Let’s see if this works!
Hey, what’s up fellow Dudes! So totally check this new diet I’ve worked out for the modern man. I even did some math and stuff to make sure it’s completely healthy.
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On an unrelated note, the War will continue.The man suspected to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq was found snoozing in a house in the Northern city of Mosul. The man confessed to being the owner of the long, unpronounceable name shown above but the military has yet to confirm whether or not he’s a lying sack of shit. There’s a chance that these men are trained to lie about their rank in order to throw off our forces, but that’s why they’re working on figuring out exactly who he is. There is a bounty on his head for $5 million so if they wanted to save time figuring out whether or not he’s the man, a guard could check on him periodically from outside the cage to see if there is shit all down the backs of his legs.More as this story develops.
Elf Wax Update [Editor's Edition]: I was right.
BAGHDAD — “We can confirm that we do not have al-Masri in custody,”Major Peggy Kageleiry,U.S.forces spokeswoman said today in an e-mail.Yes, that’s right, she sent out an e-mail.Sources say it was sent through the popular social networking site, MySpace, a Rupert Murdoch company.
You heard it yourselves.The $5 million man was not caught yesterday and what’s more is that U.S. forces believe he may have already been killed – twice – in the last two years, first during a raid on al-Anbar in October 2006 and later in the town of Taji on May 1, 2007 so it should come as no surprise, then, that they thought he was captured yesterday.Elf Wax Times Military Analcyst Harry Woodcock estimates that al-Masri will be “bombed, exploded, shot three times, and re-captured twice before 2010,” but Woodcock then warned that the man will remain “at large”.Military officials hail al-Masri’s resilience as “commendable” and are elevating him to the legendary status of Terror itself (the entity at whichAmericais indefinitely at war).In an Elf Waxclusive Interview, Major Kageleiry baldly stated:
“Despite being killed twice and now captured, al-Masri is still out there, like Terror, a creepin’ and a crawlin’, and a lurkin’ through Google Earth to learn the street patterns of America’s homeland subdivisions, so that Charlie may more effectively bring this War on Terror—I mean Freedom—no wait, I mean Terror, yeah, into your own back yard.You’re gonna edit that out, right?We’ll PATRIOT Act your ass!”
Until every terrorist leader, subordinate and grunt who may succeed his slaughtered Commanding Officer is eradicated, the War will continue unabated, or until someone realizes that shooting into the darkness at Specters is a waste of time, energy, morale and resources, and not to mention a failure in the application of logic to the art of war.It makes a country look pretty fucking dumb when it loses to itself in a war against nobody, standing out in the desert, swatting at invisible enemies before finally falling on its ass like a helpless drunk.But don’t blame the soldiers, those tough motherfuckers can’t help that their leaders are guided by tunnel-vision and fluked reasoning.Still, history has shown us that even a moron can successfully engage in war.Only a true fool, then, could take the most powerful military in the world and with it, break its master nation, the homeland, down into a nervously bumbling, on-edge State ofFearand Loathing.
This son of a bitching fuck-up in hasty judgment over al-Masri is just one more example of how this shit is allowed to go on.Either way, the message that leaks through the mass media looks like this:“We got a terrorist, oh wait, no we don’t, Terror’s still alive, we must keep fighting!” or “We captured a terrorist!The War on Terror is working, people.Remain complacent,America.The government is in control.”
When will you bastards learn to think for yourselves…?God in Heaven, save the Earth and bring on the Nukes, but leaveChinaout of this.All they know how to do is poison food.No, we need to Nuke something more poisonous, more dangerous, more contrary to human existence.BombIceland.
This is the War on Terror and expect more of it, Dear Readers, because our economy is not yet at its knees, no it’s only been whipped into a slump for now, but give it time and all that overhead swatting will finally throw us off-balance.Then we’ll really have a reason for war.The hungry will rise up, and challenge the guardians of what last little bit gas is left; gas that is now set to hit $4.00 by summertime (thank the gas companies for using the war as an excuse for added inflation).That will happen in your back yard, becauseAmerica is smartly, or perhaps not-so-smartly hording what will eventually be the last of the gas.So naturally, the safest place on earth at that time will be any small island, whichever is farthest from that crude shit.
On an unrelated note, the War will continue.
Two political candidates are fighting to be The One who gets your vote this November (that’s only a figure of speech, your votes aren’t actually counted).Of them, both are liars, and the third?What’s his name, Loser McCain (L), he wants war so nobody’s voting for him.If you don’t understand that, then look around you.We’re more at war with ourselves thanIraq.Iraq?TheIraq War?What a sham.
The whole point of it is to keepAmericain the throes of its State-Issued Nervous Breakdown of 2008, not too dissimilar from its counteraction to the Summer of Love forty years prior, except this time instead of Love there was Fear and nobody in particular is at the wheel of this negative driving force.
Of course, that means for you there is something like one hundred thousand reasons to hide from your own government because technology is being used against us as a means for control.The Feds don’t show up at your house for nothing, no they appear because they’ve been watching your activity.They know what you download and know more about what you upload, so watch yourself.Images, words, video, information, a war on knowledge itself is being waged against not only Americans but humanity and what is forbidden is a regional delicacy, much like snails in France and cats in China.It all tastes bitter, though.
Sometimes all I really want from you fuckers is the ability to piece together a reasoning thought, but you can’t really do that, can you?No, that’s why you voted for Bush the second time around—because you’re an unthinking peon of the servant masses who is so easily swayed by the messages mass media is shoving down your throats that maybe you think it tastes good to act in favor of what the “adults” are doing.Well, I’ve got news for you kids, bad fucking news (but what does that mean? Good news is news too, right? Yeah, get a grip you tool) and it’s about some shit you aren’t willing to understand; think about this election right now.Really think about what the candidates mean to you.What’s the difference in John McCain and Barack Obama, and why aren’t people making more jokes about these losers?Is it because the political machine has managed to elude even the highest form of humor?Is this the Bible Incarnate?Far from it, but it may still yet be a signal of the apocalypse, if you consider the implications of any of these political jokers and compare it to your own basis for reason, which may or may not hinge on the conditional truth of a Sunday Hour Fairy Tale, brought to you by the Southern Baptists and Pedophile Catholics.This just in, you’re a whore.
So what do they mean to us, Galloway?Enlighten your readers.Well, that choice is yours.Wal-Mart or K-Mart?Sheetz or the WaWa?Constriction, or the Illusion of Freedom?Forget the Republican.People are sick of the GOP.If he gets elected, well we can go ahead and prepare for the freezing over of the Old Testament realization of Hell and settle in for a long Nuclear Winter.Buy canned spinach.So now you have a choice between someone who’s going to baldly lie to your face because you expect a little “politicking” from your elected leader (that’s how you know they’re doing their damn jobs), or someone who is going to lead you down a dead-end path of contrived forced progressivism.The choice is yours.Most of you have already voted.My sources are telling me you voted as I knew you would, and for your own sake probably should, so at this point I can only offer my apologies on behalf of the system that has failed us all again.If I had anything to do with it, you can bet your ass I’d write a very loud-mouthed bill that would not even be considered for a legitimate proposal and subsequent vote before the House or Congress – but we all know that as an institution they too have failed us and the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches are so out of whack that the poison is visibly oozing from them – internet porn rings, pedophilia, whorehouses, gay bathhouses – all part of the Washington Routine that you read about every week in the Post.But fuck pretending to be the president for your own crippled speculation. Oh, what the Hell, if I were president, I’d deactivate the nationally accredited police force and let the cannibals, thieves, dope fiends, degenerates, plane hijackers, murderers, rapists, junkies, and local state representatives pick your fucking bones clean because I despise you as a people, as a nation, as a fifty-year-old man sucking on his mother’s tits, because you’re a failure of an overweight Nation and you’re even a failure as a complacent people, and you’re a failure as a society, and you need to be brought down off that fucking high horse you’ve been trouncing around on since you discovered higher levels of consciousness behind the peel-off-and-win Burger King cup.
Getting back to my point:I loathe your existence.Your presence is poison.But here you’ll always be, populating this Fair Country, nodding in agreement to Dr. Phil and Judge Joe Brown, wishing more people were like Oprah, and guffawing at the atrocities CNN occasionally shows taking place in countries like Sudan and North Korea only to forget about it when your chunky butterball wife pulls another burned pot roast out of the oven in hopes that it makes your dick just hard enough to slide into her arid, sticky vagina long enough to deposit your Pepsi-ridden seed before falling flaccid at the sudden awareness of what you truly are in that orgasmic moment of painful, anus-itching realization that life, and indeed control over your life snuck away when you weren’t looking.
But either candidate can and indefinitely will ensure continuance of the aforementioned lifestyle.So go on.Fear and Ignorance is on the ticket. Vote for it.
WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He went on to tell reporters at The EWT that they will be slapped across the wrists by public officials, figuratively, and then crucified by community service. The community is busy congratulating itself on how great it is.
Every student who bought marijuana from these kids benefited in mind and body by choosing not to wreck their brain, their memory, their liver, and their entire digestive system with a case of cheap beer. Instead, they took one puff of the good stuff and ate some Flaming Amy’s. Undercover Officer Rick Deckard said “Every time I bust a stoner, I tell myself, ‘they’re just androids,’ but I know they really contain a conscious mind, albeit different from my own.” Of course, since Rick is just a character from Blade Runner, all undercover cops who made a buck off of marijuana are no better than the students involved.
UNCW remains a campus full of mostly-drunken raving morons who are glad to see the harmless punished because of minor disagreements about recreational drug use. The state attorney’s office has issued marijuana possession charges to all people stating an opposing position because that is enough evidence. All such cases are already closed, defendants guilty, and Sheriffs busy collecting the convicts.
Lakeland, Florida—Six malcontent teenage girls became popular yesterday – as per their goal, when they were filmed beating up best friend Victoria Lindsay and the video was subsequently uploaded to YouTube, a popular video sharing website on the Internet, a series of tubes used to connect telecom customers to a World Wide Web of pornography and jailbait videos such as this one.
In the video they can be seen increasing in popularity because you’re watching it.The victim is seen being beaten, punched in the face and having her head slammed heavily into a wall, all the while whining, screaming and complaining in astonishment that people would rise to a challenge.
Since filming the video, the popularity of the high school girl who slammed the victim’s head into the wall has soared tremendously, and even though the girls responsible for face detail could not clearly be seen throughout the entirety of the production, three of them are alleged to have “made some more friends,” whereas the female holding the camera has since received little public recognition for the reason that her face is visible only to the imagination.Throughout the journalism community, she is hailed for her courage in the line of duty and some photojournalists are citing this camerawoman’s badge of honor in place of any superficial fame; however, she has already expressed that the sacrifice of her own popularity is “worth it” in light of the purportedly higher popularity ratio of her friends, and the nationwide attention her video has received.
“I consider it a sacrifice to a good cause,” the teenager, who can not be named for legal reasons (but will be anyway) shared in an Elf Waxclusive Interview.“A lot of people take film seriously,” April Cooper explains, “but I just like filmin’ people gettin’ beat up on.”The mother of 14-year-old April “Fool’s” Cooper (as she’s now known in juvenile hall) feels differently. Mrs. Cooper expressed deep regret for her daughter’s actions when she heard she was to be tried as an adult, yet would gain little to almost no popularity at school.“It’s a God [dam] disgrace to social injustice inAmerica,” the woman exclaimed from within the bowels of her inaccessible trailer.“My daughter’s the reason that little strumpet’s famous, why ain’t we gettin’ no [royalties]?”
Expert anal lists have pieced together this composite sketch of what the heroic April “Fool’s” Cooper is thought to look like:
Forensic scientists say the steady gaze of a seasoned eye accounts for April’s natural ability to videotape violence.
The six females had two potent young men standing look-out in the front yard, “in case any do-gooders showed up,” says Mercades Nichols, one of the popular girls who beat upVictoria.Some thoughtful sympathizers have been leaving funny messages on Ms. Nichols’ phone which then got into the hands of Greta Van Sustren, a common whore who out of pity was given a primetime TV show onFOXNews.Also, plans could be heard through two separate voicemails, in which each male could be heard offering his services as a front-door bouncer, as long as Mercades “put out” (at which point each man promised courteously to “pull out”) – oddly enough, the same favor was requested by both men, indicating a premeditated scheme of cocktease and manipulation leading up to their shared duty as bouncers at the front door of a house where a 16-year-old girl was getting her ass kicked.
“When I showed up at the house, and I saw Zach [Ashley] there, I flipped,” says one of the unidentified boys.His name could not be obtained because he was “about to have a conniption.”
Elf Wax Update: the boy’s name has been confirmed as Stephen Schumaker.
It is believed that the beatdown issued to Ms. Lindsay was not unprovoked, however.Now surfacing are claims of alleged “MySpace drama”, involving name-calling and accusations that the assailants are “bustas” – a word indicating they would not fight Lindsay because “they are too scared.”One of the bulletins read as follows:“NUH UH THEM BITCHES AINT NO WHAT IM ABOUT WHAT THEY GON DO?WHAT THEM BUSTAS GON DOCUZTHEM BITCHES AINT SHIT [but] MOTHAFUCKIN NIGGA-ASS HOS!”In the hospital,Victoriawithdrew her remarks, citing a concussion and disabled vision as reasons for her spineless backpeddling.It is categorically assumed then, that it was not such a wise idea to publicly call out some trashy white girls with something to prove, because according toFOXNews, “their skin might be white, but their soul is blacker than night.”
Elf Wax Update [Editor's Edition]: Truth-Time, Dear Readers, I fabricated the ALL CAPS LOCK quote used in the previous paragraph because I did not think I would have access to a real quote like it. Note: I completely made it up.
Here is the actual quote, taken straight from Mercades’ myspace bulletin: “TO ALL OF YOU HATIN BITCH ASS NIGGAS SENDING ME BULLSHIT HATE MAIL…FUUUCK YOU. ILL BEAT YO ASS TO! BRING IT BITCHES DONT BE JUST SAYIN IT! AND IF YOU GOT SHIT TO SAY TO MY MOTHER THEN FUCKIN SAY IT TO HER. SHELL KICK YOUR ASS TO!” My sincerest apologies; I was so far off the mark on this one.
All eight adults involved are being charged with assault, false imprisonment, or both while the minors await juvenile sentencing.Top lawmakers are now calling for the establishment of an anti-MySpace-whoring motion in connection to an eHarassment and eBullying bill already passing through Congress.The victim is reportedly being harassed via telephone, MySpace, and emails; however, her father welcomes the attacks because he lives vicariously through his ‘ghettofied’ (street slang for darkening) daughter in the perverted, piss-soaked panty-sniffing nightmare that his life has become.
PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced any portion or outcome of the meaningless Tibetan struggle for whatever it is they want.
Though the running of the Olympic Torch is a long-standing tradition that has significant meaning to many individuals, expert scientists at the LIT have stated that in no way does the torch or its flame have any power to end any conflicts whatsoever, especially those between conflicting nations.
In a press release yesterday, Steve Zillwiger, head of research at the LIT, stated “It is completely [depletive exleted] ridiculous that anyone in their right mind would think that by extinguishing a small symbolic flame, they can solve all of a country’s problems, especially a small irrelevant country like Tibet. What’s next, standing in front of army tanks? ” Zillwiger was also heard muttering, “If whining was an Olympic sport, these [protesters] would undoubtedly take home the gold.”
On Tuesday in San Francisco, a city nowhere even remotely close to Tibet, the Olympic Torch was met with many protesters, some whom even climbed the Golden Gate Bridge to beg for attention. San Francisco native, Danny McDermott, 25, commented, “Yeah, ever since Full House ended, it’s like people feel the need to draw as much attention possible to themselves, whether it be drum circles, not showering, hacky-sacking, playing acoustic guitars in public places, or driving Hybrid [vehicles]. Also they seem to like the number two a lot.” McDermott then raised two fingers in a V-like shape. He also added, “It’s actually a lot like Africa when you think about it, but instead of food, people here are starved for attention.”
UPDATE: In an Elf Waxclusive news story, the EWT has just uncovered information that the Olympic Ceremonies in Beijing have been cancelled and instead been moved to the safer and more neutral location of the Gaza Strip. Sources say this move is for the better and should finally “shut up those wannabe-Tibetan whiners.” Resultingly, the Olympic Committee has already been praised for their swift yet effective thinking.
Pop these suckers in your oven while you think of doing the same to the French bastards who invented them. Eat them all in one sitting, it’s a free country. Fry them in oil if you’re a real American, and let them get done right so the fuckers really get drenched in that delicious trans-fatty digestion nightmare. Jesus may have died for your sins, but False Liberty Fries died for your stomach. Who the fuck cares about sins anyway, when you have False Liberty Fries.
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