ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN


Guangdong, Cn.–Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a “game” known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users “1500 affection”, a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet’s willingness to do what one says. Pets are “captured” for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of “SidorooloFrom” generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don’t really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, “STRAT GAME” in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.

Noggin

Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.

No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:

WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?

Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:

§ 14-177. Crime against nature – North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.

“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one’s sexual partner.”

That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.

This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:

“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)

This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.

In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.

Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law.
There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.

This is insane!

After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.

Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:

http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/newseek.cgi?site=ctc&state=nc

Vultures Of The Human Kingdom

The vulture cleans up messes in nature, which would otherwise cause health problems. They don’t attack healthy animals, but focus on dead and dying animals. Botulinum toxin, the toxin that causes botulism, does not affect them, and they can eat rotten flesh containing anthrax, rabies, and cholera bacteria, with no ill health effects. The vulture’s sense of smell is so great, that they are able to smell the dead they focus upon from great heights. Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, until their stomach bulges, and then sit, sleepy and groggy, until they digest their food. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions, as they are one of the rare scavengers that can survive in hot, arid, desert regions. They are able to survive in blistering hot temperatures because they shit on their legs, and the water evaporating from their shit cools their body down.

The decline in vultures has led to hygiene problems in India, as carcasses of dead animals now tend to rot, or be eaten by rats or wild dogs, rather than be tidied up by vultures. Rabies among these other scavengers is a major health threat. India has one of the world’s highest incidences of rabies.

As valuable as vultures are to mankind, they do not get the appreciation they deserve.

The human vultures of the world don’t get the appreciation they deserve either. Just like vultures eat dead animals so that they won’t spread disease, homeless people rifle through our trash to take our half eaten food, so it won’t turn rotten and spread disease. So, when you see a bum rummaging through your trash, keep in mind that, just like their airborne brethren the vulture, they are doing us a service.

Elf Wax zoologists have discovered that homeless people tend to smell so bad because they go to the bathroom on themselves. One theory is that, like the vulture, the homeless rely on water evaporating from the excrement and urine in their pants to keep themselves cool.

Just as vultures are able to live on only the carcasses of dead and diseased animals, the homeless are able to live on only the spare change and discarded food of the working.

The homeless, like the vulture, have evolved into a creature that can survive in almost any region, and sustain themselves on the waste of others. These misunderstood creatures are truly miracles of nature, and should be revered for their adaptability……..not scorned.

President Obama vows to regulate the breeding of ugly people

In a landmark decision, President Obama has proclaimed that there are too many ugly people getting married and breeding, and that it has already reached epidemic proportions.

“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.

If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.

The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).

Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.

In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.

Assholes……..

Everybody has one. Everybody knows one. Everybody eventually has to deal with one.

I can’t stand an asshole. I hate having to deal with one. And yet, I continuously find myself having to interact with these scorned creatures.

Now, I wonder if these creatures are born, or created? I mean, I’ve never seen a baby that wants to bully and hurt other people. Don’t get me wrong……..I don’t want to give any of you the impression that I’m pro baby, because I actually hate the things. I’m just saying that babies and small children don’t go out of their way to piss people off. President Bush was a baby once, and he wasn’t laying in the crib, drinking from his bottle, and dreaming of ways to fuck up our country. Well………maybe HE was, but most babies aren’t.

I definitely think that most assholes are created, and are merely products of their environment. Every asshole kid that I have encountered, has had assholes for parents. That’s who teaches them to be assholes……..or allows them to develop into assholes without putting a foot in their ass to prevent the transformation.

And I have known some assholes that tried to be nice, but just didn’t know how. They were assholes, and couldn’t help it. Try as they might, they just couldn’t help but act like assholes. These poor social rejects were obviously born assholes, and simply don’t have a choice in the matter. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) defines this particular brand of asshole as an individual with a Dissocial Personality Disorder.

It amazes me that psychiatrists can put a label on anybody. Assholes simply have Dissocial Personality Disorder, asshole kids have Hyperactive Attention Deficit Disorder, gays have Sexual Identity Disorder, and guys who can’t get laid have Sexual Aversion Disorder.

If any of us went to a psychiatrist, I have no doubt that we would leave with some sort of a diagnosis. You may be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or even Trichotillomania.

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I have a problem with people who have been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness, because I don’t. I myself have even suffered from DSM-IV diagnosis 291.0 (Alcohol Intoxication Delirium), and I’m currently looking for a woman who suffers from DSM-IV diagnosis 306.51 (Vaginismus).

If you find yourself with some free time on your hands, you should go to a support group meeting for people who suffer from a psychiatric disorder. You could learn a little bit about their particular condition. If anyone reading this decides to go to one of the support group meetings, I would recommend going to a meeting of people who suffer from the DSM-IV diagnosis 302.4 (Exhibitionism).

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.
Kirk Van Houten: It’s dignity, Luann.

Van Houten’s visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party’s attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. “This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats,” said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten’s piece after the Simpsons’ party, saying, “It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever,” as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, “The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever.” He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, “Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?”

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten’s shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20′s are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, “the 9/11 conspiracy, man.”

Judgmental Homosexual Hypocrites

Try saying that five times really fast. It’s a real tongue twister. It’s also a really annoying, and disgusting, combination of personality traits.

You would think that fags and dykes wouldn’t really be the judgmental types. When you consider the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves, you would think they should be more tolerant of other people. I mean, how can a guy say “I suck cock, and let other guys ram their cocks up my ass, but I don’t approve of what you do”? You would just expect a certain amount of tolerance from this particular group of people. But that’s not always the case.

Let me give you an example of a person with this particular combination of personality traits.

My son is in 8th grade, and had a “girlfriend” whom he really liked. Her mother is a big masculine bull dyke. She was, however, very nice to my son, and took him places with her daughter and herself. The first time we met her, I was briefed beforehand about how she is a dyke, and that I should watch what I say. No problem……..I swore I would be on my best behavior. When she came over to my house, she told us that she decides whether or not she likes someone the second she meets them, and doesn’t give them another chance.

Now, that struck me as odd. She is (openly) a lesbian, and does not want to be judged by others for her sexual preference, but she immediately makes permanent judgments of other people.

Okay……..nothing like a little hypocrisy.

I let that go, and didn’t think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, I was taking her daughter and my son somewhere in my truck, and was listening to a Guns n Roses cd. I didn’t think to skip the song “One In A Million”, and when Axl Rose said “immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me”, the poor daughter got a weird look on her face. I just pretended like I didn’t hear it.

From then on, the gay mother would not even look at us or speak to us when we seen her at sporting events, and we seen her frequently since my son is a basketball and football player and her daughter is a cheerleader. She would intentionally ignore us. No big deal though…….who wants to be seen hanging out with a big masculine bull dyke anyway?

The thing about that which I found annoying was the fact that she is an openly practicing homosexual……..and that is okay……..but is offended when a song came on my car stereo that said faggot. It’s okay to be a faggot, but it’s not okay for my stereo to say faggot?

This dyke believes that’s it’s okay for her to judge people, but that she herself should not be judged for her homosexuality. She believes that engaging in homosexuality is okay, but to speak of it is wrong. Talk about hypocrisy and double standards!

When a guy sucks another guys cock, or a woman munches another woman’s muff, and is open about doing it, they have to expect that everyone may just not embrace their decision to do that.

The state of North Carolina defines homosexuality as a crime against nature, and a means to satisfy depraved sexual cravings. I tend to agree with them.

And for the queers who say “God made me this way”, I just have this to say: God did not watch Brokeback Mountain and say “ oh yeah……..that’s the way I want things to be”.

If you have queer sex, you are not in a position to judge anybody else!

And if you are open about engaging in queer sex, then you should be prepared to hear someone say the word “faggot” without being indignant!

And for the record…….I LOVE the song “One In A Million”!

SHITHAIR

I recently read that giraffe smell terrible……almost unbearable. One person described the giraffe as an animal that always smells like it’s been dead for a week. Upon hearing this, I had to find out why they smell so bad. I couldn’t help myself. After doing a little research, I found out that giraffe hair contains two of the chemicals that give feces its smell. The smell is so bad, that it actually repels ticks and mosquitoes. Can you imagine having hair that reeked so strongly of shit, that ticks wouldn’t even crawl on you? Game wardens claim that they can smell giraffe from a mile away when they are downwind.

While doing research on the pungent aroma of the giraffe, I learned about the sloth, and how terribly they stink. The tree sloth spends most of its life hanging upside down. They move so slowly, that they could not possibly climb down on the ground to piss. So, naturally, they piss all over themselves every time they piss while hanging upside down. And having a lifetime of piss in their fur tends to create quite a stench. Adding to the stench is the mildew growing in the piss-soaked fur of the sloth. The mildew actually serves to provide camouflage for the sloth. That piss-soaked, mildew covered fur, creates a stench that must be experienced for one to fully comprehend it.

Now, this isn’t the national geographic stinking animal forum, so I will get to the real issue I wanted to discuss……..third world countries……..and their human-giraffe-sloth populous.

We’ve all heard of the swine flu pandemic coming out of Mexico. The common misconception is that this is a disease caused by the Suidae (aka pigs), which was passed on to the Mexicans. Now, I have been to Mexico many times, and I can tell you that you can smell the place about a mile from the border at Tijuana. It is a typical third world country, in which the collective masses ignore well known sanitary practices, and choose to live in their own squalor. There is raw sewage flowing through the streets of every large city I visited in Mexico. If the people there are content to live in their own squalor, one can only imagine the conditions in which Mexican pigs are forced to live…….eating, standing, and sleeping in their own filth. It’s a shame that any animal is forced to live in those conditions. It’s no wonder that swine flu is running rampant down there. The truth of the matter is that the Mexicans gave swine flu to the pigs, they didn’t catch it from the pigs. They gave swine flu to the pigs, then caught swine flu from the pigs, and were later generous enough to sneak into neighboring countries and share their swine flu with the world.

The official position of the Mexican government is that the blame for the swine flu pandemic lies squarely on the shoulders of the World Health Organization for not doing more to stop the swine flu pandemic after they caused it. Yep……..you read that correctly…….it’s not their fault that they caused this problem, but it’s everyone else’s fault for not fixing the problem after they caused it.

As you sit at your computer reading this, there are citizens of third world countries taking a dump in the garden where they grow their food, and pissing in their own water supply. Just like any five year old American child knows not to do that, they know not to do that, but they do it anyway. And when they get sick from doing what they know they shouldn’t, it will be your fault for not somehow doing more to clean up the pile of shit they left on top of the food growing in their garden. I mean, you could stop reading this right now, fly down there, and follow these human sloths around, and clean up their shit and piss for them. But you’re not going to…….your still sitting at your computer reading this.

So, everything is your fault, asshole!