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Cars 2 Review – Where Were The People?

CARS - MATER
GIT R DUN!

I watched Cars 2 tonight. It was better than the first one, which contained faggoty overtones of Podunk nostalgia.

Cars 2 was less celebratory of self-imposed limitations and even called out Mater & his voice actor Larry the Cable Guy’s act of ignorance by pointing out how the audience is too busy laughing at his act to realize he’s not really a good ol’ boy like them is. In Mater’s case, his character really was that dumb. But in “Larry’s” case, he’s not.

What I liked about Cars 2 was all the stereotypes. They had Asians, Mexicans, Italians – Russians named Ivan – all down pat. They even added a “black” car – an old hooptie that sounded like a doped-up Wanda Sykes or something. It was my pleasure to watch this movie in the white-bred Appalachian community of Waynesville, North Carolina (right outside of Clyde, near Canton, for those of you who need a point of reference) and they loved that sista-car. She was funny, for a you-know-what.

Cars 2 is NOT for children. That is, unless you like exposing your children to banality and mediocrity while rednecks clap for the theater screen. “That was too much!” As Mater boosts around London with rocket boosters.

Now that I think more about Mater, maybe Cars 2 was a celebration of good-natured ignorance after all. He was instructed not to change even if he is seen as an embarrassment to the entire world: all but the Car Citizens of defunct Radiator Springs located along an obsolete desert stretch of Route 66.

Mater won the hottest bitchin’-ass car featured in the entire movie – a British spy technician luxury sports car with medium-sized car tits and a sultry voice actress who is assertive and qualified, but not quite as domineering as the weakest male character in the film.

Despite all the gender and racial stereotyping, and in spite of the product placement and references to TV commercials, I could still relate to the storytelling found in Cars 2, until I realized one thing: I could not connect, emotionally, to the characters or the plot-line. That’s because there are no fucking people.

Who drives the cars? Why do they construct buildings? Are there car beds in Car Tokyo in the Car Apartments and what about the Car Churches? Is there a Car God? There was a Car Pope in Cars 2. But not one single human being. So why do the cars speak different languages in different accents? Did the cars evolve over many hundreds of thousands, or even millions of years, to develop their own languages and regional dialects? Was there a time in Cars history when the Cars had not yet invented their parts because they had not yet even mastered stone tools?

Finally. I’m going to ask this one more time. Where were all the fucking people?

 

And now for Dan Whitney, before he became “Larry the Cable Guy!”

 

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Entertainment News Society

Movie Chase Scene Escalates To Rooftop

LOS ANGELES, CA–In a shocking turn of events today, an action-packed chase scene has led both a protagonist and an antagonist to a downtown rooftop.
article-0-02E6A4D700000578-311_468x414The chase scene began earlier today as the adversary hijacked an exotic, foreign car and was pursued by the detective/cop protagonist’s unmarked Dodge Charger on a Los Angeles freeway around rush hour. Things began to escalate rapidly when the stolen, high-powered vehicle began traveling on the wrong side of the highway into oncoming traffic, causing several minor accidents. The vehicle hit speeds up to 95 mph before crashing into a slower, generic sedan, triggering an extraneous explosion. The antagonist was able to escape the vehicle seemingly unharmed, prompting the pursuit to advance on-foot towards downtown.

Once the chase scene reached a rooftop via an oddly convenient stairwell, both individuals were seen leaping from one building to another, a gap of at least five feet. A viewer watching the events unfold told the Times, “It’s like nothing [he’d] ever seen before,” adding that he had not seen many action films.

At press time, the rooftop pursuit was still underway, leaving limited outcomes, but likely will end with the suspect leaping from the building, landing on parked vehicle or crashing through an adjacent window.

Categories
Entertainment

COMING SOON – PEE MOVIE

pee-movieComing this summer
brought to you by
Creamworks Pictures
in association with
Lebal Drocer, Incorporated

From creator Harry Meinschlong comes “Pee Movie”, a comedy that will change everything you know about pee. Take a close look at the world through the eyes of one pee-drinker in particular – Jenny Jame Ison (Emma Watson). A recent high school dropout, Jenny wants more than the inevitable career that awaits her and every other aspiring actress in East L.A. – a job at the fake flower plant…making fake flowers. Jenny jumps at the chance to venture out of the trailer park, and soon encounters a world beyond her wildest dreams. When Jenny inadvertently meets a quirky pornographer named Roland (Morgan Freeman), she breaks one of the cardinal rules of Catholicism – she takes the back door as a method of contraception. A friendship with benefits soon develops, and Jenny gets a guided crash course in the ways of the movie industry. When she shockingly discovers that anyone can download a piss-fetish smut film for free off the internet, she realizes that her true calling is to stop media piracy and set the world right by being the best damn pee-drinker on the Lower East Side and creating a pornographic film so good, every American family learns in two hours’ time the rewards of paying for her precious golden honey showers, or pay the blue price of balls.