In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.” Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1. Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”
Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.
American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals
“I was just staring out the window thinking, ‘Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.’ But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same,” said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.
Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. “Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein’, I just don’t know what I’ll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it’s all out there for me,” he said with a grin.
Jay Kenny said he’d already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. “Paper hits the door every mornin’. The songbird sings my favorite tunes,” he said. He went on to describe how he’d come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. “Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s insurance, water. With what’s left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I’ll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus,” he said, pointing to his dog. “I guess I might just write about that.”
Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. “I don’t like to ask no questions,” he said. “Something told me I’d be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I’ve got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that’s probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it’d all pay off eventually.” And it did.
Roanoke, Va.–A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was “still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked.” Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong.
Tina Shrubman, a 46 year old “homemaker” described the scene to police and reporters a “bloodbath, not in the sexual way, but almost,” as the man’s dismembered tool flopped around like a suffocating fish on the counter-top in her Martha Stewart-influenced kitchen. Lustily, Shrubman bit her lower lip.
Lieutenant Leroy Jackson, who is not supposed to disclose any details around an ongoing investigation, revealed to reporters, “Cletus Ragburn, waited for Ms. Shrubman’s return in her living room, naked, prepared to operate a table saw mounted on two sawhorses. Confused, she instinctively pepper-sprayed him, causing his thumb to react, triggering the power saw to spin out of control and fall to the floor, castrating him in the process.”
When asked where the pet would be sent for treatment, Jackson replied, “I am not at liberty to divulge that information.”
Joe Diamond, attorney for Ragburn’s johnson revealed that the member was seeking severance pay, a full health insurance package and a guaranteed nine-to-five stroke job.
Since the dawn of time, paranoid delusional people have been denied the opportunity to dodge reality and dive into the upward-spiraling colossus of a self-feeding reward system of worry. But now we can, with EvoCam.
Combining the award-winning prestige of the highly adaptive miniature video camera with the competence of your common desktop or laptop computer, EvoCam facilitates the most sophisticated and most customizable round-the-clock video surveillance lockdown mankind has seen since the inception of Wal-Mart.
Suspicious of your roommates sneaking in while you’re away? Just switch on the EvoCam as you’re heading out the door! Or better yet, leave it on all day!
Watch footage of yourself playing computer games, or watching a movie. Re-live past experiences!
Ladies, want to catch your man masturbating to porn on the internet when he could be fucking you instead?
Schizophrenics, do you want to prove that all those people talking to you are really there?
Get registered with EvoCam online and have your video footage sent first to an underground EvoCam headquarters where it is reviewed, filtered, condensed, archived, unarchived, and then rearchived again in a form of encryption so advanced that even EvoCam scientists can’t undo what’s been done! Then, it will be emailed to you in ten separate pieces, which you can then plug into a separate downloadable add-on program attachment to have them reunscrambled and mailed to you within 6-8 weeks. All the while you can stew and perculate, let the paranoia fester until it is sparking grease onto your inner chest cavity. This is how you know EvoCam is working.
Now, wait for it. Did you hear that pop? That’s EvoCam inside your head, recording itself through your eyes as it records you. It even knows you just read this sentence! This is so you can be absolutely sure, without one per cent of a doubt, that it is indeed YOUR EvoCam recording you, and not that of a strange elite hacker for delta Geplin 7 beaming images of you and your forbidden loved ones and your secrets back to his porndorm at your local engineering university.
Elf Wax Tech Watch is a new segment in which technological trends are examined in depth. Today’s article is how “virtual literacy” relates to the now dead newspaper industry.
Technological change has widely shut down newspapers for the past decade, and today the last paid reporter has punched his clock for the last time. Nobody has reported a word on the issue, but the blogosphere is rampant with rumors and speculation of what actually has just happened. Among most bloggers, the consensus is that youTube is far more effective at spreading news than text. Stupidly, this statement was made on textual blogs, which are next in line after newspapers for total extinction.
The pseudo-literacy of youTubers is obvious in a quick scan of any video’s comments. Has literacy, like the watch, been replaced by new devices? Sure, no one carries pointless watches, because cell phones keep the time and do other things too. They record what happens, transfer it around the place, and with a camera it takes the least of human effort. YouTube might be the newest kind of literacy, because who needs writing when there’s a video of what just happened? Skip the explanation, no time for that in the modern world. Let’s see the police brutality caught on tape.
At some point, the only vestiges of literacy will be txt spk, an abbreviated form of English almost without vowels. In future high schools, students will read Moby Dick on their cell phones in a summarized and abbreviated form. Rather than writing a book report, they will youTube their reflections and leave their classmates taunting and barely-intelligible cmnts.
Their will be one glorious moment in our future where humans no longer have to communicate for themselves and computers will automatically perform all necessary communications so as not to burden the puny human brain. Computers are already set to do all the heavy-lifting for society, soon they’ll do the communicating, so now it’s just time to teach them to flip burgers and cut hair.
Following a recent governmental lapse in Truth, a scrambled message has been intercepted and somewhat decoded. The communication details an alien overthrow of humanity. Elf Wax analysts were able to decipher certain parts of speech and published them. The translation, in its original form follows:
I am from Alpha Centauri, a star of dead rocks.
I am from another dimension. Another time.
You have lived too long. Your bad vibrations are polluting our air waves.
It’s time now. It’s time to burn. We’ll burn you and your sons’ sons. And then we’ll burn up the sun.
With hungry eyes, we’re looking at you lucky few.
YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.
For the past several months, Dan K.(whose last name is unknown but certainly begins with ‘K’) has been missing from the vicinity, leaving friends to consider social alternatives. Although no details are known of his mysterious departure, local residents are no doubt thrilled, and rightfully so, to learn of K.’s safe return.
Friend of the EW Times (and, of course, Dan. K), Travis Parcha, 23, had nothing but kind words to offer. ”It’s [nice to him see doing] pretty good stuff [with his life].” Parcha then commented on the character of Mr. K. “[He's] not seedy at all.”
Parcha, seen here, the last time he enjoyed quality time with Dan K.
Acquaintances agree that Dan should be around town for at least a few months, if not longer. In the event that he disappears again unexpectedly, Yourtown citizens can rest easy, knowing that they can always consort with Sherman Wag, a distant cousin of K. who’s really only fun to hang out with in large doses.
Gaia Online has suffered extreme hyperinflation in the past weeks, as the value of gold plummeted. The crux of Gaia’s economy is a steady flow of art-themed posting. Poetry, photography, and art of all kind and quality are equally rewarded. Through time, however, the quality of this art has completely degenerated beyond the point of recognition. For a minor amount of gold, a fraction of a fraction of what one needs to ‘buy’ accessories for their avatar, one user may copy-paste a Wikipedia article into the “non-fiction” category, or perhaps write a paragraph about their abusive families. Webcam photos of things in people’s computer rooms are also a major source of Gaia’s artwork.
Because the value of artwork has bottomed out, Gaia has begun coercing its users into posting even more worthless art to boost the economy. The fact is, that if a computer program were to continuously pick photos from google images, apply an Andy Warhol filter, and post it on Gaia, only to randomly give away all the gold it made, this whole system might be streamlined. Why should human beings post worthless art, when computers are so much more efficient at it?
People like speshelshell22 could continue to comment “i love pop art it looks good,” if they felt inclined, or this system could also be replaced by computer automation.
I will leave you with a poem from Gaia, written by xX_HyperSkittlez_Xx.
While it is not written directly about the state of art in Gaia, I think it’s apt.
youre walkin’ into town
then on your face there is a frown
its diarriayou try to poop it out
but you cant so you just pout
no one knows how to spell it
so everyone just guesses it
you are in walmart
when you try and fart
THERES A FREAKIN GLOB OF CRAP IN MY PANTS!!! WTF IS WRONG!!!!!! I FEEL ICKY
so you sweep it with a broom
when your in the bathroom
you enter into a stall
then you give it your all
then you try to flush it down
but all it does is go around
Children of all ages lined up in front of their schools today only to learn that classes were canceled indefinitely.
A victory every man can taste
Professors of social sciences, military advisers to the President of the United States of America, leading geneticists, politicians and local leaders from every recognized country, island, village outpost and tribe in the civilized world have declared that knowledge and education are useless as world peace has been achieved through peace talks, treaties, agreements, ceasefires, nuclear disarmament, and the cessation of arms manufacturers across the globe. They have concluded that mandatory education as it exists now serves only the military-industrial complex, a device known for generations as the primary source of conflict, strife and natural injustice among the traditionally benign and peace-loving human population of Earth.
In the wake of an agreement on worldwide peace, arms manufacturers such as Smith and Wesson, Colt, and Remington have all been paid historically immense dividends as both recognition of their lifetimes of labor and quality craftsmanship and as thanks for agreeing to shut down their plants or for channeling their industrial strength on peace-serving ends.
The collective thousands of billions of dollars once spent annually through the global industry of war has fed the world five-fold by present calculations and so have all been funneled into the scientific research and manufacture of the Small Nuclear Thermal Rocket Engine, safely deployed once in space after a regular SRB takeoff has breached the Earth’s mesosphere. The new nuclear thermal rockets will carry a manned spacecraft close enough to the speed of light through interstellar space that we will reach the neighboring star Proxima Centauri within the next four to five years. If given enough time to calculate a mission’s success rate and produce its means, Earthlings can expect receiving the first top-down images of the atmospheres of Centauri’s terrestrial planets (that’s extra-solar to those of us who don’t get to go just yet) by the year 2020.
In the meantime, every nation’s resources, acreage of land, national crop, GDP, and transportation capacities are being factored and calculated by the world’s leading independent scientists and mathematicians to ensure a fair global distribution of edible goods to and from all lands. This means bringing tastes and flavors unrecognizable to the Congolese people right into the center of their tribal feasting options. Unimaginable delicacies of East India meet Siberian hunters. Every last North Korean will be fed before December 31, 2009.
As if that weren’t enough, the now-defunct schools and colleges are being turned into social networking sites at which people of all ages still have the option of attending to discuss ideas, philosophy, God and the Universe, mathematics, science, art, literature and music, but a new law forbids the charging of admission as the buildings are paid for by no one and upheld by everyone thereby making a cover charge contradictory as it would create an artificial class system not unlike the one left behind in which the rich would be given a right to live disproportionate to that of the other ninety five per cent (statistics are care of Stockholm International Peace Research Institute) of a given population. Your money can and will still buy you nice TVs, an electric boat for retirement, pets and homes, but nobody will ever again have to pay for a fair and balanced perception of reality as we know it, as everyone plays an active role in its shaping up through socialization and direct democracy via up-and-coming internet voting software set up to register your direct, individual input on each and every issue set to pass across your congressman or senator’s desktop. Also, people are no longer limited to just two choices on any given issue. New answers are nominated automatically at the stroke of your very own keyboard and added to the list for others to second, third, and so on. Votes are tallied nightly, weekly, monthly and annually, a system akin to Nintendo Wii’s Everybody Votes channel.
People are expected now to go on into their new lives as easily as they have come into it; a safe, stable life in a utopia in which technology has brought every living man a say in government, locally, nationally, and internationally. Hunger is over, people love each other unconditionally and we can all explore space together, in peace, forever.
Iran and the United States have come together in a landmark baby step, citing their agreement. “Afghani drugs are no good,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. This is partly because the Taliban is forcing the peasants to grow opium, and partly because the United States would have a perfect shot at winning the War on Drugs if it weren’t for these meddlin’ A-rabs and their cockamamy dope schemes.
“Afghani Kush is just something college kids say in order to sell their weak, low-grade pot to each other,” Stanley Straightedge, director of the D.E.A. published in an official press statement released Monday. “We don’t want to effect that.” Straightedge indicated that the two countries are not so concerned with the marijuana leaving Afghanistan, but they want to stem the opium trade, which has been directly linked to terrorism, contrary to what post-9/11 commercials told pot-smoking soccer-moms: that all the money they spent on gas and weed were actually buying the videotaped beheadings of journalists.
He continued, “The kind of drugs coming from Afghanistan contain no more opiates than your grandmother’s ordinary pain medications.” Straightedge went on to say, “The really good stuff is coming out of Mexico, and we feel that the gang wars taking place in the dirt capital of the world are helping to improve the quality of our imports due to increased competition.” He indicated that he wants to keep those fears flowing as a last bastion for xenophobic politicians who sometimes tend to run out of creativity around voting season. “Plus, you’ve got to feed the monkey,” he added.
Now, Iran’s sudden anti-drug stance and a shared interest in being the largest buzz-kill in the Eastern Hemisphere has finally given the United States a reason to like them. In the past, heroin peddlers have used the technique of injecting their potential purchasers in order to get them hooked before they even know they want to buy the drug, leaving them with little choice thereafter but to feed their newfound dependence. Borrowing from this tactic, the U.S. is planning to Zerg-rush the third-world country’s primary source of income with narcotics agents, the antithesis to drug-runners, in an unprecedented move thought by E.W. Times analysts to be the one and only action left to take on the Taliban “that will surely lead to a new terrorist bombing in the future.”
“Basically,” Wayneskis said, “What you’ve got here is a bunch of assholes out in the desert with only one good thing going for ‘em: drugs. It’s fine and good for them, but how’s that helping you and me shop at Kroger?” Wayne continued, “This is a real problem for us and for them too because the only way they’re going to be able to plant some grass, open jobs at the Gap, build a good clean country [HEIL] and grow our corn is to get off that heroin and start injecting Uncle Sam.”
On an unrelated note, the War with Iran is expected to begin on its predetermined start date of July 4, 2010.