VIDEO FOOTAGE EXPOSES PENTAGON MURDER COVER-UP

This isn’t our job. Why aren’t you doing it? Cover this shit on your own so we can get back to satire, please. . . .

Richmond Mayor forces two children to fight

Mayor Dwight C. Jones allegedly took part in an illegal child-fighting ring that Elf Wax speculates has connections to football God Michael Vick. . . .

Panama Monster is missing link

Discovery of the horrible Monster of Panama sheds new light on Bigfoot, Nessie origins. . . .

Your daughter’s a whore, and not even the good kind

A brutal assessment of today’s American Dad, using excessive vulgarity and disturbing, offensive honesty. . . .

Area man loses mind

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet. . . .

Social networking sites lead to ‘pregnancy and marriage by age 23′

Mediocrity

MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships. . . .