I Am America – A Herman Cain Fanfic

ATLANTA, GA. – “Hey, she’s a dame. What do ya say, Hermie? We pick her up and show her a good time, give her the presidential treatment?”

Two pairs of eyes met in agreement on the rearview mirror. As it slowed to a stop, the campaign van brakes cried out in protest.

“I’ll introduce myself.”

The man in the backseat watched through tinted windows. “Yes, what is it?” the woman inquired of the driver, who approached her on foot now. He was a stocky white gentleman wearing a sportcoat, stylish prescription glasses, and a stained yellow mustache that matched his teeth.

“You want to meet a celebrity?”

“What are you doing?” she asked as he got closer. Her face changed, although an expression of politeness remained. “Now, wait just a second, what do you want? Back! Hey, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The driver had grabbed her by the wrist, but when she pulled away, he slapped her across the face and took her by her curly brown hair, leading her into the side door of their idling press wagon. She noticed it now, out of the corner of her eye: 2012.

Perhaps you’ve seen him on TV. He’s bringing jobs back to America. He believes we can take this country back. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be here today. His marriage fell to ruin in the wake of a series of sexual harassment scandals that surfaced as researchers snuffled for anything that might drop him out of the running. The hours were getting short; the days, much darker. It was only a matter of time now.

With their fly in tow, our two spiders drove around back of a warehouse not far from where they acquired a thirst for young flesh. Once inside, they removed her blindfold. The building was stacked to the tits with beer koozies, picket signs, boxes labeled “flair,” cardboard figures and T-shirts in every color and size ranging from small to medium to large, extra large, extra extra large, and the unthinkable XXXL. With no small degree of confusion, she absorbed her surroundings, forgetting for a moment the two dark figures just ten feet behind her. She struggled for breath at the sheer immensity of wall-to-wall fascism, lights shining on American flags, and in her eyes, too. She squinted to ascertain the meanings of slogans and effigies. America never looked so cheap. That is, until a red crowbar wedged itself between her right eye and the inner socket, hooking itself on her temple. The pain was insurmountable. She could not scream, and collapsed instantaneously under shock. Dull sensations of otherness were shooting off at random locations around her body. The pain was unfathomable. Reality ceased. A voice gave instructions. She followed them, without question, without understanding, with no intellectual capacity whatsoever to guide her through this terrible nightmare. She was no longer human.

The young woman – a skinny waitress in her thirties – with her fist in her mouth, put the other hand down to her gingham skirt. Her broken hand was gnarled into a claw, but using that claw, she tugged upward at her skirt with pathetic incapability, in a bid to satiate the verbose bloodlust of her attacker, candidate for the U.S. Republican Party presidential nomination, Herman Cain – a Georgia Tea Party activist.

The hairs on Herman’s neck bristled with anticipation. In the dark, he could not see it, but a flash of recognition darted through the young lady’s body as she made out the face of a man she once knew. A man who, before, had told her what to do in a more professional setting. She worked in one of his restaurants. Her boss. The owner.

Your God is Power. You have no shame.

“Rape victims are sluts who produce their own birth control. But you’re no victim,” declared Mr. Cain, a former deputy chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. “You like this. I’m going to teach you to like me.” As he pumped, and huffed, and breathed scotch into his victim’s mouth, his eyes glazed over and fixated on the corner of the room, where he imagined a younger, better looking rape victim. And briefly, he pictured his wife. “Now secrete it!”

Herman Cain crouched down over the woman, who was now bloody, disheveled and used, and he asked her politely if he might take her out to dinner sometime, and if he can get that phone number.

Black dots patterned across his vision, bubblewrapping the terrible scene beneath him, the product of his undoing. One last passenger aboard the Cain train. As he struggled to breathe with that thin, tobacco-stained breath of his, Herman’s blood flowed like sand.

“She’s done for, Herman. Now let’s be on our way.” Chief of Staff Mark Block, Herman’s driver, sucked the last trace of life from his cigarette. He could not take his eyes off the scene. Her ripped white underwear with blue trim, bloody at the crotch.

“I– I thought her body was supposed to shut down to keep this from happening.” Cain withdrew an unlabeled bottle of blood pressure medication and took four tiny white pills.

“If she gets pregnant, then it means she liked it. Who can blame her? We’ve run a campaign like nobody’s ever seen. But then, America’s never seen a candidate like Herman Cain.”

A smile bled from the open corners of Herman’s mouth, from which sprung twin puffs of gaseous hate that twisted up his thin, dark mustache, and moved in a vapor around his furrowed brows, tracing the restaurant manager’s gray, receding hairline. Sister demons danced a double helix in the midnight air, assuming the form of matching parallel negative impressions, shaped like dervishes with forked tongues slithering, their writhing agitations, spied ever so slightly amid the shifting breeze in Block’s polluted exhalation. Graciously, they pulled his mouth wide into a devilish smile.

Trollman Cain

This story is part 2 in a 2 part series entitled “What was the deal with Herman Cain?

Sent from my iPhone


8:30 p.m. EDT – Georgian Attorney General Sam Olens is saying that the individual mandate tells you “what to think.” I’m not sure what to make of that.

8:35 p.m. EDT – Senator John Thune (R-SD) says that when playing basketball President Barack Obama is easy to predict because he “always goes to his left.”

8:54 p.m. EDT – Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is telling PBS that Mitt Romney supports offering military aid to the Free Syrian Army, seeming to simply that the United States is not currently. Sen. McCain touts that French President Hollande — “a socialist,” he makes a point of saying — supports a no-fly zone about the Mediterranean country.

9:14 p.m. EDT – Steve Cohen, as Media Matters is most prominently pointing out, has received more than “$2 million in government contracts, including nearly $220,000 in stimulus funds, and claims a ‘long and proud history of supplying heavy-duty American Made equipment to government agencies and the US military.”

9:19 p.m. EDT – In the face of PBS Host Gwen Ifill pressing the senator on the unpopularity of keeping taxes lower on the top 1 percent and 2 percent — and the inevitability of Democrats being determined to hang that policy “around the neck” of the Republicans, Senator Ron Johnson says that Democrats have not adequately challenged Republicans, as they have not presented their own budget.

9:27 p.m. EDT – Republican delegate Becky Davis (MO) says that female voters are “feeling [economic woes of late] in the grocery store,” seemingly emphasizing women loving cooking.

9:32 p.m. EDT – Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is attacking President Obama’s vacation time. CBS News has reported that, at least a year in, Obama had taken a third of the vacation time than the last Republican president, 20 months in.

9:41 p.m. EDT – Fox News Channel Host Mike Huckabee says that convention attendees might be asking themselves how former rivals can unite to support one of them. The two, says Mr. Huckabee, “have Barack Obama to thank,” fully embracing the notion that the enemy of one’s enemy is one’s friend.

I get the sense that Huckabee didn’t listen to the previous speaker who referenced Obama claiming that if deficit controls didn’t work, that he would himself be looking at a “one-term proposition.” Otherwise he would have gone slightly off of the teleprompter, instead of saying, “Do you remember when” the president made that statement.

9:51 p.m. EDT – Mr. Huckabee says that Obama is an evangelical Christian. However the United Church of Christ, President Obama’s denomination, is not a member of the National Association of Evangelicals.

10:12 p.m. EDT – By saying that “hard decisions” prevented a follow-up attack to 9/11, is Condoleezza Rice implying that the Iraq War, who cause is now doubted by most House Republicans, was that hard decision?

10:14 p.m. EDT – A defining quality of this convention is how rarely the speakers mention Barack Obama by name.

10:16 p.m. EDT – Regarding the ongoing “we built it” private-sector theme, Arizona Governor Susana Martinez says, “[my parents] built it,” meaning their livelihoods, even though her father was a government employee, as a Marine and later a sheriff.

Gov. Martinez says that, despite Democrats controlling her state’s legislature, she talks about her state turning a state budget deficit into a surplus, saying “we,” presumably meaning her administration, “did it without raising taxes.” But did they do it, or did the private sector?

10:32 p.m. EDT – It’s interesting that Vice Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan references the Obama administration’s failure to oversee the reopening of a GM plant, in front of which, he says, Obama engaged in grandstanding about its reopening. However, Mr. Romney was an advocate of bailing out Detroit in his own right.

10:52 p.m. EDT – Rep. Ryan referencing Jack Kemp, his mentor, could evoke similar discomfort as to when then Governor Schwarzenegger  talked about his admiration for Richard Nixon’s speech-giving.

RNC BLOG – We Built This City on Government Subsidies

WASHINGTON – 7:17 p.m. EDT, House Speaker John Boehner is referencing that President Obama “you didn’t build that” line, easily evoking for me the story of Gilchrist Metal Fabricating, featured in a Romney ad, a company that relied on hundreds of thousands of dollars in government subsidy.

7:19 p.m. EDT – Crowd shots from C-SPAN, heavily bleaching on the women’s hair.

7:24 p.m. EDT – Republican Party Chairman Reince Priebus seems like he’s awfully loud, considering that he has a mic.

7:28 p.m.. EDT – Mr. Priebus strongly hammering home the “you didn’t build that” as well, disparaging the infrastructure that comprises a mixed economy.

7:40 p.m. EDT – “Not up to government to save our country . . . up to us,” says Mia Love, Utah House candidate, in ad, further espousing the view that the government is not in fact representative of public will. Is the common law the will of mankind, as Robert Kennedy contended?

7:45 p.m. EDT – The United States, says Love, is the “last, best hope,” a country with an accelerating fall in human development index.

7:48 p.m. EDT – When actress Janine Turner describes an ever-growing government, she is trying to describe the federal government’s level of control, not the net number of federal and state employees as a percentage of the population, which is in fact in serious decline. (Source: Hamilton Project)

7:51 p.m. EDT – When RNC officials and spokespeople endorse “God” blessing America, are they really respecting the First Amendment, and the tacit separation of church/synagogue/whatever, which also protects polytheists and atheists?

8:04 p.m. EDT – Delaware Republican lieutenant gubernatorial candidate Sher Valenzuela touts that Mr. Romney understands the “human case for free enterprise,” but her own family’s business relied on “millions of dollars in secure government contracts.”

8:16 p.m. EDT – It’s interesting that “penalties” Ayotte discusses for a small-business owner, who might otherwise expand a business, others might describe as funds meant to provide a basic social floor for employees.

The senator also disparages the “rolling back” of “Obamacare” by a President Romney, while Mr. Romney’s book, “No Apologies,” in fact postulates a nationwide expansion of the widely disfavored individual mandate.

8:20 p.m. EDT – And here’s Jack Gilchrist, who no doubt desires to trumpet how he “built it.” He says the Obama administration is “killing us” and “won’t get out of our way.” However, as discussed by the New Hampshire Union Leader, his company received $800,000 in tax-exempt revenue bonds.

8:36 p.m. EDT – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin reminds me once again how popular bleached hair is in the GOP female crowd. We’re adding the fashion tag now.

Gov. Fallin is remarking that the first oil well in Oklahoma was not subsidized by public capital. According to a 2009 study by the Environmental Law Institute, between 2002 and 2008, the government subsidized oil drilling and exploration to the tune of $7.1 billion.

8:44 p.m. EDT – In the years that it Bob Sakata characterizes President Obama’s claim that he didn’t build his own farming business as “completely nonsense,” yet Sakata received almost $80,000 in Department of Agriculture subsidies to get it off the ground.

8:59 p.m. EDT – There is the biggest of all cheers yet for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Gov. Walker says we need to elect Mr. Romney and Representative Paul Ryan (WI) to “save America.”

9:09 p.m. EDT – Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval expresses pride in Nevada’s role in putting Abraham Lincoln in the White House. It is an interesting historical footnote that Communist Manifesto co-author Karl Marx would write to President Lincoln to congratulate him on his win.

9:15 p.m. EDT – Road sign builder, Phil Archuletta, who makes signs for the Forest Service and a variety of federal agencies, takes the stage, ambiguously a part of the “we built it” agenda.

“[The Obama] administration is putting us out of business,” says Mr. Archuletta, referring to their denial of subsidy to his busines, saying that he is “barely hanging on with orders from the state of New Mexico” thanks to Republican Governor Susana Martinez.

9:22 p.m. EDT – Mr. Santorum conspicuously dodging a reference to his Italian communist heritage.

He says that welfare reform didn’t work precisely because the “welfare rolls were cut in half.” It’s unclear at this point from his statements how seriously he is implying that cutting welfare rolls unto itself actually spurred job creation.

Mr. Santorum says that America is the “greatest country in the world.”

9:48 p.m. EDT – Texas Senate candidate Ted Cruz espouses his parents’ involvement in the, for decades, massively subsidized petroleum industry.

9:51 p.m. EDT – Former Representative Artur Davis (D-AL) knocks the individual mandate, endorsed by the conservative Heritage Foundation in the early ’90s

9:58 p.m. EDT – Mr. Davis disparages the prospect of the Democratic Party, at their Charlotte convention, showing off their most famous presidents, while every president since the New Deal, Republican and Democrat, oversaw much higher taxes on the top 1 percent and 2 percent. In disagreeing with those rates, the modern Republican Party engages in the most unpopular part of its platform — on which it has distanced itself even from its voting base.

10:01 p.m. EDT – In pushing voter ID laws, comparing them to the necessity of carrying ID onto an airplane, Governor Nikki Haley (SC) overstates how common voter fraud is, and understates how alarming, easily exploited not requiring ID to board a plane, would be. Plane trips are and should be a relatively luxury compared to suffrage. Citizens with the economic wherewithal to afford plane trips are more likely to have the time and resources to more conveniently obtain state ID.

Fascinatingly, Gov. Haley calls President Obama a “mack daddy,” apparently a reference to virility — fascinating because he has so many fewer children than Mr. Romney.

10:15 p.m. EDT – It sounds like Ann Romney is slightly caving to Democratic spokesperson Hilary Rosen’s criticisms from months ago, when she contended that Ann Romney had never worked a day in her life. In the prepared remarks, Mrs. Romney references “the working moms who love their jobs but would like to work just a little less to spend more time with the kids, but that’s just out of the question with this economy.”

The calculation here is to improve Mr. Romney’s lagging numbers with single women. Even Rick Santorum extended a hand to the “heroism” to single mothers per se.

10:21 p.m. EDT – Also, from Ann Romney’s prepared remarks (but as she more or less said it), she says her father “moved to a small town in the great state of Michigan. There, he started a business — one he built himself, by the way. ” However even her father took advantage of the government dime to expand his business and expertise, helping to design the landing crafts for D-Day.

10:36 p.m. EDT – Seemingly channeling Obama’s own terminology, New Jersey Governor Christie calls his own speaking gig “improbable” due to his being a Republican from a relatively Democratic-leaning state. But in fact that is one of the main reasons for his degree of influence and certainly his speaking position.

10:50 p.m. EDT – Potentially confounding Gov. Christie’s comparison to other developed countries’ relatively successful educational systems is that most of those other countries have relatively robust teachers’ unions and pensions.

Area Christian Too Cool For The Devil

Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist

Ashley Johnson, Christian nonconformist

Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.

With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.

Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”

“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he  is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.

“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”

In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”

Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.

Lord Jesus God

Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.’”

Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.

Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.

“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”

Ashley Johnson, born again Christian

‘Anonymous’ Idea Arrested

“You can’t arrest an idea”~Topiary

INTERNET — Thursday, Anonymous, the idea, was arrested by the U.S. Government. Tired of butthurt countercultural types touting such a smug slogan, Anonymous imagery was symbolically “imprisoned” at Guantanamo Bay. “We just wanted to show those kids that, yes, we can arrest an idea. We’ve arrested every single one of those snide kids and we’re waiting on evidence so we can make a move on the rest,” said Guantanamo Torture Artist President Obama.

Barrett Brown didn’t have time to comment, as he was busy rewriting his book to reflect how wrong he was about Sabu. When offered advice from Chronicle.SU strategists on countering persona management with increased use of reverse Turing Tests, Brown flew into an uncontrollable rage. “Why should I listen to YOU? You’re just some freak who was completely right when I was woefully wrong about Sabu.” Brown’s indictment for grievous lapses in journalistic ethics remains hilarious, and his continued hijacking of Anonymous for huge personal profits has paid off with his new fake title of “Ex-Anonymous Spokesperson Security Expert.” Brown has been featured by clueless networks like Bloomberg and Russia Today because of his facile relationship with so-called Anonymous ‘Snitch’ leadership.

Kids, the hate’s only beginning! Hold on Tight, because if you think Barrett Brown’s been a silly-nilly wait till you hear about Assange!

Assange has gone completely insane with power! The mission of WikiLeaks has drifted from revealing government ‘cover ups’ of accidental killings of journalists to ratting out internal gossip at Stratfor, a ‘fellow’ publisher! If that’s not enough, they’re responsible for at least one hoax planting lies (!) on a New York Times columnist who would never say such things.


As we all know, Anonymous is a longstanding phenomenon of angry kids who gang up out of nowhere to DDoS web sites that piss them off for some reason. This has been going on long before the term ‘Anonymous’ gave such a group a crystallized identity. Now that the ‘Internet’ and ‘Social Media’ are big things, they’re able to generate huge headlines by leeching of of Internet-related media events and leveraging the ‘cool,’ threatening imagery. Used to be they’d have to take down Yahoo or something to get any attention, but that was back when Yahoo meant something. Kids these days, I’m tellin’ ya…


So now this contrived mantra, “DDoS is something like a sit-in during the Civil Rights movement,” has been put to the fucking test. The sacred WikiLeaks has come under DDoS attack from an opposing camp, AntiLeaks, which considers WikiLeaks a new form of terrorism. The argument, which is consistent with Assange’s own theories, is that these major leaks are not intended to reveal specific crimes but rather to inhibit communications networks and undermine, specifically, America’s imperialism. There’s nails, strings, and planks of wood. You probably couldn’t understand Assange’s transcendently enlightened Theory of Conspiracy without decades of self-absorption.

What did Anonymous say to this act of ‘free speech?’ WE WILL DESTROY YOU, ANTILEAKS!


Assange let his Jimmies get Rustled and became worse than Rupert Murdoch. Much worse. Instead of letting a broken bureaucracy do his dirty work through mismanagement, Assange has engaged directly, if the body of evidence is not all fabricated, in intensely unethical, questionable practices. Enlisting hackers, educating informants in hacking techniques, and putting on hoaxes is not behavior I can defend. It’s disgusting and sick! Shame on Assange! Shame on Brown! Shame on Topiary! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! *chant continues until all of Occupy has been arrested.*



Romney Chooses Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal as Running Mate

Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal, ex-Hindu, and Vice Presidential Pick

BOSTON, MASS. – Early Wednesday morning, Romney fans who signed up for the “Mitt’s VP” app received word that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal would be the Republican Party’s vice presidential candidate.

Jindal’s racial background, says Council on Foreign Relations President Richard Haas, was the deciding factor. “Romney is very, very rich,” says Mr. Haas. “His campaign is parroting the successful exploitation of white guilt, which was instrumental in Obama’s election.”

Conservatives everywhere lauded this selection, seeing Jindal as confirmation of Romney’s dedication to Christian Family Values. “When you combine a Mormon with an ex-Hindu Catholic who doesn’t believe evolution should be taught in school, it sends a clear message of Faith in the American People,” said influential American televangelist Pat Robertson, in a special message on his own Christian Broadcasting Network.

Mr. Robertson continued, “Those liberals think they can hide under the Satanic blanket of identity politics — cynically asking you to vote for someone due to his ethnicity.” Raising and balling up his fist, he continued, “Two can play at that game.”

Mr. Romney has already upset members of the international community, many of whose members say the Jindal pick is an attempt to pander to American Exceptionalism. At a press conference this afternoon, Romney urged for the Republican Party to come together around the Louisiana governor.

“Bobby Jindal,” he says, “is exactly what immigrants to the United States should look like! He’s an American to the core, and that’s why I chose this man to be the next vice president of the United States of America!”

Good News and Bad News

Killed Your Parents!

You can now stay up as late as you want.

Oh and by the way

The possibility of America changing from within is estimated to within 1/1000 margin-of-error by Chronicle standards to be “literally much, much lower” than the Second Coming of The Lord Jesus Christ which George Bush pointed to as his exit strategy for Iraq.

I am too pessimistic to allow for the possibility of anyone possibly actually really working within what I perceive to be a broken system. And when I say broken I mean sand in the gears, and every grain is a greedy corner-cutting fascist with friends who own businesses and legislate fairly enough to the highest bidder and BOTHER with the collective, peon masses of which I include myself.

I take only small pleasure in carving out a living exposing politicians as the two-dimensional shit-eating grinners they are, mainly because of the horrible truths which follow the gay coyness of any given situation in which I find myself being lied to.

That said, working within the system is a matter of working entirely by rules which aren’t written, ignoring the ones that are, and leaving no trace of in-congruence along the way. We’ve been taught all our lives to make excuses bending over backwards to supply to our common enemies every benefit of the doubt just to taste shit in our mouths in the now-compromising position of total subservience to the corporation state.

Dig in! Stay vigilant! Erase debt! Let politics go, but never, ever, give up the personal fight.

Die for an inch, and fill it with satire!

–Raghubir Goyal, Chronicle.su Internal Affairs, United Armed Worker’s Movement, CHRONICLE.SU

‘The Sanest People on Earth’ – From the Internet Chronicle Archives

“If it’s not true for you, it’s not true.”
- Lafayette Ronald Hubbard

RICHMOND, VA. – By 11 a.m. on April 12, 2008, a variety of sunglasses-wearing characters had showed up, only nine in number perhaps, but persistent nonetheless. Their handheld signs disparaged the tax-exempt status of the Church of Scientology for various reasons, including its use of private investigators and what some have considered to be practices physiologically predatory in the purview of mainstream culture. Famously, as the result of a landmark “South Park” episode, the church has been the subject of all manner of ridicule, particularly for its myths about the origins of human strife.


In the words of its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, in the Operating Thetan III technical bulletin:

“The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 yrs ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet — 178 billion on average) by mass implanting. He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the principal volcanoes (Incident 2) and then the Pacific area ones were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic area ones to Las Palmas and there ‘packaged’. His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by mean of circuits, etc. was placed in the implants. When through with his crime, Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him after 6 years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is. ‘They’ are gone. The place (Confed.) has since been a desert.”

Last month was my first official interview with church officials, and the whole rendezvous answered few questions and provoked insulting lies on behalf of both parties. “Sophia Alvarez” is not the real name of the woman who accompanied me into this interview at Manhattan’s Scientology center in Times Square.

CAROL: Through history man has been trying to solve his problems. He’ s done all sorts of things. And many men, including [Aristotle] , have found pieces to the puzzle. It’s not until Mr. Hubbard did the research and found Dianetics did he find all the pieces and aligned them. The only way you know that’s true is when you read it because it’s based on the physical laws of the universe. It’s not mystical. It’s not positive thinking. It’s not anything that’s mysterious. It’s based on physical laws. So when applied to a human being it works uniformly only if they have had drugs. When you were into therapy, did you have drugs?


CAROL: Good. Absolutely good for you, or some kind of evasive treatment that psychiatrists do — lobotomies and shock t reatments, or things of that nature, is the time that Dianetics will not work for you because they have destroyed the parts of the mind to track what has occured to it .

TYLER BASS: Well, I definitely used a wide variety of pharmaceutical agents offered by psychiatry myself, when I was a c hi ld. A whole cocktail!

CAROL: What was the reason?

BASS: I suppose the intent was to treat depression, to say nothing of Scientology, but I wouldn’t say that they worked, the drugs. I was also given Adderall, about psychology, and I think they are well-advised. Oh, also Paxil, especially that one.

CAROL: All of them, sir. All of them.

I felt I had to concede to Scientology some rightful disdain for a pharmaceutical establishment that actually markets anti-depressants on television. If those medications were so essential, then why would they need to make glitz advertisements? For an interesting point of comparison, imagine if grocery stores started to run advertisements for fruits : “Come down to Kroger and try bananas, by Dole. Potassium: invaluable to brain function! ”

Carol communicated her frustration with how she perceived psychiatrists confusing matter with the mind. “The brain, ” she said, “ is like your left leg. It has no more to do with the source of your problems, than if you had a broken leg.”

Janet Reitman at Rolling Stone wrote an excellent article two years before in which she actually got an answer about Xenu, as someone uninitiated, from Scientologific. From that issue:

“[Sea Org member, Mike] Rinder has fielded questions on Scientology’ s beliefs for years. When I ask him whether there is any validity to the Xenu story, he gets red-f aced, almost going into a tirade. ‘It is not a story, it is an auditing level, ’ he says, neither confirming nor denying that this theology exists.”

However, as Alvarez and I would learn in New York City, apparently the church was not willing to keep its story straight on that point.

BASS: I was reading an article. Scientology allowed a PR person to interact with a reporter from Rolling Stone last year. They invited him [sic] to one of their centers in California, and he [sic] asked Scientology what was up with the Xenu story.

CAROL: Wha — what?

[This was the money shot the reporter had come for - ed]

Here, Carol’ s eyes narrowed in what was a halfway honorable but fatuous attempt, nonetheless, to deny having heard of the name of the former intergalactic ruler plastered count less times on the pages and blogs of news monkeys, particularly as then recently as February 2008, when a certain Internet-based group called “Anonymous ” orchestrated protests to increase Xenu awareness.

By that juncture in the interview, I knew that all forthrightness was about to shatter into a thousand pieces on both sides; that is apart from the fact that I had given phony names for myself and “Alvarez” on the way in. That blip from Mel Brook’s film “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” where all of Robin Hood’ s men are simultaneously “bullshit”-coughing, played on loop as Carol began a cat-and-mouse game for the rest of the interview where she lied, knew I knew she was lying, yet tried to give me an answer without giving me an answer.

Thank you for that last part, Carol. I hope, wherever you are, you’re not in some cold locker in the bottom of a Sea Org vessel, wallowing cold and alone in rat excrement.

BASS: The Xenu story.

CAROL: I don’t [sic] know [sic] what [sic] that [sic] is [sic].

BASS: The person replied that it is not a story; it is an auditing level.

CAROL: Xena?

BASS: Xenu. Yeah, this was a PR person for Scientology. I am not making this up.

CAROL: Yeah.

A few moments later, after she had extrapolated for a while on the nature of Scientology’s organized, therapeutic hierarchy, Carol laid down a true gem of a quote that should in all rightness serve as an eternal landmark to the bleach- strong brand of cognitive dissonance available to all inside the walls of Manhattan’s Scientology church.

CAROL: I am going to tell you:  Anybody who would reveal — or, “reveal” is the wrong word — say things such as that, it’s kind of like, my trying to verbally explain what LRH was taking some 4[00] or 500 pages to deliver to you people. It would be like my trying to explain it to you. There are such falsehoods. None of it is true. The only way to know what is on this OT III level is by doing it . Then, he knows what’s on there.

So, in a way, my question was answered, as she referred to OT III, which I had not previously associated with church-ordained knowledge of Xenu (although it certainly is). The kind of semantic runaround regarding the name of Xenu, however, was below mockery at that point. L. Ron Hubbard had no ability to predict the effect of the Internet.

BASS: Here’s what I know: It could be just a complete forgery, and I could be just a fool, but I mean, the point is this. You know, the people who reach that level are told not to disclose any of it .

CAROL: Well, I want to say something to you. Here’s the truth of it: Unless you have done these gradient levels, and I could communicate to you what I have gotten out of [the auditing level] Clear, it might not be real to you. So for me to tell you what I am experiencing that isn’t real, or isn’t real for you but real for me, would be like a distortion of what it is to be Clear. I can communicate to you that I have bursts of personal freedom, that — I can describe it in certain ways in which you have some reality on it, but if I were to tell you that I contacted a past life — now that may be true or that may not be true – but what are you going to think? ‘Is she a nut?’ Every person should seek it out for themselves.

At this point, I figured, aw, shucks, and admitted to having read the highly illicit OT III technical manual. She acted like she was completely surprised, even though it is available at countless destination spots across the Internet’s torrent underground. It is difficult to describe the immensity of the temptation at the time to pull out my laptop and show her all of the copyrighted files, but these Scientologists were famous for their copyright law voodoo. I had neither the means nor the willingness to deal with the fact that she might have had some rapport with the police at the door to deal with researchers such as myself. I held off the temptation of watching her reaction to Hubbard’s own handwriting spelling “Xenu” on a monitor in the interest of avoiding a tangle with the Church.

CAROL: You have read untruths. Total bullshit. It’s distorted. It’s meant to make us look like imbeciles because of one reason alone, one reason only, and I am going to tell you this: There are forces out there — drugs, bikers, oil mongers; there are a couple of others, the media  — who try to enslave our society by their lies. This organization is the most ethical, the most sane, the most supportive; has the tools that can allow people to have some personal freedom.

ALVAREZ: So many people don’t go that way.

CAROL: I’m telling you because, if somebody puts, he says, confidential material from upper levels and puts it on the Internet – first of all, anybody who would attain this state of awareness wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it . He just wouldn’t because he has compassion to reach the state where he would include mankind rather than individualize himself.

While I was too often a fan of flattering myself as an influential member of the news media , my agenda to ens lave my readers was no t been working out so well at the time. I have been researching Scientology for years and have regarded Operating Thetan documents from a variety of sources. Someone, somebody within the church has not only released these documents, but in all serious likelihood this has happened repeatedly. In this respect, Carol was either sincerely duping herself or lying very hard. Essentially, she posits that someone would take the time to forge what are thousands of pages of documents.

What I leave open for all of you Scientology haters out there is this: Would Carol’ s insistence that the documents I saw were fake on the basis of that “fact ” that no Scientologist would ever disclose them provide in court the legal framework to endlessly distribute Scientology’s copyrighted internal documents on the World Wide Web? If Carol were right, then there would be no harm because the documents could not conceivably belong to the church.

The interview with Carol had numerous other brilliant moments of misdirection, prevarication and avoidance on her part. (Our overlords and slave masters, psychiatrists, sometimes refer to this as “blocking.”) These included her denying having heard of the term “Freezoner” to describe the church’ s debased Hubbard-ite relatives practicing in the Eastern Bloc and Germany outside of the financial triangle of Church President David Miscavige .

Of course Carol would trash the German government, which has criminalized Scientology as “oppressive” (thus driving underground the “Freezone” movement). So in a supreme instance of irony, she expressed resentment of the persecutor and the persecuted, who when pressed, in contradiction to her earlier denial of their very existence, she would acknowledge merely as “not practicing Scientology.”

Readers Vow to Be Faithful to Leadership of Raghubir Goyal



Officers and men of the Chronicle Worker’s Army met at the July 4 House of Counterculture Monday to extend the highest glory and congratulations to CWA Supreme Commander Raghubir Goyal on his holding of the title of the (Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party of chronicle.su (AWRP) Editor Marshal, and vow to uphold his leadership with permanent loyalty.

Present there were Tyler Bass, hidden director of the General Political Bureau of the CWA, Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff, Kim Jong Gak, minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, Kilgore Trout, first vice-minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, and other anti-leading officials of the ministry and CWA officers and men.

Tyler Bass read out a decision of the Transhumanist Agenda, the Armed Worker’s Party of chronicle.su, the Central Military Commission of the WPC and the Chronicle Offense Commission and the Presidium of the Supreme Inglip Assembly of the Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party on awarding the title of the AWRP Editor Marshal to Raghubir Goyal.

The participants broke into thunderous cheers in excitement.

Then the floor was taken by the speakers.

Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff of the CWA, offered the highest glory and the warmest congratulations to the respected supreme commander in reflection of the warm respect and ardent loyalty of all CHRONICLE.SU readership.

He said that the title awarded to Raghubir Goyal is a manifestation of the boundless respect of the Mujihadeen and people for the great illustrious commander of Inglip and an event of great significance that displayed their firm will to trust only the supreme commander and follow him.

Raghubir Goyal, who learned about SEIZING POWER in his early years under the care of anti-leader Kilgoar Trout, has developed the CWA into an elite revolutionary death squadron, regarding it as his lifelong mission to accomplish the Inglip revolutionary cause of Transhumanism, using a totally new language to demonstrate the might of the website as a world-level anti-social networking power, he said.

Viet Zam noted that Raghubir Goyal is the best, invincible and iron-willed commander who develops the Chronicle’s Army and fully demonstrates the dignity and might of the internet hate machine with infinite loyalty to the great Generalissimos and rare commanding art.

He said that it is the supreme mission, duty and noble obligation of the readership to reunify the website and achieve the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Inglip, closely united around Editor Raghubir Goyal.

Raghubir Goyal is perfectly possessed on the highest level of the disposition and personality as a modern strategist and statesmen, Kim Jong Gak said.

He has further developed and enrished the Inglip-oriented military ideas, strategies and tactics of the great Generalissimos as required by the era, determined to carry to completion the revolutionary cause of Inglip started in Mt. Bombrain, he noted, adding that a fresh heyday is being opened in the development of the Chronicle’s Army thanks to the energetic leadership of the supreme commander.

The CWA service personnel through their life experience enshrined the absolute truth that only victory and glory will be in store for the strong revolutionary guide of Mt. Bombrain which advances under the wise leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he said, and went on:

We will firmly prepare ourselves to be revolutionary comrades-in-arms who would follow him step by step with pure conscience.

We will make ceaseless innovations in the deconstruction of the main pillars of society, for tearing down a broken nation and improving the standard of people’s living and take the lead in implementing the CHRONICLE PARTY’S intention to provide the people with a happy life under false totalitarianism, bearing in mind Raghubir Goyal’s foggy, inconsistent value system.

Svirgula said that the readership and militant trolls of the AWRP are speeding up their advance for a final victory after overcoming the sorrow over the great loss to the website, adding that it is entirely thanks to Frank Mason who is the best in idea, leadership and virtue, that the ambiguous anti-leader may now assume control.

Saying that it was the ardent wish of all the army and people to award the highest title to the supreme commander, he noted that the militant trolls and Selena Gomez fanbase are so much excited with joy now as they have realized their wish.

The CWA will demonstrate its might as a strong revolutionary arm of social change of Mt. Bombrain in the general offensive toward a final victory under the leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he stressed.

A resolution was adopted at the meeting.