America Joins Al Qaeda

A transcendental John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”

JFK might have been a no-good Communist sympathizer, but by God, he was right about one thing: serving your country. Besides, why do you think we had him assassinated?

The new frontier is wrought with peril – freedom-threatening, America-hating, chemically weaponized peril. But we don’t have to stand for it!

Who would have thought a man named Barack Hussein Obama would someday turn out to serve Al-Qaeda?

NOT US! But things are different. By gum, times have changed. America’s taking on a new image. No, we still don’t negotiate with terrorists; we FINANCE them! Where are our tax dollars going? Follow the money! Sign up for Al-Qaeda now, and take part in some of the most freedom-enhancing, civilian-terrorizing fun you can have with your pants off – raping countless victims! Enlist within one hour of reading this to sign up for our Syrian Autumn event and receive premium access to maximum firepower with minimum consequences!

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Sign up Wednesday for OUR PATRIOT DAY SPECIAL. Can’t beat ‘em? Join ‘em! 12 years ago tomorrow, Al-Qaeda bombed the World Trade Center, effectively castrating the American spirit of self-determination. Now, we are more reliant on Al-Qaeda for survival than ever before.

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A stronger Al-Qaeda

For a stronger America

The US Supports Al Qaeda

The United States of America says you’ll be detained for showing support for Al Qaeda. Because they hate competition.

Semantic Blockage

The NDAA

You never transcended. You’re a semantic fucking blockage.

Syrian Liberation Looming, Commerce Dept.: Streaming Al Jazeera English a ‘Felony’

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America's Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

Domestic Extremists: Al Jazeera America’s Coverage is Covering up the Truth about Syria

WASHINGTON – As a full-scale NATO offensive against Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad looms, the Obama administration’s Commerce Department is ensuring that Americans have full access to accurate information about the upcoming struggle. Commerce Secretary Penny Pritzker said Tuesday that any Americans attempting to Web-stream Al Jazeera English, as opposed to Al Jazeera America, would face felony charges.

In an on-the-record teleconference Tuesday Sec. Penny Pritzker said, “Al Jazeera America is the go-to source for Americans interested in news about the conflict. In a time of war, it’s time for Americans to unify around one story and one nation.”

State Public Affairs Undersecretary Tara Sonenshine joined Sec. Pritzker on the call, and added what she described as “much-needed” context to State Secretary Hillary Clinton’s Spring 2011 advisement that Al Jazeera English had proven the “real news.”

It was then, in the midst of the Arab spring, that Sec. Clinton said, “Al Jazeera has been the leader in … literally changing people’s minds and attitudes” and that it had been “really effective.”

Ms. Sonenshine addressed complaints by disloyal Al Jazeera staff, published in Lebanon’s Al Akhbar, that Al Jazeera had become oblivious to suffering allegedly caused at the hands of the Free Syrian Army’s freedom fighters.

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Screenshot: Al Jazeera English, Inappropriate for Americans

Ms Sec. Sonenshine said, “Unfortunately, frivolous public statements by violators of NDAs [nondisclosure agreements] have compromised what remains an interest in global awareness and the free flow of information.”

The high-level officials’ comments echo a Commerce Department position articulated last month. A department Green Paper made clear the administration’s position that Congress should “enact legislation adopting the same range of penalties for criminal streaming of copyrighted works as now exists for criminal reproduction and distribution.” As the liberation of Syria has become more certain, Congress has acted to ensure that violators of intellectual property rights are delivered justice.

“Would-be offenders,” said Ms. Sonenshine, “should understand our commitment to protecting the innovation of all of our global partners, including Al Jazeera America. I want the international community to understand we take our IP [intellectual property] obligations as seriously as ever.”

Al Jazeera provided what the state secretary regarded as “cutting-edge” coverage of the Arab Spring. Since then, the Qatar-based news service has launched a new channel, Al Jazeera America, tailored especially to the interests and – said Undersecretary Sonenshine – self-interests of middle-class Americans.

Sec. Pritzer cited her concern that citizens might become “confused” about the United States’ and al-Qaeda’s new, mutual front against the barbarism of the Assad regime. Al-Qaeda, a Salafist and Wahhabist group slandered throughout the Gulf, is now on the front lines against the Syrian evildoers.

“While Americans have every right to feel misgivings over al-Qaeda’s role in perpetrating the 9/11 attacks,” said Sec. Pritzker, “it is far more important, for national security, for them to now remember the plight of Syrians suffering from the Assad regime’s morally obscene deployment of weapons of mass destruction.” Added Pritzer, “The agenda of freedom in the Middle East is larger than any given sect or clique. We can’t kowtow to domestic extremists bent on enforcing their grudges on the rest of civil society.”

Al-Assad ‘Not So Stupid’ As To Use Chemical Weapons: Kurdish Leader

Obama Commands Missile Strike Anyway

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

DAMASCUS, Syria – Syrian President Bashar al-Assad – in Iran right now, presumably waiting for his country to collapse – would not have been “so stupid” as to deploy chemical weapons near Damascus, said Saleh Muslim, head of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD).

Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday, “Anyone who can claim that an attack of this staggering scale could be contrived or fabricated needs to check their conscience and their own moral compass.”

The facts are that the United States has no proof, no need to attack, and certainly no need for advice on the direction of our moral compass from a career politician.

It has grown increasingly clear the chemical attack on rebels was a false-flag meant to trigger international outrage. Al Assad studied medicine in the West, surfs the Internet and knows a chemical weapons attack is the golden ticket to losing his seat in power. So why would he do it?

Chances are, Assad didn’t suddenly come to the realization that having all this power, wealth and fame totally sucks ass and decide to commit suicide. He’s already been briefed on hegemonic stability theory and patterns of conflict. So instead of using chemical weapons before now, he ordered regime forces to encircle the rebels before attacking so that none could retreat. This has caused rebel leaders to scurry like rats for the highest ground, beheading each other for control over shrinking turf.

So does Assad need gas attacks? Does he want them? All evidence suggests he’s been doing just fine up until now. Even the Taliban actively discourages its members from joining this Jihad, with recent historical knowledge to predict how U.S.-trained forces later serve U.S. hegemony and ultimate destruction. Eventually, some forces may, in the name of justice for humanitarian abuses, cultural decimation, or whatever, eventually attack the United States in a terrorist bombing, but that only serves to justify our continued actions.

Americans hold onto their butts in anticipation of Barack Hussein Obama’s husk of hope and change ordering military strikes on Syria, and Assad’s days are numbered as the world looks to Turkey and the confrontation makes its way, once again, to Putin’s doorstep.

President Obama Pardons Chelsea Manning

WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.

As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”

Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.

Mitt Romney says Bradley Manning got what he deserved

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney.

Chances are, you voted for me in the 2012 elections and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my cold black heart. Really, I mean it. We didn’t lose that election, by the way. It was stolen. But that’s not what I want to talk to you about today.

This is a message to all American citizens

even the gay ones, because you’re people too

Our government is hunting its political opponents and using the NSA to Hoover stuff up about us and publish it online.

Wow

Wow, Mitt Romney.

During the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, the FBI and NSA teamed up with Qwest Communications International, Inc. – a Lebal Drocer subsidiary – to intercept my emails for about six months during the event. They monitored the content of all email and text messages in the Salt Lake City area.

That includes me.

I’m Mitt Romney, I should have won the election, and that faggot Bradley Manning got what he deserved. It’s because of people like him that we can’t have freedom.

It’s because of Fagley Manning that I lose the election. Now they’re gonna spy superhard on all the rest of you.

And you know what? I’m glad.

I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message.

Mitt Romney is owned and operated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Texan newborn charged with murder after absorption of twin

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin brother in his mother's womb.

Alfredo Gonzalez was arrested at birth for murdering and absorbing his twin sister while still in his mother’s womb.

HOUSTON — After ultrasound scans showed Alfredo Gonzalez of Houston Texas aggressively absorbed his twin sister while still inside his mother’s womb, a group of armed Texas Rangers took Gonzalez into custody. Sheriff Jane Arapaima told reporters, “A human life begins in the second trimester, and so does the law.”

Gonzalez was restrained in a specially designed mold and escorted to the Arlen County juvenile detention center. “It’s a shame that the criminals are getting younger and younger,” remarked detention center warden Jeff Richards, “Frankly I think it’s because of all of the Mexicans.”

The devoured twin did not receive a name, as the state of Texas only confers a legal name after birth, but the parents planned to name the absorbed victim Eliza. Enraged, Eliza’s mother Mrs. Angela Gonzalez promised, “I will prosecute Alfredo to the fullest extent of the law. There will be justice for Eliza!”

100 Molested Children Bring Class Action Lawsuit Against Hatesec Enterprises

Supple milky skin ‘No Excuse,’ say parents

At least 100 children were allegedly harmed at an event outsourced to employees of Hatesec Enterprise. Hatesec Enterprise is an Internet startup company sponsored by celebrity entrepreneur Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer and Lebal Drocer, Inc. The company’s mission statement states its primary goal is to bring jobs to marginalized white American citizens amid a nationwide influx of Hispanic, Latino and Middle Eastern wage earners.

Lebal Drocer Inc Touched All Dem Children

Documents suggest a controversial Lebal Drocer subsidiary designed to fuck kids may be responsible for at least 100 fucked kids.

The children harmed by Hatesec Enterprise are shielded by various child protection laws from revealing their identities, however they may soon reach an agreement preventing them from discussing the matter any further with anyone except for their team of pro-Bono attorneys donated by the kind hearted Lebal Drocer Association For The Advancement Of Fucked Kids.

Anonymous sources inside the company have revealed the scandal might have erupted from the so-called Sex Abuse “Hot”Line, a controversial wing of the startup company designed to put America’s worst sex offenders to work – a feat key social rehabilitation specialists said was impossible before now.

“We really should have seen this coming,” said Internet Chronicle Special Victims and National Security Staff Reporter Dan K. Story. “Their mission statement was to rape people professionally, and people are mad about this? I say everybody needs to calm down and let the free market work out a real solution.”

Story went on to explain the complex relationship between the Federal Government and free market economics: “If the government cracks down on this now, then we’re all going to be headed down a slippery slope of Big Government ruling every facet of our lives. See? This is why we need a domestic drone program.”

Past settlements have stated no children can speak publicly about Lebal Drocer, Inc. or its subsidiaries without express, written permission signed by company President and CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Such is sexpected to be the case as their hearing goes before the courts Monday.

This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

No children were directly harmed during the production of this news story.

Edward Snowden: Solar-Flare ‘Killshot’ Cataclysm Imminent

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA's Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

Edward Snowden, NSA Whistleblower, speaking from Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, revealed the CIA’s Project Stargate was a complete success. (Photo: The Internet Chronicle)

MOSCOW, Russia – Edward Snowden, hacker-fugitive and former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor, revealed Tuesday that a series of solar flares is set to occur in October, killing hundreds of millions of people. Documents provided by Snowden prove that, as of 14 years ago, Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) remote viewers knew that the event was inevitable. Ever since, the world’s governments have quietly been trying to prepare for the sweeping global famine to result.

Speaking from his room at Sheremetyevo Airport’s Hotel Novotel, Snowden revealed that government preparations for October’s catastrophic solar flares have been “to only limited avail.” The flares’ results, he said, are known casually throughout the global intelligence community as “the killshot.”

Remote viewers employed by the CIA’s Project Stargate use their ability to perceive geographically and chronologically distant events to protect America. Since 1999 they have known about the solar-flare event but have been threatened into silence by enforcers on the secret government’s payroll.

As a part of hiring Snowden as a contractor, the NSA granted the 30-year-old access to all communications on earth. Now he has provided The Internet Chronicle with top-secret Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) documents outlining just how terrible the solar flares’ results will be. In just three months, “the killshot” is set to disable all electronic food and water delivery systems.

Ever since the late 20th century, hundreds of millions of people have begun to rely on technological automation to enable their very lives. Solar flares release electromagnetic pulses, hazardous to electronic circuits. The smallest electronic circuits, such as those in computers’ central processing units, will be the most vulnerable.

Snowden said FEMA and the National Disaster Reduction Center of China have been taking steps for 14 years in light of the findings of Project Stargate. FEMA’s own documents, provided by Snowden, lay out how the organization plans to round up tens of millions of the poorest Americans for housing at secure locations “to better facilitate feeding and provision of consumer goods.”

Snowden, for years a CIA contractor, released testimonials from hundreds of remote viewers. Many of those remote viewers are still on the payroll of the governments of the United States and the Russian Federation. Those testimonials, though written independently by the analysts, are comprised of 4,472 pages, every single one of which, alarmingly, evince Snowden’s account.

“The massive electromagnetic pulse from the solar flares, or ‘the killshot,’ will shutter most of the world’s electrical systems,” said Snowden. “The Americans whose lives are most at risk are the elderly and the infirmed, those who depend on technology to enable their receiving home care or life-sustaining medical treatment.”

Throughout the 1970s and the 1990s, Russia and the United States were desperate to track and monitor the construction and maintenance of each other’s nuclear silos. The nations’ governments openly admitted having poured billions of dollars into the training of elite teams of remote viewers. With their powers, the remote viewers were able to deter nuclear launches and, ultimately, bring an end to the Cold War.  In the mid-’90s, the CIA simply pretended to close its remote-viewing program, so that it could operate more effectively.

Snowden said he hopes that his coming forward will allow Project Stargate’s participants to be able to live normal, open lives again, “instead of as circus animals, instead of as freaks.” He added, “[Significant others of Project Stargate employees] have to get Q clearances just to cohabitate with, without even marrying, their loved ones. That’s tantamount to slavery.”

Humanity is about to pay a most dire price for its technological dependence. That price, said Snowden, proved a leading factor in his decision to come forward to the press – about both the global Holocaust to ensue, as well as NSA analysts’ power, on the slightest whim, to listen to the phone calls of any person on earth.

Snowden said, with regard to CIA remote viewers, “I have seen too many brave whistleblowers become subjects of smear and ridicule for using their talents to expose the truth.” Added Snowden, bitterly, “Well, we’ll see who’s Mr. Chuckles when ‘the killshot’ goes down.”

WikiLeaks attorneys; and Anatoly Kucherena, Snowden’s own counsel, together produced a video calling for calm and global preparedness. Monday, Snowden sent the video, below, to the Russian Federal Migration Service as part of his call for asylum.

Confederate Memorial

Peaked headstones that mark the graves of Confederate soldiers surround the Confederate Monument in Jackson Circle. At the top of the monument is the solemn figure of a woman representing the South extends a laurel wreath toward her fallen sons.

Peaked headstones that mark the graves of Confederate soldiers surround the Confederate Monument in Jackson Circle. At the top of the monument is the solemn figure of a white woman representing as well the nonwhite South extends [sic/ aw, fuck it, y'all. Who needs to know how to string a sentence together? Military pay better than high school. Derrrr] a laurel wreath toward her fallen sons. [Photo and caption: U.S. military]

The history of Arlington National Cemetery is steeped in the Civil War, for it was this great national struggle against racist traitors that necessitated the establishment of this cemetery to bury its many dead – even though many of the dead had zero  inclination to consider themselves a part of this nation. We just decided to call them a part of this nation.

For many years following the war, the bitter feelings between North and South remained, which continues to this day in the forms of the Democratic and Republican Parties, now flipped; and although hundreds of Confederate soldiers were buried at Arlington, it was considered a Union cemetery. Family members of Confederate soldiers were denied permission to decorate their loved ones’ graves and in extreme cases were even denied entrance to the cemetery, due to justified fear the mourners would rally for insurrection, or worse, retributive genocide of all black people.

These ill feelings were slow to die but over time they did begin to fade. Many historians believe it was the national call to arms against Mexicans during the Spanish-American War that brought white northerners and southerners together at last. In that war numerous Confederate veterans volunteered their services and joined their Northern brothers on the battlefield in the common defense of a buffer zone for a white-ruled nation. In June 1900, going through the motions of national reconciliation, the U.S. Congress authorized that a section of Arlington National Cemetery be set aside for the burial of treasonous Confederate dead.

By the end of 1901 all the Confederate soldiers buried in the national cemeteries at Alexandria, Virginia, and at the Soldiers’ Home in Washington were brought together with the soldiers buried at Arlington and reinterred in the Confederate section. Among the 482 persons buried there are 46 officers, 351 enlisted men, 58 wives, 15 southern civilians, and 12 unknowns. They are buried in concentric circles around the Confederate Monument, and their graves are marked with headstones that are distinct for their pointed tops – so designed for their resemblance to the cowardly headgear of the postbellum Ku Klux Klan terrorist organization.

However, disinformation, peddled as “legend,” attributes these pointed-top tombstones to a Confederate belief that the points would “keep Yankees from sitting on them.” Attributing that line to Confederates would appear inaccurate, given that the Confederacy was dissolved of course by the time the tombstones were laid.

To further honor these the South’s caste-system devotees and traitors, the United Daughters of the Confederacy petitioned to erect a major monument to the Confederate dead. On March 4, 1906 Secretary of War William Howard Taft, in a hypoglycemic stupor, granted their request. The cornerstone was laid on Nov. 12, 1912 at a ceremony featuring speakers William Jennings Bryan and James A. Tanner, a former Union corporal and Stockholm syndrome sufferer who lost both legs at the second Battle of Bull Run. He was commander in chief of the Union veterans group, The Grand Army of the Republic. That same evening, President William Howard Taft addressed the United Daughters of the Confederacy at a reception in the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Centennial Hall, enshrining a noble legacy for perpetrators of human trafficking and genocide.

Chosen to design the memorial was the world-renowned sculptor, Moses Ezekiel. Ezekiel brought more than just his artistic talents to this project for he was also a Confederate traitor who voluntarily participated firsthand in the horrors of the Civil War. He is now buried at the base of the famous, patently offensive monument which he created.

The Confederate Monument was unveiled before a large crowd of northerners and southerners on June 4, 1914, the 106th anniversary of the birthday of the president of the Confederacy, abolitionist murderer and slavery racketer, Jefferson Davis. President Woodrow Wilson, star of white nationalist propaganda film “Birth of a Nation,” delivered an address and veterans of both the Union and Confederacy placed wreaths on the graves of their former foes, symbolizing the pretense of reconciliation between the white North and the white South, the memorial’s central theme.

Ezekiel created a monument rich in amoral, Eurocentric symbols. Standing atop the 32-foot monument is a larger-than-life figure of a white woman representing the South. Her head is crowned with olive leaves – the false flag of peace – her left hand extends a laurel wreath toward the South, acknowledging the sacrifice, for slavery, of her fallen sons due to “the increasing hostility on the part of the non-slaveholding States to the institution of slavery.” Her right hand holds a pruning hook resting on a plow stock, which she insisted black slave job creators alone actually use. These symbols bring to life the biblical passage inscribed at her feet – ”And they shall beat their swords into plow shares and their spears into pruning hooks” – and Jefferson Davis’ foolish biblical espousal that kidnapping black Africans amounted to “the importation of the race of Ham.”

The plinth on which she stands is embossed with four cinerary urns symbolizing the four years of the South-initiated Civil War. Supporting the plinth is a frieze of 14 inclined shields, each depicts the coat of arms of one of the 13 Confederate states and Maryland, which did not join the Confederacy but supported the South, as well as slavery, in the war.

Below the plinth is another frieze of life-sized figures depicting mythical white gods and white Southern soldiers. At the front of the monument, the panoplied figure of Minerva, Goddess of War and Wisdom, attempts to hold up the figure of a fallen white woman (“The South”) who is resting upon her shield, “The Constitution,” which dictated, in an affront to democracy itself, that slaves constituted three-fifths of a person. Behind “The South,” the Spirits of War are trumpeting in every direction calling the white sons and white daughters of the South to aid their falling white mother. On either side of the fallen woman are figures depicting those sons and daughters who came to her aid and who represent each branch of the Confederate service: Soldiers, Sailor, Sapper and Miner.

One of six vignettes on the Confederate Memorial.

One of six vignettes on the Confederate Memorial.

Completing the frieze are six vignettes illustrating the effect of the war on Southerners of all races. The vignettes include a black slave following his young master, against his every better interest; an officer kissing his infant child in the arms of her “mammy,” a title to which she is seriously referred by contemporary U.S. webmasters; a blacksmith leaving his bellows and workshop to construct instruments of death, as his sorrowful wife looks on; a young lady binding the sword and sash on her beau; and a young officer standing alone.

The base of the memorial features several inscriptions. On its front face are the seal of the Confederacy, which features a do-nothing white gentleman expecting others to work mindlessly for him, and a tribute by the United Daughters of the Confederacy, followed by the Latin phrase: “Victrix Causa Diis Placuit Sed Victa Caton.” This phrase means: “The Victorious Cause was Pleasing to the Gods, But the Lost Cause to Cato.” The inscription also means that today’s black taxpayer must pay to maintain the government’s claim that deities actually approved of slavery. On the rear of the monument is an inscription attributed to the Reverend Randolph Harrison McKim, who was a Confederate chaplain and who served as pastor of the Epiphany Church in Washington for 32 years. It reads:

Not for fame or reward [which is total nonsense, considering that Confederate traitors were fighting to uphold a caste system that they thought would prevent them from having to work as hard]

Not for place or for rank [other than, again, a desire to not be seen in a place as lowly as nonwhites]

Not lured by ambition

Or goaded by necessity [other than a fear of hard work]

But in simple

Obedience to duty

As they understood it [or claimed to, opportunistically]

These men suffered all [but not as dearly or as honorably as the abolitionists and former slaves whose lives they rendered into nothingness]

Sacrificed all

Dared all-and died