IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DEMONSTRATION RE: ALL DRUGS

Washington, D.C., Tx–An independent study by the US Government was conducted on a stovetop Friday, twenty years ago. The results are inconclusive by logic of the critically-flawed scientific method, but based on what the President’s top aides are saying, stand firm. The dependent variables of the study were not verified and its results are taken as fact based on the government’s good track record of providing honest, objective, Christian scientific research.

The evidence in this photo suggests dope addicts have begun using guns as drugs, possibly by ingesting bullets anally in a new and creative effort to "get high"

The evidence in this photo suggests dope addicts have begun using guns as drugs, possibly by ingesting bullets anally in a new and creative effort to "get high"

“All drugs are the same,” said one expert. “Dope’ll kill ya,” said another. The men wished to remain anonymous because like all government officials, they are huge pussies and don’t stand behind their own words.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS INTENDED FOR MATURE, MALE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE THIS AND START FRYING UP EGGS TO GET HIGH, IT IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT UNWORTHY OF OWNING CHILDREN.

[flashvideo file="http://elfwax.com/wp-content/uploads/Bill%20Hicks%20-%20Your%20Brain%20on%20Drugs%20(TV%20Comercial).flv" /]

Click here to watch Bill Hicks make fun of this at The Elf Wax Times’ Bill Hicks Hall of Fame, featuring Bill Hicks!

Facebook drinking at an all-time high

Drunkbook

The most legendary website ever to be used for pulling pussy has seen an increase in the number of people drinking alone at their computers and then announcing it through the News Feeding Trough.

The source of the problem, the U.S. Government said, is the sheer lack of anything enjoyable on the website, whatsoever.

“What’s with all the poking?” asked Norm Macdonald.

Miller Lite said that, paralleling reality, people in a virtual reality will turn to virtual alcoholism as a means of coping with its ordinary lameness. They seek a relationship that “Goes down smooth, and is not too filling.” Fulfilling, that is.

Other sources say that when compared to MySpace (a Rupert Murdoch subsidiary), there is a disproportionate amount of “smart chicks” to slutty easy chicks. “People just aren’t posting tits,” said a hunch-backed old masturbator named Larry.

More as this develops into a preventable disease.

Drunkerbook

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of six identical twins and stars of a reality TV show featuring their bickering, have finally snapped under the stress induced by the watching nation.  As if Kate’s fertility drug gobbling and the resultant six identical twins weren’t enough, Jon has apparently had the last straw.  Now preferring to do their bickering on day-time TV and via quick comments to paparazzi reporters, their bickering has reached a new level of popularity. This kind of attention to end-of-relationship hatred has reached a new level of shame for the growing audience.

Elf Wax expert Internet sources say that a Twitter feed featuring nothing but Jon and Kate’s texts to each other has in the course of two days reached 40 million followers.  This is unprecedented in the history of Twitter, and more bickering celebrities have decided to publicize their personal texts to each other over Twitter, in a vain and self-deprecating attempt at furthering their popularity.

In similair news, president-elect Mousavi has used Twitter to call for more demonstrations in Iran. The election was decided by Ayatollah Khameini and he has made it clear that he has absolute power to make whatever decision he sees fit. Protest of Iran’s theocratical dictatorship has prompted the government to act in self defense by using violence against their own people and imprisoning any person who publicly speaks against the government.

More to follow on Jon and Kate’s most recent insult flinging in the upcoming hours.

Elf Wax Update: Since Jon and Kate’s disappearance from their coveted prime time cable TV slot, shrewd producers have seamlessly replaced them with actor/comedian Norm MacDonald, improving ratings eleven percent.

[flashvideo file="videos/Norm_Plus_One.flv" author=Norm MacDonald title=Norm Plus One /]

Norm Plus One

Area man reheats macaroni, “Isn’t the same”

Roanoke, Va. – Steve Grabowski, a Roanoke factory worker, was disappointed Saturday by rubbery macaroni after re-heating it following a four-hour online-gaming binge during which he forget his girlfriend had prepared their dinner and left it sitting on his desk.

“It just wasn’t the same afterward,” Steve said with a grimace. “It was just so dry. It all stuck together, in one big clump.”

When asked to describe the sound the Velveeta shells ‘n cheese made under his fork, Steve simply stared at the floor and shook his head, saying, “There’s no mistaking that sound. It didn’t sound dry. It sounded ready. But it wasn’t. It would never be ready again.”

Experts told Elf Wax reporters that macaroni, when ready to eat, makes no sound at all. In a telephoned interview, Jack ReNeur of the Polytechnic Institute of Sound (Miami Fla.), said good macaroni “rolls in its cheesy lubricant,” and should exhibit “little to no audible friction with itself.”

All sounds aside, Steve said the issue was “not the sound or the appearance” of his macaroni shells, but with its “core temperature,” or what a thermometer would read if inserted directly into the center mass of macaroni once scooped into a bowl or upon a plate.

Steve blames the government for not giving Velveeta the go ahead on including a carcinogenic compound used in self-heating shoe insoles to keep his macaroni warm for days at a time. “This whole thing was preventable,” he said.

Suprisingly, the FDA passed up their opportunity to poison the general populus with the knowledge that they would receive no pharmaceutical kickbacks upon treatment for the resulting organ failures the artificial chemical could have induced. Their press department was not immediately available for comment.

Steve said he was left with no choice but to rubberize his macaroni under microwave radiation using his residential-strength Kenmore microwave oven. “I even set it to medium,” he intimated. “But it was already too far gone.”

When asked if Steve’s addiction to the online RPG Phantasy Star Universe could be to blame, his eyes flickered with apprehension and he became violent and aggressive to reporters, demanding that they remove themselves from his property before he calls the authorities. His children stood behind him crying and begging him to stop shouting, but he had already brandished a black Remington shotgun and was aiming it directly at the News Channel 7 camera crew.

“PSU’s got shit to do with this. Now get your fucking hippie picture people out of here before I prove to my retarded son just how son-of-a-bitchin’ addicted I am.”

Velveeta has issued a formal apology to the Grabowski family – not for their shortcomings – but for Steve’s “crude, white trash behavior” and has said they will not pay the reparations he “drunkenly demanded via Facebook Monday night.”

Stoner realizes speed of Earth’s movement through space, blows mind

Roanoke, Va. – A Cave Spring-area youth was high on marijuana today when he realized that time does not exist and therefore the speed at which the Earth moves through space is immeasurable, yet “so fast.”

Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel

Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel

Jonathan Spokane, 15, described to reporters how his mind came to be blown, saying, “We were drivin’ around, celebratin’ 4:20 after summer school when I started to daydream. I was thinking about space, and said to Joe, ‘Yo Joe. Space is like, really fuckin’ huge, man.’ Then Joe was like, ‘Hey I wonder what time it is in space?’”

Jonathan said he was puzzled by the question at first, until the answer came to him, at which point he could no longer remember his name, address, or even where he was driving his mom’s carload of friends.

His mind was blown, reportedly after he decided for himself that without a constant measurement of the discernible gravitational forces at work, there could not possibly be a basis for the measurement of time, which he said is already a “human construct” and therefore “irrelevant” to people who “know what’s up.”

Jonathan’s personal revelations, analysts predict, will lead him to experiment with harder drugs such as hallucinogenic mushrooms, LSD, peyote and mescaline – all to serve him in his singular quest for what he calls “the ultimate truth” about our existence and/or non-existence, both and neither of which he intends to prove.

Update:
Roanoke Valley Law (over)Enforcement Agencies and the FBI are on the lookout for Jonathan Spokane in connection with the assault of several police officers during a scuffle and the telephoned harassment of the County juvenile court judge. FBI director of searches and seizures Mark Warren told Elf Wax Times early this Monday morning that when police failed to apprehend him, he was “wild-eyed” and repeating the chorus from Black Sabbath’s “Fairies Wear Boots.” He is allegedly armed with a set of Ginsu kitchen knives and considered extremely dangerously capable of dicing a variety of foods quickly to subdue what are expected to be critical munchies.

Social networking sites lead to ‘pregnancy and marriage by age 23′

Mediocrity

Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.

Noggin

Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.

No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:

WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?

Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:

§ 14-177. Crime against nature – North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.

“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one’s sexual partner.”

That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.

This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:

“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)

This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.

In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.

Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law.
There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.

This is insane!

After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.

Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:

http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/newseek.cgi?site=ctc&state=nc

President Obama vows to regulate the breeding of ugly people

In a landmark decision, President Obama has proclaimed that there are too many ugly people getting married and breeding, and that it has already reached epidemic proportions.

“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.

If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.

The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).

Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.

In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.

Intervention Letter

Some friends and I recently watched a neighbor have a complete psychological meltdown. Everything a normal person does, simply quit happening in this person. Rational thought, personal hygiene, common decency, all went out the window. You couldn’t talk to the guy, because his brain had ceased to function normally, and he was in complete denial about his situation. So, we decided to write him a letter outlining everything he had done……….a sort of intervention by letter. I thought I would share this letter with our readers, so they can see what happened to this guy. I don’t want to say his name, so I will simply call him C. Hart. No……..I don’t like that. I’ll call him Calvin H., so you won’t know who he is.

I hope hearing about how this guy hit bottom is as much fun for you, as watching it was for me:

Calvin,

After seeing firsthand how you’ve failed miserably at accomplishing the most basic activities of daily living, we felt like we had to be pals and point out to you what you can’t see for yourself……that your life is a train wreck that just won’t grind to a halt. We all want to help you, and think that we need to point out to you the things that your obviously unable to see yourself that you’ve done up until now, so here goes. And keep in mind that this is just a few of things that you’ve done which demonstrate a pattern of mental illness. To name them all would require more time and paper than we have.

1. The alcohol and drugs. You put your use of alcohol and drugs before EVERYTHING else…..including your personal hygiene. When someone has trouble thinking clearly, as you obviously do, using substances which impair your thought processes is the last thing that needs to be done. And yet, you’ve made using these substances your primary goal in life. You’ll sit around drinking beer, smoking pot, and doing cocaine, while you have no job, no power, no water, and a house that’s in continuous danger of foreclosure. The foreclosure attorneys are probably on a first name basis with you. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

2. The complete lack of maintenance of everything you have….including your body. Your stark refusal to maintain any of your property is puzzling to say the least. You seem completely satisfied to live in your own squalor, while everything you have deteriorates due to lack of even the most basic maintenance. You let your central heat and air unit filters become so clogged with filth that your unit quit, and then you simply took the filters out and let the unit run, which fills the ductwork with dust and filth. The bathroom floor under your toilet is rotten because your toilet has leaked for four years. You won’t even fix that. Your car, your furniture, your clothes, your house, everything you have is filthy, broken, and completely useless. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

3. Your refusal to work and be a productive member of society. If you go to the nearest fast food store, you see people working. If you look around downtown, you see people working. If you look across your neighborhood, you see people working. If someone looks at you, they don’t see a person working. You pretend to have a computer business; but in reality you’re not qualified to do anything but go to someone’s house and remove a broken computer to throw in the trash. Your content being poor, and a welfare case, begging for money from everyone there is to beg, when you’re healthy and able to work. You even go so far as to steal bill money from your friends. Stealing money that your friends need to pay their bills; that’s low. And using it to buy drugs is even lower. You’ll do anything to avoid working and being a productive member of society. We all know that your now taking a gas can to gas stations and begging for money, telling people that your on your way to work and ran out of gas. Your begging for money based on a lie – which is what we working, law abiding citizens call a scam. How pathetic! You’re officially a bum now. Just how low are you going to sink? You have no pride, or shame, do you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

4. Your inability to conduct yourself in a decent manner when in public. Not only are you unable to interact with people in a normal manner, you’re not even able to be around other people without acting in a manner inconsistent with normality and common decency. This was evidenced by your being thrown off a plane for acting in a disturbing manner. All you had to do was get on the plane and sit down. That’s it! Just sit down and ride. But you couldn’t even do that, could you? You had to moo at the top of your lungs like a big mentally defective cow until the crew had no choice but to throw you off the plane. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

5. Your inability to have a normal relationship with your own family. Your own family has felt it necessary to remove you from their lives. You only embarrassed them with your refusal to work, begging for money, lack of hygiene, living in your own filth, and general abnormal behavior. You go without power and water for months at a time, and therefore are unable to bathe or use the bathroom indoors. You just walk around stinking, like a stray dog. You even have to use the bathroom outside, like a dog. The last thing I want to see when I look out my back door, is you squatting down, taking a dump in the back yard. Do you think anyone wants to say that they are related to you, or are friends with you? This is not a sign of mental soundness.

6. Your continued viewing of disturbing pornography. We all know you enjoy watching your videos of horses having sex with young ladies. We’ve all caught you watching that sickness. Why you enjoy watching young ladies being tortuously screwed by farm animals is something we are unable to comprehend. That’s disgusting, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

7. We all know what you did to the Thunderbird. Tony let you borrow his brand new Thunderbird, which is a prized possession of his. That was VERY generous of him. How did you repay his generosity? You wrecked his Thunderbird, left it sitting in your yard with the top down while it rained all day, and then returned it to him without telling him that you wrecked it and that the wheel was damaged and could potentially break while he’s driving it. You repaid his generosity by endangering his life. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

8. We all know what you did to the bicycle. You couldn’t even be trusted with a bicycle for a couple of days. You destroyed someone else’s bicycle that was left at your house overnight. We don’t know why you destroyed it. You just did. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

9. We all know what you did to the dog. You took a dog home with you, tied it up in the 110 degree sun without water, and killed it in a matter of hours. It deserved to live, but you sentenced it to death by bringing it to live with you. This too is disturbing, if not illegal. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

10. We all know what you did to the rabbit. You found that little baby rabbit, put it in a bucket, and painted it with orange engine paint. Your justification for doing that was so that you could see it when it grew up and would know which one it was, since it would be orange. We don’t know which was less intelligent; the fact that you didn’t know that animals SHED their fur, or that you didn’t know painting that newborn baby rabbit would kill it. All we could do was look at that poor little baby rabbit, with its paint filled eyes and paint bubbling out of its nose, and think to ourselves “Calvin is one stupid son of a bitch”. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

11. We all know what you did to the boat. Even a child knows better than to raise the engine cover on a boat, take the cover off of the carburetor, and let it sit that way for two years with rainwater, snow, and leaves going straight into the engine. Yet, this is what you did. And you let the boat sit uncovered until it rotted away into worthlessness. Then, when the boat was junk that needed to be hauled to the dump, you refused to take 1500 dollars for it, even though you were in jail, and your house was going into foreclosure. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

12. Your continued refusal to obey the law. You drive while under the influence of alcohol and illegal drugs, and have your license taken away. This has happened on multiple occasions. But instead of learning from this, you just continue driving around with no license, no insurance, no tag, no registration, and no idea why you keep going to jail for driving on a suspended license. You’ve gone to jail three times in the last few months for driving on a suspended license. Even a dumb farm animal eventually learns to stop touching the electric fence. But not you. You just keep getting yourself put in jail for the same offense. You don’t comprehend the consequences of your continued illegal activities. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

13. You went to jail, and brought jail home with you. When most people go to jail, they use it as a learning experience. But not you. You had to bring a bunch of criminal’s home with you to help you peddle drugs. You saw these inmates, and thought these guys belonged in your house, and in our neighborhood. The result was the theft of property in your house, as well as the theft of property around the rest of the neighborhood. The drug traffic you brought into our neighborhood is something the neighbors are still mad about. You single-handedly turned a good neighborhood into a bad one. This is not a sign of mental soundness.

We could keep going, but there’s no reason to. We all felt that if we pointed out to you what a train wreck your life has become, you might be able to see for yourself what we have seen for years, and do something about it. We are only trying to help you. Unfortunately, you don’t seem to want advice or help from anyone, unless they are handing you money. So you may just toss this in the trash, instead of trying to see what we see and doing something about it.

If you don’t listen to those around you, and continue going down the disgusting, pathetic, ignorant path your on, you are going to end up homeless. Go get some psychiatric help. You may need to be institutionalized, so you can have a guardian to look after you on a daily basis. Your clearly unable, or unwilling, to do it yourself. It’s time to start living the life of a normal, law abiding, productive member of society.

Update:

The last I heard, Calvin’s house had been condemned, because it was deemed to be unfit for human habitation. But he snuck back into it, and was burning trash downstairs to stay warm, when the house caught on fire and pretty much burned down. Since he hadn’t paid the insurance, it wasn’t repaired. Calvin is now homeless, and mooching off of other people full time. He is now, officially, a bum.