but I wouldn’t have been able to make it through hundreds of shows if it weren’t for the benefits of medical marijuana. When I topped off my cigar with a half gram, all my tremors and cravings for painkillers disappeared. I was able to speak more eloquently than ever, if anything. And when I stopped craving the painkillers, I went back to normal cigars without any withdrawals whatsoever. I know this may come to a shock to some of the people out in the heartland, but Marijuana is a truly miraculous medicine.”

Rush Limbaugh brought Libertarian talk host Neal Boortz onto his show for a discussion about the flaws and merits of legalizing drugs. Rush took the position that mostly harmless and medicinally-oriented drugs like marijuana and possibly MDMA should be legalized, but Boortz pushed for legal recreational use of all drugs. Boortz, exasperated, said “We should be ashamed that we have more prisoners than any other country in the world, and who are we locking up? They’re all drug addicts. They buy and consume drugs. That’ll drive the economy as powerfully as a war, as long as we nationalize the production and retail of the drugs as we do with alcohol and armored humvees. It’s win-win.”

Hastings rumor of Hastings ‘Unauthorized Cremation’ Mega-Rumor Being False, False

False-300x198INTERNET — It is a known fact that Michael Hastings body was indeed cremated by the Stasi without the permission of Hastings’ family. Today, an extremist secret police sponsored internet rag known as WHOWHATWHY ran a story claiming otherwise, after coercing family members to retract their story and say “It was our wish to have Michael’s remains cremated.”

It has become obvious to me that the Hastings cover-up has gone further than simply exploiting Tor users with iframe-neuro-programming exploits, but are now combining their efforts with Lockheed Martin and U.S. Cyber Command to radiate electrical pulses utilizing the IEEE 802.15.6 BAN(Body Area Network) for short-range biometric manipulation, which has been done to me many times while talking to people whom I believe to be federal agents.

The family was manipulated by a PHYSICAL psy-op WHOWHATWHY put in place while manipulating their body-chemistry to be controlled zombies for the world banking elite. The government will stop at nothing to keep the murder of a Rolling Stone journalist a complete and utter secret. I say this now as I fear for my life since my family is being terrorized by Stasi tactics involving discoloured meat.

New Technology Threatens Way of Life

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Technology in general advanced once again today, as a small group of scientists lurched beneath a tree in the courtyard of one of the many research wings in the Los Alamos National Laboratory. A short man with glasses, known only to the Internet Chronicle as ‘Dr. Bill’, was scribbling wildly on his iPad 7, taking calculations and analyzing on-the-fly reactions of what they were witnessing.

After years of sophisticated research into obscure interdisciplinary engineering, the group known only as the ‘Trinquier Group’– inspired by French World War II hero and counter-insurgency theorist Col. Roger Trinquier — was finally able to breathe a collective sigh of relief as the results ticked a green dot on Dr. Bill’s iPad, irrefutably indicating success. The beads of sweat running down their foreheads immediately turned from subtle nuisances to non-existent, as a jovial cheer came from the hush, followed by a round of low-fives and hugs, presumably.

“What just happened here was something never before witnessed by anyone before, this… this is something we’ve dedicated our lives to and finally, we have achieved  one of the greatest advancements in science.” said another DARPA funded scientist, the groups official spokesman. He continued, “Our way of life will be changed, once and for all, again.”

Miles outside the lab, a group of protesters gathered as rumors trickled out of the technologies success, fearing that their way of life may be threatened. Activist Lisa Lithian, holding a sign lambasting the politically neutral scientists for their life changing research, said to the Internet Chronicle: “There is absolutely no oversight to what goes on here, what kind of technologies are being created that would possibly change our lives.” Unaware that the new technology had already begun changing the way of her life, Lisa continued chanting in unison with the others.

Senior LANL Chairman, General Hamfred L. Gorgeworth, addressed congress today stating that the way of life threatened by this new technology was truly nothing to worry about. Allaying the fears of the already altered public.

FOIA Requested Documents “Heavily redacted” Says Snowden

Famous letter from the FBI to Martin Luther King Jr. attained from FOIA request now found to be heavily redacted, says Snowden.

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden, grand wizard of leaking, was recently granted asylum in the USSR, ending his term as President of Sheremetyevo Airport. One of the conditions for asylum allowed by the Kremlin is that he could not, in fact, leak anymore information about the U.S. governments spying programs. Luckily, in a brilliant contingency plan set in place via encrypted “Lavabit” e-mails months ago between journalist Glenn Greenwild, filmmaker Laura Poitras and mystery PGP man Michael Vario, Snowden was able to ensure his leaks got through albeit by proxy.

In todays big reveal, Greenwild points out how Snowden showed through his years of experience as a mid-level systems administrator for various government agencies and shady contractors alike, that FOIA documents are often times “heavily redacted.”

Snowden postulates in a leaked Lavabit e-mail to Greenwild that “nearly 76.98% of all important information is actually censored or ‘redacted’-as they say in the military- from documents returned from FOIA requests. This is a severe breach of civil liberties and shit.”

This latest leak comes as a shock to the public intelligence based counter-private intelligence based community, who for years had thought they had been getting all the goods on government activities from their egregious FOIA filing. Recent attempts at crowd-sourcing automated FOIA requests have come to a halt, citing “extreme crestfallenness” as their reasoning.

Snowden Dead of ‘Apparent Suicide’

Edward Snowden

Some people might say Snowden was a hero. Not us, however. We hated Snowden.

Russian authorities say Edward Snowden was found dead in his hotel room Monday. The apparent cause of death according to US officials is suicide.

Edward Snowden became a global name in July following his controversial disclosure of top secret government documents confirming the supposed existence of a global surveillance program, PRISM, XKeyScore and other revelations surrounding the details of chemtrails and HAARP, the weather control facility recently discontinued by the United States as an apology to the Native American Indians.

Rumors of Snowden’s murder have already begun to circulate through Twitter and Facebook, although there is still no consensus around who to blame. Many patriotic Americans have already begun celebrating Snowden’s death by firing rifles and handguns into the woods behind their homes. The Socialist minority, however, staged a midnight vigil at the lawn under the Washington Monument.

Snowden’s death comes on the heels of an announcement by US President Barack Hussein Obama that the 2011 PATRIOT ACT is being dialed back, along with programs by the NSA and DARPA.

Obama made no promises to discontinue the global collection and analysis of Internet traffic, but said he did not consider Snowden a “patriot.”

Dog the Bounty Hunter to pursue Snowden Bounty

Dog the Bounty Hunter was recently arrested by Mexican authorities for illegally bounty hunting outside of US territory.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the hunt yet again, but this time he’s after NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden.

HAWAII — Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, announced plans to enter Russia illegally in order to capture fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden. Dog, in an impromptu press conference held outside Da Kine bail bonds, said, “Sometimes you gotta bend the rules to save America, and if I can catch this traitor Snowden and bring him back to God’s side, then it’ll be worth the risk of a lifetime of hard labor in a Siberian gulag.”

The reward for the capture and return of Edward Snowden has been set at one billion US dollars, prompting many bounty hunters to take the risk of capturing a fugitive who is protected by the Russian KGB. Dog was recently arrested and released by Mexican authorities for illegally bounty hunting outside of US territory.

When asked if he had a message for Snowden, Dog became agitated and began to rant, “Every Dog has its day, but Snowden, your days are numbered. Me and Beth are gonna catch you and bring ya to justice, the American way. If you’re listenin’ slick Eddy, the Dog’s comin’ for ya. You can run, but you can’t hide brah. The Dog has picked up your trail.”

Dog and his buxom wife Beth were reportedly spotted boarding a jet for Hong Kong, where the couple intends to search Snowden’s hotel rooms for evidence.

Veteran Journalist’s meat tampered with in home invasion

Veteran Journalist Vic Livingston has been systematically tortured by cell tower neuromodulations, but now home intruders are meddling with his meats.

Veteran Journalist Vic Livingston has been systematically tortured by cell tower neuromodulations, but now home intruders are meddling with his meats.

INTERNET — Like millions of other innocent Americans, Veteran Journalist and relentless information warrior Vic Livingston has long suffered from cell tower based “neuromodulation” slow-kill genocide and torture. However, due to his continued fight for truth even in the face of such overwhelming power, agents have allegedly invaded his home and tampered with his frozen meats.

Vic Livingston said, in a post on his Facebook, “We continue to be TERRORIZED by home intruder(s) who invade our house as we are kept under at night by electromagnetic celltower radio frequency weapon neuromodulation attack. I just found back in our freezer the discolored meat that I threw into the trash last night. Neither I nor my wife did this.”

Understandably shaken, Livingston has few ways to fight back except by sharing the truth on social media sites. Livingston finds it a constant struggle to keep his story straight, as agents targeting him regularly edit or censor his comments and blog posts. How much of Livingston’s reporting is his own and how much has been altered by agents remains unknown, but targeted individuals would be well advised to keep an eye out for spoiled and discolored meat planted in their freezers by gestapo like home intruders.

Researchers Find Link Between Tor Exploit and Michael Hastings Death

Underground Palo Alto research lab leaked photos via Ed Snowden

LANGLEY, VA — A mere week after news broke of an exploit targeting users of the Tor Browser Bundle was found and examined, researchers at an underground lab in Palo Alto, CA found hidden messages embedded deep in the exploits shellcode that could reveal a link to journalist Michael Hastings murder.

On June 18th, 2013, Michael Hastings car sped ferociously into a palm tree bursting into flames and killing the writer on impact. His death has not been investigated by official authorities, except by some of Anonymous’ higher-ups who have uncovered irrefutable proof of car hacking via a bluetooth iOS exploit. Anonymous also believes Hastings was on to something big, something monumental, something so outlandish he couldn’t be assassinated like a normal person.

Underground Palo Alto researcher Tony Kukoc elaborated on Anonymous’ theories with his findings in the Tor malware: “It seems to me that this highly sophisticated, military grade, bit-shifting malware was designed to infect the cerebral cortex of all those who viewed the hidden iframe, not only sending the NSA Tor users IP and MAC addresses, but erasing their memories of Michael Hastings altogether.”

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, Former NSA chief, Michael Heyden, refuted the Professor Kukoc’s claims while speaking at the annual Defcon hacker convention this year: “This is preposterous, only a foolish virgin would think such a thing were possible!” He then stormed off stage amidst a few shouts of “LIAR!”

Veracode researcher, Chris Eng, was spotted crying because the hecklers were just incredibly rude.