Syrian Liberation Looming, Commerce Dept.: Streaming Al Jazeera English a ‘Felony’

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America's Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America’s Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

WASHINGTON – As a full-scale NATO offensive against Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad looms, the Obama administration’s Commerce Department is ensuring that Americans have full access to accurate information about the upcoming struggle. Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker said Tuesday that any Americans attempting to Web-stream Al Jazeera English, as opposed to Al Jazeera America, would face felony charges.

In an on-the-record teleconference Tuesday Sec. Penny Pritzker said, “Al Jazeera America is the go-to source for Americans interested in news about the conflict. In a time of war, it’s time for Americans to unify around one story and one nation.”

State Public Affairs Undersecretary Tara Sonenshine joined Sec. Pritzker on the call, and added what she described as “much-needed” context to State Secretary Hillary Clinton’s Spring 2011 advisement that Al Jazeera English had proven the “real news.”

It was then, in the midst of the Arab spring, that Sec. Clinton said, “Al Jazeera has been the leader in … literally changing people’s minds and attitudes” and that it had been “really effective.”

Ms. Sonenshine addressed complaints by disloyal Al Jazeera staff, published in Lebanon’s Al Akhbar, that Al Jazeera had become oblivious to suffering allegedly caused at the hands of the Free Syrian Army’s freedom fighters.

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Ms Sec. Sonenshine said, “Unfortunately, frivolous public statements by violators of NDAs [nondisclosure agreements] have compromised what remains an interest in global awareness and the free flow of information.”

The high-level officials’ comments echo a Commerce Department position articulated last month. A department Green Paper made clear the administration’s position that Congress should “enact legislation adopting the same range of penalties for criminal streaming of copyrighted works as now exists for criminal reproduction and distribution.” As the liberation of Syria has become more certain, Congress has acted to ensure that violators of intellectual property rights are delivered justice.

“Would-be offenders,” said Ms. Sonenshine, “should understand our commitment to protecting the innovation of all of our global partners, including Al Jazeera America. I want the international community to understand we take our IP [intellectual property] obligations as seriously as ever.”

Al Jazeera provided what the state secretary regarded as “cutting-edge” coverage of the Arab Spring. Since then, the Qatar-based news service has launched a new channel, Al Jazeera America, tailored especially to the interests and – said Undersecretary Sonenshine – self-interests of middle-class Americans.

Sec. Pritzer cited her concern that citizens might become “confused” about the United States’ and al-Qaeda’s new, mutual front against the barbarism of the Assad regime. Al-Qaeda, a Salafist and Wahhabist group slandered throughout the Gulf, is now on the front lines against the Syrian evildoers.

“While Americans have every right to feel misgivings over al-Qaeda’s role in perpetrating the 9/11 attacks,” said Sec. Pritzker, “it is far more important, for national security, for them to now remember the plight of Syrians suffering from the Assad regime’s morally obscene deployment of weapons of mass destruction.” Added Pritzer, “The agenda of freedom in the Middle East is larger than any given sect or clique. We can’t kowtow to domestic extremists bent on enforcing their grudges on the rest of civil society.”

Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

“Gravity Bong” Explodes Mans Lungs

BOULDER, CO — Chet Goodman, 19, was killed last night when his lungs exploded from the use of what is called a “gravity bong,” to forcibly inhale marijuana smoke. Goodman had just returned to Boulder from his hometown of Los Angeles for fall semester at Colorado University, when his roommates suggested to ceremoniously get high together in their posh, but modest college mansion below the mountains.

Charles Webster, one of Goodman’s roommate, stated “We were about to get on’n smoke a little out of our regular bong, since we just got all back together from summer break and then Chad[Conrad] suggested we use a gravity bong instead.”

A gravity bong is a homemade device made from the severed top of a milk jug or in this case, a Hinckley Springs water cooler jug. A makeshift screen is created at the top where the marijuana is placed. The device is then lowered into a sink full of water, leaving the top exposed, as to not wet the marijuana. Fire is then applied to the pot as the contraption is then slowly lifted upward filling it with smoke and leaving the bottom partially submerged to keep the smoke contained. Users then remove the screen, placing their mouths on the lid and pushing the bong back into the water, effectively forcing the smoke into their lungs for a more “stony” high.

When reached for comment, the Internet Chronicle‘s Chief Scientist and DEA liaison, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said hazily, “Anyone stupid enough to fucking force shit into their lungs like that deserves to fucking die, man.”

The third roommate, Chad Conrad, who suggested they use a gravity bong is being held in Boulder County jail and has been officially charged with manslaughter and possession of marijuana without a medical card.

Canadian PM Against Human Trafficking Totally Looks Like The Human Trafficking Type

Stephen Harper has that look on his face | chronicle.su

Canada’s ultra conservative Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, bears the resemblance of your typical sexual predator.

His wavy, artificial, parted hair shell – his coy, lazy smile and sloppy gaze, and his unbuttoned shirt and dad-glasses don Harper with the unassuming appearance of an aloof summer camp counselor, youth group coordinator, or varsity league football coach.

Regular sexual intercourse with young boys on the ‘whore boats’ of Lake Superior gives a man that uncanny glow, which Mr. Harper seems to shine everywhere he goes.

Harper, who stated that his government is “firmly committed” to combating human trafficking, was probably referring to the firmness of his dick for aboriginal prostitutes who, because of their marginalized positions in society, are offered no real protections from exploitation, but instead are issued politically convenient promises.

Oftentimes these people who are most against prostitution are the worst offenders.

Tyler Bass, Chief Executive

Many First Nations women, children and even babies are trafficked throughout Canada by the Harper regime under the umbrella of their own “protection,” similar to the Bosnian girls being trafficked out of their own nation into Europe and Russia by the UN peacekeeping forces designated to protect them specifically from that behavior.

Sometimes women are even trafficked across Lake Superior into the United States, author Dave Dean tells us. But mostly the Harper-sanctioned trafficking occurs within Canada, where his tyranny reigns unchecked through the alteration of federal documents.

“Oftentimes these people – typically they’re these hyperconservative types – who are most against [prostitution] are the worst offenders,” said Tyler Bass, Chief of the The Internet Chronicle’s Washington, D.C. bureau. “Like Republican Senator Larry Craig, for example: Craig of course was the outspoken anti-gay politician who was caught soliciting sex from strangers in an airport men’s room. You see this all the time in politicians.”

The Harper scandal is only just beginning to unfold, so monitor hashtag #harperscandal and stay tuned to The Internet Chronicle for the latest sensational headlines and more, brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This broadcast issued graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We Own Capital.™

Illuminati No Longer A Conspiracy Theory

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake.

LONDON — Reporters met with the anonymous Grandmaster and ranking 33rd degree member of the Illuminati, who stepped out of the shadows to accept responsibility for 9/11. The Grandmaster told Internet Chronicle Reporters, “9/11 was supposed to convince the world once and for all that religion is not the way to a better world. Our insiders at the CIA staged it all, and reports of agents meeting with and paying off Osama Bin Laden are true.”

The Grandmaster continued, “The Illuminati is losing the symbol war for the first time since the Renaissance. Humanism is now on the decline, and this change was marked by the Seagull which landed when the new pope was elected as well as the mystical experience which directed Pope Benedict to step down. Soon, humanity will enter another bloody age of Faith, and Pope Francis will rehabilitate the Church’s power of influence.”

Dr. Troubador, a critic of Humanism, responded, saying, “When people started treating other people as dead matter and objects of study, that’s when you saw the rise of things like prisons and insane asylums. Now every school and workplace is equivalent to a prison. A meaningless life like that is worth a hill of beans to its owner, and people tend to become replaceable parts in heartless machines. The so-called middle-ages have a bad reputation. In fact, they’re only looked at negatively because of Illuminati slanders which began in the Renaissance.”

Troubador continued to explain, “Banking elites, having fallen for the Humanist notion engendered by the Illuminati, believe that growth is something that can only be quantified with numbers. Having no understanding of their own qualitative lives, they have arranged things so that homogeneous, superficial, and hollow culture has widely proliferated. This is perhaps reflected best by the food, which has become monstrous through genetic modification while at the same time containing less nutrients. However, it seems the market has now recognized this in a small degree, and consumers are taking any escape they can from the sterility of Humanism.”

Resolute, the Grandmaster of the Illuminati declared, “Perhaps we pushed Humanism too far. Our designs were too good and undid themselves. It may be another thousand years before we once more control the world of Art, but for now it is in the hands of the church. We will harry each new religion that springs up in this fertile environment and stamp each into the ground. We will continue to stage large-scale attacks like 9/11 to pit religions against one another. We will stage Arab Spring after Arab Spring, if that’s what it takes, but one day all Religions will finally be Annihilated.”

President Obama Pardons Chelsea Manning

WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.

As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.

Mitt Romney says Bradley Manning got what he deserved

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney.

Chances are, you voted for me in the 2012 elections and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my cold black heart. Really, I mean it. We didn’t lose that election, by the way. It was stolen. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today.

This is a message to all American citizens

even the gay ones, because you’re people too

Our government is hunting its political opponents and using the NSA to Hoover stuff up about us and publish it online.

Wow

Wow, Mitt Romney.

During the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, the FBI and NSA teamed up with Qwest Communications International, Inc. – a Lebal Drocer subsidiary – to intercept my emails for about six months during the event. They monitored the content of all email and text messages in the Salt Lake City area.

That includes me.

I’m Mitt Romney, I should have won the election, and that faggot Bradley Manning got what he deserved. It’s because of people like him that we can’t have freedom.

It’s because of Fagley Manning that I lose the election. Now they’re gonna spy superhard on all the rest of you.

And you know what? I’m glad.

I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message.

Mitt Romney is owned and operated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Texan newborn charged with murder after absorption of twin

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin brother in his mother's womb.

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.

HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”

Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”

The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”

100 Molested Children Bring Class Action Lawsuit Against Hatesec Enterprises

Supple milky skin ‘No Excuse,’ say parents

At least 100 children were allegedly harmed at an event outsourced to employees of Hatesec Enterprise. Hatesec Enterprise is an Internet startup company sponsored by celebrity entrepreneur Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer and Lebal Drocer, Inc. The company’s mission statement states its primary goal is to bring jobs to marginalized white American citizens amid a nationwide influx of Hispanic, Latino and Middle Eastern wage earners.

Lebal Drocer Inc Touched All Dem Children

Documents suggest a controversial Lebal Drocer subsidiary designed to fuck kids may be responsible for at least 100 fucked kids.

The children harmed by Hatesec Enterprise are shielded by various child protection laws from revealing their identities, however they may soon reach an agreement preventing them from discussing the matter any further with anyone except for their team of pro-Bono attorneys donated by the kind hearted Lebal Drocer Association For The Advancement Of Fucked Kids.

Anonymous sources inside the company have revealed the scandal might have erupted from the so-called Sex Abuse “Hot”Line, a controversial wing of the startup company designed to put America’s worst sex offenders to work – a feat key social rehabilitation specialists said was impossible before now.

“We really should have seen this coming,” said Internet Chronicle Special Victims and National Security Staff Reporter Dan K. Story. “Their mission statement was to rape people professionally, and people are mad about this? I say everybody needs to calm down and let the free market work out a real solution.”

Story went on to explain the complex relationship between the Federal Government and free market economics: “If the government cracks down on this now, then we’re all going to be headed down a slippery slope of Big Government ruling every facet of our lives. See? This is why we need a domestic drone program.”

Past settlements have stated no children can speak publicly about Lebal Drocer, Inc. or its subsidiaries without express, written permission signed by company President and CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Such is sexpected to be the case as their hearing goes before the courts Monday.

This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

No children were directly harmed during the production of this news story.

Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.