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Miley Cyrus advertises using sexting

Like your uncircumcised, shriveled up little excuse for a winky, The Chronicle.SU has risen to the call of the next, and possibly last, Miley Cyrus article. . . .

New Century American Motto

miss atom 2009

Witness the flower unfold, wither and die, and become the dirt again. And then watch the dirt fry. . . .

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

Don’t be afraid to speak out. If you say something wrong, it will just be erased by Roanoke Revolution: “Recognizing The Right People!” . . .

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012. . . .

System Administrator Disappears Under Duress, Drug Psychosis

Twisted combinations of acid and 24-hour news have turned one local man’s life into a waking nightmare. . . .

Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

Elf Wax Times offers anecdotal evidence for the majority of its readership. Also, how to fuck a magazine. . . .

When Families Grieve – A Very Special PBS Special

Lockheed-Martin pays Elmo and some other puppets go on PBS tonight to tell kids how to cope with death as a result of suicide, illness and war. . . .

ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Washington, D.C.–Tens of thousands of protesters are expected to gather in front of the White House to protest the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Elf Wax reports live from noon to six. . . .

Anti-hate protest results in ‘no additional love’

The Elf Wax Times goes deep into fake hippie territory to bring you a startling exposé of despicable fear-sheep who respond better to Facebook groups than true injustices. . . .

Haiti before the earthquake

The Elf Wax Times takes you on an inside look at poverty-stricken Haiti before the earthquake that rescued many from starvation. . . .