NEW YORK CITY-Police were alerted to a string of random macing incidents in Brooklyn early on Friday morning. Field interrogation of a suspect led police into what appeared to one officer as, “an insane hotbed of violence and hate like I have never seen. The entire place stunk so heavily of pepper-spray that we couldn’t enter without masks.”
“Mace Parties” are a new phenomenon, which have apparently spun off from the Occupy movement. Facing declining interest in the daily Occupy LiveStream Police Confrontation®, protesters armed themselves with pepper spray and secretly took up residence in several abandoned buildings mostly in Brooklyn. Analysts suggest that at this stage, a variety of factors could have triggered the Mace Party, but no one is sure. One theory put forward is that the parties began as in-fighting between Black Bloc Anarchists and the much hated minority known derisively as the “Peace Police.” After the protesters realized that this kind of a confrontation was really actually all they craved, they very quickly became addicted to the rush of pepper spray.
Police were, in fact, lured into the party just to provide more intoxicants. Having spent weeks addicted to pepper spray, the former protest movement was abuzz at the prospect of just one drop of that sweet and rare delicacy, tear gas. As each canister was fired into the forsaken building, the non-lethal pain fiends fell to their knees and inhaled so deeply that some died instantly. Others charged the shield wall of the riot police and were beaten back with night-sticks, only to fly at the phalanx again and again, until the entire floor was a heap of mangled and twitching half-corpses in a shallow pool of blood emanating from the police.
The silver lining, as always, is enjoyed only by the pepper-spray lobby. Mace Parties have created an entirely new demographic for their industry, and black light pepper spray is now the world’s best selling non-lethal party favor.
Preliminary research on social networking sites shows so-called “mace parties” are being held in abandoned buildings at a greatly increasing rate, as the average age of attendees plummets. The Department of Homeland Security suggested parents should be on extremely high alert for children who are caught purposefully building up immunity to non-lethal weapons, even going so far as to suggest parents should turn their children in to local law enforcement in order to preserve National Security. If you own an abandoned building, check it for empty pepper-spray cans. Don’t be an enabler! Pepper Spray is a gateway to more harsh forms of non-lethal force. Nip this problem in the bud.
Richmond, Va.– It’s almost down to freezing here today, and all I can hear are the liberals complaining about this “global warming” supposedly taking place. Is anybody warm? Not me.
I’m cold, inside and out. And I’m just so mad about everything I see going on in politics today. We want to detain enemy soldiers, enemy combatants, people we believe support the enemy cause and damn it we need to keep a tight lid on this, because the crybaby non-partisans are already starting to catch wind of it. They say, “You can’t detain American citizens!” I say, “Not unless we can determine they show support for the enemy.” If they pay so much as a smile to Al Qaeda, then we ought to lock ‘em up. And I mean it. It should have happened sooner, right about the time everybody was bellyaching about “where are the WMDs?” as we liberated Iraq from a tyrannical dictator. Listen, brown people: sooner or later, you’re gonna have to Westernize, that’s just how it is. They weren’t going to do it themselves. Iraqis are not cut from the same cloth as the Arab Springers. In Iraq, they’re a weaker kind of Muslim, but that doesn’t mean we should not try to detain all them too. Jay Leno on latenight sure is a great start, but there are some people whom even Primetime TV can’t help.
I’m a shareholder with Boeing. We understand human suffering. At the same time, we understand war is a necessary enterprise. People can not exist without war. Sometimes war is the only way when you just can’t be together with someone. Sometimes war is the best way. Sometimes war is even kind of fun. Hell, I like war. Boeing creates some of the finest war machines of the 21st Century and I’m proud to hold stock in their company. I just wish people could understand how Boeing and the military-industrial complex helps the war industry create the most jobs out of any other industry. War is quite simply the best approach to the problem of human existence.
Now don’t get me wrong. I hate hearing about women and children suffering as a result of armed conflict sponsored by the United States. I can’t stand it and I know you can’t either which is why I make sure not to run that kind of news, so you don’t feel bad about yourselves and you feel more accepting of wartime conditions, all the time. It’s easier on us all that way. I don’t want to see images of little dead babies in the laps of their crying armless mothers just as bad as you don’t, so hey, let’s just not look at it. Simple as that.
Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.
If more people just learned life is what you make of it, then we’d all be a lot happier, am I right? Of course I am. Now if you want to go and wear black makeup and put a bunch of dark shit on your blog with twenty seven followers, that’s your prerogative but don’t drag the rest of us down with you. Life is what you make of it and I speak for those of us who just want to make money and watch Family Guy. Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.
There are a good number of communists out there, on the internet – or a bad number depending on how you feel – who wish to destroy the very foundations of Democracy upon which this country was built. They’d rather not work and take all your money than see any truly beneficial changes arise out of a free market. But this is all part of a larger campaign against the Freedoms we hold dear in our American hearts. These anarchists want a larger government, and are actively seeking more regulations on an already-suffering market. They do this by sleeping in a nearby park. Despicable.
And that’s where global warming comes in. The cold weather was supposed to run the occupiers out, but soon it will be warm. Were they shouting about global warming to get us to ignore the problem, just so they could use it to their advantage to protest on through the winter? These self-hating liberal American communists are devious creatures, and should be hunted down and detained for the manipulation of truth around global warming and held accountable for the reckless obstruction of sidewalks everywhere.
I used to believe it wasn’t real, it was invented. But it will soon be unseasonably warm for a January so I’ve begun to ask myself: Why global warming? Was it all just a scheme by the liberals to generate distrust in our ecosystem? Or was there actually a false flag attack on our basic understanding of the overall workings of nature – aimed ultimately at tricking the general public into putting innocent bank managers and corporations in the path of Communist occupiers? Their hatred for free enterprise knows no bounds, folks. They’ll stop at nothing. They’re already sleeping in a nearby park, despicably lowering property values in the surrounding area, so why wouldn’t they lie to you?
Do the liberals really hate our freedom so much as to make up a global warming scheme to detract our fickle attention from national security? Today it’s cold, but Monday it will be sixty degrees and sunny. Dear God, are we in the end times?
Anonymous has created a piece of software which partially automates the process of successfully achieving a YouTube partnership. Once an account has been approved, a sophisticated algorithm then finds the most popular videos and posts duplicate videos titled with a nonsense list of the most popular SEO terms. In many cases, these videos have received more views than the original material. A representative of Youtube told us, “YouTube has been able to keep this kind of activity suppressed in the past, but this new piece of software from Anonymous has completely overwhelmed us.” The millions received by Anonymous from this scheme is suspected to have been funneled into anti-copyright lobbyists in the form of bitcoin donations, but there is no way to know for sure.
#OpCopyrightThis, as it is known, also set up its own alternative to YouTube, AnonTube, which is hosted on cloud space rented from a Russian company that doesn’t ask questions. AnonTube features insane amounts of porn as well as Justin Bieber, Akon, and Kanye West music videos. An Anonymous source said, “We are setting up streaming network television shows and hope to stream every single cable channel in time.” This bold use of blackhat SEO combined with copyright theft and corporate advertisement is a remarkably ironic way to fight for freedom from the corporate tyranny of manufactured copyright authority.
One Anon said, “Bitcoin is just like Tor, you’re perfectly safe! Transaction invisible!”
Editor’s note: Stealing copyrighted material and selling corporate ads for its distribution is always a great activity, and I recommend it if you need a few bucks. The more people do it, the harder it will be to stop. Trust me, we need to lube our lobbyists up with cash and get them bribing elected officials if we want some change, and it’s not so hard when you just use bitcoins and put corporate ads on stolen copyrighted material. FINALLY, criminals like us, with millions of stolen dollars, can participate in the political process like a corporation!!!1 No one will know where the shit came from, and no one can fucking ever know! In fact, send the bitcoins to Chronicle.SU, and you can trust we’ll take care of the rest. Here’s our address: 18zJouAQAMzX5sJygZ4M2QV7yb8FzxSbdq Fractions of Bitcoins Welcome!
Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.
To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.
Area furries check out hot Christmas deals
Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.
Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy, fursona.
Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.
Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”
After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.
Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”
One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”
As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”
Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”
Lynchburg, VA – Southwest Virginia Furs – FURRY NEWS NETWORK
"I know you're tired of hearing it, but just to be sure: now we CAN kidnap US citizens with this, right?"
Washington, D.C.– Good, patriotic Americans applauded yet more consummate abuses of power Thursday as US President Barack Hussein Obama demanded provisions to the National Defense Authorization Act to “make no exceptions” for the indefinite detainment of “US citizens and legal residents.”
The security-enhancing provision to kidnap and indefinitely detain unsightly US citizens was later put on his desk after Obama rejected the annual funding bill because military powers were not extended to encapsulate the livelihoods of every American citizen.
“I think it’s just the greatest thing ever,” said Sally Melbank, 44, of Roanoke County. “It’s exactly what this country needs and will hopefully get rid of what it don’t.”
American citizens deemed to have misused their sweet, precious freedoms can – and will – be tortured not only on American soil, but moved to secret prisons around the world – for their entire lives – if necessary.
“You could be engaged in terrorism,” said chronicle.su political analyst Tony Minginle, who worked with bill co-sponsors to ensure language used in the legislation was as draconian as possible,
“Or you could just be a donator of funds to a deemed terrorist group, such as Wikileaks. Or you might be doing nothing at all. For example, maybe you just write satire for a subversive internet publication because you like saying crazy shit. Perhaps most importantly, we’ll never know because you do not get a costly and time-consuming trial where time and tax dollars are wasted determining your supposed innocence.”
“Fuck it,” he said. “Let God sort ‘em out.”
The legislation represents brave defiance of human rights to personal freedom and due process. By this point in American history, open assassination of US citizens, abuse of power, and squelching of free speech have become commonplace and codified. Provisions to the NDAA merely serve to clarify the US Government’s basic contempt for rampant freedom on a level “even FOX News viewers can understand.”
If you are deemed to be a “supporter of Al Qaeda, Taliban, or associated forces, you can be detained by the military and held indefinitely.”
And that is why we have decided to announce our official support for Al Qaeda, the Taliban and associated forces.
It’s the American thing to do.
Old Brutus, “Debbie Downer” and ex-leader of CHRONICLE.SU, was approached by journalists for comment on this delicate matter. After some argument over his affiliation with the underground hatesite, he objected to our presence but also had this to say:
We’ve lost all our rights and the regime is, by now, totally fascist.
If we make it to the year 2014, that’ll be the year all hell breaks loose in America. We’re stranded in the middle of an ocean of dung, walking on an oil slick and somebody just struck a match to the god damn thing.
The police are never punished, but rewarded, for bad behavior. The government is dedicated to maximizing profits. The people are cows.
I’ve never felt more certain about anything than the doom hanging over us.
We’re fucked. But please take this as a token of my condolences.
What a kook, AMIRITE!?
Cheer on the erosion of your own rights as you fulfill the prophecy contained within this mujahideen chant.
Key members of the U.S. Senate have privately avowed to have chronicle.su taken down forever.
WASHINGTON– PRECLUDING THE PROTECT IP ACT, FEDERAL ACTION WAS TAKEN LATE SATURDAY NIGHT AGAINST THE CHRONICLE.SU IN ONE OF A HANDFUL OF “PLANNED ATTACKS” AGAINST WEBSITES “DEDICATED TO INFRINGING ACTIVITIES.” THE NATURE OF THE ATTACK, HOWEVER, IS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED.
THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY IN QUESTION [WHOSE AUDIO COPYRIGHT BELONGS TO A DEAD HOBO] IS NOT HOSTED AT CHRONICLE.SU, MEANING NOT ONLY ARE THE ACTIONS TAKEN AGAINST THE CHRONICLE ILLEGAL, THEY ARE AN ABUSE OF POWER GRANTED BY A LAW WHICH DOESN’T EVEN EXIST YET.
"Hammer those Chronicle boys into shape with THIS!"
THE CHRONICLE.SU IS ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN LEGAL BATTLES WITH “SEVERAL” MEMBERS OF THE UNITED STATES SENATE, NAMELY A DISCREET LIST OF CO-SPONSORS OF THE “PROTECT IP ACT.” NOT ONLY DOES OUR TAKEDOWN SUBVERT THE FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS OF CHRONICLE STAFF [ALL AMERICAN CITIZENS] BUT THE ASSAULT COMES DIRECTLY FROM WITHIN THE GOVERNMENT [IN CONTRAST TO RECENT ATTACKS BY RIGHTWING PSEUDOHACKERS KNOWN WITHIN THE INTERNET COMMUNITY AS "SCRIPT KIDDIES"].
DOING YOUR PART:
FREEDOM ISN’T FREE. TO COVER OVERSEAS HOSTING COSTS AND “INCREASING DRUG INTAKE” THE CHRONICLE.SU STAFF IS PASSIVELY ACCEPTING BITCOIN DONATIONS AT THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS:
THE EMBATTLED CHRONICLE.SU HAS BROKEN OFF FROM THE UNITED STATES AND HAS EXPRESSED CONTROVERSIAL SOLIDARITY WITH UNCONVENTIONAL PARTNERS: THE SEPARATIST MOVEMENT PKK, THE KURDISTAN WORKERS’ PARTY.
THE PKK IS A KURDISH MILITANT ORGANIZATION WHICH HAS SINCE 1984 BEEN FIGHTING AN ARMED STRUGGLE AGAINST THE TURKISH STATE FOR AN AUTONOMOUS NATION AND GREATER HUMAN RIGHTS FOR ALL PEOPLE.
CHRONICLE.SU IS REPORTED TO HAVE RECEIVED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN EXCHANGE FOR ONGOING POLITICAL SUPPORT TO THE COMMUNIST REGIME.
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
THE ATTACKS AGAINST THE CHRONICLE.SU AND LEBAL DROCER WILL NOT STAND. THE CHRONICLE.SU WILL NEVER DIE. CENSORSHIP IS QUIET. THE TRUTH IS LOUD.
THEY WILL DO ALL THAT THEY CAN TO CHIP AWAY AT OUR FREEDOMS OF SPEECH. THIS IS ONE IN A MYRIAD OF PECKS INTO A STONE MOUNTAIN OF UGLY TRUTHS THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW. WE WILL WIN.
Herman Cain, seen here in ecstasy, releases a quiet fart before thousands of people during a Tea Party rally.
Sexual harasser and Black RepublicanHerman Cain bought himself Presidential Publicity last week in another spiky thrust of his fake presidential campaign, selling hundreds of thousands of books each time he utters the phrase “999.”
999 is a self-help algorithm designed by Herman Cain to prey on your weakness. Cain demonstrates all the political prowess of a true Tea Party frontrunner, including self-hatred, the ability to exploit any situation for a buck, and a distinct determination to sodomize the Vice Presidential nominee of his choice, provided it costs him the election.
But is a truckload of pussy and book money all that Cain hopes to gain by running for president? In his latest ad, an image of a man dragging a cigarette is followed by what can only be described as a trollface.jpg. See for yourself:
Hint: while watching this video, press 9 as many times as necessary.
He squints his eyes and widens his grin perfectly, letting all of America know that they have been trolled. It would have been better for Cain, whose campaign organization is one smoking man, to not even waste money on this ad. However, top analysts of the E.W.T. Political Institute suggest Cain had to gloat in his own way about all the money he’s made selling books, and could think of no better gesture than to offer the nation a close-up image of his shit-eating grin in real-time.
Eli Wesley, Chief Emotional Pathologist at E.W.T. said Americans watched anxiously as Cain’s eyes softened from conviction into hateful fear before a deflated smile crept across his face. “And in one final boastful moment, you could actually feel his pain radiating outward, becoming yours.”
Meanwhile, in the real world, everything political actors do is satire in itself, of the system that put them on the stage. And that is why America is the greatest country in the world. We don’t mind politics being a glib reality TV series instead of useful policy making. Hell, this is much more entertaining. But they’re less like Justin Bieber and more like that house band that played out on the deck of the Titanic as it sank. Just plain creepy, but that’s only because it’s Halloween! See? Trust your government, America!
And for Halloween, Michael Moore is dressing up in blackface as Herman Cain, as he similarly has leveraged #OccupyWallStreet to sell his book, which is entitled “Here Comes Trouble.”
Sell the fuck out of that book, buddy boy. Sell it until your big fat heart stops.
Why on earth would they teach that in a public school when so hard the media fought against it? Show us the news in schools from now on. Let’s watch the war live this 2012. It really is the end times.
The Mayans predicted there’d be no one to vote for.
Michelle Obama demonstrates a secret communist socialist gang sign.
A vote of no confidence on voting. Remember when first ladies did stuff? I mean at least Tipper Gore made us look at awesome EXPLICIT LYRICS labels on our music (so the cool kids know what to buy). Michelle Osama, what’s she done besides smuggle terrorists across the border on Air Force Won? What’s she done besides destroy our economy? What’s she done besides live off welfare? I’m tired of paying her way! I work. I pay my $65 in child support every month. Where are my government handouts?
Sometimes when I play the piano I feel like I’m hearing explicit lyrics. [the following is the sound of Old Brutus playing the piano: BANG YREAH BITCH PING PING PING PING BANG BITCH YEAAAAH]
I SAID I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT. Where was you, bitch! Where was you! Where was YOUR DAD OBAMA (Kenya) when you needed child support? They don’t like government handouts in the fucking savanna either, do they Black Obama? Why you gotta fuck your own people man? It’s cool for people to shit you out in the desert and you can become president but Mexicans who do it can’t even be citizens? Fucking hypocrite. I say lynch ‘em all! God damn it!
WHERE’S DARYN MORAN?
Oh there he is
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Knowing the kind of scum he is for sponsoring the Protect IP Act, Senator Gayhy will most probably spin my phone call as a threat and have my INTERNETZ REVOKED
Senator Leahy is so confused by computers, he had to ask his son to explain the family’s brand new abacus.
Senator Leahy is so corrupted by corporate greed Crayola paid him to endorse their newest green crayon.
Senator Leahy is so committed to the destruction of the bill of rights, he has a bell in his office that rings every time Facebook transacts your information with the government. The bell is broken. In place of silence, he hears the faint screaming of souls.
Senator Leahy can only get hard when someone challenges him to abuse women’s rights in new and exciting ways.