Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

The Elf Wax Times doesn’t hate lesbians, but statistics show that as the number of lesbians increase, the number of girls willing to fuck Elf Wax staff writers declines, threatening America’s freedom. . . .

Failing failures and the failure that fails them

The money you spend on tacos and Wal-Mart trash pays for genocide overseas. Your brain is committing suicide. You are generally worthless and we don’t like you reading Elf Wax. . . .

Area man loses mind

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet. . . .

Bigfoot: The Question Remains

Foreword:As Chief Cryptozoology expert at Elf Wax, I’ve been on the hunt for proof of Bigfoot for years. Lately, some hoaxes have become so complex and convincing, that the truth is actually less detailed and accurate than the hoax itself. Can a hoax be so perfectly orchestrated that the truth of the matter fades into . . .

Don’t live a sham. Know the truth, with EvoCam

Since the dawn of time, paranoid delusional people have been denied the opportunity to dodge reality and dive into the upward-spiraling colossus of a self-feeding reward system of worry. But now we can, with EvoCam.

Combining the award-winning prestige of the highly adaptive miniature video camera with the competence of your common desktop or laptop . . .

Study: Olympic Torch Relay Completely Unrelated to Tibet-China Conflict

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PALO ALTO, CA–Amidst recent protests disrupting the Olympic Torch Relay throughout several countries, a recent study conducted by the Logical Institute of Thought, or LIT, in Palo Alto has concluded that in no point in the modern Olympic Games’ 112-year history has the worldly tradition of relaying the ignited Olympic torch ever interfered or influenced . . .

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown,USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions.Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember.But how does one learn without asking questions?What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool.Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you.That . . .

LSD FOUND IN ROANOKE WATER SUPPLY, ALL WATER SHUT OFF

ROANOKE, VA–As a result of the recent findings of pharmaceutical drugs in tap water across the U.S., a local study in Roanoke, Virginia has found traces of lysergic acid diethylamide(LSD) in the community’s water supply. Experts say the water supply could’ve been “spiked” many years ago. . . .