Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.

Confederate Memorial

Peaked headstones that mark the graves of Confederate soldiers surround the Confederate Monument in Jackson Circle. At the top of the monument is the solemn figure of a woman representing the South extends a laurel wreath toward her fallen sons.

Peaked headstones that mark the graves of Confederate soldiers surround the Confederate Monument in Jackson Circle. At the top of the monument is the solemn figure of a white woman representing as well the nonwhite South extends [sic/ aw, fuck it, y'all. Who needs to know how to string a sentence together? Military pay better than high school. Derrrr] a laurel wreath toward her fallen sons. [Photo and caption: U.S. military]

The history of Arlington National Cemetery is steeped in the Civil War, for it was this great national struggle against racist traitors that necessitated the establishment of this cemetery to bury its many dead – even though many of the dead had zero  inclination to consider themselves a part of this nation. We just decided to call them a part of this nation.

For many years following the war, the bitter feelings between North and South remained, which continues to this day in the forms of the Democratic and Republican Parties, now flipped; and although hundreds of Confederate soldiers were buried at Arlington, it was considered a Union cemetery. Family members of Confederate soldiers were denied permission to decorate their loved ones’ graves and in extreme cases were even denied entrance to the cemetery, due to justified fear the mourners would rally for insurrection, or worse, retributive genocide of all black people.

These ill feelings were slow to die but over time they did begin to fade. Many historians believe it was the national call to arms against Mexicans during the Spanish-American War that brought white northerners and southerners together at last. In that war numerous Confederate veterans volunteered their services and joined their Northern brothers on the battlefield in the common defense of a buffer zone for a white-ruled nation. In June 1900, going through the motions of national reconciliation, the U.S. Congress authorized that a section of Arlington National Cemetery be set aside for the burial of treasonous Confederate dead.

By the end of 1901 all the Confederate soldiers buried in the national cemeteries at Alexandria, Virginia, and at the Soldiers’ Home in Washington were brought together with the soldiers buried at Arlington and reinterred in the Confederate section. Among the 482 persons buried there are 46 officers, 351 enlisted men, 58 wives, 15 southern civilians, and 12 unknowns. They are buried in concentric circles around the Confederate Monument, and their graves are marked with headstones that are distinct for their pointed tops – so designed for their resemblance to the cowardly headgear of the postbellum Ku Klux Klan terrorist organization.

However, disinformation, peddled as “legend,” attributes these pointed-top tombstones to a Confederate belief that the points would “keep Yankees from sitting on them.” Attributing that line to Confederates would appear inaccurate, given that the Confederacy was dissolved of course by the time the tombstones were laid.

To further honor these the South’s caste-system devotees and traitors, the United Daughters of the Confederacy petitioned to erect a major monument to the Confederate dead. On March 4, 1906 Secretary of War William Howard Taft, in a hypoglycemic stupor, granted their request. The cornerstone was laid on Nov. 12, 1912 at a ceremony featuring speakers William Jennings Bryan and James A. Tanner, a former Union corporal and Stockholm syndrome sufferer who lost both legs at the second Battle of Bull Run. He was commander in chief of the Union veterans group, The Grand Army of the Republic. That same evening, President William Howard Taft addressed the United Daughters of the Confederacy at a reception in the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Centennial Hall, enshrining a noble legacy for perpetrators of human trafficking and genocide.

Chosen to design the memorial was the world-renowned sculptor, Moses Ezekiel. Ezekiel brought more than just his artistic talents to this project for he was also a Confederate traitor who voluntarily participated firsthand in the horrors of the Civil War. He is now buried at the base of the famous, patently offensive monument which he created.

The Confederate Monument was unveiled before a large crowd of northerners and southerners on June 4, 1914, the 106th anniversary of the birthday of the president of the Confederacy, abolitionist murderer and slavery racketer, Jefferson Davis. President Woodrow Wilson, star of white nationalist propaganda film “Birth of a Nation,” delivered an address and veterans of both the Union and Confederacy placed wreaths on the graves of their former foes, symbolizing the pretense of reconciliation between the white North and the white South, the memorial’s central theme.

Ezekiel created a monument rich in amoral, Eurocentric symbols. Standing atop the 32-foot monument is a larger-than-life figure of a white woman representing the South. Her head is crowned with olive leaves – the false flag of peace – her left hand extends a laurel wreath toward the South, acknowledging the sacrifice, for slavery, of her fallen sons due to “the increasing hostility on the part of the non-slaveholding States to the institution of slavery.” Her right hand holds a pruning hook resting on a plow stock, which she insisted black slave job creators alone actually use. These symbols bring to life the biblical passage inscribed at her feet – ”And they shall beat their swords into plow shares and their spears into pruning hooks” – and Jefferson Davis’ foolish biblical espousal that kidnapping black Africans amounted to “the importation of the race of Ham.”

The plinth on which she stands is embossed with four cinerary urns symbolizing the four years of the South-initiated Civil War. Supporting the plinth is a frieze of 14 inclined shields, each depicts the coat of arms of one of the 13 Confederate states and Maryland, which did not join the Confederacy but supported the South, as well as slavery, in the war.

Below the plinth is another frieze of life-sized figures depicting mythical white gods and white Southern soldiers. At the front of the monument, the panoplied figure of Minerva, Goddess of War and Wisdom, attempts to hold up the figure of a fallen white woman (“The South”) who is resting upon her shield, “The Constitution,” which dictated, in an affront to democracy itself, that slaves constituted three-fifths of a person. Behind “The South,” the Spirits of War are trumpeting in every direction calling the white sons and white daughters of the South to aid their falling white mother. On either side of the fallen woman are figures depicting those sons and daughters who came to her aid and who represent each branch of the Confederate service: Soldiers, Sailor, Sapper and Miner.

One of six vignettes on the Confederate Memorial.

One of six vignettes on the Confederate Memorial.

Completing the frieze are six vignettes illustrating the effect of the war on Southerners of all races. The vignettes include a black slave following his young master, against his every better interest; an officer kissing his infant child in the arms of her “mammy,” a title to which she is seriously referred by contemporary U.S. webmasters; a blacksmith leaving his bellows and workshop to construct instruments of death, as his sorrowful wife looks on; a young lady binding the sword and sash on her beau; and a young officer standing alone.

The base of the memorial features several inscriptions. On its front face are the seal of the Confederacy, which features a do-nothing white gentleman expecting others to work mindlessly for him, and a tribute by the United Daughters of the Confederacy, followed by the Latin phrase: “Victrix Causa Diis Placuit Sed Victa Caton.” This phrase means: “The Victorious Cause was Pleasing to the Gods, But the Lost Cause to Cato.” The inscription also means that today’s black taxpayer must pay to maintain the government’s claim that deities actually approved of slavery. On the rear of the monument is an inscription attributed to the Reverend Randolph Harrison McKim, who was a Confederate chaplain and who served as pastor of the Epiphany Church in Washington for 32 years. It reads:

Not for fame or reward [which is total nonsense, considering that Confederate traitors were fighting to uphold a caste system that they thought would prevent them from having to work as hard]

Not for place or for rank [other than, again, a desire to not be seen in a place as lowly as nonwhites]

Not lured by ambition

Or goaded by necessity [other than a fear of hard work]

But in simple

Obedience to duty

As they understood it [or claimed to, opportunistically]

These men suffered all [but not as dearly or as honorably as the abolitionists and former slaves whose lives they rendered into nothingness]

Sacrificed all

Dared all-and died


Westboro Baptist Church accidentally publishes gay pornography of Fred Phelps

This link contained True Gay Porn of Fred Phelps, and was tweeted by all Westboro Baptist Church propaganda accounts.

This link contained True Gay Porn of Fred Phelps, and was tweeted by all Westboro Baptist Church propaganda accounts.

INTERNET — Today, I authored an article placing the Westboro Baptist Church en route to Moscow to picket Snowden in a desperate, last hope plea for publicity. Few were amused, especially as the roughly forty thousands readers who received the article through Twitter were scraped from the conspiracy-babbling Edward Snowden, who is apparently so badly hooked on cocaine and DMT he had to sell his account to the Internet Chronicle, just to get a dimebag of shwag.

However, Westboro Baptist found this story amusing, and tweeted it from every last one of their accounts. With lightning fast reflexes, I replaced an image of Snowden with a real Gay Porn image of Fred Phelps, which has been leaked by sources at Anonymous. Finally, Westboro was caught with their pants down, and it turns out their Pastor and father was gay all along.

Margie Phelps commented, sadly, “Sometimes we wondered why dad always preached about Gays and nothing else. Well, I guess we know now. He’s been sneaking off to Gomorrah for a little Sodomy.” The Phelps family has been shaken by the horrible deviance of their leader and father, but promised to carry on the crusade of protesting funerals. “Oh, we’ll be protesting our father’s funeral,” said Margie, as the flame of God’s wrath flicked in her eyes.

Westboro Baptist to picket Edward Snowden in Moscow

Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.

Nude images of Fred Phelps engaged in homosexual acts were leaked by spurned lovers.

MOSCOW — Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Fred Phelps announced to followers on Twitter Sunday Morning that a contingent of Westboro protesters were on the way to Sheremetyevo airport in Moscow to picket Edward Snowden, a whistleblower seeking asylum in Russia after sharing secret documents showing widespread NSA surveillance of US citizens.

Westboro Baptist is widely known for picketing funerals of deceased soldiers with inflammatory anti-homosexual signs. In the past, Westboro has also attempted to co-opt Anonymous operations, and many of the Phelps’ propagandists have since learned that this is an effective way for quick and easy exposure, as Anonymous will retaliate angrily at even the slightest provocation.

Russian correspondent for Internet Chronicle, Dmitri Dostoevsky, warned that the Russian protest contingent may be in for a long stay, “Disruption of public spaces, and especially heresy, are not tolerated in Russia. They have been sent on a suicide mission and will get, at the very least, five or six years in jail after they carry out this protest. Pastor Phelps must be extremely desperate for exposure right now.”

Wendy’s unveils new hacker theme for restaurants

Wendy's new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.

Wendy’s new hacker aesthetic has critics in shock, but some are excited about a new look and the promise of high speed Tor nodes.

INTERNET — In a press release Friday, and after over four decades of Western-themed restaurant design, Wendy’s has unveiled what they call “a new face for a new century.” Wendy’s hopes this new hacker aesthetic will appeal to “the next generation of fast food customers,” but some have been startled by the shock green hair and borg-like goggles imposed on the iconic Wendy Thomas.

Below the controversial Cyber-Wendy featured on the new signs, a fully functional LED screen continually cycles through dazzling hacker imagery borrowed from The Matrix. Lime green pseudo-pixelated pavement markings guide customers through a drive-thru which now operates using touch screen ordering, a breakthrough that many hailed as a “game changer” in the fast food industry. Customers will not feel the same kind of shame when ordering meals if there is no human on the other end, so Wendy’s executives hope this will improve sales.

Wendy’s also promised to install powerful servers and fiber optic internet connections at all of its locations in order to run lightning-fast Tor nodes which may finally shift the balance of power in the ongoing struggle against the NSA’s nearly omniscient eavesdropping program.

Media Mogul Grows Abusive As Website Ratings Fail

Legendary columnist Old Brutus of the Internet Chronicle exploded with Rage Friday after investors pulled funding to the popular underground hatesite. His alcohol fueled blackout comes on the heels of reports “not even children were reading” his publications, according to information leaked by a Thursday hack against chronicle.su webservers.

FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.

FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.

Brutus reportedly knocked a hole in his office wall with the butt of a rifle after drinking himself into a racist stupor.

“Young kids just don’t like double-nigger-penetration anymore,” said Brutus. “They’re only satisfied if the girl is throwing up, crying, shitting herself – or doing everything at the same time; like this.” Brutus proceeded to soil himself, and vomited blood onto his trousers before crying himself to sleep in the arms of staff writer Frank Mason.

Mason said Brutus will sleep for a few hours but ultimately repeat the cycle of abuse and self-loathing. “But he’ll wake up some time tonight and remember why it hurts, then he’ll start drinking again. All Brutus feels is a spectrum of pain. His eyes have grown icy, lifeless. The only thing left in his emotional toolkit is abuse.”

Insider reports suggest no amount of death hoaxes or falsified celebrity nudes could possibly bring the Internet Chronicle into the end of the next fiscal year. The FY will bring crippling debt that makes suicide appear to be the only promising option left in the Chronicle vocabulary. Brutus has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but as bill collectors and hosting dues draw near, sources claim the suicide threats have increased in frequency.

Mason said he expects “a brief return to his old self again” in the early afternoon, when Brutus usually wakes up and begins a campaign of starvation-enhanced Civilization V domination.

“But for now,” Mason said, “we’re just praying.”

Anonymous hackers infiltrate FEMA camp servers

In defense of Edward Snowden, Anonymous has infiltrated FEMA servers to expose the sinister plan behind their "Disaster Recovery Centers."

In defense of Edward Snowden, Anonymous has infiltrated FEMA servers to expose the sinister plan behind their “Disaster Recovery Centers.”

INTERNET — In a show of solidarity with Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, Anonymous hackers targeted and infiltrated infamous FEMA camp servers. FEMA camps imprisoned millions of Japanese citizens in the last century, and some believe the camps are part of a contingency plan which will be used for population control in the possible event of famine or pandemic.

“They’re doing everything conspiracy theorists have feared. There are chemical incinerators that can liquefy thousands of bodies in hours and plastic coffins to contain the liquid remains. FEMA camps are hundreds of thousands times more efficient than the concentration camps of the Nazis.” said one Anonymous hacker.

Information acquired by Anonymous includes the names and email passwords of guilty FEMA employees and contractors, and Anonymous hackers will likely exploit these maximally to explore related computer systems, as they did after gaining access to HBGary. In the past, Anonymous has stolen money using similar tactics, targeting the especially villainous with endless pizza deliveries.

Glenn Greenwald’s top 3 terrible clichés

When he’s not out fighting the panoptic gaze of the government with Edward Snowden, Glenn Greenwald, the Internet’s best mirror-image of Rush Limbaugh, spends much of his time starting feuds with other journalists. He’s incredible at winning arguments partially due to his looming influence but is also excellent at a “death by a thousand cuts” tactic, in which he focuses his lawyer powers on minutia instead of a more general debate.

For better or for worse, organizations like WikiLeaks and guys like Glenn Greenwald are going to claim that they’re journalists and purposefully insert opinions, exaggerations, and fearmongerings. It’s the same magic formula used by Glenn Beck, Fox News, and Alex Jones. Leakers go to guys like Greenwald all the time. Everyone does it, so it’s really no big deal. It doesn’t make me mad anymore. I’m totally over it.

What’s bothering me now is that Glenn Greenwald has been half-assing it. Maybe he thinks he’s finally won Twitter and no longer has to try.

Glenn Greenwald’s top 3 terrible clichés

1: “America should be on its knees every day begging.”

I Wanna Be Your Dog, by Iggy and the Stooges, is written with much more color.

2. “Lying to our faces”

Our precious faces are on the line, now that the NSA’s lies have been confirmed by Greenwald’s gaydar. Hide your faces from the lies.

3. ”That’s not a threat. Those are facts,” Greenwald typed angrily, with his face drawn in malice.

Snowden unveils secret drive-by neuroimaging program

A new NSA program to drive-by neuroimage citizen's dreams is in its first stages of testing, says Snowden.

A new NSA program to drive-by neuroimage citizen’s dreams is in its first stages of testing, says Snowden.

MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.

Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, ”The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”

The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.

Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.

Snowden sells Data to USSR for $10 Billion

Comrade Chapman smuggled plans which were vital to the Soviet Union.

Comrade Chapman smuggled plans which were vital to the Soviet Union.

MOSCOW, Soviet Union — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker and expert hacker, sold four laptops full of the most secret documents containing, among much else, UFO technology and ocean-floor nuclear facility designs. The KGB, the Soviet Union’s premier security agency, paid Snowden $10 billion.

Capitalist leaders continue to lie in the faces of their wage slaves, who remain distracted by Capitalist media’s expert commodification of a backwards racial caste system, which has been in place for centuries.

The seafloor nuclear base plans have been hidden inside a micro-drone entrusted to Anna Chapman, the most famous female KGB agent from the USSR. She is romantically involved with Snowden, who has quickly forsaken his Capitalist family of Pigs and even accepted a hacking job with the KGB. Comrade Putin was overjoyed and used the “red telephone” to gloat to the effeminate President Barry “Barack” Obama and crack jokes at his expense.

Snowden’s UFO technology allowed Soviet scientists to quickly adapt SU-35 fighter jets for submarine operation. By analyzing the plans of American ocean-floor nuclear facilities, a single torpedo fired from an adapted SU-35 destroyed Capitalism’s greatest weapon.