Murderous Syrian Leader Just Wants Citizens To See Things His Way

Bashar al-Assad wishes people could afford shoes in order to know what it's like to walk a mile in his.

The Syrian people relentlessly attack their emotionally helpless President Bashar al-Assad. Will they ever come around? Read more to find out! . . .

The Only True Conspiracy Theory

America now sees what the businessmen who financed the Tea Party intended: Dressed in powdered wigs and wearing red makeup that is actually gore, the Tea Party is shoveling babies into the ocean with pitchforks. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is gagging Lady Liberty with her gigantic strap-on while trying to save face by praising Al-Jazeera and . . .

Record Storm From South Will Bring Budweiser, Hit Wife In Front Of Family

The most hateful storm of the century

The most hateful storm of the century will hit Wednesday. Warning: MAY STRIKE DURING CHURCH HOURS. . . .

Man Patiently Waits For JNCOs To Be Cool Again

Juggalo

One man’s tale of love of JNCOs, and JNCO culture. Juggalo is deep, almost as deep as deez pocketz. /////////WORD . . .

The Chronicle Manifesto

terrorist

As might be spat by Das Racist . . .

New Century American Motto

miss atom 2009

Witness the flower unfold, wither and die, and become the dirt again. And then watch the dirt fry. . . .

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

Don’t be afraid to speak out. If you say something wrong, it will just be erased by Roanoke Revolution: “Recognizing The Right People!” . . .

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012. . . .

Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

Elf Wax Times offers anecdotal evidence for the majority of its readership. Also, how to fuck a magazine. . . .

Why I can’t do Facebook

facebooker

Elf Wax columnist and internet rapist Al Stephenson delivers a biting review of the social networking fucksite, Facebook. . . .