New Century American Motto

miss atom 2009

Witness the flower unfold, wither and die, and become the dirt again. And then watch the dirt fry. . . .

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012. . . .

VOTING DOES NOT MATTER

There are many people who will say I am the ignorant one, to encourage voter apathy. To that, I say: I encourage voting; only with guns. . . .

System Administrator Disappears Under Duress, Drug Psychosis

Twisted combinations of acid and 24-hour news have turned one local man’s life into a waking nightmare. . . .

Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

Elf Wax Times offers anecdotal evidence for the majority of its readership. Also, how to fuck a magazine. . . .

Elf Wax columnist killed during protest rally

Elf Wax political columnist, campaign trail correspondent, and celebrated Communist Kirill Milosevic died violently Friday in a clash with police during a peace riot. . . .

IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DEMONSTRATION RE: ALL DRUGS

A study conducted by the trustworthy United States Government reveals all drugs fuck you up equally, severely and permanently. . . .

Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued . . .

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity . . .

Dick Means Business

Silly Mahmoud should know we are the only country allowed to have nukes.