Tom and his JNCOs
Roanoke, Va.–”I used to wear these in middle school, when everybody was doing it. We’d put these jeans on and quietly sit expanding our consciousnesses to Coal Chamber, KoRn, and Insane Clown Posse,” said unemployed Thomas Cranwell, 25, inside his mother’s home where he still resides.
Instead of waiting for the late-90s style to return, experts say he should start hanging out with the right people.
“Still highly sought after by juggalos, JNCOs are the rarest type of jeans found in goodwill,” said InDesign TV’s fashion expert Claude Montagne.
The world's largest pair of JNCO's
“They look like a skirt, sometimes, or like a pair of shorts for a giant,” said Montagne, adding, “You drop something in the pockets of a JNCOs and you can forget about it.”
JNCOs were easy to spot in the late 90′s, and were typically held up with one hand while the other hand swayed out at a 45-degree angle, as if the wearer was constantly battling the urge to stiff-arm imaginary children.
The Lee Pipes model, ex-competitor to JNCO, no longer extends ten feet outward in all directions. Following hipster fashion, Lee Pipes now makes skinny, constrictive jeans for people who are just now getting on board.
JNCO’s doctors and lawyers warn against this particular style of jeans, citing reproductive issues as a cause for concern.
“Any male who wears these constrictive jeans for too long risks severe damage to his scrotum, penis, and even the vas deferens,” said El Wax Research Department, Berkeley, California Chairman Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, expert in Urology.
“Vas deferens?” he added incredulously, “How do they work!?”
The vas deferens is an eighteen inch tube carrying sperm from the epididymis to the ejaculatory ducts. Or, as Insane Clown Posse explains it: “Miracles.”
“Magic everywhere in this bitch.”
Thomas Cranwell said he will hang onto the jeans for at least another decade, holding out either for a relapse in fashion sense or for an open letter of apology from the JC Penny’s that sold him the pants.
“In the meantime,” he said, “I pick a particularly tough day after work and wear them as an aid to my sense of well-being.”
“You better watch out. She’ll lay that pussy on you.”
Drinking beers, sharing fears. Drunk and eager women splay themselves across me while the fire burns our legs. And I look into her eyes to find lust and distrust, and an attitude of despondency coupled with belligerence, if it feels good.
It’s open season on the American way of life. The FBI can safely and legally plant tracking devices on your car now. Until it goes to the Supreme Court, which it might never, it’s legal – even if “outlawed” it will go on. Who enforces the law? The criminal dogs that oversee us.
Fraudulence infects every facet of human behavior, life, and lies are the ethical way, so as not to hurt or dismiss another’s potential to suck you off.
Fuck this fake-ass charade, puppeteer conglomerate meltdown frenzy. Millions of Americans ready to work and can’t get shit off the ground. Credit bubble human enslavement crisis not only on the horizon but in our faces. In our blood, in our bank accounts, the freedom virus lives, breeds, counter intuitively thrives on your ignorance, and pattern of submission.
The government knows what you do, where you sleep. Get your cars checked out. If you’re trouble, then you’re watched. Of course, you’re not trouble. You just write stupid shit. Bomb shit.
If you write anything at all, which you don’t.
Empty notebooks stare back at you in a jealous fit, so eager to be full as you, and yet so blank and pathetic. Like you.
"Yes, I was in perfect control."
Clarksville, Tn.–Today, a bitch-ass pig gave a really cool guy an award slip in recognition of his driving prowess.
Elf Wax writer Feces McGee was on his way from an executive meeting of winners when he was pulled over for driving the speed limit through a school zone.
He was cited the Award for Driving Near or Under the Speed Limit in presence of children; however because children are somehow more important than normal tax-paying citizens, everyone must drive twenty miles per hour slower when near them, or else Darwinian evolution might be allowed to unfold as it should, and McGee was doubly awarded the privilege to pay homage to their budding potential through the local court system.
Officer Bill Oinkenheimer of the Clarksville Police Department in Montgomery County, Tennessee said all proceeds go toward new police tasers which are used to defend our freedoms.
“Without this bad boy,” Oinkenheimer said, tapping his yellow snub-nosed taser, “I’d be nothing.”
However, independent sources have verified police officers are in actuality less than nothing. Considered by many American citizens to be a gang-like abscess on society, police officers rarely defend the interests of the people or the misplaced values inherent in the United States Constitution, in spite of the fact every precinct is a Federally accredited agency.
But the Montgomery County Police Department said in a statement Tuesday the police don’t exist to uphold the constitution – and no one does. The job of the police, their spokesperson said, is to help get people in a place where God can sort them out. Many times, this involves prison, unorthodox beatings, or a good old-fashioned lynching. “What people gotta understand,” Officer Oinkenheimer contested, “Is that the Constitution is merely a guideline for how things orta be. We do things differently here in Montgomery County. For example, just look around you: see any Niggers?”
Indeed, Clarksville, and all of Montgomery County, for that matter, consists of poor white trash, and what good fortune it is to the world their accidental, snaggle-tooth offspring are protected by 100 feet of a too-slow-to-even-make-sense-of-it-in-time speed limit.
Billy Rape Cyrus joins callgirl daughter for on-stage duet about the dangers of sexting.
Los Angeles, Calif.–Billy Ray said sexting between family members is not considered incest and proposed the idea of legalizing child porn. He said it would “aid in the promotion” of his daughter’s newly famous crotch shots that got that guy in a lot of trouble.
Miley Cyrus gave the go ahead on sales of the photo when she realized she could no longer get by on her jailbait status alone.
Stay tuned for more details on the rapid decline of the Cyrus family country music sex dynasty as November 23 approaches.
miley cyrus goes on the record to demonstrate the awesome dangers of sexting, and of growing up with a pimp for a daddy, who himself is a whore
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Why is my daddy dead? And who is this man?
Anytown, USA–Elmo and his muppet friends are coming on PBS tonight at 8 pm, along with Katie Couric, who is best remembered for disguising her live colonoscopy on NBC’s Today Show as investigative journalism.
In tonight’s program, Elmo and Katie Couric (also a puppet) help very young people come to grips with death by accepting it as a never-ending facet of reality. The program is sponsored by Lockheed-Martin, the world’s largest manufacturer of war machines, and industry leaders of death.
Elmo and Katie will tell stupid people how to explain government-assisted death to children, as well as coping with sadness, fear and anger – but in such a way that does not necessarily challenge the status quo. For example, one should always fear terrorists, Elmo says, but not Father dying after being sent to fight them. As well, feelings of anger should never be allowed to crystallize into rage, because this is known to lead to convictions – and, later in life – anti-government attitudes.
The adorably dangerous Elmo is seen here friendly-fire-bombing American troops to help demonstrate actual loss, and how death can strike anywhere at any time, even “unintended” targets like children at an Afghan wedding.
Elmo helps families grieve
Of course, the above image is photoshopped. The burning corpse you see in Elmo’s imagination used to be a family man “in real life,” but now he is a hero. Elmo is a well-known and respected Patriot. And he helps families grieve.
BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO GRIEVE ABOUT.
That’s right, he really is firebombing your loved ones! This is because Sesame Street hates America and has systematically undermined her power-hungry, Emperial nature from the very beginning by propagating messages of non-violence and “understanding,” contradicting our actions overseas, and making us look weak before China and Mother Russia, outspoken violence advocates.
“At this point,” explained Admiral Mullen of the United States Army, “they may as well sabotage our new F22 Raptors, which if you’ll look behind me are– what the fuck? ELMO, NO!“
This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Your PREMIERE War Contractors!
HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010
Imperial March music plays in the background. It is rumored that Hamas has infiltrated the protest group and plans to bring down Democracy from the inside out. This is why the Public Works Department is fining the ANSWER Coalition into the ground.
tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton
thousands of people march down the street
A drum circle settles the angry crowds.
this guy with the "kill the bill" sign was a Ron Paul supporter, and a 9/11 Truther who believes the World Trade Center was rigged with explosives and fell due to a controlled explosion and not the airplanes crashing into buildings
On the WTC, our reporter asked this man, who is a Ron Paul supporter and a 9/11 Truth Movement…advocate-guy, “Ron Paul said he doesn’t believe there were bombs in the World Trade Center.”
He responded, “[He has] to say that because he’s a politician.”
To which we asked, “Why are you going to vote for someone who’s just gonna lie to get elected?”
The Islamic holocaust.
Indict the previous president for what's happening now. It's all his fault.
if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda
Roughly five or six thousand people attended the protest rally to march.
A few people were arrested or detained. Earlier in the day, a group of people belonging to Iraq Veterans Against War (IVAW) tried to put down a mud stencil on the sidewalk. The police got mad about it and cited a statute under D.C. law that you can’t put out a mud stencil. Protesters were no longer allowed near that area.
Wayne Brauer and Matthieux Chiraux were detained. Cindy Sheehan was arrested for who knows how many times in a row. She’s planning to camp somewhere, too.
Nader showed up but would not speak to reporters. At least not Elf Wax reporters.
Ramsey Clark, Saddam Hussein’s attorney was present but also would not speak to us.
Washington, D.C.–Tomorrow, Americans will march on the White House in protest of the ongoing war occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. Demonstrators Thursday called Bush and Obama’s wars an “illegal war for empire.”
The ANSWER coalition (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) has been fined $7,500 for putting up signs in a move by the government that Brian Becker of the ANSWER Coalition said is “trying to limit or eviscerate or criminalize grassroots organizing itself.”
They were fined for handing out leaflets and putting up posters and signs, which the Department of Public Works has demanded the organization’s members remove.
Becker said that for eighteen months they have been targeted, accumulating between seventy and eighty thousand dollars in fines.
President of Veterans for Peace Mike Ferner said, “We will not be leaving Iraq and Afghanistan unless enough people in this country stand up.”
Organizers say the Afghanistan conflict is “Obama’s War,” just as Iraq was Bush’s war, and there is no difference between the two Presidents’ war policies.
Becker said a growing number of people oppose “the expanding war in Afghanistan, the continued occupation Afghanistan, [and] the continued occupation of Iraq.”
Cindy Sheehan, who garnered public attention in 2005 for camping outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Tex. said, “Some people have abandoned the antiwar movement, have abandoned peace, since Obama’s been president. But we need to re-create a movement.”
Pondolfino of Military Families Speak Out said Thursday, “I’m the proud mother of an active-duty infantry soldier…We love and support our troops. And it is because we do that we will vocally show our opposition whenever our government sends them to ill-advised, immoral, unwinnable wars.”
Tyler Bass will report in to The Elf Wax Times via cell-phone, sending large photographs of the demonstration as it unfolds throughout the day, starting in LaFayette park across the street from the White House, and throughout the march on Washington in which tens of thousands of people are expected to participate.
Click to enlarge
LOS ANGELES, CA–In a shocking turn of events today, an action-packed chase scene has led both a protagonist and an antagonist to a downtown rooftop.
The chase scene began earlier today as the adversary hijacked an exotic, foreign car and was pursued by the detective/cop protagonist’s unmarked Dodge Charger on a Los Angeles freeway around rush hour. Things began to escalate rapidly when the stolen, high-powered vehicle began traveling on the wrong side of the highway into oncoming traffic, causing several minor accidents. The vehicle hit speeds up to 95 mph before crashing into a slower, generic sedan, triggering an extraneous explosion. The antagonist was able to escape the vehicle seemingly unharmed, prompting the pursuit to advance on-foot towards downtown.
Once the chase scene reached a rooftop via an oddly convenient stairwell, both individuals were seen leaping from one building to another, a gap of at least five feet. A viewer watching the events unfold told the Times, “It’s like nothing [he'd] ever seen before,” adding that he had not seen many action films.
At press time, the rooftop pursuit was still underway, leaving limited outcomes, but likely will end with the suspect leaping from the building, landing on parked vehicle or crashing through an adjacent window.
Today, Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes were scattered off the South African coast in a ceremony 62 years late. This was an all too appropriate metaphor for the state of peace in today’s world. India is an emerging country full of promise and growth. However, it is engaged in a nuclear cold war with long-time enemy Pakistan. Both countries may soon go the way of Gandhi. At any moment, every man woman and child may be reduced to nothing but radioactive dust spread across the high seas.
Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed. Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.
Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.
Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.
Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.
Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.
“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”
If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.
Who's taking care of their business here?
So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.
And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.
“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.
Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.