Ancient Aliens Host Giorgio Tsoukalos Ascends into UFO

An Alien Space Craft in Hollywood picked up Giorgio Tsoukalos Monday.

An Alien Space Craft in Hollywood picked up Giorgio Tsoukalos Monday.

HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”

Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”

Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”

D-Loc dead at 36

Marijuana overdose claims another victim as high potency “dabs” push toxicity levels to a new high.

INERNET — Dustin Miller, famed MC known as D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings rap group, died Monday evening after taking a fatal dose of highly potent marijauna extract known colloquially as “dab.” Fellow Kottonmouth Kings member . . .

The Flower Sermon on Mount Sinai

Startling New Theory Links Jewish Prophet Moses with The Buddha Siddhartha Gautama

After traveling to Mount Sinai, I saw a vision of Jesus, The Buddha, Moses, Lao Tzu, and Socrates. Moses presented me with half of a stone tablet. This stone was torn in half by Lao Tzu as Socrates discarded one . . .

The Blackhat Holocaust

INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.

After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning . . .

Al-Qaeda’s “Human Bomb” undermines airline safety

Bloodborne explosives may lead airlines to test passengers’ blood for “human bombs”

INTERNET — Documents confiscated from Bin Laden’s compound in Afghanistan show plans to deploy “human bomb” technology in which certain explosive chemicals dissolved into the bloodstream of a bomber can be detonated with a small rise in alcohol blood content. . . .

The Government Teardown

This is not the Government Shutdown you’re looking for.

INTERNET — If there’s one thing you shouldn’t trust, it’s a pervasive and simple narrative. Certain recent events have been framed as a so-called government shutdown. But is this really what’s happening? Is congress, the judicial branch, or the executive lounging off and . . .

Corporation Communism is Sweeping America

Freedom ain't free. It's regulated and redistributed by the government first.

WAL * MART — Communist elements The great Senator Joe McCarthy once purged from American Society have resurfaced at the helm of the world’s largest Capitalist institution, Wal Mart. Wal Mart now offers its employees healthcare plans, locking these people into an anti-Libertarian nightmare fueled by Ayn Rand’s Objectivism turned inside out. How could they . . .

Prior to Leak, Snowden Played Whistleblowing Videogame

Whistleblow Auto V

Whistleblow Auto V gives players realtime access to actual top-tier government agencies using Antisocial Club. . . .

Britney Spears Dead at 31

Britney Spears dies before Work Bitch Goes Quadruple Platinum

Britney Spears dies before Work Bitch Goes Quadruple Platinum

McComb, MISSIPPI — After Britney Spears seemingly failed in her latest Europop-style comeback single Work Bitch, the singer died from complications resulting from Dibetus. Spears reportedly went on a dangerous eating binge which triggered the diabetic attack. Work Bitch has since skyrocketed on the charts, . . .

Soda Shaq Drink Review Draws Praise From Dishonored Glenn Beck Camp and FOX News

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Joey’s World Tour Super Cool Feud Reviews is not for everyone. Boxes may contain trinkets and effeminate voices. Keep out of reach of children. Do not look directly at the food review. . . .