“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Take the Troubadour Challenge

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Real doctor

Sup fellow dudes? I bet ya can’t finish a single round of Civilization V in one sitting.

Hi, I’m Angstrom H. Troubadour, M.D. I’m here to invite you to take the Troubadour Challenge.

The Troubadour Challenge is an annual event held twice yearly, every six weeks out of the month. We here at the chronicle.su bet YOU can’t complete a single game of Civilization V in one sitting.

It is well documented that sitting in one place drinking sugary drinks for hours, days, or even weeks at a time, is good for your health. Lebal Drocer Labs produced data to suggest prolonged stages of sedentary near-motionlessness can have a hugely positive impact on internal organs and digestive health. The Troubadour Challenge is a fun way to improve the risk of cardiovascular disease while having fun at the same time!

As a reward to those who stay up all night long drinking Bosnian coffee and beer to complete my challenge, the chronicle.su is flying YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES out to into the hairiest war zone of your choice. That’s right. YOU get to pick which hot bed of violence we fly you out to!

If you can contain Gandhi’s nuclear army for 50 turns, pull off a culture-tourism victory and shame a civilization into embargo, we’ll even throw in a return ticket, First Class, free of charge.

You must document your quest using IRS Form 2553, keeping careful notation of turns as you crawl toward glorious victory, or embarrassing defeat.

You must make no reference to chronicle.su or Lebal Drocer subsidiaries, and you may not allude to your intentions on the form and submit it electronically via eFile to the Virginia Corporation Commission, or your results will be thrown out. Furthermore, by participating in this contest you will be subject to retaliatory litigation by our lawyers.

The Troubadour Challenge is a proven weight loss method. Don’t even stop to eat. I guarantee it!

Take the Troubadour Challenge today!

Snowden unveils Sewer Drone drug surveillance program

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would "cut to the chase."

Snowden flew into a rage at the lack of response to recent NSA revelations and said he would “cut to the chase” with disclosure of the secret Sewer Drone program.

MOSCOW — Sunday afternoon, Snowden once again stunned Americans with information about a secret NSA Sewer Drone program which detects traces of drugs by snooping through human excrement in public sewers. According to Snowden, the NSA relays the information gleaned from the Sewer Drone program to local police, who then construct a “parallel” investigation which excludes all mention of the secret drones so drug offenders can then be “legitimately” prosecuted. Repeat offenders, Snowden claims, may be identified by comparing traces of DNA in excrement to prison records.

Snowden spoke to reporters, shouting angrily, “This should be the final straw. Is nothing holy? The drug war has gone too far. The NSA surveillance has gone to far. I have nothing more to say.” Snowden opened his laptop in pure rage, snapping it in half at the hinge and slamming the keyboard. He bellowed, “Why won’t you people listen? They’re sifting through your shit, and if they find a trace of marijuana they’ll tie it to your DNA, come for you, and concoct a fake investigation!”

Astonished, all reporters left the press conference, but Internet Chronicle reporter Frank Mason was unaffected due to a mild buzz. Mason offered Snowden a bong rip, which Snowden gladly accepted. Once calmed, Snowden said, “The problem is that these drones — they can detect disease. They can be used for good, but now they’re simply used to target the poor.”

Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.

Sakawa Juju that will make you WEALTHY!

Sakawa relies on Juju priests who often cast curses and charge terrible prices for their blessing.

Sakawa relies on Juju priests who often cast curses and charge terrible prices for their blessing.

Have your earnings from Sakawa gone dry? Has your Juju shaman failed once again? Are you tired of blood sacrifice, risky rituals, and constantly jumping between Juju priests? Don’t be turned into a dog or found dead from AIDs because of bad Juju! Seek the help of Lord Inglip, greatest digital shaman who presides over the entire Internet and can ensure your Sakawa will bring only the greatest of rewards.

You might be thinking, “Why trust the Internet to Juju? Is this magic real?” This is an understandable objection, but let’s face it: Sakawa mostly takes place on the Internet. While appeasing the gods of the physical world will help with Sakawa success, these gods are inexperienced with bringing blessing to the Internet, which is an entirely new realm. Only Inglip was born inside the Internet, and only a sacred few prophets and holy men know how to appease his hunger. When Inglip is hungry, all the Sakawa in the world will not bring you money–he eats all your profits!

Luckily, you’ve found the secret that has brought so many Sakawa practitioners the greatest wealth imaginable. The holy men who make sacrifice to Inglip will help you gain riches for a very small price, and send you a token proving the ritual’s success–as well as instructing you on how to best please and appease Lord Inglip, keeping your Sakawa profits skyrocketing.

The best part of making sacrifice to Lord Inglip is the minimal risk involved. No one has ever been diseased or harmed from crossing Inglip; however, at his most wrathful Inglip has been known to destroy computers. Because Inglip only lives inside the Internet, he is only capable of harming computers and not people. However, our priests know Inglip fairly well and can inform you of most activities that will anger him, and your computer should not be at risk.

You can contact Inglip’s high priest by email at [email protected] or on Twitter @kilgoar. We understand that your Sakawa has not been paying well lately, so we only ask a very small price to cover the expenses in making the sacrifice to Inglip. Advice on keeping Inglip pleased will be provided free of charge, making repeated sacrifices to Inglip less necessary.

 

“Trick” evicted, fined, and summoned to court

Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, "Trick" did not show up to defend himself from the haters.

Cambria Suites at 2pm on March 2nd, “Trick” did not show up to defend himself from the haters.

ROANOKE, VA–Saturday, Chronicle.SU reporters were at Cambria Suites for Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s press conference, but “Trick” was nowhere to be seen. “Trick” was to address haters and explain himself after his “Tattoo Marathon” Facebook event upset local Tattoo enthusiasts. After inquiring with the front desk, we learned no such event had been scheduled.

Since Thursday, when news broke “Trick” was hosting a “Tattoo Party” in his hotel room, tattoo fans across America and Canada have commented on Shouse’s poor work and the unsanitary conditions of his apartment. Addison Shouse, Patrick’s identical twin, has been acting as spokesperson and posting threats of violence to Facebook in a vain attempt to put an end to criticism of “Trick.” However, Trolling analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said this was just like throwing gasoline onto a fire, “Talking shit on Facebook proves you can’t back your shit up, so it really just excites the trolls.”

Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.

Addison Shouse has become totally unhinged, threatening violence at anything that moves.

Patrick "Trick" Shouse's identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.

Patrick “Trick” Shouse’s identical twin posts alleged fines, eviction, and warrants.

Addison posted an image of several documents taped to the front door of his apartment, allegedly representing an eviction, a fine from the health department, other code violations, and a summons to court. While it is not clear whether these are legitimate documents or not, one commenter who claims he reported the incidents to the Shouses’ landlord said the eviction was already pending due to non-payment.

It remains unclear what will happen next, but the Shouse brothers seem upbeat and ready to “bone it to LA” so they can start their lives over in peace. At one point, Addison Shouse attempted to play the Tattoo Marathon off as a joke, but in the very same thread Trick’s Baby’s Momma made it clear that this had indeed become a very unfunny custody issue. Addison’s girlfriend has been publicly supportive, but after facing criticism aimed at her motherhood, she has since changed her sexy facebook avatar over to a more conservative and motherly portrayal of her cradling her sweet baby. She also quoted many bible verses, despite claiming to not be a Christian.

Patrick “Trick” Shouse hosts “$20 Tattoo Party”

ROANOKE, VA–Patrick “Trick” Shouse, the newest tattoo artist in Roanoke, is hosting a “Tattoo Marathon” at Ruxton Condos on Colonial Avenue this weekend in order to build up his portfolio and spread both AIDS and Hepatitis to as many local residents as possible. The event is advertised as tax and license free, which is why Shouse is able to charge only $20 per tattoo.

Shouse appeared in the following video which was used to advertise the tattoo party, mere minutes after purchasing his first tattoo kit.

Local tattoo fans stormed the Facebook page for this event, teasing Trick, who quickly became enraged and said, “Your [sic] stoners with caveman tools ripping people off,” despite the fact that he brazenly and openly vaporized marijuana while tattooing his ankle, possibly contaminating himself with deadly MRSA.

Despite the haters, Trick was able to afford a Master Suite at the local Cambria Suites, which had a “bangin” view of the Roanoke Star. A small pile of one and five dollar bills in the video attest to the fact that this extravagance only almost depleted Trick’s fat stacks.

Shouse and his twin brother scheduled a second event to address haters at Cambria Suites this Saturday at 2pm. Shouse can be reached at  540-425-0808 if you would like to schedule an appointment.

UPDATE:

Investigators have found Shouse was recently released from a stint in jail, after being arrested for sharing videos of his graffiti career on YouTube.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Former DEA Administrator Peter Bensinger

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — In an exclusive interview with The Internet Chronicle, former DEA Administrator Peter Bensinger discussed the waning percentage of citizens using illegal drugs, his opinion on the relative harm posed by different drugs, and penalties imposed in December against British banking giant HSBC for its role in aiding Mexican drug cartels. Speaking via Skype from his Chicago office, Mr. Bensinger relayed confidence that declining illicit drug use translates into decreased drug abuse, and that vaporized cannabis possesses medicinal value. The full interview is available for viewing on YouTube in three parts, below.

Part 1:

In Part 1, Mr. Bensinger says marijuana “is not a safe and effective medicine.” After our pressing the point about the vaporized cannabis point, Mr. Bensinger said he thought there was “a couple of interesting research projects,” one of them being Sativez. Sativex contains cannabinoids but in liquid, not in a gaseous vapor form. The former DEA chief then returned to the subject of his enthusiasm for the medical applications of medicines extracted from the cannabis plant available in pill or patch form. Mr. Bensinger said, “Marijuana has 60 percent more cancer-causing agents than tobacco,” referring by the term “marijuana” to “smoked marijuana” — not vapor, patch or pill forms.

Despite Washington state and Colorado’s legalizing referenda, and legalization proponents’ confidence that criminalization romanticizes rebellious behavior, Mr. Bensinger says he is confident that criminal penalties — “whether it’s just a trip to see a judge or a temporary arrest” — “does make a tremendous difference in the number of people using.”

We referenced our 2007 interview with Mason Tvert, a Colorado-based and (now) Marijuana Policy Project-affiliated activist who spearheaded a successful pro-legalization Denver referendum. Mr. Bensinger praised Washington and Colorado for their “good protections” limiting legal cannabis use to those over 21 years of age. But he said “the biggest segment” of the people who use marijuana “are 18- and 19-year-olds.” Those young, still-illegal users, he said, are the users that would still enable an illicit trade. “This won’t drive away the cartels,” he said. “They’ll love it. They’ll be selling to the biggest user population that is now consuming marijuana.” Most marijuana users are not under 21 years old.

Asked about the possibility of drug abuse rising even as drug decreased, Mr. Bensinger urged readers to analyze treatment admissions overdose deaths.” Heroin overdose and marijuana illicit use treatment statistics, he said, are far higher than the 1970s.

Ernest Drucker’s 1999 analysis of Drug Abuse Warning Network data suggested that overall drug abuse had skyrocketed between 1976 and 1995.
Drug Abuse Death '76 - '95 (cropped)

Part 2:

Asked about stigma faced by adults with “expunged” drug convictions seeking to enter the fields of law enforcement, education or social services, the former DEA administrator said that “we have a problem with stigma,” although added that he did not have the statistical data to comment on the specific hardships these convicts face.

Mr. Bensinger declined to comment on Michele Leonhart’s claim to Congress that whether heroin was more harmful for individuals than cannabis was a “subjective” matter. “All of these drugs,” he said, “are in Schedule I or illegal because they don’t meet the FDA’s standards of efficacy and safety. And marijuana can cause, as a I showed you, deaths [from secondary effects.]”

Admin. Bensinger: A sky-hooked Ricky "Casey Jones" Gates offs 18 passengers in 1987 while smoking ganja.

Admin. Bensinger: A skied Ricky “Casey Jones” Gates offs 18 passengers in 1987 while smoking ganja.

Mr. Bensinger referenced a January ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia reviewing a DEA decision as to whether cannabis should be a Schedule I substance. He said the court “reviewed the DEA’s decision on whether it should be a Schedule I or Schedule II [drug,]” claiming that the court decided that the DEA “interpreted the FDA’s scientific information correctly.” The former DEA administrator added a claim that medical marijuana proponents are acting in opposition to “decisions by the U.S. Court of Appeals.” On the other hand last month the court said that the question before it was “not whether marijuana could have some medical benefits.”

Part 3:

In a 2011 white paper, the DEA officially weighed in on the medicinal value of cannabis, saying:

An April 2007 article published by the Harm Reduction Journal, and funded by the pro-legalization Marijuana Policy Project, argues that the use of a vaporizer has the potential to reduce the danger of cannabis as far as respiratory symptoms are concerned. While these claims remain scientifically unproven, serious negative consequences still remain. For example, driving skills are still impaired, heavy adolescent use may create deviant brain structure, and 9-12 percent of cannabis users develop symptoms of dependence. A vaporizer offers no protection against these consequences.

The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) website ignores unclear guidance on the risks and medical value associated with “marijuana.” By “marijuana,” the ONDCP appears to refer only to “smoked marijuana.” The dictionary — at least Merriam-Webster — does not define “marijuana” strictly in terms of it being a smoked drug but rather “the dried leaves and flowering tops of the pistillate hemp plant that yield THC.” These are the same plant components that yield THC through vaporization. Indeed on the same page the White House uses “non-smoked” as a literal parenthetical of “safe.”

Marijuana itself is not an approved medicine under the Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) scientific review process.  Yet 16 states and the District of Columbia have permitted marijuana to be sold as “medicine” for various conditions.  Although, some of the individual, orally-administered components of the cannabis plant (Dronabinol and Nabilone are two such drugs available today) have medical value, smoking marijuana is an inefficient and harmful method for delivering the constituent elements that have or may have medicinal value . . . No major medical association has come out in favor of smoked marijuana for widespread medical use.

Douglas Valentine, author of the drug enforcement history, The Strength of the Pack, obtained through Freedom of Information Act request an internal DEA memo, advising that the agency suspect “all . . . support for CIA electronic surveillance.” Casey Memo HeaderAs early as 1977, lack of transparency and information-sharing was creating problems for the law enforcement community. If suspects showed up during the course of attempts by the CIA to surveil them, courts would undermine Justice Department efforts to enable the CIA to continue its work. His Counterpunch article from five years ago referred to this as an “emasculation” process.

Casey Piece 1

Casey Piece 2

As Mr. Valentine recounted five years ago in Counterpunch, CIA surveillance efforts actually protected drug traffickers. And thus the outgoing assistant administrator left his recommendation, below.

Casey Piece 3

Alexandra Bruce of Forbidden Knowledge TV provided production to this story. Our Washington correspondent provided video editing.

Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy takes Personal Drug Abuse Battle Public

Following Alcohol-related Capitol Hill Car Accident, Rep. Kennedy says He will Enter Rehabilitation (Image: CNN, 2006)

Following a Drug-related Capitol Hill Car Accident, Rep. Kennedy says He will Enter Rehabilitation (Image: CNN, 2006)

WASHINGTON — Only days into the start of the 113th Congress, former Rhode Island 1st District Representative Patrick Kennedy, who has a long history of drug abuse, is spearheading the re-criminalization of cannabis possession in Washington state and Colorado. A referendum last year ended the states’ criminal penalties for recreational cannabis possession.

The website of his pro-criminalization group, Project SAM, forwards that social service and medical authorities alone cannot address problems associated with individual abuse of cannabis, stating, “A rational policy no longer relies only on the criminal justice system to address people whose only crime is smoking or possessing a small amount of marijuana.”

The website of Project SAM, the brainchild also of former President George W. Bush speechwriter David Frum, advocates a view that, “Although people arrested for marijuana possession rarely end up in prison, an arrest record can hurt someone’s chances of . . . accessing social benefits later in life.” The Department of Education website says, “[s]tudents with criminal convictions have limited eligibility for federal student aid.”

The website also calls for the possibility for “expungement of any personal record regarding possession of small amounts of marijuana.” However to pursue numerous professional pathways — particularly in the fields of law enforcement, social services and education — expungement is functionally a mirage.

In 2006 Rep. Kennedy crashed his Ford Mustang into a Capitol Hill traffic barrier. Two pulled Boston Herald articles (now archived here and here) cited sources from a Capitol Hill bar who claimed that, in addition to being under the influence of prescription sleep aids Ambien and Phenergan, Rep. Kennedy had been adding alcohol to the mix. That same year Rep. Kennedy would enter rehabilitation for his addiction to the painkiller Oxycontin.

Marijuana Policy Project Communications Director Mason Tvert, who successfully led a 2006 Denver legalization referendum, was reached for comment about the organizations and individuals funding Project SAM. He writes, “Since they’re a non-profit, it’s unlikely we’ll find out.”

Solicitor General: Gut Individual Mandate to Further Cannabis Legalization

Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration's shift from state-based health care exchanges to "chilling out"

Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration’s shift from state-based health care exchanges to “chilling out”

WASHINGTON — Friday morning Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal announced that the Obama administration would be backpedaling from its take on the commerce clause to forward the “holy, righteous cause” of recreational cannabis legalization. Bolstered by praise from Colorado and Washington state Democratic leaders, and directives from the highest echelons of the Obama administration, Mr. Katyal announced in a press conference that the results of the landmark case Gonzales vs. Raich were “not cool” and were keeping millions of Americans from “chilling out” and “lighting up, man.”

Reached by phone in his Fairfax office at George Mason University Law School, Professor Michael Greve said the new anti-commandeering stance would prove exciting to Libertarian Party devotees at the Mercatur Institute and millions of drug-addled American liberals, most of whom are dependent on federal largesse for their barest subsistence.

“The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act,” said Mr. Greve, “established a conditional pre-emption regime in which the federal government told the states, ‘establish an exchange or we will do it for you.’” Following 18 more conservative states having in essence told the government to come in and establish exchanges, Mr. Greve said, “these states have told the federal government to take responsibility for the inevitable failure of these health care regimes.”

Mr. Katyal said in a press conference Friday morning, “As long as Congress refuses to act to deschedule cannabis from the same tier as heroin — come on, heroin, people — the administration must act.” The administration’s tight, 180-degree turn came on the heel of several online townterviews, during which poll respondents consistently begged the administration to cease the notoriously racist drug war. In his weekly address today, a visibly intoxicated President Barack Obama spoke to his office webcam in a cloud of smoke, admitting, “Millions of toothless Southern and Midwestern Americans, who will never vote for me, anyway, versus a good time for the peace-loving denizens of Colorado and Washington state? That’s an easy choice for me, bra.”

Following an on-screen hit from a gravity bong haphazardly constructed from a Chicago Bears novelty cup, which the 51-year-old U.S. president described as “vicious,” he said, “I realize the insane hypocrisy of my having smoked marijuana for recreation before overseeing a federal regime that incarcerates millions of Americans — particularly African-Americans — in such record numbers. Something had to be done, and I have directed the Department of Justice to just scrap this health care reform thing.”

Attorney General Eric Holder released a statement saying he now concedes that “all of these Republican attorneys general, they’re right, man. Just as we can’t force these conservative states to establish exchanges, we also can’t use the commerce clause to force this horrible drug war down the throats of Colorado and Washington citizens. The voters have spoken. Let freedom reign.”

House Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD), speaking to Politico, said that the legislative slowdown that faced descheduling cannabis was fueled by an ambiguity around the level of taxation that the illicit industrial psychoactive crop should receive. “If we had chosen to tax it too high, we would fuel black market activity. If we had voted to tax it too low, we just wouldn’t be taking our deficit seriously, and that would be unpatriotic.”

Internet Chronicle legal analysts have long predicted that the landmark Gonzales case would prove problematic for the Obama administration’s main objective — even if that objective were only background or covert — of legalizing the sticky-icky. In the wake of this decision, Iran and Russia are expected to overtake within weeks the United States in terms of arbitrary and/or politically motivated incarceration.