Categories
Local

Man claims four lives amid chilling case of the Mondays

Houston–SlaveTech Enterprises office monkey Harold Strafford the Third opened fire on his colleagues Wednesday after contracting a rare, unseasonable case of the Mondays.

Police respond to brutal office slayings
Police responded with deadly force. “This is like no case of the Mondays I’ve ever seen,” said Officer Mike Fish. “Today is Wednesday.”

Mario Kline, 32, described the gripping moment Strafford decided to murder his colleagues. Strafford stepped Kline’s wounded body just before succumbing to a hail of gunfire by responding officers.

“He strafed down aisle after aisle of cubicles, pumping a frenzy of lead into anything that moved – and all the computers. Especially the computers. It was horrible. I had all my porn on there, and some people are dead.”

Shotgun blast after shotgun blast, Strafford killed four people and injured seventeen others. Among his victims were two office clerks, a member of upper-middle management, and the secretary who greeted him at the door. Each victim was shot in the mouth.

Strafford’s attorney, Leo Steinbrenner, told reporters his client was “under a lot of stress” Wednesday, and had no patience for people constantly asking him what was wrong. “He was just having a case of the Mondays,” Steinbrenner explained, adding, “Sure, my client acted out of line; sure, you can call it a murderous rampage. But in a bad job market, my client is a maverick. [emphasis added] You can’t say he isn’t thinking outside the box! Try to look at it this way: my client is a job creator.”

A note found on the gunman’s untouched desk exhibits total loss of control as Strafford ultimately succumbed to the will of his unsuppressed rage, and urge to create jobs:

USELESS ENVisioning a pick-axe in your fucking face of raw bone
pure fury hatred “Bella Mew. Monday. Wednesday morning murderhate.”
Little faggot daughter suck a dick find a man, try to escape this loveless land,
I dare you little whore–
Try to escape
My murderous hand.

“Old Brutus,” SlavTech custodian, said Strafford confronted him in the middle of his killing spree. “He looked me in the eye and said I’ve got a lot of work to do – ‘after all this’ – cleaning up blood, and guts, and stuff. He said he had no hard feelings toward me, mostly because out of all the weed he ever smoked in his life, he said just about all fifty pounds of it came from me and my people.”

Harold Strafford seen here suffering from case of the Mondays
Harold Strafford, just moments before snapping into a psychopathic killing spree.

No word yet on how the family’s victims will cope with today’s brutal tragedy, but sources are already reporting intake of marijuana, alcohol and barbiturates to ease the pain of losing a father, a brother, a son, a daughter, wife, a sister, a close friend – all beloved office drones – all sacrificed at the hands of a case of the Mondays.

Our prayers and the prayers of Lebal Drocer, Inc. go out to the SlavTech Corporation whose untold suffering won’t be felt until Monday, when Human Resources must undergo the arduous task of listing several job openings on the Internet date rape site craigslist.org.

Categories
Entertainment Hate Special Interest

Rick Astley battles accusations of child molestation

Rick Astley
The pop singer of internet stardom has been accused of molesting children.

Astley to give it up?

INTERNET – Rick Astley battles fresh accusations of child molestation, which surfaced Monday on YouTube.

Accusers arrived in full force, leaving graphic remarks surrounding the wretched details of his case.

News broke around 2 a.m. EST after events came to light. Stay tuned, and refresh: we will update this story as details come to light.

Categories
Science World

UFO books in public school libraries are a deliberate disinformation campaign planted by the U.S. Government

We make a lot of money talking about the truth on Lebal Drocer, Inc. Radio HATE at chronicle.su after-hours. Thursday we talked about aliens with accomplished author Kilgore Trout, an expert on aliens and the paranormal who is currently laboring over the Internet Anti-Hero Handbook (tentatively titled). He explained the possibility that extraterrestrials are either too small, nimble or by some other means imperceptible. Tyler Bass, renowned Washington journalist and Capitalist, indicated the Roswell crash was a false flag cover-up. Beefrave concurred that the United States Government may very well be encouraging the promulgation of UFO conspiracies.

Listen to internet radio with Radio HATE on Blog Talk Radio