Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

The Elf Wax Times doesn’t hate lesbians, but statistics show that as the number of lesbians increase, the number of girls willing to fuck Elf Wax staff writers declines, threatening America’s freedom. . . .

The End Times They Are A-Comin’

The world bank has collapsed and the Taliban hold your children hostage for ransom you don’t have. Chem-trails! . . .