Casio Watch Recall – All Owners Report DIRECTLY To Guantanamo Bay for Re-/Un-Americanization

GUANTANAMO CASIO CONNECTIONAll Casio watch-owners have been ordered by the United States Department of Defense to report directly to the Florida coast where boats are waiting to take them to the infamous Guantanamo Bay holding facility in Cuba.

There are two types of watch brands available to most Middle Easterners: Casio and Fossil. Terrorists use Casio watches in the arming of IEDs. Many of us had these throughout our childhoods and didn’t realize it. They’re small, cheap, tell the day of the week and the time just fine, and cost probably $5 or 10 at the market.

When asked what effect this would have, if any, on President Obama’s controversial promise to close the military holding facility, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told Americans to “Never give up hope.”

The Casio watch with a compass pointing to Mecca – the one used by the Guantanamo Bay guards as an excuse to detain an innocent Muslim man indefinitely – actually costs between $80 and 200.

He was arrested and interrogated for simply wearing this Casio watch. Their mistake, right?

“Well, we saw that it was a Casio but didn’t realize at the time how nice it was.”

But he was detained for less, using their mistake as the impetus for his continued detention; based only on the invalid assumption that being a Muslim made him a terrorist, since his watch, regardless of the model, contained a compass pointing straight at Mecca.

But even if he was interested in making a bomb, there is no reason to use a watch that nice. Bomb watches are stuck into an IED. Anyway, wouldn’t it be counter-intuitive that a Muslim should blow up a watch with the unique capability of pointing to Mecca?

The specific model used by terrorists is the Casio F-91W model or its silver variant, the A-159W, costing around $8.

The only reason for his continued captivity seems to be contempt for him either as a person, a Muslim or a non-American – all of which are threats to national security.

Keep up the good work, storm-troopers.

Americans, get back in your cages. Shock treatment is to begin promptly at 4 a.m. and must be administered on an empty stomach [or you will be forcefully purged].

Grady Warren in 2012

Grady Warren

Grady Warren

It is our great pleasure to introduce to you the official Chronicle.SU endorsement of Grady Warren for President of the United States of America in 2012!

Grady Warren, Florida Community College alumnus, is a Sporting Goods Professional living in Jacksonville, Fla. and is a member of the American Tea Party.

 

 
Why Grady Warren?

  • He wants to deny all minorities the right to vote. Everybody knows that it takes a majority vote to win, so why should minorities vote?
  • He wants to send blacks to re-education camps to learn how to become Americans. This is an important step in national politics because it is no secret that nearly every American inner-city is jam-packed full of black people. Most of them have probably never even been camping!
  • We agree with Warren that blacks are an issue, even here at the Chronicle. For example, you have probably noticed that our site is overrun by multiple shades of black. Thankfully, the reason we type so much is to get all the white onscreen as we possibly can.
  • Warren seeks deportation based on religion, specifically of Muslims. Groundbreaking! We really wish he wanted to deport all religions, but we consider this a valid compromise; because, if we can at least open up discussion on the deportation of one religion, Islam, maybe down the road Americans will be more open to deporting other religions like Christianity and Buddhism.
  • He believes it’s not racist to love Christmas. With this statement, we agree on every level because Jesus was black.

Finally, Warren dares to ask the question, “Is it racist to love Sarah Palin, because she’s the female version of Ronald Reagan and to millions of men, she is their fantasy wife?”

The female version of Ronald Reagan

Fantasy wife of millions of men, including the honorable and infallible Grady Warren.

“Sarah is all about what’s great in America.”

“This guy is an important ideological leader.”
-Tyler Bass
Washington insider, Chronicle.SU correspondent

Support Grady Warren

Old Brutus does Grady Warren

U.S. SPECIAL FORCES ON LIBYA: “WE’RE GOING IN.”

Washington, D.C.–To the relief of all opposed to America’s involvement in yet another overseas conflict, President Barack Obama made a statement during air strikes on Libya that there will be “no boots on the ground.”

But more than a handful of sources say otherwise, and one of those sources is a Marine Special Operations Regiment soldier who is being sent to fight in the nation of Libya, where an unprecedented revolution is underway.

President Barack Obama and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates lied to you about not putting combat troops into Libya

Just kidding. They're already there.

I spoke to a Marines Special Forces Lieutenant Friday who asked not to be named. He told me that in August, he will be sent to Libya.

“We’re going in, to . . . find something,” he said, shaking his head.

His eyes fell to the floor and bounced up and over my shoulder, and then into his clasped, wringing hands.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

He stroked his stubble with one hand and with the other reached for a pitcher of beer.

“Yes,” he replied. “Very.”

He said he would soon be commanding troops throughout covert skirmishes and desert-crawling that no one will ever know took place.

The United States has returned Armed Drones to battle following NATO’s inability to stay on certain targets in Libyan air space.

Defense Sec. Robert Gates was asked during a Pentagon briefing, “Are we witnessing mission creep here? Are we going to just keep doing one slice of salami at a time as the U.S. gets further and further reinvolved in this operation?”

Gates replied:

“No, I don’t think so. I think that the president has been firm, for example, on boots on the ground. And there is no wiggle room in that that certainly I’ve been able to detect in his views. This is a very limited capability. He said from the outset that where we had unique assets that could contribute, we would do that. I think this is a very limited additional role on our part, but it does provide some additional capabilities to NATO. So no, I don’t think there’s mission creep at all.”

The young soldier went on: “Now, I told you this only because you said you wouldn’t tell anybody,” he said.

“You won’t say anything, right?” The Lieutenant looked regretful, because he knew I was a reporter. Yet somehow, his eyes told me he wanted the world to know, but for no one to know it was him who leaked the details. He seemed to want justice; justice which might prevent more of his buddies going needlessly into war. He spoke to me, like many others before him, on the condition of anonymity.

“People don’t realize what’s going on,” he explained. “We’re already in there, we’ve been there, we’re going there and we’re probably going to stay there. We rotate out, and right back in, just like anywhere else. But I don’t know what my orders are. They say we’re just going to find out what’s going on, so we know what to do next.”

Chronicle.SU correspondent and Washington Insider, Tyler Bass, had the chance to ask Colin Powell why President Obama said we don’t have boots on the ground, when we already have special forces and CIA in Libya.

Bass reported:

Tyler Bass: “How are you, General? So recently White House Spokesman Jay Carney has repeatedly said there are no boots on the ground in Libya. So has Barack Obama, but we have reports from the New York Times and other outlets saying in fact that there are, as well as CIA, which I guess is ‘shoes on the ground,’ right?

So why is – why is Barack Obama saying this? Why is Carney saying it? Or are they not aware, which I think is really unlikely? Or why are they saying it?”

Colin Powell: ”They’re obviously aware of what’s going on, but what they meant by ‘no boots on the ground’ is that we were not – (off mic) –ground war – (off mic) – sending in our combat units – (off mic) – infantry or armor to fight these units on the ground, but to send in intelligence agents and –”

TB: ”Or Special Forces.”

CP: “—or Special Forces –”

TB: “OK.”

CP: “—they are not going to be actively involved in fighting either the government or the rebels, but obviously it’s a way of gathering intelligence and helping the rebels fight more effectively. So there may not be boots on the ground – (off mic) – shoes on the ground – (off mic) –

The 24-year-old said he has already fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, but this is the most anxious he has ever been leading up to military action.

Upon return home, he will make many tens of thousands of dollars for about three months of action, half of which will be spent training.

“We’ll train for six weeks,” he said, “Then we go in for six.”

John McCain is currently out on a high-profile rampage through revolting Arab nations, where he has stated the United States should give firepower, weapons training and air strikes to Libyan rebel fighters, calling them patriots who are certainly not connected to Islamic extremism or Al Qaeda.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the administration disagrees.

Carney said, “We think it’s for the people of Libya to decide who the head of their country is, not for the United States to do that.”

Philip Gordon, an American diplomat and high-ranking official in the State Department, said during a Pentagon briefing:

“I think it is important that we all support Mr. Khatib in his efforts, but also that we continue to talk among ourselves — that is to say, members of the broad international coalition that is working on the Libya issue — about what Libya’s political future might be, which, I want to underscore again, is really up to the people of Libya.”

“Oh. And whoever we send there and don’t tell you about,” said Tyler Bass. ”I don’t want to sound alarmist or anything here, but they’re conditioning everyone for the ground invasion they say isn’t coming but eventually will.”

In other news, Obama has declared Pvt. Bradley Manning guilty before trial.


THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU GRACIOUSLY BY
THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
A PROUD SPONSOR OF NEVER-ENDING WAR

NEED TO KNOW: The Modern Survival-list

Cuthbert, Ga.–All hell’s broke loose on the political front, the power lines are down, and the water’s shut off, forcing you to drink your own dank-smelling piss. The sound of Russki bombers dribblin on the horizon ignites terror in the eyes of your pitiful-ass family members, who cower unarmed beneath the dining room table. What do you do?

Cecil defends freedom

Freedom enthusiast Larry Cecil has the answer.

:http://www.chronicle.su/calls/apocalypse-preparedness.mp3|titles=Apocalypse

“Don’t just sit around waiting for mercy,” Cecil told the Chronicle. “Rollback the cost of freedom – and the Russians – at a Wal-Mart near you!”

Larry Cecil, who once blindly accepted whatever conditions life handed him, now takes matters into his own hands. “I used to pray to Jesus. But now I prey on the wicked,” he said, examining the horizon through a scoped rifle.

Cecil encourages concerned patriots who fear the oncoming breach of freedoms by leaked cables and Julian ASSange to “have faith” in a weapons cache and homemade napalm. Lastly, he recommends Chinese-made ammunition for its unusually high lead content.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Chronicle.SU a Tremendous Success

Just in case you forgot about tubgirl.WASHINGTON — Thank you for making the Soviet Union’s new state-controlled media outlet the only thing you’re legally allowed to read. Our crack team of torture artists tortured our graphic artists until they were near death to achieve this state of true perfection. Our writers were treated in ways much worse, forced to watch Sarah Palin‘s “Alaska” 10 hours a day and eat nothing but cold McDonald’s from the value menu. They were rewarded for good writing with a bath in diarrhea and more friendly canings. Now with increased ad revenue and public support The Internet Chronicle is finally able to fully fund its original mission: terrorism.

Unlike Islamic terrorists, we don’t let Allah sort out the innocent. We promise to assassinate every single politician in Washington, D.C. and raze every capitalist institution from the smallest bank to the largest stock exchange. More bloodthirsty and reckless than Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and the poor so we can commit acts of terror to support the common worker.

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we, too are terrorists. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

julian assange

Julian Assange has found a way to threaten the transparency of government by publishing secret documents. Now he’s a terrorist, just like us.

Julian Assange described himself as “combative,” telling reporters he likes to “crush bastards.” As it turns out, so do we. If it’s too big to fail, it’s too big to exist, and that’s the truth that will carry you and the People’s Report forward into this New Century: Crush the bastards who enforce the status quo, wage slavery and perpetual warfare on humanity. To remove the increasingly oppressive politboro, replacing it with the glorious and oppressive fist of Chronicle.SU!

It has been noted by SOVCHRON officials that once in power, they will continue to insist on terrorism as their primary means of governance, and do not take offense to the term.

Cut off the head and the body will die.”

-Hunter S. Thompson

While Julian Assange waits in hiding to be poisoned with polonium 210, the Chronicle orchestrates distributed denial of service attacks on whitehouse.gov, punctuated by covert, sporadic genocide. By conveniently cherry-picking philosophies from Glenn Beck books, we are able to better misrepresent and pursue the common goals of all good people, cleansing this great nation, weeding out thieves, potheads and rapists.

We will execute every potential threat to America until the only people left are good, law-abiding citizens who will be left with no choice to but mate with each other, breeding patriotism back into our great nation.

Our writers ingeniously coined this Red, White & Bluegenics.

Keep your eyes to the skies and be on the lookout for Lebal Drocer warplanes of the highest technology to drop bombs and aide relief, one after the other, on your county today! That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise!

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we are terrorists, too. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

Tonight, Julian Assange described himself as “combative”

PROTEST IN D.C.

HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

TYLER BASS of The Elf Wax Times Live Reporting Team is at the anti-war protest rally in Washington, D.C. Here we are in front of the White House, where the march began. The protesters are currently marching from LaFayette to 16th. These pictures are extremely high-resolution. They are in descending order starting at the top and going down (sorry we were in a hurry).an absurd caricature of a hippie

An absurd caricature of a hippie.

tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010

tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010

Imperial March music plays in the background. It is rumored that Hamas has infiltrated the protest group and plans to bring down Democracy from the inside out. This is why the Public Works Department is fining the ANSWER Coalition into the ground.

tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton

tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton

thousands of people march down the street

thousands of people march down the street

at the park?

A drum circle settles the angry crowds.

big sign bigger buildings

this guy with the "kill the bill" sign was a Ron Paul supporter, and a 9/11 Truther who believes the World Trade Center was rigged with explosives and fell due to a controlled explosion and not the airplanes crashing into buildings

On the WTC, our reporter asked this man, who is a Ron Paul supporter and a 9/11 Truth Movement…advocate-guy, “Ron Paul said he doesn’t believe there were bombs in the World Trade Center.”

He responded, “[He has] to say that because he’s a politician.”

To which we asked, “Why are you going to vote for someone who’s just gonna lie to get elected?”

protest march

indict bush now

2

The Islamic holocaust.

134

11

Indict the previous president for what's happening now. It's all his fault.

10

if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda

if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda

Roughly five or six thousand people attended the protest rally to march.

A few people were arrested or detained. Earlier in the day, a group of people belonging to Iraq Veterans Against War (IVAW) tried to put down a mud stencil on the sidewalk. The police got mad about it and cited a statute under D.C. law that you can’t put out a mud stencil. Protesters were no longer allowed near that area.

Wayne Brauer and Matthieux Chiraux were detained. Cindy Sheehan was arrested for who knows how many times in a row. She’s planning to camp somewhere, too.

Nader showed up but would not speak to reporters. At least not Elf Wax reporters.

Ramsey Clark, Saddam Hussein’s attorney was present but also would not speak to us.

ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

ANSWER Coalition

ANSWER Coalition

Washington, D.C.–Tomorrow, Americans will march on the White House in protest of the ongoing war occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. Demonstrators Thursday called Bush and Obama’s wars an “illegal war for empire.”

The ANSWER coalition (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) has been fined $7,500 for putting up signs in a move by the government that Brian Becker of the ANSWER Coalition said is “trying to limit or eviscerate or criminalize grassroots organizing itself.”

They were fined for handing out leaflets and putting up posters and signs, which the Department of Public Works has demanded the organization’s members remove.

Becker said that for eighteen months they have been targeted, accumulating between seventy and eighty thousand dollars in fines.

President of Veterans for Peace Mike Ferner said, “We will not be leaving Iraq and Afghanistan unless enough people in this country stand up.”

Organizers say the Afghanistan conflict is “Obama’s War,” just as Iraq was Bush’s war, and there is no difference between the two Presidents’ war policies.

Becker said a growing number of people oppose “the expanding war in Afghanistan, the continued occupation Afghanistan, [and] the continued occupation of Iraq.”

Cindy Sheehan, who garnered public attention in 2005 for camping outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Tex. said, “Some people have abandoned the antiwar movement, have abandoned peace, since Obama’s been president. But we need to re-create a movement.”

Pondolfino of Military Families Speak Out said Thursday, “I’m the proud mother of an active-duty infantry soldier…We love and support our troops. And it is because we do that we will vocally show our opposition whenever our government sends them to ill-advised, immoral, unwinnable wars.”

Tyler Bass will report in to The Elf Wax Times via cell-phone, sending large photographs of the demonstration as it unfolds throughout the day, starting in LaFayette park across the street from the White House, and throughout the march on Washington in which tens of thousands of people are expected to participate.

Last Remains of Peace Scattered

Today, Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes were scattered off the South African coast in a ceremony 62 years late. This was an all too appropriate metaphor for the state of peace in today’s world.  India is an emerging country full of promise and growth.  However, it is engaged in a nuclear cold war with long-time enemy Pakistan. Both countries may soon go the way of Gandhi. At any moment, every man woman and child may be reduced to nothing but radioactive  dust spread across the high seas.

Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed.  Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.

Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King.

Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.

Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.

Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.

Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.

“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”

If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.

Who's taking care of their business here?

Who's taking care of their business here?

So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.

And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.

“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.

Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

CNN and FOX affiliates announce new patriotic reality show

Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something

Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something

NEVER FORGET to watch “WAR” this Fall on FOX!

From the fearless leaders who brought you such wars as “Viet Nam” and “Korea – Dawn of the Hellicopter!” comes Afghanistan – a tactical operation which promises to be “a fun-filled action-packed romp through the desert the whole family can enjoy.”

Just like Wuss-ass General Patreus (more like Betrayus, amirite!?), who originally requested 40,000 more troops to go into Iraq, General Stanley wants forty thousand for Afghanistan. But Obama’s a God Damn World Hero who hates losing so he threw the controller down and said, “Fuck Iraq. America didn’t lose. I fuckin’ quit, motherfuckers. Where da hood at nao!” At first, this motherfucking foot-cock wanted to go so hard into Afghanistan on “counter-terrorism episodes” that will leave no man, woman or child without a urinary-tract infection.

“But then,” he reportedly thought, “It would be bad for ratings.” Even reality show producers who don’t know how to write a story knows there needs to be a visible conflict. Bark Obama refuses to help by sending extra forces because, like every good Starcraft player knows, it wouldn’t be very fun to crush the enemy with a sizable force, neither for the generals nor viewers like you at home. You gotta give ‘em a show. “And that’s what we’re doing,” the President said, as he fingered Hillary’s Clittin behind the scenes.

I fucking love this show, bitches! Sometimes I sometimes get so turned on by realistic violence that I’ll insubordinate my abusive husband just to get a taste. LOL YOU COULD SAY I’M BLOOD-THIRSTY FOR WAR!

-A desperate housewife

This season of War! Terror on the Homefront promises “more tactical missile strikes, more calls for the ‘MEDIC!’ and less of that ‘blah blah blah why-are-we-here?’ interjection” that dogged the series premiere in 2003.

*silent jerking-off hand motion*

America, brace yourselves for The War on Terror, Part II: Overseas Contingency Operation. Catch it Sunday.

Did you miss Sunday’s episode? Like herpes IT’S COMING BACK! but FASTER! Watch it again Thursday nights at nine, following Everybody Loves Raymond Even Though He’s a Draft-Dodging Faggot.

Armageddon on our heels (and that’s just fine)

They are not worried about Korea, but Iran and Israel, particularly Ahmedinejad and the terrorists he pays to hate America.

N. Korea’s response is flaccid, but bring out fears in the media around saber-rattling and auto-fellatio of the Muslim extremist belief system, and the dedication from which their ravenous hunger for anti-Capitalism has emerged.

Ahmedinejad reportedly gave Kim Jong-il a handjob under the table during a recent meeting to conspire against Freedom. Kim Jon-il slipped Iran’s elected dictator a custom-inscribed fortune cookie that allegedly read, “He who is stubborn face no consequence.” [of course it was in Chinese so nobody took it seriously]

Copyrighted image reused indiscriminately by The Elf Wax Times

Copyrighted image reused against artist's request by The Elf Wax Times

Scholars and politicians hotly debate Obama Hussein Bark’s involvement in a terrorist plot to overthrow Freedom, while others brace for chaos under the threat of an apocalyptic nuclear holocaust. But believers on both sides of the aisle are unified by their agreement that the next country to be nuked “ought to be Asian.”

“The goal is to inject freedom directly into the symptomatic state of the oppressive Middle East,” said Emporer Hussein, President of the United States of Freedom. President Obama has since announced his plan to rename the entire North American continental body to the “United States of Freedom,” in a bid to win support for his “overthrow freedom” campaign, fueled by nuclear bombings and Change posters produced and created by Shepard Fairy.

Roanoke citizens are awash with grief over the loss of the area’s number one Prime Time re-run, Desperate Housewives. In the latest episode, some spoiled bitch wife goes out on the town using her husband’s money and fucks an accountant from his real estate firm in the backseat of a designer BMW, stealthily alluding to the relationship between Kenya, Obama’s home town, and Afghanistan, where the President has broken the country’s hymen with his long, erudite dick of “Freedom”. By concealing these actions in the new Middle East, he has pulled off a secret coup from within the Taliban, and is now seeking to gain control of the poorly-guarded Nukes inside the Pakistani government. Sources said he is doing it “for the lulz.”

“He thinks he and the Pakistanis are ‘having a quickie,’” said Herb Schnoodler, director of the CIA Board of Hilarious Transitions,  “but what he’s too drunk [with power] to realize right now is that he’s joining the AIDS club, and that shit don’t wash off.”

AIDS doesn’t just start out as AIDS, though. Every educated American boy and girl knows that.

“First, you’ve got to get HIV,” explained second-grader Elroy Stephens.

And America got HIV when it landed its first slick-booted 18-year-old jarhead into the center of that god-forsaken oil pit and said, “turn ‘em loose. I wanna see what they can do.” And they fucked their first dirty foreign affair,  and the white blood cells fucked up when they got in there, then we saw that our boys were still human after all – on CNN. And then everyone agreed: war is funny.

“Because we don’t serve the Empire, and the Empire don’t feed us. We are here to stand up and fight, whether it’s within ourselves, against our neighbors, or the occasional sniping of an allied enemy combatant, for it is our duty to control what’s ours to control: ‘the blood-hungry instinct to divide and scrutinize, understand and dehumanize – the intentions of those we do not understand, and own them all, in the most basic way,’”

- General Lee Min Seok, speaking on behalf of the Boys and Girls Club of America

Lee Min Seok is the most 1337 StarCraft player in the world, who also happens to be blind. Lee Seok won seven Blizzard tournaments and fucked countless child prostitutes in Tijuana with his winnings in a campaign he called the “Zerg Invasion.”

And that’s how we were born. Welcome to Two Thousand and Nine. 2010′s gonna be a trip. The American suburban bubble is a nuclear fantasy waiting to explode. The dirty-bombs that spread diseases and bacteria are just across the street, in an empty apartment where men stay awake until four o’clock in the morning working on a germ grenade that could eat its way through a city apartment building in under a day, unless you buy Homedic’s newest line of central nervous system Anti-Gas Kit with Iodine and Immunity Support. ‘Defend your kids against terrorist sleeper cells, the clinically-proven way!’

“And we can’t just laugh about it. ‘Cause we’re all gonna die,” repeated news anchor Anderson Cooper on his late night show, Anderson 430. In fact, through two segments, he repeated the phrase, “We’re all gonna die,” much to the chagrin of his sponsor, a popular arthritis medication whose side effects include cardiac arrest, over a live announcement from the President on Health Care stimulus what-have-you, and on into the next commercial break. According to televisionist Harry Manjeena, author of the book TV and Why You Need It To Survive, ratings “shot through the roof.”

Queen of England fingers buttholeAdditionally, the Queen went on live television to finger her butthole, as if to prove that nuclear holocaust is real with a demonstration of the newly-defined irrelevance of any continued human record. “God bless, and fare well,” read the CNN subtitle as the North Korean national anthem played over the soft singing of whales. The fingering was crude and realistic, detailing the twisting and pinching of the Queen’s anal-hairs as she probed the insides of her yawning rectum. Brown and sickly nutrient-deprived feces smeared across her cottage-cheese butt cheeks that flapped in the wind coming in off the English Channel during her Final Parade.

“It was a spectacle,” said Tony Brown, England’s Prime Minister. “Truly a wonder of modern entertainment.”

England is said to be participating in this year’s First Annual Second Anniversary of the Domination of all non-human Mammals Ceremony, taking place at the bottom of the Sea, at Sealab. Sweet Jesus. The News has come apart into a vivid kaleidoscope of smiling and gestures of indifference over a dead or missing girl and your collapsing economy. But all’s well.

“As I stare at the television, stoned and happy, I realize there is nothing to be happy about,” said Roanoker Jann Winnerston during an Oxi-Clean commercial.

“Billy Mays Here!”Billy Mays