Top 10 Norm Macdonald Stories Ever Told

Norm MacdonaldNorm Macdonald appeared recently on Conan O’Brien to tell the Moth joke. Not surprisingly, it made the reddit frontpage.

Norm is probably the funniest guy not on television. He was kicked off Saturday Night Live for not being funny enough (explained in a video below). Then, the show started to suck so they asked him to host it less than two years later.

He’s had a few shows get cancelled because he just doesn’t belong on TV, where everyone wants to make him do their thing. Truth is, Norm is as much a comedian as he is a storyteller. Here are some of his stories, starting with the moth joke which aired on Conan the other night.

The moth story

Norm’s Bob Uecker story

Norm makes light of Steve Irwin’s death

Norm tells a story about his dad catching him smoking weed

Norm riffs on racist remark by “Dog the Bounty Hunter” (audio)

Norm talks to Miller and Spade about George Michael getting caught having gay sex in a public bathroom

Norm tells his hypnotism story

Norm gets fired from SNL (audio)

And kicked out of NBC studios. He used to do Weekend Update, but they wanted it to suck so they fired him. Here’s Norm hosting the show less than two years later

Norm’s story about playing Scrabble with Harold Delaney from Vancouver

Norm tells the story behind legendary Bob Saget roast (audio)

Norm sums up what it’s like to write any kind of satire. This story reveals how Norm pioneered cyberbullying, the torch we carry today

Wasp Cuts Bee In Half Around Two Very High Men

Two guys high on marijuana recorded this mind-blowing video today of a wasp cutting a bee in half.

YouTube user sublimegismo would later describe the attack as quote, “fucking brutal, dude.”

This may never happen again.

THE RADIATION NANOBOTS PERMEATE THE SKULL (what are these brown patches?)

follow-your-dreams

I HAVE NIGHTMARES WHERE A DARKNESS LEAKS OUT OF MY PHONE, INTO MY BRAIN, AND OBFUSCATES EVERY LAYER OF REALITY BEFORE IT.

THE LAYER WHERE I AM ASLEEP.

THE LAYER WHERE I AM A CLONE ON A CLONE FARM.

THE LAYER WHERE I AM THE MIND OF GOD.

THE CONTAINER LAYER OF GOD.

WINDOWS 95

I would completely annihilate my enemies in a retaliatory strike.

PRISM’s Breaking

New Prominence - ChronicleWASHINGTON – Last week the National Security Agency’s newly uncovered PRISM surveillance program, intended to manager foreign intelligence from electronic service providers, elicited anger that millions of Americans’ communications had been swept up in a comprehensive dragnet. News of the PRISM program came at the end of a breakneck week of national security reporting at The Guardian, where columnist Glenn Greenwald took a step from his legacy of punditry and opinion-oriented content to reporting.

The Guardian and The Washington Post, who both revealed the existence of the PRISM program Thursday, declined to release all 41 slides of the top-secret PowerPoint presentation they had obtained.

Barton Gellman, co-author of the Washington Post story, told The Internet Chronicle Friday, “We put up the [slides] we thought we should. Much of the document seemed to us to be classified for good reason.”

“We’re not engaged in a mindless, indiscriminate document dump, and our source didn’t want us to be,” Greenwald told Buzzfeed Saturday. “We’re engaged in the standard journalistic assessment of whether the public value to publication outweighs any harms.”

In a statement released in response to massive public outcry, Thursday Google CEO Larry Page was adamant that the company has not granted the NSA any “back door” to his company’s servers, adding that Google had not heard of any program called PRISM until Thursday. However an additional slide in a top-secret PowerPoint presentation, fed to The Guardian and annotated by reporter James Ball, suggested that the PRISM program enabled data “collection directly from the servers of … Google,” among other computing giants, such as Microsoft and Yahoo!. In accordance with Gellman and Greenwald’s claims to the press, some of this additional slide is blacked out.

NSA PRISM PowerPoint presentation slide suggesting "direct collection" from U.S. service providers.

NSA PRISM PowerPoint presentation slide suggesting “direct collection” from U.S. service providers’ servers. (Cropped slide via The Guardian)

People briefed on the negotiations between the media giants – speaking anonymously, as law prohibits them from acknowledging the very “existence” of Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act requests – seemingly expanded on Page’s claims on Friday. It was then that The New York Times Claire Cain Miller relayed her sources’ claims that, in the cases of Facebook and Google, some consensus had been reached between corporate and public partners on the construction of digital drop boxes, intermediary locations where the corporations would not offer carte blanche to the NSA but – after having in-house attorneys review government requests – they could leave requested information.

“[T]he government would request data,” wrote Miller, “companies would deposit it and the government would retrieve it.”

Earlier last week government officials and politicians finally came clean about vast collection by the NSA of millions of Americans’ telephonic metadata. The telephone metadata – or logs of involved telephone numbers and call lengths – was turned over by Verizon, the telephone provider for a plurality of citizens. That revelation, and subsequent admissions, flies in the face of several statement by public officials.

Among those statements is one by NSA Director and Army Lt. Gen. Keith Alexander at the Washington-based American Enterprise Institute in July of 2012. Replying to a question from Fox News Channel’s Catherine Herridge, Alexander said, “We don’t hold data on U.S. citizens.” [Link, offsite, to Chronicle-clipped C-SPAN program.]

During a March 12 Senate Intelligence Committee hearing, Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) asked National Intelligence Director James Clapper about the scale of any NSA dragnet. Fast-forward to 6:42 in the video, following, for this exchange.

Ron Wyden: Does the NSA collect any type of data at all on millions or hundreds of millions of Americans?

James Clapper: Clapper: No, sir.

Wyden: It does not?

Clapper:  Not wittingly. There are cases where they could inadvertently perhaps collect but not wittingly.

On May 4, 2012, Sens. Wyden and Mark Udall (D-Colo.) sent a letter asking the NSA inspector general, I. Charles McCullough, “how many people inside the United States have had their communications collected or reviewed.” McCullough replied in his own letter that “an [inspector general] review of [that] sort suggested would violate the privacy of U.S. persons.”

In 2007, then Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) expressed outrage that the Bush administration had engaged in spying “on citizens who are not suspected of a crime.” Critics of the Obama administration have claimed that this amounts to hypocrisy on the part of the president.

During a March 2012 hearing of the Emerging Threats and Capabilities Subcommittee of the Armed Services Committee, Representative Hank Johnson (R-Ga.) asked Alexander if the NSA routinely intercepts American citizens’ emails, to which Director Alexander replied, “No.” Video follows.

The Washington Post however reported Friday that, from PRISM’s Web terminal at NSA Headquarters at Fort Meade, Md., NSA analysts key in “selectors” intended to determine with at least half accuracy a given target’s “foreignness.” The Post obtained analyst training materials that specifically address how analysts are to report any given “accidental” collection, but those materials add that that collection on citizens is “nothing to worry about.”

On Saturday Atlantic staff writer Conor Friedersdorf raised troubling questions about the implications of the NSA’s newly revealed and utterly vast collection of telephone metadata and “incidental” private, domestic media content. Even assuming the best of intentions and utmost integrity out of domestic law enforcement, should a foreign government make its way into NSA databases, he wrote, that “could enable blackmail on a massive scale, widespread manipulation of U.S. politics, industrial espionage against American businesses;, [sic] and other mischief I can’t even imagine.” Added Friedersdorf: “What if [China, Russia, Pakistan, Iran, Saudia Arabia or a successor to al-Qaeda] breached the database’s security without our even knowing?”

Claims of Lives Saved by the Surveillance Panopticon

A “U.S. intelligence official,” speaking on condition of anonymity to CBS News, said that the PRISM program “thwarted” a 2009 attempt to bomb the New York City subway system, an attack that could have killed hundreds of people.

CBS News claims: "Suicide Bomb Plot Was Halted After Suspect Realized He Was Being Tracked"

CBS News claims: “Suicide Bomb Plot Was Halted After Suspect Realized He Was Being Tracked”

“U.S. government sources” made similar statements to Reuters’ Mark Hosenball Friday. Hosenball’s source addressed statements Tuesday afternoon by House Intelligence Committee Chairman Mike Rogers (R-Mich.), although the Guardian and Washington Post stories that broke the existence of PRISM were not released until that evening.

"The surveillance program that halted the Zazi plot was one that collected email data on foreign intelligence suspects," a government source told Reuters.

“The surveillance program that halted the Zazi plot was one that collected email data on foreign intelligence suspects,” a government source told Reuters.

The New York Times similarly reported on Friday that PRISM “yielded concrete information.” The Times‘ Eric Schmitt, David Sanger and Charlie Savage, relying on an anonymous “senior intelligence official” source, wrote Friday that a September 2009 email from an address “being monitored by the vast computers controlled by American intelligence analysts” allowed the analysts to locate the would-be bomber in Aurora, Colo.

The anonymous intelligence official added that Zazi was located “through an e-mail correspondence that we had access to only through” PRISM.

Intelligent Life Discovered in Earth’s Mantle

CTHONOS, Pelopponesia — On the border of the Earth’s mantle and crust, NASA astrobiologists have discovered a civilization of beings that challenge both our conception of ‘life’ and of ‘intelligence.’ These beings, which defy all taxonomy, are fist-sized nodes of rapidly regenerating proteins that have only been observed in their natural environment, deep in the Earth’s crust. Each fist-sized “nodian,” as these creatures have been dubbed, appears to be as complex as the human brain at any given moment but changes its morphology so rapidly that scientists believe “nodians” are most likely far more complex.

The conditions where “nodians” survive are believed to be very common, and Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, leader of the Florida State University expedition, explained, “There is no doubt that the “nodians” are displaying signs of culture and specialization. By a very conservative estimate, their should be at least 50 billion “nodian” individuals, and we would be foolish to forget the numerous sightings of UFOs entering and exiting volcanoes, as well as USOs, which may enter and exit the crust through fissures in the sea floor.”

Actual Video Evidence of “Nodians” Entering and Exiting the Earth’s Crust:

Yet Again UFO Filmed, While Entering… by ufoblogger

ELFWAX affiliate unearthed after years of abuse

The following video was extracted from an archive of federal repossessions and returned the chronicle.su office late last year.

“Years of systematically abusing oneself while praying to Charles Manson leads a person to create music and imagery like this. And in one dark night, it can all disappear. With one murder, all your work can be lost forever, whether you meant to kill the guy or not.” – Ronald Reagan

The pretext for this video more or less implies that the video was released in order to meet serious market demand for distorted pornographic imagery interlaced with swastikas and pictures of world leaders being shredded apart while a man sings into a dildo-enhanced microphone. There is no turning back now. Your mind is on the drugs.

Melt the drug.

George Carlin shamefully works low-end corporate conference circuit

Dead comedy legend George Carlin has been commissioned to sell data-center solutions at several low-end corporate conferences in the area. Are the rumors true, or is this the work of a dangerous impostor?

He’s like an off-brand Ninja Turtle you just want to punch in the face.
-rsplatpc

Impressionist Joe Beddia stripped all the “bad words” from Carlin’s famous act, “Stuff,” making it ironically more profane – while otherwise plagiarizing it verbatim with the obvious exception of replacing the word “stuff” with “data” in order to sell NetBackup, Backup Exec and Enterprise Vault to the fat white assholes running corporate America. The whole act demands of its audience more than six excruciating minutes of assumed disbelief: “Gosh, doesn’t he just seem like George Carlin!”

Chronicle.su theoretical physicist Dr. Angstrom Troubadauer said, “Joe ‘Beddia’ watch the fuck out, because he is treading sacred ground for cheap laughs. Personally, I would like to rape Mr. Beddia, cut off his head, and shit down his neck.” Whoa. Easy there, guy.

Joe Beddia - the godfather of cringe

Beddia has been called “The Godfather of cringe.”

Dr. Troubadauer has called Beddia’s Carlin act “unoriginal and uninspired,” and said the performance “comes off as an offensive mockery” of one of America’s most legendary comedians.

“Not only that,” Troubadauer said, “it is like driving your own personal nail into the man’s coffin if you just take the time to consider the fact that his uncanny likeness is being used to sell fucking data-center solutions to the very same corporations he satirized for belonging to an industry built around fucking the consumer. This man is clearly a danger to himself – as deranged as he is sad.”

What is perhaps most off-putting about the video, Troubadauer said, is Beddia’s impersonation of Carlin’s mannerisms and gestures is so impeccable that he has created an unfortunate uncanny valley – a shroud of realism that makes Beddia’s performance all the more disturbing where it lacks all the coherence, rhythm – and most importantly – humor of an authentic George Carlin performance.

Seriously, what an unfunny piece of shit.

chronicle.su is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. & Bulletball

The Two Minutes Hate: Wal-Mart Edition

after staring into the sad eyes of enough google image results for wal mart manager, I am mortified

Jim Ficks

Hi, I’m Jim Ficks and this is Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we cheer every morning, working ourselves up into a ravenous furor in the name of the great one and only, the provider, the destroyer – Wal-Mart of America. I’m Jim Ficks, and I have a job now. You Don’t. I’m Jim Ficks. My job is to rally employees working for $8 an hour, to rally together and “cheer” on our company name as audaciously as though they were speaking the unspeakable name of Yahweh himself.

Oh, HA HA. Don’t kid yourself! The Wal-Mart cheer not your typical high school cheer. At Wal-Mart, our morning cheers are actually the wailing song of abandoned hope, tinged with self-hatred the likes of which you never knew existed. That is, until our corporate overseer stated, in a company newsletter, that every morning from now until the end of human civilization will begin with a light-hearted climaxing chant, grow to a dull pulsing roar, and finally explode into a fireball of frenzied rage. Sweet, profit-maximizing rage. Don’t just watch – but focus – as the bald one they call “Joey” bristles with tension before snapping free from his hate-filled fervor, ready to seize the day like the throat of his enemy. Ready for blood, ready to stock shelves.

YOU LIKE THAT, YEAH YOU LIKE THAT DON’T YOU WAL-MART

no-img-thumb

WE HATE NIGGERS FOR YOU, WAL-MART. WE HATE OURSELVES. WE JUST WANNA COME IN THERE AND BUY YOU $2.15 CORN DOGS WAL-MART. WE NEED YOUR NITRATES IN OUR TOXIC BODIES TO MAINTAIN EQUILIBRIUM, WAL-MART, LEST WE TIP THE BALANCE OF HATE IN THE DEVIL’S HONOR. DACTARAI!!!!! FOR YOUR LOVE, MINE PRINCE OF PURITY. FOR YOUR PROFIT! Erodium Purus Nosferatu! MY PALE, FLUSHED FACE WAL-MART IT BURNS WITH SODIUM IODIDE, WAL-MART. WWWWWAAAAAAAAALLLL-MAAAARRRRRRRT!

NullCrew Ups the Ante With Valentine’s Day Release Threat

NullCrew's Twitter Profile Photo

NullCrew’s Twitter Profile Photo

Two weeks.

Two weeks until you’re either drinking wine, snuggling (or worse) with your loved one; or cowering in fear as the NullCrew‘s latest SQL injection information is dropped for all the world to see . . .  or at least a couple of hundred people.

As the “Doomsday File” craze hits the Web with fury, following in the footsteps of the great Anonymous leader Aaron Bale, NullCrew raises the bar once again with levied threats against the Pentagon, they say in a recent interview at E Hacking News. They elaborate:

Our next big release will be on Febuary 14th, yes, yes; VALENTINES DAY! It’ll be the official release of #FuckTheSystem valentines day, and one target I will tell you is the pentagon.

But our next single release will be a multipul target release, on United States government servers; retaliating against #OperationFastAndFurious. How many more need to die, from weapons the government is putting into criminal’s hands?”

With elite hacker friends like these, who needs Anonymous? These folks will hack the Pentagon and get away with it, scot- free . . . or so they think. Field reporter, ethical researcher and all-around swell guy doxbin has accrued enough information to note that the majority of the members is located within the friendly confines of Canada, a well known bastion for hackers/freedom fighters everywhere.

Or is it really?

In a previous exposé, Internet Chronicle resident Anonymous expert Kilgoar reported  PLF (Peoples Liberation Front) leader and Anonymous figurehead Commander X is in fact a Homeland Security Department plant who resides in Canada after “escaping” the clutches of the “Fids.” So why Canada? We spoke with Aaron Bale about this and he believes it to be a psy-op, perpetuated by Cyber Command in conjunction with the CIA, which cannot operate on domestic soil. Essentially, NullCrew is trying to kill Mr. Bale.

It’s the only plausible answer.

Technology reporter and reigning King of the Ring™ Champion, Danny, had a chance to catch up with ShaggyTheAngel, Anonymous co-leader, voxanon ircop and owner of freeanons.info to ask him about the NullCrew’s latest threats and how Anonymous might be able to one-up them:

(5:19:17 PM) [email protected]: you want the keys?
(5:19:22 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: not rly
(5:19:42 PM) [email protected]: because those are real warheads man
(5:19:45 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:00 PM) [email protected]: you know where theay are aimed?
(5:20:04 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:05 PM) [email protected]: Which one is going where?
(5:20:07 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: idc
(5:20:15 PM) [email protected]: NYC
(5:20:17 PM) [email protected]: DC
(5:20:18 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: cool story
(5:20:23 PM) [email protected]: and nevada
(5:20:26 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: rofl
(5:20:29 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: nevada
(5:20:34 PM) [email protected]: navada
(5:20:47 PM) [email protected]: I can code java but spelling is off
(5:20:52 PM) [email protected]: go figure huh?
(5:21:12 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: im reporting you for
terroristic threats
(5:21:25 PM) [email protected]: oh so now you are scared
(5:21:30 PM) Danny the King of Tommy Hillnigger: not rly idc”

It’s clear to this intrepid reporter that there is a civil war amongst rival hacker gangs a’brewin’, and we may all pay the price. Soon.

All that really needs to be said about this group of the worlds greatest hackers/Psy-op commandos, NullCrew, can be summed up by a quote from them at the beginning of the E Hacking News interview:

These servers are a part of the system, a system which is ran by
corrupt rich assholes. They mostly use their money for themself,

No donations to the people who need the money, and if they do; it’s just
so people look at them in a kinder way, only for publicity.

NullCrew added:

wisc.edu Became a target when they commited [sic] Animal Cruelty.

You may be asking yourself: What does the Caturday at University of Wisconsin have to do with taking down “rich assholes?” The answer lies in an obscure yet poignant quote from current Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick, as years ago he was being dragged out of the Mississippi Bulldogs locker-room (later being charged with disorderly conduct): “I’d do it all again if it wasn’t for that meddling NullCrew!”

Video Demonstration Of How It Felt To Vote Against Mitt Romney

“Because I had to”