An Alternative Earth – by Adolf Hitler

Hitler had a Plan B: to secretly colonize the Moon, built by troops launched from Antarctica. . . .

CAPS LOCK ULTRA

Lebal Drocer unleashes a new product on humanity. “This time it’s legal,” says spokesman Jeffrey Winebergeron. . . .

ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Washington, D.C.–Tens of thousands of protesters are expected to gather in front of the White House to protest the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Elf Wax reports live from noon to six. . . .

Anti-hate protest results in ‘no additional love’

The Elf Wax Times goes deep into fake hippie territory to bring you a startling exposé of despicable fear-sheep who respond better to Facebook groups than true injustices. . . .

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald’s “food product”

Micky D’s Darkest Day: McDonald’s claims thousands of lives every year using diabetes, malnutrition and obesity, but today was different. . . .

Google and the LHC converge to snuff humanity

Our existence is destined to funnel into a black hole of data, in which all 1s become 0s. Google enslaves mankind, only to erase it. Why, Google? . . .

Online Gamers Constitute 90 Percent of World’s Racists

Playstation Network is the new face of hate in this week’s edition of The Elf Wax Times. How will Sony handle the cries for help? . . .

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you by…

This is the closest thing you’re ever going to get to a commercial on The Elf Wax Times. Fuck advertising, fuck the media, and fuck your blind faith in the government. . . .

FUCK YOUR BLOG

The Elf Wax Times toils into the wee hours of the morning to bring you part one in an unlimited-part series: VOTE DOWN THE INTERNET, HAIL THE ELF WAX TIMES . . .

Richmond Mayor forces two children to fight

Mayor Dwight C. Jones allegedly took part in an illegal child-fighting ring that Elf Wax speculates has connections to football God Michael Vick. . . .