Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs

How NewsCorp leads the way in timeliness and journalistic integrity – A scathing tale of addiction to drugs, sex and exotic animals. . . .

NEW MANDATE: Guns for the Blind

A group of people once discriminated against by gun traders are now required by law to carry a sidearm. . . .

Big Brother is watching you

FBI “head” Robert Mueller is requesting MOAR information from ISPs to aid in his quest for precious SAUCE or possibly get into human trafficking. . . .

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self harm’

China has conducted a very unbiased survey of a small group of Communism-loving teenagers who find themselves victimized by the Internet. . . .

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald’s “food product”

Micky D’s Darkest Day: McDonald’s claims thousands of lives every year using diabetes, malnutrition and obesity, but today was different. . . .

Pirates awash with Windows 7 theft orgy

Pirates have released an automatically-validating, automatically-updating edition of Windows 7. Those giving bastards! . . .

Report: Dan K. Back in Town

YOURTOWN, US–After a recent independent investigation, it has come to our attention here at the Times that Dan K., a known pal to many locals, has indeed returned to the area.

. . .